Tuesday, March 19, 2013

taking the lead

J had been reading an earlier post on Uncle Agony, "brand spanking new to the D/s world". Reading it stimulated him to write an email of his own to Uncle Agony.
About two months ago my wife suggested she wanted me to "take the lead" in our sex life.  For the entirety of our marriage she's clearly been the stronger personality and the driving force in many areas of our family and our household and for the last several years I've complained about the frequency, or lack thereof that we are intimate together.

By nature she is not a submissive person and when we started this she told me that she would likely push back.  While she has not explicitly admitted to me that she is testing me I do feel like she tests me to see if I'm willing, and able to actual take the control from her when she is unwilling to release it.  There have been times I've attempted to seduce her into the bedroom but these have ended badly, and now I wonder if she wants to be taken and ravished, not seduced.

I briefly suggested she try to find ways to tap into her submissive side but she's reluctant to do so and instead suggested I find ways to have the confidence to take control and establish myself in the dominant role.  What I inferred from this is that since submission is not a natural trait then the specific aspect that is arousing to her is the act of being made to submit, despite any resistance she may exhibit (similar to the comments by wild cat and how she wants to be tamed, regardless of the growl).

My wife does not like the theatrics of bondage or restraint.  Instead what she's looking for is that carnal desire that is so strong it cannot be stopped (the caveman, or Bedroom Bull depending on what other blogs you read).  She wants me to take control of the When, and not focus on the What that may occur.  Once I've established my role, and put her in her place, then we can potentially move onto other components of a D/s relationship.  

Due to external life circumstances we're in a bit of a holding pattern until we can progress this further, but I'm hopeful that the next opportunity will end different and result in a step forward rather than two steps back.

Any advice you or your readers can offer would be helpful and welcome.
I responded with the following thoughts.
Putting together some of the parts of your email where you describe clearly what your wife has intimated does lead one to the conclusion that she may indeed want you to play the "caveman" role. She suggested you "take the lead" in your sex life. She seems not to like to be gently seduced. She has suggested that you "find ways to have the confidence to take control and establish myself in the dominant role."

You have also made some inferences but not made clear how strong is the evidence for them. For instance you say she is "looking for ... that carnal desire that is so strong it cannot be stopped" and that she "wants me to take control of the When, and not focus on the What that may occur." How sure are you of this. How explicit has she been?

The difficulty here seems to be communication. I think if you truly know that you have permission to completely take control and initiate sex at your direction, expecting her to comply and not taking "no" for an answer then it is up to you to make a move. However - and it is a big "however" - how do you know that you really have permission? You need to be very clear about the level of consent from your wife to any forceful acts from yourself otherwise you are heading for deep trouble. The problem is that your wife may find that even having that discussion and giving her consent puts your wife in the situation of feeling she is still in control when she really wants you to take control.

I think you have two courses. The first is to try to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about this to ensure there are no misunderstandings. You could even agree that "no" does not mean "no" but have a safe word which you would always respect.

The only alternative that I can suggest is to start to try to take control over the initiation of sex in small steps, being increasingly more assertive and see how things develop. It might be that this gradual approach pays dividends in the long run.

Like you though I would love to hear others' views of this - both women and men.
So what do you think readers? Perhaps you may have some different advice.