Thursday, November 17, 2016

"Is my Dom abusing me"

I seem to have been discussing that a lot recently on A Kind Dom so it was interesting to receive an email recently from someone describing herself as a "New Sub" which had that title. She and her partner are both new to the world of BDSM and are in a new relationship. That brings about lots of very understandable fears.

Enough though of my preamble. Hear what she had to say,


I am extremely lost and confused and have no where to turn, please help.

I am brand new to the D/S world and found myself in a D/s relationship by accident. We have been together for about 2 months now, and everything is still very new.  He was very open from the start about his desires, and I found myself very interested (surprisingly so). We agreed to keep it mainly in the bedroom for now. He admits that he is also very new to this, and has had only some short D/s experiences.  However, since he admits to being new I find myself not trusting his commands a lot of the time, which (of course) creates a problem.  I also find myself resisting (very strongly resisting) certain tasks.  For instance, he often commands that I do "assignments" like cook him dinner, plan a date, or think of ways I can sexually please him more and demonstrate at our next meeting (seemingly normal commands).  I have since done all of those things(and enjoyed doing them), but not when he has commanded.  When he commanded them (these were all over the phone) I instantly felt this strong resistance and anger. In the vanilla world I have a dominant personality, and as such, these things seem to be against my very nature. Also, I think my resistance stems from the fact that even when I do "extra" things to please him I do not feel these are being acknowledged, or at least not enough/in the right way.  For instance, I have been exercising 5 days a week to try to enlarge my behind, and as such I am often very sore. However, he doesn't adjust the positions for my soreness and seems to have the attitude that I should "suck it up." This really angers me as I am doing this for him (partially of course) and he can't even make small adjustments for me? I almost feel as if nothing will ever be enough, although to his credit he does acknowledge and say that he liked "x", and that I'm a "good girl".  However, often he demonstrates how pleased he is by demanding I perform oral on him (discussed below), or doing something else that gives HIM sexual pleasure. This is not how I would like him to express that I have done a good job, or at least not all the time. I'm not sure how he could improve on making me feel appreciated (he says allowing me to give him pleasure is my treat--which I agree to a limited extent) and as such it's difficult for me to discuss it with him. 

Also, sexually I feel like it is very one-sided.  He is very into anal, and I am an anal virgin.  I agreed to try, and he has been very warm and patient, but it has been large focus.  As of yet I have derived only slight pleasure (more so discomfort) from this anal journey, and would prefer to stop or cut down significantly, but continue as it makes him happy.  Additionally, his commands largely focus on me performing oral.  I feel like I am giving him entirely too much oral (50-60% of the sexual experience giving him oral (sometimes more!), 30-40% anal, 10% everything else).  When I realized it would be like this every time, I addressed this with him and he disagrees, he does not think he commands too much oral, and he says I am infringing upon the dynamic asking him to change.... this greatly concerns me, and honestly angers me. After a long talk he says he will make some adjustments, but I have a strong feeling oral will still be the center focus. He believes the dynamic requires 65% (him) to 35% (me) ratio of sexual focus/pleasure (although he admits that it has not been that ratio). And honestly, I want him to be happy, and if that's what he wants maybe he should find a girl to give it to him, right?  ***it should be noted that I often want to give him oral pleasure, just not to the extent he demands. And I am now finding myself resenting him for demanding it so extensively**

My anger and resistance make me wonder if I am not submissive, but rather just prefer kinky sex with a dominant personality... (is there a difference?) How can I tell if I am submissive (I've taken quizzes that say I am)?  I'm not sure how to tell if I just have a bad dom or if I'm not into this world as much as my body seems to want it. If I was truly submissive wouldn't I always be satisfied simply pleasing him? But doesn't he also have to take care of me (emotionally and physically), isn't that also part of the dynamic? Is he right, am I overstepping my submissive role by requesting more pleasure (focus on me)? Or, is he abusing me, or rather, being a bad dom? 

I feel like I've mentioned only the negative qualities of him. I genuinely like him as a person, and also enjoy his personality outside of the bedroom. At times I feel extreme arousal, more arousal than I have ever felt, and true desire to be submissive, but I also feel extreme anger at times and resistance.  I'm not sure if what he is asking for is completely normal for a D/s relationship and I am wrong for challenging it.  I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles but can't find an answer for this concern.  

Any advice is greatly appreciated! 



My reply was,

Thank you Blackpurse

Being new to such a world where there is so much at stake and emotions, feelings and thoughts are so heightened is a difficult time for anyone. Do browse through some of the Uncle Agony questions - and also the topics on A Kind Dom. There is much kind concern and thoughtful help from people in the community for those who are new to it and struggling.

Having said that - there is no need to feel one is entering a club with certain membership rules. Basically you have started a new relationship and should treat it the same as any other relationship. Ultimately it is whether it is working out for you. Does it have the potential to fulfil you, to meet your needs, to make you happy? It is not about rules and assignments and commands. It is about you. There is no perfect bdsm scenario. No right way. No wrong way. Do what works right for you both and work out together what is right for you both.

You write, "... it's difficult for me to discuss it with him." BDSM relationships are built on good communications. It is essential to be able to discuss hopes and fears, wants and desires, struggles and limits. Without good communications leading to trust, respect and commitment any such relationship can be dangerous.

I feel that BDSM and D/s are built on a good relationship. Yes, they can strengthen such relationships, make them stronger and more intense but there needs to be a ground rock of care and respect to enable this potential.

I worry, and I know regular readers of my blogs would be too, that with both of you being new to this world there is lots of potential for harm and things going wrong. He sounds as if he is trying hard to be a Dominant while still searching for that role within himself. He fears to listen to your own fears lest that appear a weakness. To be a strong Dominant one needs to know the needs of their submissive, be able to show care and respect for them and to have the skills and knowledge to ensure they are always safe. That is the least a submissive should expect. A submissive too has responsibilities. They need to be strong. Strong to be able to cope with demands that are challenging and stretch their preconceived notions. However they need too to be strong enough to know when it is not working, to be able to communicate this and yes, sometimes, to be able to walk away.

I think it is very early days yet - and you should be able to both have fun exploring the possibilities of your roles and relationship.

If it is kept "mainly in the bedroom for now" then that gives lots of time outside of the bedroom to discuss, plan and make sure it can work for both of you.

You like him, enjoy his personality, have become extremely aroused. So there is lots of potential to make it work well. However if you are so often getting angry then things are not right - and if he has not picked up on that then it is a concern. These are very early days. I am sure it can be made to work if you both have a commitment to it. I hope his commitment is as strong as yours.

Good luck Blackpurse. I truly hope it works out for you.

Very best wishes


There are always difficulties in a new relationship. New BDSM relationships are no exception to that. However where both are new to BDSM as well then there is possibly potential for further difficulties and, as Blackpurse said in her header, "abuse". Do readers have any constructive advice they can give her?


  1. Sounds to me because he is new too he thinks the Dominant and submissive are not equal. She needs to feel fulfilled and content with the arrangement. It is a power exchange he should only take the control she gives. She mentioned submissive not slave so I think he needs to learn off another dominant and certainly learn both Dom and sub are equal.

  2. Thank you Daisy. I think what you write is very sound advice.

    P xx

  3. I had this big, long, drawn out post and it was over the post limit so I chucked it. LOL
    Then I stumbled on this quote, and it seems to sum it up perfectly and much more succinctly.

    “The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.”
    ― Joseph Bean

    This is where Mr. New Dom is failing. He's not caring enough about whether she's enjoying herself or not and just expecting her to shut up and do what he wants cuz apparently that's what he thinks D/s is. That's not healthy, for any type of relationship and hopefully either he'll wise up, or she'll be smart enough to assert herself and set some boundaries and demand more and quit worrying so much about whether she's a sub or not and care more about whether she's in a healthy and fulfilling relationship or not. Clearly, right now, she's not. Question is, can they learn and grow and work together to make things better for both of them or will they stay stuck in those fantasies and expectations of what they think those magical titles "dom" and "sub" mean, till one or both of them get too frustrated/hurt and the relationship implodes?

  4. And for me- the difference between abuse and BDSM is consent. If someone is doing something to someone else that is hurting them physically, emotionally, or otherwise and they do not consent and are not enjoying it and end up with damage afterwards that they did not want- that's abuse to me.

    If someone negotiates a scene with someone, consents with full knowledge and awareness of what the scene entails, with clear boundaries set, and both parties honoring that negotiation and set boundaries, with the top playing smart and checking in on the bottom regularly and using common sense to avoid doing any serious damage, and the bottom retaining clear mental facilities to provide feedback, communication, and ongoing consent, that's BDSM and not abuse to me. But informed, educated, ongoing, enthusiastic consent as well as avoidance of serious or lasting physical/emotional/psychological damage is the key as far as I'm concerned.

    In this particular case, their inexperience is hampering them and trying to adhere to expectations that aren't working for them is causing problems. They need to possibly start from square one, ditch the expectations, and talk meaningfully about what each of them wants out of the relationship, and from each other and see if they have any common ground and go from there.

  5. Wow Tamar! I wish I had written that.

    Thank you.

    I love the quote, “The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.” ― Joseph Bean

    But also your analysis is spot on. The only thing I would add is to emphasise as you say that, "their inexperience is hampering them and trying to adhere to expectations that aren't working for them is causing problems." The reason she has written is because she recognises that things are not right and she is asking for help and support. I guess we were all inexperienced once. I am sure though that it is important she recognises the wisdom in what you have written and can use it constructively in improving her relationship.

    Thanks again Tamar

    P xx

  6. We began (rather Naively) after reading numerous blogs a few years ago. She also hated anal. Long story short, I almost ended the best relationship I ever had. we are now married and I gave up on anal (her hard limit).

    With time, she will occasionally, when very hot offer rear entry. It is NEVER forced, but she willingly offers to me.

    We learned a lot about each other over these past years. Our relationship is the strongest it's ever been. She is not submissive by nature, but very submissive to me. Not because she has to be but because she wants to be.

    We learned about a safe word and the rare times she has used it; I've stopped immediately.

    We decided early on our relationship was more important than our "kink" and placed our priority accordingly.

    Good luck -- remember it's what you BOTH want and need.


  7. Thank you for describing your personal experience Rob. I am sure that Blackpurse and her partner will find it helpful in sorting out their own issues.

    I think too that it highlights the importance of understanding, respect and good communications.

    You offer very good advice

    - P

  8. My first thought was "RUN!".

    Now in my defense I was in a long term relationship that became more about abuse than a trusting, consensual dynamic.

    Just because you're submissive doesn't mean you check your humanity at the door. Tamar's quote is dead on. I see red flags all over your letter. Don't ignore them. People show you in behavior who they are and what value you are to them. Believe them.

  9. Thanks Dani. I had been reflecting on this and the dangers of those new to such a relationship with nobody to go to for help or advice apart from their partner. When that partner is a Dom and their desire is to submit to them then it puts one in a very vulnerable position. I think often there can be the worry for a sub that if they are having their limits crossed they can believe it is their fault for not being submissive enough. If the Dom is inexperienced and does not realise or recognise their own responsibilities there is a danger of them believing the same. But I think I am already writing my next Kind Dom post here!

    Thanks for your excellent advice to Blackpurse Dani.

    Good luck

    P xxxx


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