Thursday, November 17, 2016

"Is my Dom abusing me"

I seem to have been discussing that a lot recently on A Kind Dom so it was interesting to receive an email recently from someone describing herself as a "New Sub" which had that title. She and her partner are both new to the world of BDSM and are in a new relationship. That brings about lots of very understandable fears.

Enough though of my preamble. Hear what she had to say,


I am extremely lost and confused and have no where to turn, please help.

I am brand new to the D/S world and found myself in a D/s relationship by accident. We have been together for about 2 months now, and everything is still very new.  He was very open from the start about his desires, and I found myself very interested (surprisingly so). We agreed to keep it mainly in the bedroom for now. He admits that he is also very new to this, and has had only some short D/s experiences.  However, since he admits to being new I find myself not trusting his commands a lot of the time, which (of course) creates a problem.  I also find myself resisting (very strongly resisting) certain tasks.  For instance, he often commands that I do "assignments" like cook him dinner, plan a date, or think of ways I can sexually please him more and demonstrate at our next meeting (seemingly normal commands).  I have since done all of those things(and enjoyed doing them), but not when he has commanded.  When he commanded them (these were all over the phone) I instantly felt this strong resistance and anger. In the vanilla world I have a dominant personality, and as such, these things seem to be against my very nature. Also, I think my resistance stems from the fact that even when I do "extra" things to please him I do not feel these are being acknowledged, or at least not enough/in the right way.  For instance, I have been exercising 5 days a week to try to enlarge my behind, and as such I am often very sore. However, he doesn't adjust the positions for my soreness and seems to have the attitude that I should "suck it up." This really angers me as I am doing this for him (partially of course) and he can't even make small adjustments for me? I almost feel as if nothing will ever be enough, although to his credit he does acknowledge and say that he liked "x", and that I'm a "good girl".  However, often he demonstrates how pleased he is by demanding I perform oral on him (discussed below), or doing something else that gives HIM sexual pleasure. This is not how I would like him to express that I have done a good job, or at least not all the time. I'm not sure how he could improve on making me feel appreciated (he says allowing me to give him pleasure is my treat--which I agree to a limited extent) and as such it's difficult for me to discuss it with him. 

Also, sexually I feel like it is very one-sided.  He is very into anal, and I am an anal virgin.  I agreed to try, and he has been very warm and patient, but it has been large focus.  As of yet I have derived only slight pleasure (more so discomfort) from this anal journey, and would prefer to stop or cut down significantly, but continue as it makes him happy.  Additionally, his commands largely focus on me performing oral.  I feel like I am giving him entirely too much oral (50-60% of the sexual experience giving him oral (sometimes more!), 30-40% anal, 10% everything else).  When I realized it would be like this every time, I addressed this with him and he disagrees, he does not think he commands too much oral, and he says I am infringing upon the dynamic asking him to change.... this greatly concerns me, and honestly angers me. After a long talk he says he will make some adjustments, but I have a strong feeling oral will still be the center focus. He believes the dynamic requires 65% (him) to 35% (me) ratio of sexual focus/pleasure (although he admits that it has not been that ratio). And honestly, I want him to be happy, and if that's what he wants maybe he should find a girl to give it to him, right?  ***it should be noted that I often want to give him oral pleasure, just not to the extent he demands. And I am now finding myself resenting him for demanding it so extensively**

My anger and resistance make me wonder if I am not submissive, but rather just prefer kinky sex with a dominant personality... (is there a difference?) How can I tell if I am submissive (I've taken quizzes that say I am)?  I'm not sure how to tell if I just have a bad dom or if I'm not into this world as much as my body seems to want it. If I was truly submissive wouldn't I always be satisfied simply pleasing him? But doesn't he also have to take care of me (emotionally and physically), isn't that also part of the dynamic? Is he right, am I overstepping my submissive role by requesting more pleasure (focus on me)? Or, is he abusing me, or rather, being a bad dom? 

I feel like I've mentioned only the negative qualities of him. I genuinely like him as a person, and also enjoy his personality outside of the bedroom. At times I feel extreme arousal, more arousal than I have ever felt, and true desire to be submissive, but I also feel extreme anger at times and resistance.  I'm not sure if what he is asking for is completely normal for a D/s relationship and I am wrong for challenging it.  I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles but can't find an answer for this concern.  

Any advice is greatly appreciated! 



My reply was,

Thank you Blackpurse

Being new to such a world where there is so much at stake and emotions, feelings and thoughts are so heightened is a difficult time for anyone. Do browse through some of the Uncle Agony questions - and also the topics on A Kind Dom. There is much kind concern and thoughtful help from people in the community for those who are new to it and struggling.

Having said that - there is no need to feel one is entering a club with certain membership rules. Basically you have started a new relationship and should treat it the same as any other relationship. Ultimately it is whether it is working out for you. Does it have the potential to fulfil you, to meet your needs, to make you happy? It is not about rules and assignments and commands. It is about you. There is no perfect bdsm scenario. No right way. No wrong way. Do what works right for you both and work out together what is right for you both.

You write, "... it's difficult for me to discuss it with him." BDSM relationships are built on good communications. It is essential to be able to discuss hopes and fears, wants and desires, struggles and limits. Without good communications leading to trust, respect and commitment any such relationship can be dangerous.

I feel that BDSM and D/s are built on a good relationship. Yes, they can strengthen such relationships, make them stronger and more intense but there needs to be a ground rock of care and respect to enable this potential.

I worry, and I know regular readers of my blogs would be too, that with both of you being new to this world there is lots of potential for harm and things going wrong. He sounds as if he is trying hard to be a Dominant while still searching for that role within himself. He fears to listen to your own fears lest that appear a weakness. To be a strong Dominant one needs to know the needs of their submissive, be able to show care and respect for them and to have the skills and knowledge to ensure they are always safe. That is the least a submissive should expect. A submissive too has responsibilities. They need to be strong. Strong to be able to cope with demands that are challenging and stretch their preconceived notions. However they need too to be strong enough to know when it is not working, to be able to communicate this and yes, sometimes, to be able to walk away.

I think it is very early days yet - and you should be able to both have fun exploring the possibilities of your roles and relationship.

If it is kept "mainly in the bedroom for now" then that gives lots of time outside of the bedroom to discuss, plan and make sure it can work for both of you.

You like him, enjoy his personality, have become extremely aroused. So there is lots of potential to make it work well. However if you are so often getting angry then things are not right - and if he has not picked up on that then it is a concern. These are very early days. I am sure it can be made to work if you both have a commitment to it. I hope his commitment is as strong as yours.

Good luck Blackpurse. I truly hope it works out for you.

Very best wishes


There are always difficulties in a new relationship. New BDSM relationships are no exception to that. However where both are new to BDSM as well then there is possibly potential for further difficulties and, as Blackpurse said in her header, "abuse". Do readers have any constructive advice they can give her?