Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Guilt about my submissive feelings

Good evening Master Pygar:

Ive met someone online too, we've been chatting almost a year next month; he's older than me by 7 years.

He's been after me to submit but being the 'good catholic gal' that I am, Im not so sure that I want to delve into the state called submissiveness. I do want to meet him, but as he said only on his terms - which are sexual. I first delved into BDSM [spring of 2001[ on the msn online channel and purchased The Loving Dominant; Why is my friend so kinky; Erotic Surrender. A lot of erotica which ive read online and also purchased has something to be desired; some is good; some just down right raunchy.

I have so many inhibitions, hangups I call them. And if I can work my way through these hangups , then I will not fear meeting my Lord and Master. Maybe you have some tips to help me overcome these feelings?

Look forward to your response.


Thank you for writing Christina. Often guilt is said to be built in to a Catholic upbringing. However I have met some very sexually voracious Catholic women - perhaps it is the excitement of breaking free from the guilt!

It sounds as if you want to become more free and explore your sexuality yet your guilt is making this difficult ... causing the hangups you describe. I think that to get over your hangups successfully, and not create even more, you need an understanding and loving partner. I'm not sure that if he is only prepared to meet on his terms then he is necessarily that person - but only you can decide if that is the case.

I do not have much personal experience of coming to terms with guilt.

I wonder if other readers have personal experiences to share that might help?

Good luck



  1. Hi, Christina,

    I'm not Catholic, I'm an atheist, but the guilt is still there in some ways. It's part of being a woman in Western society. We aren't supposed to feel lust, or sexual pleasure. I think that religious upbringing can exacerbate this conditioning, but it isn't wholly your religion's fault.

    I got over my guilt and weirdness by finding the right Master. I'm going to be collared by him next week, moving from someone he teaches to his actual slave. Working with him via the internet was hard at first, but it also allowed me to break down some of my guilt and weirdness by doing things he wanted without an actual physically-present witness.

    In a few short weeks, I'd moved on to meeting him in person. I have done so many things I never dreamed I'd do, let alone ENJOY doing. I never in my life dreamed I would beg to be flogged. But I have. I am proud of my markings. I love that Master knows what I need and gives it to me. He is also there for me when I have a crisis in my regular life, in ways that no vanilla lover ever has.

    The only hangups you have you will have to move past yourself. You can only do that with the right Master. Someone that sees you, who you are, your beauty and your worth as a woman and as a sub. You'll know when you meet him. He won't pressure you to do things you don't want to do. He will be patient and listen to you, your confusion and your desires. He won't make you feel ashamed, and will help you find your way past your blocks.

    Maybe a fresh perspective can help you, even though religious conditioning from an early age is such a hard paradigm to break through. The church's position and teachings on sex were not the original way. Augustine and his misogynistic mindset screwed up everything for everyone.

    The church's teachings on sex are for control of people on the mortal plane, by the church. Your god made your body for pleasure. You wouldn't have these desires if they weren't part and parcel of who you are and were born to be.

    Take it slow, don't jump into the arms of the first person to tell you he can Master you. You will know the right one when he comes along, I promise.

    My Master does not want a lover or a girlfriend or wife. I do not want a boyfriend or a husband. It is purely about power exchange and I submit to him gladly. Sex is part of the deal, but it is a tool of exchange and not the end goal. It's not the end, just a means to the end.

    Master has shown me how beautiful I am after a lifetime of thinking I was plain and even ugly. He has made me happier in these months I've known him than I have been in my entire life. It is everything I wanted and never admitted to myself. It's amazing how quickly my blocks and hangups crumbled to dust when I turned myself over to him.

    You should be able to talk to this erstwhile Master about ANYTHING at all, especially your trepidation and fears about it being purely about sex. My Master made it clear he didn't need another sex partner, that he wanted someone to submit to him. And he knew better than I that I would be that one.

    See next comment for part II, ran out of room. LOL

  2. Part II

    There are a lot of people out there that think BDSM is just about kinky sex, and there is nothing deeper to it. They don't understand what the lifestyle is really about. There's nothing wrong with that, if that's what you want. But if you are looking for a real Master and not just a sex partner who is pressuring you to do things you aren't ready to do, then you definitely should talk/type/chat to this person in your life and explain exactly what you feel and why.

    If he's for real, he'll understand and help you. If he does not, and pressures you, then he is not what he claims to be and you should look elsewhere.

    I found Master on alt.com. I know other women who have had success finding their own Masters at the same place. A good Master may even have testimonials from subs he's worked with before. The gold and silver members have credit card information on file and will likelier be safer than some guy you have no information on whatsoever.

    I wish you luck. Your hangups are only in your mind and you have the power to remove them, if you are willing to take the plunge.

  3. Christina-

    Reading your post (twice) I'm not quite as gung-ho as the previous responses. You don't even say that you feel submissive; you say that this guy you've met on the internet wants you to submit to him. And you don't really talk about your religion and its mores as part of what you feel, either. You put "good Catholic gal" in quotes, and describe the catechism as a set of hangups.
    I want to know...what does Christina want? I get what the pope wants, and what internet boy wants, but what do you want?
    I know it's not an easy question, especially when you have so many men telling you what you ought to want, but it is an important question. Maybe the most.

    Good luck to you.

  4. I was raised a good catholic girl also. I think it just takes lots of communication, time and trust. No one should ever jump into this lifestyle head first with no limits and full of complete trust. I believe, trust and faith are something eased into. Time will allow you to talk more about your feelings (good and bad ones) his trust will help (hopefully) you to be more open with those feelings.

    Good luck to you in your journey

    Omega's mouse

  5. Christina,

    you've been given some good advise here. i only hope i can add to it and help you decide what is best for your situation.
    my up-bringing was within a catholic household. i am 53 year old female, who has been involved within this lifestyle for over six years now; and all of it totally within a full time D/s relationship.
    not only have i not felt any guilt in doing what i felt was the right decision for me,but also,i have never regretted following my true submissive nature.

    you said "He's been after me to submit.." why? if you are submissive, you'll know when the time is right.
    and then later said:"I do want to meet him, but as he said only on his terms - which are sexual."...why on his terms?...this is a power exchange...not a one-way street.

    i agree with mouse, trust and communication and time are important. though i feel trust should always be at the top of the list.

    as for seeking a "Master" on any web site or in person; alt.com is but one place to seek a Dominate. please, just keep in mind,there are the "real" Doms, and there are imposters..as in all walks of life.
    but i know first hand that wolves disguised in mens clothing,hunt and seek out the new,or those with less experience. i was beaten and left from a first time encounter in a motel room.
    ...so be strong,listen to and trust in your own instincts.

    good luck to you,


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