Wednesday, December 17, 2014

letting go ...

Bitch wrote a comment on an old post here on A Kind Dom. It was,
"You can call me Bitch. :) I long to remain submissive, but sometimes I can't seen to keep my mouth shut when Master says to. I'm terrified of disappointing him, but I'm so strong willed. I've always had this part of me that longed to be dominated, but I'm also a person who is in control of my life. Balancing what I want in the bedroom and who I am outside the bedroom is difficult. I need advice on how to "let go" and be a good little Bitch. Thank you."
How does one find that balance if one is strong? She is in control yet yearns to be a good submissive and not disappoint her Master. How can she "let go" and truly become a "good little Bitch"? Have any of you had this struggle? How did you resolve it?

Thursday, June 19, 2014

self harm

Ana raised some questions about self-harm in comments to posts on A Kind Dom. I have written a post in reply and asking for the views or readers here. I hope readers of Uncle Agony might be interested.

So ...

... can a D/s relationship help meet a desire to self harm but in a more constructive way?

Sunday, June 1, 2014

on being controlling or being controlled

On a recent post on A Kind Dom about submission, pain and masochism Lauren asked a number of questions in the comments section. One of the questions here related to being controlling yet yearning to be controlled:
a certain personal life event has made me come to realise that I, in general life, am very controlling, yet I yearn to be controlled by a man...

by being controlling in every other aspect of my life... And also wanting to be submissive at the same time... I feel it is wrong? I associate being submissive also with being feminine... And by being controlling I feel like I am going against my sex and this also feels wrong...

pygar, can you please help me and give me some of your insight.
I am sure I do not have any special insight - but perhaps my readers do. Please feel free to comment.

Is there any contradiction between having a controlling personality and a desire to be controlled?

Is there an association between being submissive and being feminine?

What do readers think?

Thursday, April 24, 2014

a double life

Anonymous recently posted a comment here to the earlier topic "My husband cannot begin to be the man I need ..."
"Hi, I too am married with 3 kids living a double life. I was dreadfully unhappy and went seeking sex. I met my Dom and the obviousness of my submissive self started pouring out. It you test the water be prepared to swim.. Once you get to express yourself this way, it becomes undeniable. If anyone knows of any blogs of women in this situation please post, I would love to read.thx"
A follow up post by flogginfloozie mentioned her own blog here.

Are any other readers in a similar position? Have you tested the water? Did you sink or swim?

Do you know of other blogs of women in this situation?

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Is a BDSM relationship the answer?

I have just heard from Sh. She has never been sexually satisfied in previous relationships. Might BDSM be the answer for her? Here is her email.
I have never been in a relationship that was considered as D/S. Granted I was in a domination relationship where my ex used physical/mental abuse against me but not one of dominance.
That being said, I have started reading more and more about the relationship and the importance linked to the relationship between a dom and is sub. I am 44 years old, extremely independent and have never had a relationship where the sex was truly gratifying to the point I was sated afterwards. I know that doesn't say much since I have had few partners and have now gone more than 10 years without sex because why have sex casually when it does not achieve the results I seek. I have tended to be the one in control in the realm of sex when it comes to my past lovers because I knew what I needed but never achieved satisfying those needs because my lovers never took control as I had wanted. This was even after telling them straight out that I wanted them to control what happened. Don't get me wrong, I know how to satisfy my partner. Thinking it was me instead of the lack of connection of my partner I started reading information about sexual satisfaction which led me to BDSM information.  I tend to research the heck out of anything before I ask more questions and now comes my questions. 

1. In the realm of a dom/sub relationship is truly about pleasure and mutual satisfaction? 

2. I know there are how to books on being a submissive and such (as you have listed on your page) but how do you begin to get into this type of relationship? 

3. Safety is always been an issue with me since my first relationship was so abusive. Do Doms actually take safety is a priority or is it just the romanticism portrayed in books that show that it is a priority?  I am not meaning code words or signals but actual safety. 

4. I am allergic to latex which is another reason I don't do casual sex. Would this type of thing be an issue?

I know these may sound like trivial things but I have learned that you cannot always gain the truth by books. Romanticism of facts tends to override facts when trying to attempt to change the viewpoints of things. 
I responded like this.
The things you ask about are not trivial at all. I can understand why all your questions are very important to you.

You have explained about your abusive previous relationship, your natural dominance in sexual encounters and your lack of physical satisfaction in sexual relationships. After more than ten years abstinence, when you are clearly a very sexual woman, I can imagine you are keen to find a way forward. BDSM can seem very thrilling from the outside. And yes, it can be. Very. It can also be as mundane as any relationship. The key is maintaining a level of intensity. BDSM can contribute to that intensity but as in any other relationship both partners have to be committed to making it work. Some find it more difficult to find a dominant partner than a vanilla partner. You want all the things you want from a vanilla partner and more. The levels of trust needed are even more important because of the safety issues - physical and mental.

I am wondering what has made you decide that you would like to be the submissive in a relationship? On the positive side giving up control can be a very intense and satisfying experience for some. There are also many who have controlling instincts in their character and who are dominant in their day to day life who get great satisfaction from being able to give up that control to someone else for a period. It can help de-stress and rebalance them. On the negative side I worry just a little in case there are remnants of your abusive relationship where you miss some of that abuse in some strange way. In my view that would not be a good reason to embrace submission though there are many subs who have had an abused history.

So on to your questions! These are just my own views. I hope readers of Uncle Agony will contribute their own comments.

1. Is a sub/dom relationship truly about pleasure and mutual satisfaction? It can be. It perhaps should be. For many it truly is. However as with any relationship this requires the commitment of both partners. In many D/s relationships it purports to be about the pleasure of the Dom. The sub gains her own pleasure from pleasing the Dom. it is why she submits. However I like to give my sub pleasure. It makes me happy also to know that she is happy. But that is just the stuff of normal relationships. Perhaps D/s ones are no different.

2. How do you get into this kind of relationship? Well that is always hard. Getting a compatible new partner of any kind can be difficult let alone a dominant one. I wrote about it some time on Uncle Agony here and again here. There are friendly munches where like minded people meet up purely socially and there are play events where people are not pressurised to take part. There are online networking sites like You might find others in your area through something like that. As with all internet contacts - take care. You may even find a friendly blogger lives near you!

3. Yes safety is a major issue. Of course all Doms should take it very seriously. However Doms are human. Some of them are careless, manipulative, uncaring or just plain ignorant like in any other cross section of the community. It is important at the start that you take responsibility for your own safety and only engage in potentially dangerous activity when you have built a real and firm trust - and even then question and discuss safety.

4. Is an allergy to latex an issue? Well if you want sex with men who are not virgins then yes it is an issue if you cannot use condoms. Sex does not have to be part of D/s or BDSM play. Some are into very specific aspects such as bondage, corporal punishment, objectification or fetish activity. However sex forms the core for many. You say that you have never been sated from sex. That is a key part of your desires. Clearly when you are in a long term relationship with someone you trust and whose sexual history you know then it will no longer be an issue - especially if you both have tests at a sexual health clinic. Until then I am not sure what to advise. Penetration is not essential for enjoyable sex. However many men think it is so you may turn many off through refusing it as you cannot use a condom.

Good luck. I am sure though that some of my readers will give better advice than I have done.
So dear reader. There is a challenge for you. Is a BDSM relationship the answer for Sh? Or do you have thoughts about her specific questions?

Thursday, January 23, 2014

how to make a punishment more severe or effective

I received an interesting email recently - very different from the usual questions I am asked. LL finds that during a punishment beating her bottom soon starts to go numb which rather ruins the point of it. Here is her email which will explain. 
Dear Uncle Agony,

My husband of nearly 20 yrs and I have been pursuing DD and a D/s dynamic in our relationship for the past year.

In that time, we've progressed from very light paddles, a 5-gallon paint stick, a paddle-style hairbrush, & wooden spoons of varying weights & densities to a thin heavy plastic/rubbery stick, and his implement of choice - the poplar paddle (he's a carpenter. He's got a thing for wood 😏
). The paddle is 3"x12"x3/4" - not including the handle.

Our problem is that by the time a session gets uncomfortable enough to be effective punishment, I'm already beginning to go numb. He always does a warm-up (with the paint stick), and has developed the habit of taking a couple of breaks during a session to lecture & switch implements. Our most recent punishment session left me in a very dark place emotionally. It felt very much as if the session was cut off in the middle - there was no closure at all.

What recommendations can you make to help us make punishment more severe/effective? (I understand that severe & effective aren't always the same thing, but I believe that in this instance they are closely related.)  I feel that we may need to move on to a more severe implement. If so, what would that be? I've been wondering if a tawse or other fairly heavy leather implement would be more effective.

Any suggestions you have would be very much appreciated.


Here is my response.

Dear LL

I am not sure that spanking is my main area of expertise though I admit to enjoying giving spankings and beatings. My approach tends to be sensual rather than with the aim of inflicting maximum pain. However I am sure there will be readers of Uncle Agony who have the same approach as yourselves. In both approaches though the aim is to create, maintain and increase sensation. Numbness of course spoils the whole point.

So how best to maintain maximum sensation?

I wonder first if you might already be starting off a little harshly. Yes it needs to hurt - but the start is perhaps more to get the nerve endings sensitised so that they feel the later action more rather than less. So I suggest you start almost gently and build more slowly.

The other main point though that is most important is frequent long pauses with rubbing of the bottom and perhaps squeezing or even scratching it lightly. The pauses for stroking should be at least two to three minutes long. That may seem rather long and a waste of good spanking time. However I think you will find after each pause that the sensations are greater and there is less numbness.

You might also vary and alternate between different types of implement and experiment with using them in a different order. A lot of your instruments seem to be heavy and thuddy as opposed to light and whippy. A thin light cane can cause a very different pain from a heavy paddle. Each will have a different physical effect and there are dangers of different kind of damage. A heavy paddle can cause deep bruising yet a thin cane has more likelihood of breaking the skin. While it is of course nice to leave marks my personal preference is not to cause longer lasting damage. In any case the nature of Inès' work is such that she cannot have obvious and long lasting marks. A tawse, strap or belt gives a very different kind of sensation - also floggers and whips.

I hope this is of some help. However I am sure thre will be more expertise among my readers I hope we will get some more suggestions from my readers.

Good luck and happy spanking

So dear readers. Have you expertise in this area? Have I got it wrong? What would you suggest?

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Learning about Dominance

I have just had an interesting exchange of emails with J. He is interested in learning more about dominance but has not found the resources he seeks. I publish our emails below.
Hello there!

I am interested in learning more about the brass tacks of Dominance in so far as scene crafting and basic how-to's. Most of what I have seen out there from an educational standpoint seems to be slave training or stuff geared toward submissives. My sub and I have attended a few workshops here and there when time allows, but I don't know any other Dom/mes that I can skillshare with or bounce ideas off of. Another issue is that I identify as a feminist and I want to steer clear of people who aren't respectful to gender minorities and/or don't have a proper understanding of power and privileges that play out in our non-BDSM lives. Can you offer any advice or connect me with anyone who can give some insight to newly out Dom/mes? Is there anything you've read that has been particularly enlightening? I'm considering getting the Topping and Bottoming books and I have read The Loving Dominant. Something that's less theory and more "meat" would be much appreciated.

I replied,
I don't beleive that there are right or wrong ways to be a Dominant - other than in the ethical sense and that is what led me to start writing the "A Kind Dom" blog. I wanted to esplore the ethical contradivtions in kindness and being dominant. I also wanted to look at the danger of emotionally or psychologically vulnerable submissives becoming being manipulated or abused. I too would identify as a feminist and have discussed it on the blog here and here. There was an interesting comment by Remittance Girl which also discussed feminism here.

I have come across many submissive bloggers who would describe themselves as feminists. A quick Google comes up with lots. Though there are many others for whom feminism is an anathema. Everyone is different and I believe it is for each of us to come up with our own model of what works for us in a respectful and trusting relationship.

Reading though can help you find lots of other ideas and models. As well as The Loving Dominant I have listed a number of books on Uncle Agony that have been recommended by readers and a few websites.

You may also find that joining a kinky social networking site like Fetlife will help you find like minded networks of people with whom you can discuss your thoughts and learn from them. Even just reading personal bdsm blogs can give a special insight into how real people live their lives within a bdsm framework.

I suggested that I publish J's email on Uncle Agony in the hope that readers may respond. He replied positively and added,
Part of my desire to learn more as a Dom/me (spelled thusly because I am gender fluid) stems from my desired to dominate ethically and with the psychological wellbeing of my submssive (who is also my wife) intact. I have been a member of FetLife for approximately two years, and while it's a great way to network, resources for feminist Dominants are lacking on there as well. I was drawn to your blog after I made contact with a Dom who initially said things I appreciate, but digging into other writings of his revealed him to be quite problematic and misogynistic.
I suppose I shall continue my search. I've considered just trying to learn as much as I can from a Dom/me who might be problematic, while actively filtering out that which I know doesn't jive with my consciousness. But damn, that feels like a daunting task! It also leaves one vulnerable to being associated with someone who doesn't have a great track record, and that is dangerous in small communities where affiliation is important.
So readers. Do you have any direct suggestions for J or other ideas for where he can search?