Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Sticking point

Mary emailed me again recently. Things seem to be going very well for her but she has a problem. I'll let her explain:
I have a question that you and perhaps some of your regular correspondents might be able to help with.

There is no delicate way of saying this… but…. I really cannot stand the thought of my Dom coming in my mouth. Last time I wrote a limits list, that was a soft limit. He quite often said that he would come down my throat instead, and that he would push this as a limit.

Since we’ve been taking this particular thing slowly, as I’m still learning, it hasn’t happened yet, and to be honest, I hoped it wouldn’t.

I hurriedly messaged a few things yesterday as a new list, and as a consequence, didn’t really think about where I was putting them. Both of the above things went under hard limits.

This has caused problems….
I had a message asking me if I understood how rejected a man feels when his lover won’t swallow his come. I said I didn’t understand, no. I then explained that it is something I have never done as I just have a thing about it. In truth, I find it revolting. I don’t like the taste or the texture of semen ( it happened once, accidentally, and I didn’t enjoy it at all), and it took me a great many years to get used to giving a man oral sex, as it was something I didn’t feel comfortable with at all.

He has been incredibly hurt and rejected by this, and he didn’t realise that I felt so strongly about it. I in turn have found it difficult to understand why its such a big deal. I explained that I absolutely was not rejecting him, but the fact that I was clumsy with my list means that he now has no limits he can push, and the fact that it was a soft limit in the first place didn’t sit easily with him.

We have talked and things are better, but I know we will have to deal with this at some point.

Has any one else had this issue? How did they deal with it? Is there anything I can do to make the idea more…er…palatable?! He suggested using condoms as a compromise but I intensely dislike the feel and taste of them too.
So…where to go?

Any ideas?
Here were my suggestions:
Many men like to come in their partner's mouth. I suppose also that in a D/s context it can have elements of control and humiliation depending on how it is done. Though equally it can also be part of a sensual and loving activity. I wonder what aspect of it is it that you find particularly revolting. You describe the feeling of the taste and texture but I wonder if that is the real issue? That would be possible surely to get over - having something that tastes unpleasant or has a strange texture in one's mouth is certainly not nice - but is it really so revolting? And if it has only happened once - then might it not be something you could get used to? I have heard that if the man is thoughtful about what he eats and drinks beforehand that can have an effect on taste. For instance drinking pineapple juice is supposed to make the semen taste sweeter though I do not know how effective that is. Also the taste buds tend to be towards the front of the mouth so taking the semen deeper in your mouth or directly into your throat can be more acceptable - that way the texture may also be less noticeable.

You say that it took you a great many years to get used to giving a man oral sex, as it was something you didn’t feel comfortable with at all. I wonder then if your fear of a man coming in your mouth is part of a deeper set psychological issue rather than just a matter of taste and texture. If that is the case then working on it very slowly might help you with it. My suggestion if he is prepared to go along with it is that for the moment he agrees that he will not come in your mouth and there will need to be trust from you that he will stick to the agreement and will ensure it does not happen. He will need to realise that if he breaks the agreement, even inadvertently, that this could make the situation even worse. Perhaps then you could have daily sessions where you please his cock with your hands and his mouth learning different ways of giving him pleasure. You can explore different ways of kissing, licking, sucking, stroking, blowing on his cock to give him as much pleasure as possible. Could that not be seen as part of your role as a sub to give him as much sensual sexual pleasure as possible. In this way you might find that you can enjoy oral sex as part of your service, knowing he will not come in your mouth. It will be helpful too if he is very careful about personal hygiene during this time so that you know his cock will be scrupulously clean.

If you come to a point where you see this as a part of your role in pleasing him and your getting over your discomfort as part of your submission then you will have made a big step forward. If you do manage to get to that point perhaps you could then consider having him come in your mouth as the natural culmination of such a pleasure giving session. If that works then it could perhaps be a very occasional event rather than a regular and often one helping you to accept it as part of your submission.

If he really does want to help you get past a hard limit then getting cross or upset with you will not help. He needs to be understanding and thoughtful of your fears and needs in moving forward on this. I am sure he would also want to give you a very special reward for being such a good girl if you do manage to get past your fears.

I do have another suggestion. Inès very much dislikes me coming in her mouth. She too finds it disgusting. However because of this she finds it a very powerfully submissive activity and in another sense loves it for that. We do not do it in the way I have described to you above. Instead when we are having sex I will occasionally move my position and put my cock into her mouth as I am about to come so that she has little warning of it. That is the only way it works for her. If she has foreknowledge of it then the anticipation of it makes it impossible for her. The surprise is what works! I wonder if that might also work for you? Inès tells me that she has never done it in the past with other partners and could not do it with anyone else but loves it with me because of how submissive it makes her feel.

I hope some of these thoughts are helpful. I hope too that you can find a way to make it work for you both. Do talk about it together and don't be bullied - that is very different from being dominated. As your Master he has to be aware of and considerate of your own needs and fears.
Have any readers had this problem? If so how have you got over it? Any suggestions? Have any Doms experience of helping their subs get over such an issue?