Monday, June 8, 2009

guilt or emptiness?

Dear Master Pygar,

Thank you for your blog. It gets me thinking and feeling less alone.

A little over a year ago a new on-line friend sparked within me an interest in submission and D/s relationships. O/our friendship grew (rather quickly) into an 'on-line relationship'. W/we never met, but a gap in my life seemed to be filled for me for the first time.

I am married. My husband has no interest in anything that he dismisses as "kinky".

My online relationship has just finished and left me with that "gap" again. I have young children and cannot separate from my husband - in any case I love him. He is a good man and I do not want to hurt him.

But I feel so empty again. I am drawn to look for another online Master but part of me thinks I should just push it all to one side, that I am being selfish and deceitful.

I just crave to submit again.

Are any of your readers in a similar situation? How do they cope with the feelings of guilt on one side - or the emptiness on the other?

Thank you


Thank you for your letter pinksub. I am sure there are other subs in a very similar situation. I hope some of them may feel able to comment. - P


  1. pinksub,

    there are many who have been where you are, myself included. There have been discussions with a number of individuals here about the ability to put one's submission "back in the box." I couldn't do it, although I tried hard for a number of years. I eventually left my husband, and took my daughter with me, while leaving my son with his father. For me, I simply could no longer be happy ignoring who am I, and living a lie in my marriage.

    There are many who remain married, and continue with their online and long-distance D/s relationships. I tried that for a few years, but the frustration, the hiding, the lying, and the loneliness became too much.

    I wish I had better answers for you. Things worked out beautifully for me, but it took time. Nothing happens overnight.

    Just know that you deserve to be happy, and to be loved for who you are, not shunned, ridiculed, or humiliated by those who do not understand your wants and desires.

    Feel free to drop me a line at if you wish to talk privately. I've always got big shoulders, lots of hugs, and kleenex.

    cutesy pah

  2. I do hope pinksub that you found cutesy pah's comments helpful. I am sure her offer of further support in private is genuinely as well as kindly meant.

    cutesy pah chose one course of action that was right for her. As she says there are others who have remained married. In the end you will have to find the path that is right for you - but I am sure that talking of it with supportive and understanding friends will help you to come to a decision.


  3. To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.

  4. Best wishes, i do hope you find what you need soon!

  5. Let's say, since CP has gone there already, that we are talking about a level of not-on-the-same-page where divorce seems kind of logical. Now, divorce sucks. Big gut-wrenching life-changing stuff, yeah?

    In that context, what I want to know is how far you are communicating with your husband. Are you having the big, gut-wrenching, life-changing conversations?

    Because it seems like, if it's worth going to that level to ditch him, you probably owe it to him to go there with him first. And the outcome might suprise you.


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