Thursday, March 10, 2016

Graham's update

Graham wrote to Uncle Agony with a relationship here. He wrote in again with an update here. In summary his partner is married and her guilt and fears of getting caught have resulted in a number of strategies including an online relationship.

The relationship seemed to have developed in very positive ways as Graham describes below. However Graham is finding it difficult to know how to cope with his partner's feelings of guilt.
Thought I would provide an update and ask you and your readers for some thoughts

Since last September we have been very committed to our relationship and our love has grown.

We took a vacation together where we experienced all the physical experiences we have been wanting and needing......

But there is one aspect that nags at us....and that is why I'm writing

At times as you know our relationship seems like a roller coaster ride.

This comes from her deep need regarding her submission....and the guilt she feels from being married ( our relationship is secret) and her desire not to hurt her family and friends if she (we) are discovered.

At times she says she can't look at herself in the mirror - over the "fraud" she is committing. .....and then feels inclined to back off.

This of course is the opposite where I would like things to go, but her fear about being in public, doing touching in a car, even getting a hotel room, has little appeal for her. I'm ok anyway I can to be together.....and would like more.

I suggested we lease an apartment, or buy a condo or motor home.....and while initially she thought that was a good thing......the guilt overwhelmed her and she doesn't want to talk about .

She has been married over 30 years with wonderful children and good friends and she doesn't want to hurt anyone.....but she says I am the only one who can give her all that she needs and wants. We do love eachother very much.

I want to care and support her everyday I can.....but when these guilt feelings come over her....I'm not sure what I can do to help.

Any thoughts?

I replied,
I know of many women whose husband could not or would not meet their submissive needs who have taken on clandestine relationships purely to meet that need. However they continue to love their family and husband. That is what causes the guilt.

You say she loves you and of course in a way she does because you meet her needs and have a close and intimate relationship and enjoy spending time together. However she has another life that she does not want to give up and knows she is in danger of causing severe hurt and distress to people she loves who have done nothing to deserve it.

If you want to help her then you need to try to understand her and recognise that this is not a rejection of you but a natural response to the necessary secrecy of her life with you and what she may see as a betrayal of those closest to her. If you truly wish her to be fulfilled then you need to work with her to try to address and resolve those issues. I worry you may just want the issues to disappear so you can each enjoy what you have together. I don't think though that it is going to disappear and there is little you can do that will help that happen. What you can do is to recognise her distress, understand it and try to help her find her own way of coming to terms with it.

Does that make any sense?
So readers, what do you think? What should Graham do?