Wednesday, December 8, 2010

How can I learn how to be a Dom?


My wife has had a successful D/s background, I have not and had a very staid previous set of conventional relationships. Her background includes an abusive mother, a father who died in her infancy, a rape, she is more than entitled to have dark and erotic sexual feelings. I am relatively gentle man, although large (6 5, 17 stone) and strong. Always taught to treat women with respect, care and gentleness in the bedroom. That doesn't work as well as it should for us. My wife enjoys rough sex, being treated as a slut,

We fell in love and were doing well, but other areas of our relationship are suffering. Whereas the lack of D/s in our lives was a nice to have that we didn't have - now I feel it's important to save our marriage, stop he being bored, ultimately leaving. I am an intelligent, successful man. I can learn and want to build on the conventional passion that is within me, but push through what currently needs conscious thought and put into into routine - if I can be so cold.

I have read and read, so much on the internet is people's opinion, experience. Does there exist a clear guide to being a D? Something that uses clear English, with examples of behaviours (she does not like or enjoy pain over that of a gentle spanking) such that I grow? She has talked of the way that I can hold her face, how I can act - but I sense her desire not to have to teach me, that is for me to grow into.

Any advice or reading you can share?

With thanks



Dear N

I know a few subs who have similar desires to your wife but who have husbands like yourself who have problems with this. One in particular described her husband very much like you as someone who was, "always taught to treat women with respect, care and gentleness in the bedroom." I do understand how this is an issue - but you are looking for ways to address it. You want to make it work and I feel from your mail that she does too.

Firstly though - I do not believe that there is a "right" way to be a Dom - any more than there is a "right" way to be a sub. What is important though is that you are each able to communicate your needs and desires and work hard to meet each others. So yes - it might be that sometimes you treat your wife more "roughly" than you may feel is right - but in a context where this is just sexual play. It can work well because she knows you are a caring and gentle person. That care and gentleness will be so effective at the end of such a scene where you hold and support one another.

It is your care and love for her and need to also express your gentleness that will distinguish between your play together and the abuse she has suffered in the past. It is good to look on the internet and perhaps find fantasies that you can act out together - but you need to find a way of finding fantasies that you can indulge in together. Part of your Domination of her can be that she carries out what you desire - helping to fulfil your own fantasies.

Perhaps she could direct you to some erotic fiction that she finds arousing - and you to her - so that you can each get a feel for each others desires. Then look for safe ways to investigate such fantasies - being prepared for them to sometimes go wrong but knowing you are each prepared to try again.

Do try. You clearly feel your marriage is at risk. Good communication is a start. Be prepared to review how things go - without blame - just thankful that each of you is trying.

Good luck!

Best wishes



I am not sure I have really answered N's question - or have just put my own gloss on it. Perhaps others can offer better advice - from the Dom's or sub's perspective. I know many others have struggled with such issues and can perhaps give advice from your own direct experience.