Thursday, October 7, 2010

I may be submissive ...

I have several questions, but I'll just ask one for right now. I'm 33 and finally come to the realization that I (may) be submissive. I have a tendency to date controlling men...I like a guy to be in control and make most of the decisions, but I don't want a controlling guy, a guy who will tell me I can't see my friends, for example. Does this make sense? I don't want to sound stupid. I like having my freedom, but I do always have this urge to please others. In the bedroom, however, I realize I like to be completely dominated.

I think like a lot of women, I want a guy who's self-confident and self-assured, but not necessarily a controlling, cocky asshole who treats me like crap. But if I were to try to find a Dom, will my age turn off most Dom's? I wish I had realized this in my early twenties, but I'm assuming most Dom's (like most men in general) prefer younger women. Would me being 33 make it harder for my first time Dom?

Thank you sincerely:)


Thank you t.

what you said made perfect sense and you certainly do not sound at all stupid. There are many who have controlling desires in some circumstances and a desire to be controlled in others. In particular the difference can be between in the bedroom and in the rest of one's life.

Yes of course you want your freedom - but one can gain freedom at times through letting go and giving someone else the control. It may seem a contradiction but it is one that many are happy to embrace.

Indeed it is important to be clear about the kind of control you want. I think one should be very wary of a dominant who wanted for instance to control who you had as friends. I think that could be quite dangerous and damaging.

There are many for whom submission is just something in the bedroom. However you may find that if you start to get on well with a dominant in the bedroom then "the bedroom" can extend into activities in the real world. It is all about trust and consent and desire.

Yes of course you want a self-confident and self-assured Dom and certainly not one who treats you like crap! That would not be a true Dom in my mind.

Forgive me if I was a bit amused at you worrying about your age! I was very close to a beautiful sub who is two years older than you. At my advance years I was worried about the age difference. To me she was a much younger woman but the age difference did not matter to her as she preferred the maturity and experience of older men. She is very much in demand because of her beauty, her sexuality and her delight in submission - though she too can be very confident and in charge in different situations.

So I do promise you that you are not too old.

I think there are other issues about finding your first time Dom. There are many pretend Doms out there and it can be difficult. But I have perhaps written enough for now and hope that others may offer better advice in the comments.


  1. Only 33? Perhaps she is not old enough yet? As Uncle A says, or implies, I think the discovery or submissiveness comes to many more women in their 30s than it does in the 20s.

    I am sure the playfulness of the 20s is a great time to make that discovery, but in their 30s people are much more self aware and able to make smarter more informed decisions.

  2. Not too old at all.

    I would say if you look for a "self-confident and self-assured, but not necessarily a controlling" dominant man for the purposes of "relationship" you'll get the trust that you need and reduce the chance of being treated like crap. The drawback is that it takes time.

  3. I can only echo, not too old at all.

    And in the post where you said..
    "Yes of course you want your freedom - but one can gain freedom at times through letting go and giving someone else the control. It may seem a contradiction but it is one that many are happy to embrace."

    That is so true - that is how it worked for me!

    Wonderful advice as always.

  4. 33 is not too old. You actually know what you want, like and desire. Not many people in their 20's do and you have a good head start with this knowledge. I have found in my experience a lot of Doms will not care about your age. Most are looking for compatibility and the desire in you to explore or share this part of you with them.

    Always follow your instincts, keep your common sense about and you'll be fine. Good luck!

  5. Thank you all for your comments and good advice so far.

    I know from t that she has valued your thoughts.

    The recognition from all that these feelings come to us as we get older and develop is very interesting.

    - P


Please ensure that all comments are helpful and supportive. Deliberately hurtful or abusive comments will be deleted.