Thursday, October 7, 2010

I may be submissive ...

I have several questions, but I'll just ask one for right now. I'm 33 and finally come to the realization that I (may) be submissive. I have a tendency to date controlling men...I like a guy to be in control and make most of the decisions, but I don't want a controlling guy, a guy who will tell me I can't see my friends, for example. Does this make sense? I don't want to sound stupid. I like having my freedom, but I do always have this urge to please others. In the bedroom, however, I realize I like to be completely dominated.

I think like a lot of women, I want a guy who's self-confident and self-assured, but not necessarily a controlling, cocky asshole who treats me like crap. But if I were to try to find a Dom, will my age turn off most Dom's? I wish I had realized this in my early twenties, but I'm assuming most Dom's (like most men in general) prefer younger women. Would me being 33 make it harder for my first time Dom?

Thank you sincerely:)


Thank you t.

what you said made perfect sense and you certainly do not sound at all stupid. There are many who have controlling desires in some circumstances and a desire to be controlled in others. In particular the difference can be between in the bedroom and in the rest of one's life.

Yes of course you want your freedom - but one can gain freedom at times through letting go and giving someone else the control. It may seem a contradiction but it is one that many are happy to embrace.

Indeed it is important to be clear about the kind of control you want. I think one should be very wary of a dominant who wanted for instance to control who you had as friends. I think that could be quite dangerous and damaging.

There are many for whom submission is just something in the bedroom. However you may find that if you start to get on well with a dominant in the bedroom then "the bedroom" can extend into activities in the real world. It is all about trust and consent and desire.

Yes of course you want a self-confident and self-assured Dom and certainly not one who treats you like crap! That would not be a true Dom in my mind.

Forgive me if I was a bit amused at you worrying about your age! I was very close to a beautiful sub who is two years older than you. At my advance years I was worried about the age difference. To me she was a much younger woman but the age difference did not matter to her as she preferred the maturity and experience of older men. She is very much in demand because of her beauty, her sexuality and her delight in submission - though she too can be very confident and in charge in different situations.

So I do promise you that you are not too old.

I think there are other issues about finding your first time Dom. There are many pretend Doms out there and it can be difficult. But I have perhaps written enough for now and hope that others may offer better advice in the comments.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Conjecture about craving spanking

A has written to me asking about spanking and depression. I have written about depression and submission before here. But A's letter is more specific and directly related in particular to spanking.

Dear Dom,

I first became interested in spanking when unhappily married and resentful of my wife's actions. fantasies at that time were always of spanking her. Later an online friend introduced me to the idea of receiving spankings. Years later I eventually acted on some of these fantasies and have been spanked by woman friends on a number of occasions, and have fantasized about them far more often.

Now I am facing a possible need for anti-depressants and wonder if the desire to be spanked is related to the depression. Depression being anger turned inwards, and possibly thus craving the severe sting of the mistress' paddle and cane on my backside. I am wondering if the craving will dissipate when I am on antidepressant medication. I also wonder if the extra-marital spankings were a way of sexual acting out that is safer than a full blown sexual affair.

Any thoughts about these questions?

best wishes


My response to A was:

I have found that many female sub friends suffer from severe depression and I have often wondered what the relationship may be between submission and depression.

Yes - you may be right about trying to avoid a full blown affair - only you can know that. But thee is the danger it could develop into an affair - and possibly very intense as BDSM relationships tend to have that additional intensity. So if that is likely to be a problem for you, beware!

I wonder though what my readers think? Is A's desire to be spanked related to his depression? Will it be dissipated if his depression is alleviated or cured? Have others had similar experiences?