Monday, June 8, 2009

guilt or emptiness?

Dear Master Pygar,

Thank you for your blog. It gets me thinking and feeling less alone.

A little over a year ago a new on-line friend sparked within me an interest in submission and D/s relationships. O/our friendship grew (rather quickly) into an 'on-line relationship'. W/we never met, but a gap in my life seemed to be filled for me for the first time.

I am married. My husband has no interest in anything that he dismisses as "kinky".

My online relationship has just finished and left me with that "gap" again. I have young children and cannot separate from my husband - in any case I love him. He is a good man and I do not want to hurt him.

But I feel so empty again. I am drawn to look for another online Master but part of me thinks I should just push it all to one side, that I am being selfish and deceitful.

I just crave to submit again.

Are any of your readers in a similar situation? How do they cope with the feelings of guilt on one side - or the emptiness on the other?

Thank you


Thank you for your letter pinksub. I am sure there are other subs in a very similar situation. I hope some of them may feel able to comment. - P

Monday, June 1, 2009

How do I get the spanking I want?

Many of you may visit Vivian's blog - The Disciplined Feminist - which I have recently linked to on the side bar.

She has just published an ebook called, "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better. It is described as "a complete guide for anyone who wants their partner to spank them and is particularly directed to adults interested in spanking in a committed relationship, primarily (though not exclusively) in a domestic discipline situation."

She kindly offered me an exclusive excerpt for publication. Having read it I think it is excellent advice so am publishing it here. If the rest of the ebook is of the same standard then I think that many will find it a very useful read.


(Variant Books, 2009,

~ Why most advice about getting your partner to spank you will not get you what you want

Almost all the advice available on how to get your partner to spank you relies on the fantasy that your partner will spank you if you provoke, tempt or tease him into doing so. This advice usually includes a suggestion to do something that annoys him and then tempt him with, “If I were you, I’d spank me for that…” or variations to that effect.

I call this advice the “I Love Lucy” method because it reminds me of the way in which Lucy would misbehave – often it seemed, with a wink and a nod – and Rickie would threaten her with a spanking if she didn’t stop. (By the way, in case you think I’m reading something into the show that isn’t there, you should know that there is at least one and probably more episodes in which Lucy is spanked by Rickie, and the implication is that this is not an unusual or infrequent occurrence. Ah, the Golden Age of television…)

The “I Love Lucy” method is by far the most commonly repeated advice on this subject – but it obviously doesn’t work very well. How do I know this? Because despite the fact that this advice appears on almost every thread or discussion about this subject anywhere, the forums and community boards are still crowded with people frustrated that their partners won’t spank them.

So clearly, this method isn’t working for most (all?) people. And when you take a closer look at it, it’s really no wonder. Classic sitcoms aside, trying to provoke your partner into spanking you is actually more likely to get him not to spank you than anything else!
Why? To answer that, let’s closer look at what you’re really doing when you try to provoke a spanking by taunting your partner with misbehavior.

1. You’re getting fantasy confused with reality.

Expecting your partner to spank you without communicating with him first about what you want and whether spanking you will work for him is another example of how we tend to let our fantasies get in the way of our expectations about how real life works.

In our fantasies, we misbehave and our partner instinctively and magically knows just what to do about it. Without hesitation, he becomes the stern disciplinarian and immediately takes charge, giving us the perfect spanking in the perfect way, saying all the right things and leaving us with a sore bottom and that wonderful feeling of fantasy fulfillment. Yum… what a wonderful fantasy! No wonder we get stuck here!

But you probably sense by now that as delicious as this fantasy is, it’s not the way real life works because…

2. You’re not being fair to yourself.

Expecting your partner to get that you want him to spank you just because you tease him with the possibility is a sure route to a disappointing spanking experience – even if he does take you up on your offer.

First of all, he’s probably not going to take you seriously and believe that you really want him to spank you. Why would he? Most guys who aren’t specifically interested in spanking don’t realize that there are actually a lot of women out there who want to be spanked. Guys may fantasize about spanking women, but they also fantasize about having sex with two lesbians, and how often does that realistically happen for the average guy?

Furthermore, most “enlightened” modern guys were raised to believe that what a woman wants most is equality, so naturally, he’s going to assume that you’re kidding at best and at worst, being a tease by making fun of his “macho” tendencies. (we’ll talk more about this in a minute)
The odds that he’ll believe you’re serious just because you tease him about spanking you are probably one in a thousand, at least. And even if against all odds, he does try spanking you because you provoked him into it (which would actually be very bad, as you’re about to learn), he’s almost certain to do it “wrong” – thus disappointing you and frustrating him.

Do you really believe that you will get the spanking you want without any specific prior communication with your partner about what you have in mind? That with all of the hundreds of different variations in the spanking experience, your partner will magically somehow, without one word of actual, direct, adult conversation with you, know exactly what you’re asking for and do it the way you want him to?

Not likely! You’ve probably got a better chance of marrying a handsome movie star and moving to a tropical island.

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating here. A satisfying spanking doesn’t just happen because you want it to without any work on your part. A good spanking takes communication, practice and the building of trust between two people. (Remember, even Lucy and Rickie had been together for years working on their spanking relationship before those TV spankings happened!)

Expecting that just by teasing and provoking your partner into spanking you you’re going to get what you want is like expecting to play the piano perfectly the first time you touch the keys – it’s just not going to happen, because…

3. You’re not being fair to him.

You and I may be fully aware of the wonderful benefits and pleasures of spanking, but most of the rest of the world isn’t.

In fact, most of the rest of the world (or at least the western world) sees any form of physical violence against a partner as abuse – and therefore unacceptable and unforgivable. Not to mention that in most of western society, hitting a woman is a felony offense that could land your partner in jail, ruin his reputation, take away his custody of his children (if he has them) and end his career.

Sound like an exaggeration? It’s not.

Expecting your partner to spank you just because you tease him is asking him to take a huge risk. What if he misinterpreted what you wanted and spanked you, when you really were just teasing him? (And how in the world could he possibly know for sure if you haven’t talked with him first?) And what if he spanks you too hard and you feel abused by what he’s done and report him to the police? (And how does he know how hard to spank you if, again, you haven’t talked with him first!!?)

You may think these possibilities are exaggerated and far-fetched, but that’s because you’re probably seeing the whole situation from your perspective. You already know what you want and you already know that you want it. He doesn’t. And he has no reasonable or fair chance of knowing without you coming out and asking him, instead of teasing him about it.

Simply put, it is unreasonable and unfair to your partner to expect him to take a serious risk with his life just on the remote chance that you might seriously want him to spank you.
Why is this a remote chance? Why would it be so hard for him to believe that you really, truly want to be spanked? Here’s why:

Because modern men have, by and large, been raised to believe it’s wrong and abusive to hit a woman for any reason at all. Period. End of discussion. This is probably where your man’s head is.

Which means that to get over that pretty strong attitude, he will probably (and should probably) need a very clear and very explicit request from you before he even considers spanking you.
And while we’re on the subject here, given the risks involved, any man who is willing to take the chance and spank you without knowing 100% for sure that it’s consensual is probably not someone who is responsible, stable and mature enough to be a good spanking partner. In fact, he may well be an abuser who will hurt you without your consent in other ways as well.

In other words, if you’ve tried the “I Love Lucy” technique and failed, it’s actually a good sign that your partner is responsible, caring and trustworthy enough to be a great spanking partner once you communicate with him about what you want.

The good news is that you don’t have to use this unreliable and dangerous “I Love Lucy” method to get your partner to give you the spankings you need. There is a method for getting what you want that works much, much better – and best of all, will strengthen your relationship rather than endangering it.

That’s what the rest of this book is about.