Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Dom Question

I have received my first "Uncle Agony" letter from a Dom. It is a fascinating email about the beginnings of a D\s relationship. I think it could work out very well but I know he is very keen to receive support, ideas and advice from readers. I will add a few comments of my own at the end but first the letter ...

They told me in school there are no such things as Dom questions, but here goes.

I am a male, newly interested in learning more about a D/s lifestyle. I am not into heavy BDSM, but do like to spank my wife.

My wife is a contradiction in terms. She is very self sufficient, has her own money and properties, and knows how to do many things that I don't know how to do. On the other hand, whenever we make decisions about anything, she always says, "If that's what you want," or "whatever you want." She obviously has a strong tendency to want to please.

I have never taken advantage of that tendency, and have always been, throughout my life and throughout our brief (two year) marriage, a pleasant "whatever" kind of guy. Except when I spank her.

Anyway, lately I have been attuned to her saying "whatever you want"s, and she says them a lot. So last week I started to take advantage, for the first time, of my natural dominant tendencies. I did two things. One, I told her I wanted her to obey my every command in bed for one half hour. When she touched me without permission, I spanked her hard. Usually my spankings are playful, but this time I made it hurt. I told her what to do, "lick my cock," etc. She liked it. After about a half hour of mild commands, we had great sex. This morning, I told her I wanted to be in control like that again some time, and asked if she liked it. She told me "as long as you like it."

Second, I told her last week to turn her cell phone off whenever we have lunch together. Before I never told her what to do, I would alwys ask if it is ok. This time I just told her. Last night when her phone rang during our dinner together she apologized. I did not spank her or anything, instead I just told her again why it was important to our relationship to turn her phone off, and she agreed.

Ok, so baby steps. But I can tell she has some of the makings of a good submissive, although, for example, it will be a while (if ever) before I could convince her to turn her finances and her decision making over to me.

I have actually planned a few more steps. Every month I intend to add a new command, for example, that she greet me when I come home in the evening (she does not work, thankfully). I also have a list of things I want her to start doing sexually with me that will also slowly develop. For example, anal sex, which she does not enjoy and which she has let me do only twice in two years. Things like that. I can work on one a month, I have the self control to do that.

I have not specifically discussed the issue of control with her yet. If I told her I wanted to control everything, she would laugh. But on the other hand, she tends to like it when I just step up to the plate. It makes me feel very good to be in control, it is a new feeling for me, though I have always been very self assertive in other realms, so I have the natural leader in me. It's just that in my house, mom definitely wore the pants.

It felt good to take these baby steps. I am just curious about your thoughts on this situation, whether I am headed in the right direction, and any advice your readers might have!

Dom Tom

. . . . .

Thanks Tom

As I wrote earlier I have a positive feeling about this. The fact that you are taking things very slowly and just introducing one thing at a time seems a a very good approach. There may be some things that do not work - then you might backtrack on those but keep up with the overall strategy.

There are many people who are self-confident and in control in their day to day life who actually love the opportunity to be able to put that responsibility to one side, to have another take control and and be the responsible one. It is almost like a break from that other personality, a rest and something they gain pleasure and growth from. It sounds as if your wife is that kind of person ... and that she may enjoy slowly exploring and developing that submissive side of her nature.

One thing I am unsure of is when would be the best time to begin to discuss these issues. For the moment I think your strategy of saying little about what you are doing but watching carefully her response to your new controls is the right one. But if things do continue to develop well then perhaps there will come a time when it would be good to bring it all out into the open and be honest with each other about your needs and desires. At the moment it may be too early as she is only just discovering them from your gentle and careful introduction.

I know subs who have tried to help their partners develop their Dom side and who have written of this. Your parallel journey is very interesting. I do hope that in the future you will tell us all how it went.

But good luck Tom. I think this has huge potential to turn out very positively for both of you. I do hope so.

I hope some subs too may comment as they will have perhaps better understanding of your wife's position from their own awakenings.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Guilt about my submissive feelings

Good evening Master Pygar:

Ive met someone online too, we've been chatting almost a year next month; he's older than me by 7 years.

He's been after me to submit but being the 'good catholic gal' that I am, Im not so sure that I want to delve into the state called submissiveness. I do want to meet him, but as he said only on his terms - which are sexual. I first delved into BDSM [spring of 2001[ on the msn online channel and purchased The Loving Dominant; Why is my friend so kinky; Erotic Surrender. A lot of erotica which ive read online and also purchased has something to be desired; some is good; some just down right raunchy.

I have so many inhibitions, hangups I call them. And if I can work my way through these hangups , then I will not fear meeting my Lord and Master. Maybe you have some tips to help me overcome these feelings?

Look forward to your response.


Thank you for writing Christina. Often guilt is said to be built in to a Catholic upbringing. However I have met some very sexually voracious Catholic women - perhaps it is the excitement of breaking free from the guilt!

It sounds as if you want to become more free and explore your sexuality yet your guilt is making this difficult ... causing the hangups you describe. I think that to get over your hangups successfully, and not create even more, you need an understanding and loving partner. I'm not sure that if he is only prepared to meet on his terms then he is necessarily that person - but only you can decide if that is the case.

I do not have much personal experience of coming to terms with guilt.

I wonder if other readers have personal experiences to share that might help?

Good luck