Monday, December 5, 2011

reading and learning

A dominant man wrote recently to ask for advice. He feels he is still learning and asked if I could recommend further sources of information. There are some books listed on the sidebar that have been recommended by readers.

If anyone has any further recommendations for books or websites please let me know in a comment here or an email and I will add them to the sidebar list.


- P

Friday, September 30, 2011

should I compromise for my husband?

I just received this email from signed loving who is in a Domestic Discipline relationship.

I have a question. My husband and I are fairly new to Domestic Discipline its going wonderfully for us and we couldn't be happier. There's just one thing my husband/master wants me to go to his family's house and his family and I have recently had a falling out. He said he wants to me to make up with them when I'm ready and doesn't want to push me on this BUT I feel like he is disappointed in me that I do not go around them. I do Not want this to hinder the bliss we have been having. Any advice? you can read more about my issues with them on my blog .. I have mentioned it some on there.
As I have no direct experience of Domestic Discipline my response was fairly general.
Hello signed loving

I'm afraid I'm not a experienced in Domestic Discipline but I think in all D/s situations we find what works right for us as a couple. A lot of it is about love and respect in both directions - and that will be the case in any relationship.

It is clearly upsetting to your husband that you have fallen out with his family and that you are not ready to go round to their house. It is clearly abig issue for you that you find making up so difficult. I think your husband is being very reasonable and understanding. He could just tell you to do it as he expects your obedience - however he has said he wants you to make up when you are ready and does not want to push you. It would be a shame if this got in the way of your blissful relationship. I think you could talk with him about how you feel and your fear that you are disappointing him and discuss ways in which you both might work together at resolving the situation with his family.

The longer you leave it though the more difficult it might be. It could be worth biting your tongue and going to them and apologising even if you know it was not your fault. You might be surprised by their response and get apologies in return. But you and he know the individuals best. Talk through how the situation can be resolved and try to deal with it quickly.

Good luck

Any thoughts? Perhaps if you too are in a DD relationship you may have another perspective.

Monday, September 19, 2011

"... is this the Domly way?"

J wrote to me with this query:
"I am new, rapidly "collared" by someone whom I thought cared and would mentor and guide me. Over time I just felt him as indifferent toward me and distrust grew. When I asked for guidance and to just plain "talk to me" I was always accused of topping. To prove my submission. I was instructed to approach a stranger, suck him off and take a picture of my cum filled mouth.....his words.....GAG When I said I could not..I was released and chastised and a wanna be and not a sub. That is something I would never do....and my reasons are valid. I understand the reason behind the task...but feel there are other ways to evaluate surrender. my question... Is this the Domly way?? Is it unDomly to treat with respect and not pass your sub around?? Is the sensual Dom any different?"
My reply was:
"Sadly many have found it so though it should not be. There is no "Domly way" but there are plenty who think they are Doms and pretend to be when in reality they are just misogynists who get off on power. If you frequent any of the BDSM contact sites you will find many of them - in fact it will be hard to avoid them! In reality though a good Dom cares for his sub and knows and understands her limits. He may push gently at the edges trying to extend those limits - or if he breaks them will know what he is soing and why and what the reaction of his sub will be - but doing it for his sub rather than for himself.

You will often see phrases from Doms such as "it isn't about what you want it is about what I want." Of course in the dynamic that is true. However I believe that in a good D/s relationship each are caring about the needs and desires of the other. Finding the right person will be hard. It is hard enough is it not in a vanilla relationship. Finding the right Dom can be even harder. But don't give up. I am sure he may be out there."
What do readers think? Is this the Domly way?

Monday, July 25, 2011


ponderouspet wrote to me about punishment.
Hi there!

Been pondering a bit. I have issues when it comes to punishment. There are several ways to punish, but most of the "common" ways, would lead to disaster. We do not use spanking as punishment, one reason is that he doesn't feel to do that, since I like spanking, and feel that there wouldn't then really be a punishment. He is also fearing that I could end up not liking spanking. I know from childhood that I tend to end up resentfull of physical punishment. Then you have absence, now that brings fear and axiety. That can also end in resentment. You off course have yelling, but that would not work at all, since I react very badly to yelling. So how do you really punish a person that has all this? How to punish me when I am put together like this? Because, in D/s doesn’t there need to be punishments for it to work? I mean, doesn’t failure or breaking rules have to have consequences, and aren’t the usual idea that broken rule follows up by punishment? How to deal with that in a way that wont hurt the relationship?

I optet these thoughts on my last blogpost, and it keeps bugging my mind. It has been bugging my mind before. Nothing me and my man hasn't talked about before. I know he struggels with this to. He has actually asked me if there are a way he could punish without it hurting our relationship. So I then get the idea that he inded wish for having punishments... But we are both fairly new to the lifestyle, so things are hard to figure out.

- ponderouspet
I replied as follows
Thanks for writing ponderouspet

I've written quite a bit on Pygar about punishment I think.

I can understand you not wanting spanking as a punishment as that is currently a pleasure - so that could get confusing and difficult in a number of ways. There are punishments that can be equally as effective as pain. Many subs say that the worst punishment is being ignored. In a true D/s relationship I believe that the key "punishment" is a subs own knowledge that she has upset, disappointed or angered her Dom - and her sadness and distress at this. Any further punishment then becomes inconsequential.

I know some subs though feel that a physical punishment of some kind can wipe away the fault and take away their guilt - thus allowing them to begin afresh with a clean slate. In such a case perhaps it should be the sub who begs the punishment and may even suggest to her Dom what might be appropriate.

Having read your post I know you recognise yourself some of the issues from your past relating to punishment and your acceptance of it. I am sure that will continue to affect you now. I am concerned too about your previous need for cutting. I hope that D/s and bdsm may work together for you in ways that help you develop a positive and strong outlook. I know they have done for some other subs with similar experiences to yourself.

I enjoy "punishing" in a more light-hearted way. I have some sadistic tendencies so enjoy administering spankings, beatings and other painful activities. However this for me is more within the context of erotic or bdsm play rather than as a real punishments for active misdemeanours. I have not been in a true "domestic discipline" type of relationship - it is not my style I am afraid. In any case I am aware that praise can be more effective than punishment in controlling behaviour.

I am currently mentoring a sub who was distressed at the end of a long relationship. So far I have been using praise and pleasure for success as my main training tool. She is thriving on it - blooming even and feels she has grown into her submission much more in the last few months.

Does any of this make any sense?

I am not sure that I have really answered your question properly though - in which case I am sorry. Perhaps my readers may be more adept!

Good luck

Pygar xx

I will soon be writiting a companion pice on "A Kind Dom" about praise.

My previous posts on punishment can be found here:

Thursday, July 21, 2011

to wax or not to wax ...

I received the following email with an unusual question recently. Well it seemed unusual to start with - whether or not a sub should stop waxing at the instruction of a new Dom when it was a very special issue to her. In the end though the question wasn't really about waxing but about trust and understanding. The email exchange is here.
Dear Uncle Agony,

I am a follower of your blog and very much enjoy your writing and thoughts.

I am hoping you might be able to give me some advice from a Dominant Man's point of view.

I am very new to the D/s world. I recently met a man online and he is kind, not demanding (yet) and very attentive. I am looking forward to meeting him for the first time in a few months.

I am clean shaven (waxed). He prefers a lady "au natural". He has requested that I do not continue waxing, and allow my pubic area to go. I told him that this is something I do not want to do. He has given me one month to think things over, and then at the end of this month, we will discuss again.

I DO NOT WANT to stop waxing. I have made a list to discuss with him (my reasons why etc).

What are you thoughts regarding his request? Is he being unreasonable? It is my personal preference, and I just do not feel like a lady if I am not smooth all over!

I welcome any advice/help you might have time to give me.

Thank you very much.

My reply is here.
Dear star

Thank you for your email.

For myself - I prefer a woman clean shaven. I enjoy cunnilingus and hate getting hairs in my teeth! However that was not your question. It is about your partners wishes and your response.

Your new partner prefers a woman unshaven but your strong preference is the opposite. It seems a strange thing to have become such a big issue so early in the relationship. It is clearly very important to him in the same way that it is very important to you. But surely a developing relationship is not going to founder at its first hurdle over whether or not you wax.

I wonder rather whether he is testing you out - and trying to see how obedient you are prepared to be to him even over something very important to you. But it could be that he is just uncaring of your strong concerns.

However he has not instructed you not to wax. You say he has requested it. He has not threatened to punish you or close the relationship - he has given you a month to think it over before it will get discussed again. You are marshalling your arguments in the hope that he might relent. Perhaps if your arguments are good then he will do so.

However as well as power of argument I think it can be good for a sub to use other skills of persuasion. Many Doms might be influenced by some humility and gentle pleading in such a response. I wonder if rather than arguing with him you prostrated yourself and begged so very prettily to be allowed to keep yourself shaven it might prove to be more effective - and more indicative of your desire to submit to him and please him.

Perhaps it is good to have such a challenge early in the relationship. It is giving each of you an opportunity to explore how to resolve such disagreements within a D/s context. It may take some skill and care from you both to resolve.

Take care when you meet for the first time. I hope it all works out really well for you

Best wishes

This was the start of a longer conversation which gives more background - but I wonder how my readers recommend star should respond?

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Road Block

I've just receive this email from Trance. She and her boyfriend are new to D/s but keen to move forward. However they seem to have come up against a road block. Any suggestions?
"Hi Pygar,

I recently began a new relationship. We’re both pretty kinky, and my boyfriend has expressed an interest in being dominant. I’ve known for years that I’ve been submissive, but I just recently started considering a D/s relationship. We’re moving very slowly, but making some progress. Recently we sort of hit a road block. I’m naturally pretty nervous about this whole thing, but my boyfriend says that I’m not submissive because I fight him on everything. I’ll admit that I do let my nerves and self-consciousness get the best of me sometimes, but I just assumed that every submissive went into it a little apprehensive and it was the Dom’s job to sort of train the submissive. Am I wrong? And any advice for overcoming my nervousness?


I replied
"Dear Trance

I think there are so many complexities here. You have a new relationship, D/s is newish to each of you and conflicts are developing. Perhaps 'conflicts' is too strong a word. However there seems danger of real conflict if you cannot develop shared understandings. It would seem a great pity if rushing too quickly into discovering and experimenting with D/s destroyed your underlying relationship. If you can make your underlying relationship strong - with mutual trust and respect - then that will help the future development of a D/s relationship. You could end up with something very special.

For now - neither of you is wrong or right. There is no wrong or right. It is what can work for you.

He says you are not submissive because you fight him over everything. Perhaps he is right. You say it is the Dom's job to help you overcome your nervousness. Perhaps you are right.

At the moment I am with you. It is new to you - but you are apprehensive, nervous, looking for support and help in exploring your feelings and discovering a new direction. He is frustrated that you say you are submissive but cannot obey him. So he is confused and frustrated.

You are right to take it slowly. But it seems you could do with some support and mentorship from others. However in the end it is not how others have succeeded - it is how you are going to find the right path to success. I think your boyfriend needs to have some patience and understanding. He cannot command you into submission but with a little more delicacy then perhaps he might seduce you into submission.

Don't get angry and cross with each other. Just each try your best to understand the other and help each other to make it work. Talk about it - and listen to each other. If he can help you to discover and awaken your submission he will reap far more benefits than berating you for not being submissive.

You will overcome your nervousness when you truly and deeply trust your boyfriend and know that he will always care for you. In the meantime - don't fight him. Just explain when things are difficult. Expect him to listen and lead you again.

It isn't easy. Just work at it together.

Good luck

Pygar "
What do others think? How can they get past the road block?

Monday, May 16, 2011

love in the lifestyle

SouthernSir sent me this interesting question (and later his own response which I agree with.) He and I would be interested in readers' views on this.
Hello Pygar

I am curious about how one feels regarding how love fits in to the BDSM lifestyle.
In reading various resources I have noticed that there are many Dom's who feel
that love towards one's sub is actually a detriment to the relationship and the lifestyle as a whole.
Once a Dom begins to feel emotion's towards their sub it changes the dynamics of the relationship
in such a way that to some they feel it makes them weak, or because of the fact that they now love this person that
they feel they are now no longer able to push their subs limits out of fear of hurting them.
Doesn't love make you stronger not weaker in any relationship?
How can one truly guide someone and push their boundaries in all ways if they do not truly care for that person?

Curious on thoughts about this.

Respectfully yours
I replied,
Thank you SouthernSir for your interesting email.

I feel a caring relationship with a sub is essential. Just my approach. I feel that a real attachment between sub and Dom is key to such relationships. How could a sub give herself totally to her Dom if she did not feel she was cared for - and yes, loved?

I find I have to have a strong affection for a sub and I am not frightened to call it love. Her submission is something precious - to give this deserves respect, care and love.

If a Dom feels no emotion towards his sub then I worry he is not a Dom but an abuser.

I agree strongly with you that love makes you stronger not weaker in a relationship.

You are right that it is possible to push boundaries when there is trust and respect and a true knowledge of care and love.

- Pygar
So what do readers think?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

from husband to Dom - part 2

Shortly after the email from Ann published in the previous post I received this email from London.
I was reading your blog and I wondered if you could possibly help me out a little.
I am interested in exploring my submissive side. I would prefer to explore this with my husband. The problem lies with the fact he is pretty vanilla in the bedroom. I have tried to spice things up, offer myself for service, and to tell him in romantic situations he can have what ever he wants. It really goes no where. Do you have any advice to possibly help?..
It was interesting that this was similar to the email I had received from Ann. I replied:
Hello London

This is very difficult - and a problem that I know a lot of submissive women have. I know a number who want to explore their sub side but whose husbands have no interest at all. Some have worked with their husband to try to move things forward with varying degrees of success. I hope to publish an email from one such on Uncle Agony in the next few days.

I suppose communication is at the heart of this. It might be that you could try to be totally open with your husband about your needs and ask him directly if he would try taking a more dominant role in trying to meet your needs and desires.

Some men find this quite difficult. It contradicts what they believe is an appropriate way to show their love and respect for their wife. However it is only through sharing your needs and desires with him that you will be able to discuss such issues with him. Do recognise though that he may be upset at such revelations and the fact he did knot know you as well as he thought. So take it gently and with care.

Good luck

London wrote straight back,
Pygar x,
Thank you so much for the advice. I have thought a lot about this since the email I sent you. A good friend of mine who is very vanilla but I trust their confidence, suggested I start making myself more attractive to him and to do things that please him. My friend suggested things like always wear something sensual to bed. To wear makeup and dress in ways I think he would like. My friend also suggested I do more around the house such as clean and bake more. My friend thinks that this could lead to the perfect conversation opener. He will certainly notice the changes in me and I can start the conversation by saying "it makes me very happy to pleasure and serve you."
What do you think?
And yes I have no problem with you publishing my emails.

What do readers think London should do? Should she try to talk it through with her husband as I suggested or should she follow her friend's idea and almost try to seduce him into dominating her?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

from husband to Dom?

Ann wrote to me with this interesting email.
Greetings Pygar,

I have been following your blog for a short while and appreciate the topics you address along with the response garnered by your followers.

I was initially drawn to the D/s lifestyle though romantic fiction and now crave real life conversation to further inform me on the possibilities.

In this quest, I have made contact with my local BDSM group and even managed to attend a munch with my husband!

Below is a rough breakdown of our most important experiences.

• He previously (before the D/s conversations started) broke my trust by not respecting NO. We are on our way to repairing that but my trust is still shaky.
• Our first scene went horribly emotionally wrong. We did not inform ourselves and there was no safe word. *cringe*
• He refuses to submit to me when we attempt bedroom scenes. He says he wants to be punished. We obviously need to clear up some language and behavioral rules here. If he wants the "punishment" then it isn't punishment, it is a reward. For good behavior. For submitting. (This particular conversation has been had but I feel like the blind leading the blind here!)
• He currently initiates take down scenes which are very therapeutic for me. I can see the potential for the Dom I think I want here. He knows what I need.
• I'm afraid I will overwhelm him with my intensity of emotion and he will feel OBLIGATED as my husband to do this for me.

Ultimately, I have discovered that I do crave submitting. But I fear he does not crave my submission. Have a put myself between a rock and hard place? Or am I just impatient?

Thanks for listening, Ann
I replied with the following email.
Dear Ann

There is so much in here I am unsure where to start. Thank you though for writing. I am pleased that you have found my posts and the responses helpful. The commenters usually speak far more sense than me!

You mentioned finding D/s through romantic fiction. I am sure for many of us such fiction has lead us to search for similar real time experiences. Do be wary though. Fiction and fantasy can often be very different from reality. In BDSM as well as romance the dreams of the novels are rarely brought to fruition in real life.

It is great that you have been to a munch or something similar with your husband and met real people. But even in that - all "real" people have their own reality. There is no reason why you should not create your own reality.

You have had a lot of challenges in your real-time journey. In particular not taking "no" for an answer, needing and lacking a safe word, your overwhelming him with your own emotions ... all strike me as key.

In craving submission but being unsure of your partner's ability to meet your needs you find yourself in the same position as many of my online sub friends. It is a difficult and insecure place. No - you are not just impatient. However patience may be the key for now.

You are at the beginning so taking things slowly - or at least at a pace that seems comfortable to both of you would be a good thing. I know though how impatient I get in new BDSM relationships and know that I tend to rush things! To my cost though I know that can be a mistake.

I think communication is the key and a desire to understand each other and take account of each others developing needs. I wonder also if you each are yet aware fully aware of your own desires and needs let alone the others? You each seem to have been playing in different roles as sub and Dom - perhaps exploring and discovering. Many do like to switch though others (including myself) feel to be happiest in one role. I wonder too whether you are just exploring the more physical side of BDSM or also the more psychological aspects of D/s and where they overlap?

Do read lots, learn what you can, remember that there are dangers - emotional and psychological as well as physical, take care of each other, have fun and enjoy yourselves.

With kind regards and very best wishes

Pygar xxxx
So what do readers think? Is Ann just being impatient?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Where are the real life Doms?

I've just received the following questions from puppy:
um im 18 an tired of dating boys who are so weak that i get away with anything from teasing them and then saying no and then they just stop like what is that they want me but they don't understand that i want/need someone to tell me what to do and be stronger than me.

well anyways i went to online place to meet men and wrote what i was looking for in a man and was so swamped with responses that it was freaking me out.

finally one man he is 42 years old knew exactly what i needed the thing is he wants to cam first which i don't mind we already exchanged lots of pics and stuff. The problem i am having is what if he doesnt want to really meet me which i want more than anything the what if part comes from maybe he only wants online sub instead of real life.

i know i am a sub and have been since i was a little girl but where are the real life Doms if there are any? And how do i sort the fakes who only want online girls to the ones who want real life?

sorry for my bad spelling

tyvm if you can help me?

- puppy
I replied as follows:
Hello puppy

Thank you for writing. I'm not sure how much I can help but I will try.

I think if you tease boys and then say 'no' - they are right to stop.
You might want to go further but there are girls who just like to
tease and when they say 'no' mean 'no'. A man going too far in such
circumstances could lead to serious consequences.

The whole point of BDSM and D/s is that it is consensual. The way it
works for each couple is worked out over time - so it may be that in a
particular relationship 'no' does not always mean 'no'. However the
Dom would understand the sub well enough to know when that is the
case. Often in such relationships they may have a 'safe word' - and that
really should mean 'no'.

However I can understand your frustrations. If you have been dating
men close to your own age I think few will have the life experiences,
knowledge and experience to be a true Dom. There may also be much for
you still to learn about your submission. That may be why you have
found an older Dom to help you on your journey.

Is he the one for you? Does he want real time or just online? I cannot
tell - you will need to decide that on your own. However as you have
found there are a lot of predatory men on contact sites. Many of them
may pretend to be into D/s when in truth they are just after sex. It
might be that the man you have met online already has a real-time
relationship and only wants online play.

However meeting someone who you only know from the internet can also
be full of potential dangers. So if and when you meet someone make
sure you take appropriate measures to ensure your personal safety.

I do understand your difficulties in meeting a Dom and your eagerness
to get some real experience. However do try to be patient and get it
right. It could be that attending local munches might be a way of
making friends on the scene. You will get lots of friendly advice,
invitations to events and may even meet a Dom who is right for you.

Good luck - I do hope you find what you are searching for.

Best wishes

Perhaps readers can offer some further advice to puppy.

Friday, March 18, 2011

A Question for Q&A month

Naughty Monkey is a very naughty monkey and has sent me a question.

"How much physical damage is too much, for you? What are your limits on that? How much is too much? Where do you and yours draw the line? Bad bruising, welts, drawing blood, marks lasting a few days , or a few weeks, permanent scarring? No marks at all? What are your feelings on this topic?"

My answer ...

Well, I am not eager to mark. For me that is not the point of it. I do not particularly gain my pleasure from the marks or bruises as much as from the response of my partner.

Having said that I will contradict myself a little in saying that I do like to see some marks. For instance the stripe left by the cane or the reddening of skin from a spanking or paddling. But it is these immediate marks that give me pleasure rather than longer lasting ones.

However I know that many subs enjoy being marked. They like to see lasting marks as a memory of a session and enjoy seeing them change and fade over time. Where that is the case then I am of course happy to comply - within reason.

I have no desire to cause serious bruising and certainly not permanent damage or harm. I have an aversion to blood and would not wish to cause bleeding. The only case in which I would consider deliberately causing a permanent mark was as part of a special commitment with a permanent partner.

Does that answer your question dear monkey?

What about my other readers? How much physical damage is too much for you?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I had been intending to write on the Kind Dom blog about this subject. I will do so soon. However by chance I got this email from J:

My question is about something you've mentioned before.

Recently, I was placed "Under Protection" of someone. I wasn't entirely sure what it meant, but HE explained it to me as such.

I had been considering placing you under protection, and even mentioned it to [his slave].
It's usually a bit strange for a Trainer/Master to approach someone about this but since Protocol isn't something you are very into I thought I would make an exception. ;)
There is some Protocol to this kind of arrangement, but very little.
The main thing that I ask is that you take my input and consideration seriously and think it over before making a decision on whatever topic is under discussion.
That does not mean that you have to do what I say of course, just as I said, take my advice seriously.
I think it would be benificial to you and I wouldn't worry as much about you. :)

So, that being said, agreed. I'm pretty headstrong, and I in NO way wanted to be TOLD what to do, but the way I read it, he had no intention on ordering me to do anything.

I travel for work. I've travelled for work for 4 years. But I got back from travelling yesterday, and the first thing out of his mouth when I went to his house to hang out was "you didn't ask my permission to go."
I didn't think I needed to. It's mny JOB, I don't think I should have to ask permisson of ANYONE to work.

Furthermore, he told me I wasn't allowed to go see my long-distance boyfriend over Valentine's Day. Mind you, he's never MET my boyfriend. But was disallowing me from seeing him.
I mean, I'm gona go see him anyway,I'm an adult, but heres my question;

That crosses a pretty serious line, right?
Based on his OWN message to me, he's over stepped his bounds.

Question 2; Any good ideas on how to dissolve this situation without brusing an ego or hurting a friendship?


I rather thought that her protector was pushing the boundaries too far and replied in this way:

Dear J

I was surprised at first that you talked of "being placed 'Under Protection' " in a way that implied it had been the Dom's decision. I feel that is inappropriate. It might be that a friend who is a Dom might offer protection when they feel you are in danger - even from yourself - and need advice and support. But it is not something that one imposes on another. Rather to my mind it is something that comes about from agreement.

I can agree with what your "protector" explained was his role - but certainly not with how he is carrying it out. In his admonishment of you for going away he was being controlling and punitive. It seems totally inappropriate.

I would tell him you are not prepared to accept his "protection" in that form. Given that he cannot keep to his own guidelines I would be wary of accepting it from him in any form. I feel that trust has been broken in this case. Yes he stepped over the bounds. After that it can sometimes be hard to step back again.

But he is a friend - so how do you deal with it? You don't want to hurt his feelings (we Doms are such sensitive creatures! LOL) I think you should explain that while you appreciate his advice and support and will continue to take it seriously you cannot accept the level of control he wishes to impose. I am sure you can find the words to do it appropriately. If he is not prepared to accept this and tries to impose his own solution - then I think you will need to ask yourself if he can remain a friend when he acts in such a way. There would be such lack of respect that for me it would be hard to maintain the friendship.

I hope that helps.

You will of course do what you feel is best.

Best wishes


What do readers feel? Was this overstepping the bounds of "protection"?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Could converting to a D/s relationship ruin a wonderful friendship?

George has written this interesting email:

Hi there. I recently became involved with a beautiful girl who has fulfilled all the things I ever wanted in a woman. Smart, funny, driven, loving, and so forth. The feelings are reciprocal too, which is an amazing feeling. I feel extremely lucky. (The number of times I unthinkingly used the word "feel" or "feeling" should be an indicator of how happy I am.)

A couple of weeks ago, she revealed to me that she is what to me (as an outsider to the BDSM community, with all my stereotypes that come from benign ignorance) seems to be a "textbook" sub. She wants to submit completely to me sexually, let me humiliate and degrade her, take her completely in my thrall, have her will subsumed by mine. We have done some light D/s play with ordering her to do this or that act, light slapping of various parts, hair-pulling, responsible choking, and so forth. However. :) There is always a however.

While on one level I find this profoundly erotic, sexually satisfying in a way I have never been sexually satisfied, it also frightens me a little bit. When I was married to my ex-wife we did some of this "light" BDSM but I never really unleashed this Dom facet that I know is inside my brain to the extent my beautiful girlfriend needs me to. She is amazing in so many ways; emotionally healthy; upbeat. I am afraid "converting" to a D/s-type relationship will ... I don't know, ruin things? How do I balance dominating this girl who I love very much, and by whom I am so perfectly loved, with a D/s sexual relationship? I think that she truly needs to be dominated to be sexually fulfilled. She had a very difficult upbringing in that she was forced to grow up early. Giving up her control and surrendering to the world gives her the relief from her responsibility she needs. I am more than happy to do this for her. But I don't want to lose the hand-holding, kissing, laughing sweetness of a traditional relationship which I take so much pleasure in.

When I say I am "happy to do this for her," I mean it is very sexually satisfying for me as well. I'm not just doing this because she wants me to. I do it because it is something I enjoy as well.

I work hard to be very nice, respectful, considerate in my life without allowing myself to be a doormat. It is nice to unleash my inner Type A in a way I know it will be appreciated and respected.

Can you please provide some input on maintaining a healthy long-term relationship with aggressive D/s features.


I found George's email very interesting. He seems to be a lucky man!

I replied in the following manner:

I really do not think you need to worry at all. She is enjoying this approach and you have discovered in yourself a satisfaction you have never felt before. So do keep to it. I think it will strengthen your relationship not harm it.

You are worried that you may lose the gentleness, care and tenderness that you see as part of your relationship. A healthy and essential part of it. You are right to want to keep this. However I believe that side can be even stronger in a D/s relationship. There is great tenderness in comforting, calming and loving a sub after a hard scene. I think such tenderness is perhaps rare in a normal relationship. There is a real need for such comfort and care. It is very loving.

In my most intense real time relationship, with a sub who was very submissive and perhaps even masochistic, we would walk hand in hand sharing our love and care for each other like any loving couple. There may be those who insist their sub walk two paces behind them. There may be a place for such activity at times but there is no need to lose the tenderness from your relationship. I think that was part of the reason for setting up the original Pygar blog - as a kind Dom. It may seem a contradiction. However the popularity of Pygar's blog has shown that it is an approach that is welcomed by many subs and Doms. I hope it works for you both.

If it doesn't and your girlfriend wants something different - then you will need to talk openly and discuss what will work for both of you. But as the dominant partner she may welcome you deciding how you want the domination to work and being clear about it - whilst ensuring you are meeting as many of her needs as possible.

You have discovered the other side of a strong and powerful person who craves giving responsibility to someone else for a while. There are many powerful men who pay to visit Dominatrices to enable them to give up their power and responsibility for a while - to have someone else take control and care for them.

So taking control of your girlfriend is truly caring for her. Relieving her of her responsibilities is an act of love. You are both gaining satisfaction from it. The only "right way" in D/s is the one that works for both of you.

Enjoy. Have fun. Be happy.

Good luck!!!!

George and I would both be interested in input from other readers. What do you think?