Monday, March 30, 2020


No, I am not a health expert or a scientific expert. So I will not try to offer you any of my own advice. Instead I am going to shamelessly pinch from Fetlife part of a short post they have written there with some excellent links. If you would like to read the whole post it is here.

:::::   :::::   :::::

If you've been following the news recently you've probably heard of the Coronavirus or COVID-19. And, depending on where you live, there might already be recommendations or regulations in place to combat the spread of COVID-19 where you live.

In the news, across the internet, and on FetLife... many people are telling others what they should and shouldn't be doing. Instead of telling people what to do, which we find very seldom works, we wanted to share with you links that we've found useful so that you can make informed decisions for you and your loved ones.


Real-Time Dashboards

By the Numbers

United States



Other Useful Resources

For those who are missing school or have kids that are missing school:

Khan Academy - Classes For Children and Teens
450 Ivy League Courses

:::::   :::::   :::::

Me again. Although I said I wasn't going to offer my own advice, I will give you just one thought (with an amusing link...)

Saturday, February 10, 2018

"But why?"

Recently a couple of very long comments were posted by Anonymous to A Kind Dom in response to the post punishment and domestic discipline. The questions she asked seemed to be too far reaching to respond to in another comment - and also worthy of wider discussion. So I am posting the comments here as an Uncle Agony post. The commenter wrote:

Hello, Pygar, I am quite new with even knowing what BDSM is, stumbling across accidentally at in the last month or so. Your blog seems more contemplative and introspective than most and questions assumptions, so I am hoping that you can help me (and other vanilla people like me) get more insight into BDSM (and power exchange in particular) that simply does not make sense to me as a non-practitioner. I hope this question gets seen as it is replying to an old posting. I will check back here to see if any response...

What I didn't get for a while is why the sub participates at all, at first. Why be subject to someone? Now I see examples that for some people it is fun to feel like they want things done for them as escapism (which in some cases and lighter reading seems to be the case, like bedroom-only submission). Others apparently feel the NEED to serve others more than wanting to have things happen to them in the bedroom. . More surprising still to me is that this come across as NEEDING to get hit and are unsatisfied if their Doms (in some cases husbands and wives) are not into "impact play" ENOUGH -- they actively want to feel pain, and not always as masochists. Etc... It strikes me as an odd constellation of attributes that do not seem connected to each other... service vs being controlled vs wanting to be treated meanly or painfully in the moment (still in good fun like a scene) with impact play... But I get the various reasons, disparate as they seem.

Anyway, this is all background to my main question, which is about punishment and why people who choose to participate in power exchange let themselves agree to be punished... Here are some things I think I DO get: I see husband/wife blogs where wife beats husband but he LOVES in a consent-nonconsent kind of way so it is a kindness to him (or vice-versa) and ultimately actively enjoyed (after the moment of pain at least), where it all seems like good mutual fun and definitely not punishment. Fine. I also subs who want to give their all for their Doms -- they serve to please. Fine. Also where subs want impact play . Fine again. What I do NOT get is the REAL punishment thing. I understand after I got some replies that it is consensual (or should be). Sub has consented or even negotiated it. But that does not mean the punishment is not damned painful still from what I see.

What I don't get is the sub mindset that has them consent to it in the first place. WHY would a sub consent to extreme unpleasantness for human failings where a vanilla relationship the might deal with (just) the partner's disappointment or need to promise to improve to their spouse but not be receive significant (often physical) pain? Or for things that would not even be considered a transgression in a vanilla relationship? I have read blogs where multiple strikes of the cane (or crop) is the punishment... serious ouch? Here if I am a sub who wants only to serve someone and make their life better. I also agree to be corporally punished if I screw up? Why not just walk away from entering this relationship in the first place? why would I want a Dom like that (and this one is NOT a rhetorical quetion, as obviously many subs DO like a Dom like that, lost of very happy sub bloggers talk about punishment and yet seem to love the relationships...).

Also people are punished for simple things... forgetting to do chores, accidentally erasing a recording, getting angry, whatever... I do not sense in may cases that is proportional, or fair. Fine: Dom/Sub can be inherently unbalanced/unfair (you want someone to tell you what to do and you want to obey), but why would someone sign up for that (the punishment dynamic aspect I mean)?

What I do not get is all the SERIOUS references to this terrible thing (for a sub) that cannot be enjoyable (blogs say it should be VERY unpleasant to be a reminder in future, etc.), so where is the fun in that?? I would run for the hills! Supposedly the Dom hates to give it too (usually I read that), etc... sub must endure it as it is for her benefit in the end, etc. But generally in psychology, praise and positive reward gets better results anyway that negative consequences.

Are subs so screwed up that they feel they need to agree to be chastised this way (no offense to any sub intended, this is a rhetorical question and my thinking is that the answer is NO they should not need to feel to accept this). Does they somehow get off on the idea of being punished, it is somehow part of the kink of the whole thing so they ultimately like it? Or are they desperate for a Dom and tolerate it for this reason (yes, consensually, i know, but enthusiastically?)

Why would a sub agree to something so singularly unpleasant with someone she wants to have a good relationship with? I would think this would make subs resentful. This absolution/atonement thing (sub needs it / requests it to feel better) can't be the main reason can it? Surely some subs can make a mistake and just feel like "oops sorry I will do better because I care for you and agreed to be obedient" instead of kicking themselves emotionally over it forever... Why get so upset if I had reason to disobey one time? Surely the Dom is imperfect too and for minor infractions he just slides by...(for major ones I imagine the sub might walk away just like if your spouse cheated on you, etc., but to me that should stop the BDSM agreement completely anyway so it is a moot point).

And even more seriously, a number of bloggers and bdsm sites report they in soe relationships the sub cannot even use a safeword during punishment. What kind of consensual and mutually gratifying is THAT? Even consensual-nonconsent play needs a safeword, but punishment does not? This is going into the risk of forcing people if you ask me. What next, if non-consent can my Dom LITERALLY force me into restraints to apply a punishment and not let me safeword out? Does this happen? Is there still any consent left with no safeword? It seems a very slippery and dangerous slope to me, and seems accepted not only in a lifelong relationship where a safeword is disallowed with a wink-wink because a husband and wife really know each other's true tolerances for years anyway. I simply cannot bend my mind around that one (no safeword) case not running the risk of being abusive (should the sub want to stop it) or VERY close to that risk...

Anyway, maybe Doms really think it is good because they get the submissive to do what they want or "improve", but do all subs need such improvememt? Probably no more than your average person, who doesn't have to suffer painfully for it. Surely they do not all feel so bad about themselves (subs are strong and feel good about themselves I also read!) that for every screwup they need to accept this... sorry I am ranting and rambling but help us vanilla folks get an answer to "what am I missing here?" Thanks anyone for reading and replying thoughfully... I hope nothing I wrote was deeply insulting to anyone, it was not intended in that spirit, but truly to try to understand something I just do not get. People choose this, and many seem to love the overall lifestyle, even as they claim to us (or themselves) that seriously unpleasant punishment is OK because the Dom/me says they screwed up (and MAYBE the sub even agrees). But why?

I was a bit overwhelmed at first by the range of questions and issues raised. However the core one seems to be about the acceptance of punishment in a Domestic Discipline relationship.

There will clearly be different answers to all of the questions from different people. Yes, some do get off on the pain that comes with much punishment, others dislike the pain but love the way if makes them feel controlled and submissive, others just like to please their partners. There will be other reasons too - and for many it may well be a combination of such reasons.

Other interesting and contentious issues are also raised - such as consensual non-consent, the use or not of safe words and the danger of it all slipping into the realm of abuse.

So readers. How do you respond to these questions? Anonymous has clearly done a lot of reading but still has some genuine questions. Can anyone help explain?

Perhaps she just needs to dip her toe into the water to discover for herself...


Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Sticking point

Mary emailed me again recently. Things seem to be going very well for her but she has a problem. I'll let her explain:
I have a question that you and perhaps some of your regular correspondents might be able to help with.

There is no delicate way of saying this… but…. I really cannot stand the thought of my Dom coming in my mouth. Last time I wrote a limits list, that was a soft limit. He quite often said that he would come down my throat instead, and that he would push this as a limit.

Since we’ve been taking this particular thing slowly, as I’m still learning, it hasn’t happened yet, and to be honest, I hoped it wouldn’t.

I hurriedly messaged a few things yesterday as a new list, and as a consequence, didn’t really think about where I was putting them. Both of the above things went under hard limits.

This has caused problems….
I had a message asking me if I understood how rejected a man feels when his lover won’t swallow his come. I said I didn’t understand, no. I then explained that it is something I have never done as I just have a thing about it. In truth, I find it revolting. I don’t like the taste or the texture of semen ( it happened once, accidentally, and I didn’t enjoy it at all), and it took me a great many years to get used to giving a man oral sex, as it was something I didn’t feel comfortable with at all.

He has been incredibly hurt and rejected by this, and he didn’t realise that I felt so strongly about it. I in turn have found it difficult to understand why its such a big deal. I explained that I absolutely was not rejecting him, but the fact that I was clumsy with my list means that he now has no limits he can push, and the fact that it was a soft limit in the first place didn’t sit easily with him.

We have talked and things are better, but I know we will have to deal with this at some point.

Has any one else had this issue? How did they deal with it? Is there anything I can do to make the idea more…er…palatable?! He suggested using condoms as a compromise but I intensely dislike the feel and taste of them too.
So…where to go?

Any ideas?
Here were my suggestions:
Many men like to come in their partner's mouth. I suppose also that in a D/s context it can have elements of control and humiliation depending on how it is done. Though equally it can also be part of a sensual and loving activity. I wonder what aspect of it is it that you find particularly revolting. You describe the feeling of the taste and texture but I wonder if that is the real issue? That would be possible surely to get over - having something that tastes unpleasant or has a strange texture in one's mouth is certainly not nice - but is it really so revolting? And if it has only happened once - then might it not be something you could get used to? I have heard that if the man is thoughtful about what he eats and drinks beforehand that can have an effect on taste. For instance drinking pineapple juice is supposed to make the semen taste sweeter though I do not know how effective that is. Also the taste buds tend to be towards the front of the mouth so taking the semen deeper in your mouth or directly into your throat can be more acceptable - that way the texture may also be less noticeable.

You say that it took you a great many years to get used to giving a man oral sex, as it was something you didn’t feel comfortable with at all. I wonder then if your fear of a man coming in your mouth is part of a deeper set psychological issue rather than just a matter of taste and texture. If that is the case then working on it very slowly might help you with it. My suggestion if he is prepared to go along with it is that for the moment he agrees that he will not come in your mouth and there will need to be trust from you that he will stick to the agreement and will ensure it does not happen. He will need to realise that if he breaks the agreement, even inadvertently, that this could make the situation even worse. Perhaps then you could have daily sessions where you please his cock with your hands and his mouth learning different ways of giving him pleasure. You can explore different ways of kissing, licking, sucking, stroking, blowing on his cock to give him as much pleasure as possible. Could that not be seen as part of your role as a sub to give him as much sensual sexual pleasure as possible. In this way you might find that you can enjoy oral sex as part of your service, knowing he will not come in your mouth. It will be helpful too if he is very careful about personal hygiene during this time so that you know his cock will be scrupulously clean.

If you come to a point where you see this as a part of your role in pleasing him and your getting over your discomfort as part of your submission then you will have made a big step forward. If you do manage to get to that point perhaps you could then consider having him come in your mouth as the natural culmination of such a pleasure giving session. If that works then it could perhaps be a very occasional event rather than a regular and often one helping you to accept it as part of your submission.

If he really does want to help you get past a hard limit then getting cross or upset with you will not help. He needs to be understanding and thoughtful of your fears and needs in moving forward on this. I am sure he would also want to give you a very special reward for being such a good girl if you do manage to get past your fears.

I do have another suggestion. Inès very much dislikes me coming in her mouth. She too finds it disgusting. However because of this she finds it a very powerfully submissive activity and in another sense loves it for that. We do not do it in the way I have described to you above. Instead when we are having sex I will occasionally move my position and put my cock into her mouth as I am about to come so that she has little warning of it. That is the only way it works for her. If she has foreknowledge of it then the anticipation of it makes it impossible for her. The surprise is what works! I wonder if that might also work for you? Inès tells me that she has never done it in the past with other partners and could not do it with anyone else but loves it with me because of how submissive it makes her feel.

I hope some of these thoughts are helpful. I hope too that you can find a way to make it work for you both. Do talk about it together and don't be bullied - that is very different from being dominated. As your Master he has to be aware of and considerate of your own needs and fears.
Have any readers had this problem? If so how have you got over it? Any suggestions? Have any Doms experience of helping their subs get over such an issue?

Thursday, November 17, 2016

"Is my Dom abusing me"

I seem to have been discussing that a lot recently on A Kind Dom so it was interesting to receive an email recently from someone describing herself as a "New Sub" which had that title. She and her partner are both new to the world of BDSM and are in a new relationship. That brings about lots of very understandable fears.

Enough though of my preamble. Hear what she had to say,


I am extremely lost and confused and have no where to turn, please help.

I am brand new to the D/S world and found myself in a D/s relationship by accident. We have been together for about 2 months now, and everything is still very new.  He was very open from the start about his desires, and I found myself very interested (surprisingly so). We agreed to keep it mainly in the bedroom for now. He admits that he is also very new to this, and has had only some short D/s experiences.  However, since he admits to being new I find myself not trusting his commands a lot of the time, which (of course) creates a problem.  I also find myself resisting (very strongly resisting) certain tasks.  For instance, he often commands that I do "assignments" like cook him dinner, plan a date, or think of ways I can sexually please him more and demonstrate at our next meeting (seemingly normal commands).  I have since done all of those things(and enjoyed doing them), but not when he has commanded.  When he commanded them (these were all over the phone) I instantly felt this strong resistance and anger. In the vanilla world I have a dominant personality, and as such, these things seem to be against my very nature. Also, I think my resistance stems from the fact that even when I do "extra" things to please him I do not feel these are being acknowledged, or at least not enough/in the right way.  For instance, I have been exercising 5 days a week to try to enlarge my behind, and as such I am often very sore. However, he doesn't adjust the positions for my soreness and seems to have the attitude that I should "suck it up." This really angers me as I am doing this for him (partially of course) and he can't even make small adjustments for me? I almost feel as if nothing will ever be enough, although to his credit he does acknowledge and say that he liked "x", and that I'm a "good girl".  However, often he demonstrates how pleased he is by demanding I perform oral on him (discussed below), or doing something else that gives HIM sexual pleasure. This is not how I would like him to express that I have done a good job, or at least not all the time. I'm not sure how he could improve on making me feel appreciated (he says allowing me to give him pleasure is my treat--which I agree to a limited extent) and as such it's difficult for me to discuss it with him. 

Also, sexually I feel like it is very one-sided.  He is very into anal, and I am an anal virgin.  I agreed to try, and he has been very warm and patient, but it has been large focus.  As of yet I have derived only slight pleasure (more so discomfort) from this anal journey, and would prefer to stop or cut down significantly, but continue as it makes him happy.  Additionally, his commands largely focus on me performing oral.  I feel like I am giving him entirely too much oral (50-60% of the sexual experience giving him oral (sometimes more!), 30-40% anal, 10% everything else).  When I realized it would be like this every time, I addressed this with him and he disagrees, he does not think he commands too much oral, and he says I am infringing upon the dynamic asking him to change.... this greatly concerns me, and honestly angers me. After a long talk he says he will make some adjustments, but I have a strong feeling oral will still be the center focus. He believes the dynamic requires 65% (him) to 35% (me) ratio of sexual focus/pleasure (although he admits that it has not been that ratio). And honestly, I want him to be happy, and if that's what he wants maybe he should find a girl to give it to him, right?  ***it should be noted that I often want to give him oral pleasure, just not to the extent he demands. And I am now finding myself resenting him for demanding it so extensively**

My anger and resistance make me wonder if I am not submissive, but rather just prefer kinky sex with a dominant personality... (is there a difference?) How can I tell if I am submissive (I've taken quizzes that say I am)?  I'm not sure how to tell if I just have a bad dom or if I'm not into this world as much as my body seems to want it. If I was truly submissive wouldn't I always be satisfied simply pleasing him? But doesn't he also have to take care of me (emotionally and physically), isn't that also part of the dynamic? Is he right, am I overstepping my submissive role by requesting more pleasure (focus on me)? Or, is he abusing me, or rather, being a bad dom? 

I feel like I've mentioned only the negative qualities of him. I genuinely like him as a person, and also enjoy his personality outside of the bedroom. At times I feel extreme arousal, more arousal than I have ever felt, and true desire to be submissive, but I also feel extreme anger at times and resistance.  I'm not sure if what he is asking for is completely normal for a D/s relationship and I am wrong for challenging it.  I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles but can't find an answer for this concern.  

Any advice is greatly appreciated! 



My reply was,

Thank you Blackpurse

Being new to such a world where there is so much at stake and emotions, feelings and thoughts are so heightened is a difficult time for anyone. Do browse through some of the Uncle Agony questions - and also the topics on A Kind Dom. There is much kind concern and thoughtful help from people in the community for those who are new to it and struggling.

Having said that - there is no need to feel one is entering a club with certain membership rules. Basically you have started a new relationship and should treat it the same as any other relationship. Ultimately it is whether it is working out for you. Does it have the potential to fulfil you, to meet your needs, to make you happy? It is not about rules and assignments and commands. It is about you. There is no perfect bdsm scenario. No right way. No wrong way. Do what works right for you both and work out together what is right for you both.

You write, "... it's difficult for me to discuss it with him." BDSM relationships are built on good communications. It is essential to be able to discuss hopes and fears, wants and desires, struggles and limits. Without good communications leading to trust, respect and commitment any such relationship can be dangerous.

I feel that BDSM and D/s are built on a good relationship. Yes, they can strengthen such relationships, make them stronger and more intense but there needs to be a ground rock of care and respect to enable this potential.

I worry, and I know regular readers of my blogs would be too, that with both of you being new to this world there is lots of potential for harm and things going wrong. He sounds as if he is trying hard to be a Dominant while still searching for that role within himself. He fears to listen to your own fears lest that appear a weakness. To be a strong Dominant one needs to know the needs of their submissive, be able to show care and respect for them and to have the skills and knowledge to ensure they are always safe. That is the least a submissive should expect. A submissive too has responsibilities. They need to be strong. Strong to be able to cope with demands that are challenging and stretch their preconceived notions. However they need too to be strong enough to know when it is not working, to be able to communicate this and yes, sometimes, to be able to walk away.

I think it is very early days yet - and you should be able to both have fun exploring the possibilities of your roles and relationship.

If it is kept "mainly in the bedroom for now" then that gives lots of time outside of the bedroom to discuss, plan and make sure it can work for both of you.

You like him, enjoy his personality, have become extremely aroused. So there is lots of potential to make it work well. However if you are so often getting angry then things are not right - and if he has not picked up on that then it is a concern. These are very early days. I am sure it can be made to work if you both have a commitment to it. I hope his commitment is as strong as yours.

Good luck Blackpurse. I truly hope it works out for you.

Very best wishes


There are always difficulties in a new relationship. New BDSM relationships are no exception to that. However where both are new to BDSM as well then there is possibly potential for further difficulties and, as Blackpurse said in her header, "abuse". Do readers have any constructive advice they can give her?

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Is it time to release her... ?

Graham has written a few times about his relationship. You can read earlier discussions here, here and here.

I have just heard from him again. He writes,

Thought I would provide an update and could use yours and your readers thoughts

My girl still feeling terrible guilt over our relationship. She loves me deeply, but feels she is being dishonest, deceitful and selfish in regards to her husband and children who are not aware of our relationship.

Since we live close enough, I have wanted to be with her; but her fear of being discovered continues to hold her back and actually limits what we can do if and when we get together.

I am very physical, and it's that aspect that causes her the most problem. She has told me if we eliminated the physical aspect (in real time) she can deal with her feelings in good conscience.

That just doesn't work for me. I want and need a complete relationship which includes some physicality.

We care deeply for each other, love each other unlike any others. I hate to see the stress and trauma she feels from her guilt, deceit, dishonest.

She knows she can't get from her husband what I give her, but she can't handle the guilt the relationship brings.

I love and want this girl very much, she is my one.....but I'm thinking if I truly act in her best interests, if I care, I should offer or in fact let her go....release her.

We have been thru so much....but this is impacting her...and I hate to be the cause of her stress.

Your thoughts?
My thoughts? Well I think Graham has worked it out for himself when he writes,
I love and want this girl very much, she is my one.....but I'm thinking if I truly act in her best interests, if I care, I should offer or in fact let her go....release her.

We have been thru so much....but this is impacting her...and I hate to be the cause of her stress.
So yes, if he truly does want to "act in her best interests, if I care," then should he "offer or in fact let her go....release her."

So I wonder what readers think. Is this the inevitable end? Should Graham release her?

Thursday, April 14, 2016

so lost

I have received this email from Janet. She feels so very lost. Can you help her find her way forward?

I've been trying to talk to friends and Samaritans about what I did, but it's just not helping.

I've been trying to talk to my boyfriend ( of about 6 years) that I want to explore polyamory. It's been tricky but we were getting somewhere, slowly but surely. I've also developed an intense attraction to a man who is currently in another country, I think it's part of what prompted me to talk more about polyamory. I've had these feelings for years long before I even met my boyfriend but tried to ignore them.

I caved I was on a night out for the first time in a long and I got a little drunk and kissed two of my female friends. While this happened I was sending very flirtatious messages to the other man. A few days later even though my boyfriend forgave me for kissing my friends I couldn't help it, for weeks it had been building up and I had text sex with the other man... Text sex hasn't done much for me in years but this did! It really did and in the middle of things I called him Master.

My boyfriend found out, even though I deleted the conversations. He's been very depressed ever since. I've tried explaining to him that I don't love him any less, that there is nothing he's not doing for me. I can't bring myself to say "He appeals to a side of me you just cant understand." 
We've agreed to go to counseling and he's finally calming down so I can try and tell him how I feel. Although I'm not sure what good it will do because he's admitted he would never have be willing to let me explore my sexuality at all with another man, only a woman. But how, how the hell do I explain why I'm upset he wont let me talk to him anymore? I love my boyfriend but I feel like I'm in pain without Master.

I feel so guilty for what I've done and I want to mend my relationship, but there are times I can't be around my boyfriend. I feel trapped and restrained. I know this is an awful, awful thing to say... But I resent him for it.

I also have no idea how to tell him that when I slept with him after the text sex but before he found out that it wasn't out of guilt. I felt alive! But when he touches me now there are times I just can't...

Any and all help appreciated.

My reply was:

You do sound as if you are finding a resolution to your current dilemmas very hard. You love your boyfriend but you know there are other aspects to your personality that you are not developing and expressing. You are unfulfilled and you can see a future that is not going to work for you. It is making you feel guilty, trapped and resentful. These are very difficult decisions. In the end they are decisions that only you can make. However even finding the words to write about the issues can sometimes help get them straight in your own mind. I hope that the very act of writing has been helpful. 

The key issue is that you have desires and needs that your boyfriend cannot or does not wish to meet. You need a polyamorous relationship yet he feels very threatened by that. I am sure many men would feel the same when a beautiful girlfriend expressed a need to have sex with other men. To be able to reassure him you will need to try to understand what his feelings and fears are. He may be very confused and frightened of losing you. The fact that you have gone to relationship therapy together to try to resolve it shows a commitment and willingness to understand the other on the part of both of you which is very positive.

I hope you do find a way of resolving these issues but it may be very difficult. I know a number of women who are in marriages and long term relationships where they have submissive needs that are not being met by their husband. Some of them put up with the situation. Others develop a secret life. Whichever they chose they are all unhappy in varying degrees. You will find some questions from women in this situation on Uncle Agony I think. So my worry is that if you do not resolve this situation with your boyfriend now and try to be faithful to him then in the longer term you too may experience this long term unhappiness.

There seem to be two issues. One is the polyamory and the other seems to be a bdsm aspect. You have called your new man "Master" so I am assuming that you are also exploring submissive or bdsm experiences with him. There are two aspects here that have a desire for and have not yet had the opportunity to explore and experience fully. It may only be that through a fuller exploration you will discover what your true needs are. The problem then is trying to find someone to fulfill them. That could be your boyfriend if he is prepared to go on this journey with you. At the moment though he seems frightened by it and frightened of losing you. Though if he is not prepared to go at least half way then he may lose you anyway.

First of all the polyamory issue. I wonder if you are looking for polyamorous relationships or polysexual ones? There is a big difference. I discussed this on the A Kind Dom blog here:

Are you truly looking for a relationship of several people with a close emotional bond or are you looking for a wider variety of sexual encounters? The latter might be closer to "swinging". Is it partly that you would like to explore further your burgeoning bisexuality? Your boyfriend seems happier about you having relationships with other women. Might that be a place to start? If you found a broadminded female friend perhaps your boyfriend might be interested in joining your relationship. If the polyamory or polysexuality started in this way then perhaps your boyfriend might become happier about you also meeting with men if he was reassured about the context and a lack of threat to your own relationship. We men are very fragile creatures emotionally despite our hard outer shell! He may need lots of reassurance.

There have been a number of other discussions on A Kind Dom about plolyamory some of which link to articles. You may find them useful reading. They are here:

Then what about your desire for a "Master".Does your relationship with your boyfriend have a D/s aspect? Is a search for this partly why you want relationships with another man? How strong are your submissive feelings (if any). Is it rather that you have an eagerness for more kinky or experimental sex? Can your boyfriend meet any of these needs or is part of the need for it to be with someone else? Is there any "cuckolding" aspect of this where you gain power over your boyfriend through having sex with others?

There is no judgement intended in any of the above. I am asking questions in the hope that in thinking through the answers it might give you a clearer view of exactly what you want and the extent to which your boyfriend can be encouraged to be part of this. If it works well it could enhance your relationship into something so much more. However I am sure you are aware that the other possibility is that it could herald the end of your relationship.

You have some very hard if not almost impossible decisions.

Good luck with them.
Can you help reader? Is there a way that Janet can work through this with her boyfriend or does she need a new start to explore her desires and develop her personality?

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Graham's update

Graham wrote to Uncle Agony with a relationship here. He wrote in again with an update here. In summary his partner is married and her guilt and fears of getting caught have resulted in a number of strategies including an online relationship.

The relationship seemed to have developed in very positive ways as Graham describes below. However Graham is finding it difficult to know how to cope with his partner's feelings of guilt.
Thought I would provide an update and ask you and your readers for some thoughts

Since last September we have been very committed to our relationship and our love has grown.

We took a vacation together where we experienced all the physical experiences we have been wanting and needing......

But there is one aspect that nags at us....and that is why I'm writing

At times as you know our relationship seems like a roller coaster ride.

This comes from her deep need regarding her submission....and the guilt she feels from being married ( our relationship is secret) and her desire not to hurt her family and friends if she (we) are discovered.

At times she says she can't look at herself in the mirror - over the "fraud" she is committing. .....and then feels inclined to back off.

This of course is the opposite where I would like things to go, but her fear about being in public, doing touching in a car, even getting a hotel room, has little appeal for her. I'm ok anyway I can to be together.....and would like more.

I suggested we lease an apartment, or buy a condo or motor home.....and while initially she thought that was a good thing......the guilt overwhelmed her and she doesn't want to talk about .

She has been married over 30 years with wonderful children and good friends and she doesn't want to hurt anyone.....but she says I am the only one who can give her all that she needs and wants. We do love eachother very much.

I want to care and support her everyday I can.....but when these guilt feelings come over her....I'm not sure what I can do to help.

Any thoughts?

I replied,
I know of many women whose husband could not or would not meet their submissive needs who have taken on clandestine relationships purely to meet that need. However they continue to love their family and husband. That is what causes the guilt.

You say she loves you and of course in a way she does because you meet her needs and have a close and intimate relationship and enjoy spending time together. However she has another life that she does not want to give up and knows she is in danger of causing severe hurt and distress to people she loves who have done nothing to deserve it.

If you want to help her then you need to try to understand her and recognise that this is not a rejection of you but a natural response to the necessary secrecy of her life with you and what she may see as a betrayal of those closest to her. If you truly wish her to be fulfilled then you need to work with her to try to address and resolve those issues. I worry you may just want the issues to disappear so you can each enjoy what you have together. I don't think though that it is going to disappear and there is little you can do that will help that happen. What you can do is to recognise her distress, understand it and try to help her find her own way of coming to terms with it.

Does that make any sense?
So readers, what do you think? What should Graham do?