Monday, July 25, 2011


ponderouspet wrote to me about punishment.
Hi there!

Been pondering a bit. I have issues when it comes to punishment. There are several ways to punish, but most of the "common" ways, would lead to disaster. We do not use spanking as punishment, one reason is that he doesn't feel to do that, since I like spanking, and feel that there wouldn't then really be a punishment. He is also fearing that I could end up not liking spanking. I know from childhood that I tend to end up resentfull of physical punishment. Then you have absence, now that brings fear and axiety. That can also end in resentment. You off course have yelling, but that would not work at all, since I react very badly to yelling. So how do you really punish a person that has all this? How to punish me when I am put together like this? Because, in D/s doesn’t there need to be punishments for it to work? I mean, doesn’t failure or breaking rules have to have consequences, and aren’t the usual idea that broken rule follows up by punishment? How to deal with that in a way that wont hurt the relationship?

I optet these thoughts on my last blogpost, and it keeps bugging my mind. It has been bugging my mind before. Nothing me and my man hasn't talked about before. I know he struggels with this to. He has actually asked me if there are a way he could punish without it hurting our relationship. So I then get the idea that he inded wish for having punishments... But we are both fairly new to the lifestyle, so things are hard to figure out.

- ponderouspet
I replied as follows
Thanks for writing ponderouspet

I've written quite a bit on Pygar about punishment I think.

I can understand you not wanting spanking as a punishment as that is currently a pleasure - so that could get confusing and difficult in a number of ways. There are punishments that can be equally as effective as pain. Many subs say that the worst punishment is being ignored. In a true D/s relationship I believe that the key "punishment" is a subs own knowledge that she has upset, disappointed or angered her Dom - and her sadness and distress at this. Any further punishment then becomes inconsequential.

I know some subs though feel that a physical punishment of some kind can wipe away the fault and take away their guilt - thus allowing them to begin afresh with a clean slate. In such a case perhaps it should be the sub who begs the punishment and may even suggest to her Dom what might be appropriate.

Having read your post I know you recognise yourself some of the issues from your past relating to punishment and your acceptance of it. I am sure that will continue to affect you now. I am concerned too about your previous need for cutting. I hope that D/s and bdsm may work together for you in ways that help you develop a positive and strong outlook. I know they have done for some other subs with similar experiences to yourself.

I enjoy "punishing" in a more light-hearted way. I have some sadistic tendencies so enjoy administering spankings, beatings and other painful activities. However this for me is more within the context of erotic or bdsm play rather than as a real punishments for active misdemeanours. I have not been in a true "domestic discipline" type of relationship - it is not my style I am afraid. In any case I am aware that praise can be more effective than punishment in controlling behaviour.

I am currently mentoring a sub who was distressed at the end of a long relationship. So far I have been using praise and pleasure for success as my main training tool. She is thriving on it - blooming even and feels she has grown into her submission much more in the last few months.

Does any of this make any sense?

I am not sure that I have really answered your question properly though - in which case I am sorry. Perhaps my readers may be more adept!

Good luck

Pygar xx

I will soon be writiting a companion pice on "A Kind Dom" about praise.

My previous posts on punishment can be found here:


  1. ponderouspet: Hi! I think I can see you issue -however I do get punished with pain eventhough I am a painslut. There's a difference between pain and pain. Pain as punishment is not pleasurable, and I think this is mainly my own doing, in the way that I do not use processing techniques in receiving this pain, thus not converting it into pleasure.
    But if you don't find this working for you, or appropriate, then there are other options. Like Pygar said the "ignoring" effect can be immense -but a lot of people have issues with this too. Myself I think that this in a monitored environment can be of good effect, i e not being left alone in uncertainty but more like a child being sent to their room (that could be another way too!), or maybe sitting in a corner facing the wall being made to think about what you have done -and why. Maybe a written assignment where you analyse why you do this (if it's an offence that is repeated)or just something that reinforces your feeling of submission and your role.
    Restrictions work too, like cut computer time or extra chores or having something you really like/enjoy for a certain amount of time. The options are endless really, the difficult part is finding what works for just you.
    I hope I have helped in some way.
    Good luck!
    /Sweet girl.

  2. or having something you really like/enjoy taken away for a certain amount of time it should of course have said!

  3. I was wondering the same thing, how to differente between being punished and being spanked for enjoyment.

    Sweet girl, you helped me with your thoughts on not processing the pain to turn it into pleasure. Thank you.

  4. As sweet girl says, there are spankings and there are spankings. A punishment spanking can be given in an abrupt, harsh, no non-sense way that discourages taking pleasure in the physical sensations. Having said that, when a correction is needed, there are a wide variety of methods of focusing the submissive's attention.

    Ignoring, writing assignments, additional chores, taking away pleasurable activities, and the list goes on. One of the most effective I think is a serious, matter of fact lecture on the problem, emphasizing your love for the submissive but making clear that you are disappointed in the behavior.

    A dom should always make it clear that it is the behavior that is undesirable and not the person.

  5. It is interesting, after posting this, I read the following, it is interesting how the same topic seems to spin around a number of blogs simultaneously.

  6. "One of the most effective I think is a serious, matter of fact lecture on the problem, emphasizing your love for the submissive but making clear that you are disappointed in the behavior.

    A dom should always make it clear that it is the behavior that is undesirable and not the person."
    -thank you David for adding that vital point!

  7. I agree with everything Sweet girl said, and also with David about lectures.

    It is all about finding what works for you. Sometimes just knowing I've displeased Chess is enough punishment. Often a lecture is all that is needed. Most of the time if there is physical punishment it is because Chess feels it is necessary, and is more for reinforcement than actual punishment, if that makes sense. Spankings are pleasurable to me because I like pain, however, when I know I am being spanked because I've done something wrong I cannot find pleasure in it. It's all about the mindset.

    Again, just reiterating what has already been said, punishment can come in all forms. Even with physical punishment, and ignoring off the table, there are many other effective tools.

    Also, I agree with you, Ponderouspet, I think "ignoring" can be very damaging emotionally and mentally, but again it depends on the individual.

  8. As I read the letter above, I thought of my father. He was the first dominant in my life and he only used corporal punishment once (and that was a single slap). He had been beaten as a child and was determined not to go down that path with me and my siblings.

    His approach to discipline was very straight forward and very effective. He set very clear expectations and also let us know very clearly what qualified as an infraction and how disappointed he would be if we had to "go there." For example, we had to come home on time. Arriving early was fine. Being one minute late was as bad as being an hour late. I lived to hear praise from his lips so I was certainly motivated to avoid incurring his displeasure.

    On the rare occasion when an infraction did occur, I was sent to my room, where I waited and wondered how much trouble I was in. The waiting was awful. I hated it. I hated knowing he was disappointed in me. I would berate my own foolishness and think of how I might redeem myself.

    When he appeared, I'd usually be a wreck and tearful, the apologies rolling off my tongue. He would give me a hug and sit beside me and ask me what I'd do different next time. We rarely had a repeat of an issue.

    His lessons had a lasting impact too. Even as a young adult home for a visit, I would still ask him what time he wanted me home at night, just like I did as a teenager, because his peace of mind was still more important that what I had planned with my friends. I can still remember the smile he would give me as I kissed his cheek and whispered my question in his ear. And I was always (and I mean always) home on time.

    Punishment is relative it is something you wish to avoid. And like Pygar says, just knowing you've displeasured your dominant is often enough. I know it was for me.

  9. Thank you all. There are some wonderful contributions here. Some very important such as David's statement endorsed by Sweet girl that, "A dom should always make it clear that it is the behavior that is undesirable and not the person."

    I am pleased too that Sweet girl and David have mentioned the difference in mind set between a punishment and more pleasurable spankings. I know how many submissives fee this deeply - and Doms too.

    Thank you too Alice for reinforcing all this from your personal perspective.

    However, I felt myself drawn more and more to the power of SubRosaNoMore's comment. Perhaps especially the final paragraph.

    Thank you all (really all of you) for such wonderfully open, honest and thoughtful contributions.

    I hope that ponderouspet has found them as illuminating as I have done.

    P xx

  10. i cant say anymore than what has already been said, there are so many different forms of punishment that can be used that are just as effective as physical punishment. For me punishment was knowing i upset or annoyed my previous dom, i didnt like letting him down or feel that i had failed him so my punishment was usually no communication at times for a few days, i found this type of punishment hard to accept and would get quite upset given we had a long distance relationship. i would have preferred other types of punishment like the ones suggested above or physical punishment.

  11. Thank you blossom. I know it has often been said that being ignored can be the most hurtful of punishments.

  12. blossom: i agree -ignoring has NO place in LDR's, they are fragile enough as it is! In presence though i can see it work, bot only like i stated earlier, for short times and with the Dominant actually there -like for example not being allowed to speak at the dinner table, or not being allowed to sit beside or speak with the Dominant whilst watching TV...something like that.
    If my Dom would ignore me for days in punishment it would cut me so so deep -it's difficult enough when contact is severed for circumstances out of our control!

    And just like SubRosaNoMore wrote: the biggest punishment is knowing that you did wrong, that you disappointed them. The physical punishment is as so often discussed more to repent, to feel the due's been paid and that it is dealt with, over and done. Usually our Sir's forgive and forget much sooner than we do ourselves.

    Ok...i'll leae the word to someone else now *LOL*

  13. Thanks Pygar for posting this, and thank you all for all the great replies! Have had a bit of a busy week, so first got to read it fully now!


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