Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Dom Question

I have received my first "Uncle Agony" letter from a Dom. It is a fascinating email about the beginnings of a D\s relationship. I think it could work out very well but I know he is very keen to receive support, ideas and advice from readers. I will add a few comments of my own at the end but first the letter ...

They told me in school there are no such things as Dom questions, but here goes.

I am a male, newly interested in learning more about a D/s lifestyle. I am not into heavy BDSM, but do like to spank my wife.

My wife is a contradiction in terms. She is very self sufficient, has her own money and properties, and knows how to do many things that I don't know how to do. On the other hand, whenever we make decisions about anything, she always says, "If that's what you want," or "whatever you want." She obviously has a strong tendency to want to please.

I have never taken advantage of that tendency, and have always been, throughout my life and throughout our brief (two year) marriage, a pleasant "whatever" kind of guy. Except when I spank her.

Anyway, lately I have been attuned to her saying "whatever you want"s, and she says them a lot. So last week I started to take advantage, for the first time, of my natural dominant tendencies. I did two things. One, I told her I wanted her to obey my every command in bed for one half hour. When she touched me without permission, I spanked her hard. Usually my spankings are playful, but this time I made it hurt. I told her what to do, "lick my cock," etc. She liked it. After about a half hour of mild commands, we had great sex. This morning, I told her I wanted to be in control like that again some time, and asked if she liked it. She told me "as long as you like it."

Second, I told her last week to turn her cell phone off whenever we have lunch together. Before I never told her what to do, I would alwys ask if it is ok. This time I just told her. Last night when her phone rang during our dinner together she apologized. I did not spank her or anything, instead I just told her again why it was important to our relationship to turn her phone off, and she agreed.

Ok, so baby steps. But I can tell she has some of the makings of a good submissive, although, for example, it will be a while (if ever) before I could convince her to turn her finances and her decision making over to me.

I have actually planned a few more steps. Every month I intend to add a new command, for example, that she greet me when I come home in the evening (she does not work, thankfully). I also have a list of things I want her to start doing sexually with me that will also slowly develop. For example, anal sex, which she does not enjoy and which she has let me do only twice in two years. Things like that. I can work on one a month, I have the self control to do that.

I have not specifically discussed the issue of control with her yet. If I told her I wanted to control everything, she would laugh. But on the other hand, she tends to like it when I just step up to the plate. It makes me feel very good to be in control, it is a new feeling for me, though I have always been very self assertive in other realms, so I have the natural leader in me. It's just that in my house, mom definitely wore the pants.

It felt good to take these baby steps. I am just curious about your thoughts on this situation, whether I am headed in the right direction, and any advice your readers might have!

Dom Tom

. . . . .

Thanks Tom

As I wrote earlier I have a positive feeling about this. The fact that you are taking things very slowly and just introducing one thing at a time seems a a very good approach. There may be some things that do not work - then you might backtrack on those but keep up with the overall strategy.

There are many people who are self-confident and in control in their day to day life who actually love the opportunity to be able to put that responsibility to one side, to have another take control and and be the responsible one. It is almost like a break from that other personality, a rest and something they gain pleasure and growth from. It sounds as if your wife is that kind of person ... and that she may enjoy slowly exploring and developing that submissive side of her nature.

One thing I am unsure of is when would be the best time to begin to discuss these issues. For the moment I think your strategy of saying little about what you are doing but watching carefully her response to your new controls is the right one. But if things do continue to develop well then perhaps there will come a time when it would be good to bring it all out into the open and be honest with each other about your needs and desires. At the moment it may be too early as she is only just discovering them from your gentle and careful introduction.

I know subs who have tried to help their partners develop their Dom side and who have written of this. Your parallel journey is very interesting. I do hope that in the future you will tell us all how it went.

But good luck Tom. I think this has huge potential to turn out very positively for both of you. I do hope so.

I hope some subs too may comment as they will have perhaps better understanding of your wife's position from their own awakenings.


  1. I'm with the good Uncle on this one. Don't "discuss" it with her for the time being. Just take your steps slowly and ever more completely. Don't lose track of the things you've already won from her. If she's given up a little control here and there keep those at the front. Continue to lead in the bedroom, she seems to like it, always a good sign.

    It's a good feeling, isn't it?

    Just a thought or two on steps to take (but you know your situation better than me):

    Tell her not to get into bed before you do, have her get ready then stand there while you get ready... then invite her in.

    You might consider a "uniform" that she should wear when she greets you. I like the pet in knit, thigh-high stockings, an undershirt and knickers. It's obviously sexy without being particularly slutty (and looks awesome with her cuffs).

    And call it a uniform, it's very controlling. Just wait for the rush when you say to her, "Go get into uniform" and she does, knowing what is going to come of it.

    Your self control is your best tool. Stay on track and you'll be amazed.

  2. Lucky woman your wife is!
    Enjoy the time spent together.. and I agree about not "talking" about this with her.
    I'd rather( were I in her shoes) just have it happen.
    All the best to you both!

  3. Ok, my take.

    First, want to address what you term a "contradiction" - i.e. her self sufficiency, her business accumen, in general, what sounds like excellent capabilities. There is NOTHING contradictory at all about being intelligent, capable and self-sufficient AND being submissive - the two are NOT mutually exclusive.

    In all fairness, it is a common misconception of many individuals when they first learn about the lifestyle.

    Submissives are not as they often portrayed in the web world - i.e. doormats, incapable of having opinions, completely cowed.

    The reality is they are individuals and the M/s or D/s relationship is a DYNAMIC - which infers there is input and reaction from BOTH sides.

    I think your approach is a good start- however, I woudl be hesitant to place any kind of quantifiable and arbitrary "deadline" on things. Relationships are constantly evolving; as are the people in them.

    You and your wife are going to have to find out together what works for both of you. Because a healthy, long-term and viable dynamic MUST and SHOULD require inptu from both parties.

    Anal sex for instance is a hard limit for a lot of people; handled correctly, however, I think you could encourage her to enjoy it. My d. was very clever how he approached it and VERY patient - and in the end it was I who sought it out - so it can happen. But again, setting a deadline won't cut it.

    Good luck in your journey - I think with patience, honesty and a powerful sensitivity not just to your own needs, but hers, you have a good chance of working your dynamic into the direction you would like to take it.

  4. Tom,
    I think that your wife is lucky to have someone she trusts awakening another side to her personality and her sexuality. I think your wife and I (and many other submissives I have been following online) have a lot in common. I am new to it myself, although I am very aware of where I stand because it is through my own self discovery that I have come to find a slightly submissive nature.

    More importantly, I am a woman who exerts control in other areas of my life and I enjoy that part of me immensley. The flip side of that nature is that I can relate very easily to allowing someone to take the lead in my private life, my relationship and especially in bed.

    While others have said placing demands outside of the bedroom may be something that works I would caution you against making them to all encompassing. Tread carefully, you know what is most important to your wife outside of your relationship, don't tromp on those things. There are some things I guard in my life very carefully, (for example my general free will - ooo I am feeling defiant today) To use examples already provided, as a new submissive and one not entirely comfortable with the prospects of living the lifestyle 24/7, I would be comfortable with you telling him to turn my phone off at lunch or dinner, but I would not be comfortable if I were told when I could crawl into bed. If she is as naturally defiant as I can be she may come to realise you exerting your control in other areas as well and make moves to take that back. I know I would.

    Tom, are you blogging? I would love to keep up with new advances.

  5. Tom,

    first best of luck.

    secondly, do not introduce too much too fast. watch the reactions, the interests. explore what seems to genuinely light up her eyes. Dont push things that shes resistant or hesitant upon until she is more comfortable with some of the basic things. you must crawl before you can walk. i learned the hard way you cannot rush someone into things. and watch out for her doing it "just because she loves you" and not out of desire to try something new, this could cause resistant.

    ~smiles~ i agree, keep a blog! i'm sure there are many who will help guide and advise. You've already gotten some great tips!

  6. I would like to thank everyone for their warm and welcoming thoughts. Your comments have encouraged me. I am on vacation right now until August 10. When I return I plan to start a blog. These last weeks have been the most exciting, invigorating and challenging of my recent adult life, and I want to share more when I return.


  7. Dear Tom,
    I look forward to your blog. I am naturally submissive, but have control of most things in my life. I can tell you that I love it when my man selectively directs me. Ours is a long-distant relationship and one way we stay connected is he often tells me which panties to wear. It is a silly, little thing, and he has no way of checking, but it is fun for us and I always obey. It wouldn't work for me if I didn't.

    I look forward to his visits and the ways he takes control, but I would not want to be told to stand and wait to be invited into bed. Someone else wouldn't want the man to choose her underwear. Find what works for you and best wishes.

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  10. Am I the only one to stand apart from the crowd and question the manipulation you are putting your wife through? D/s is a wonderful experience from both sides but can be extremely damaging without negotiation.

    My (submissive) husband and I have been discussing this for quite some time now, "this" being the bullshit lack of communication, coersion and manipulation in a great number of so called D/s relationships. Are you not letting her in on your dirty little secret because she wouldn't like it?

    I can guess she wouldn't and she has a right to be pissed off at how underhanded you are being. That being said there is a way to go about all of this that will not damage your relationship, respect is the first step, respecing her right to know whats going on and respecting her right to say no if thats how she feels about it.

    You remind me of one of my former dom's in so many ways, we didn't work out because he was unaware of the mechanics of the relationship and my rights in the submissive role I took in it. We both grew in the relationship and both became the loving dominants we are today because we were together. He has been my greatest advisor (and a picture of what not to be though he has grown up since I was in his collar.

    You have made a start, not a great one but it's a start. Now is the time to sit down with your wife and talk about where she would like to see things going, it's not all up to you she's just as much of a person as you are in all of this.

    Good luck

    Miss cat

  11. Thank you very much for this Miss cat.

    I find myself agreeing with much that you have said. If it is "manipulation" as you suggest then it is indeed wrong. But I suppose the start of many new directions come from just trying some things out gently and discovering the response. Whilst communication is central we are not always good at understanding and articulating our own needs and desires which can develop though exposure to them.

    But you are right that respect and communication are central.

    By chance I was discussing this post with a friend online just the other day!

    So thank you again

    - xPx

  12. Thank you Miss cat for your thoughtful and perceptive comments.

    I find myself agreeing with much that you say. If this is as you suggest calculated "manipulation" then it is clearly wrong.

    Good communication needs to be at the heart of any relationship.

    However there can be times when we find it difficult to understand and articulate our own feelings and desires. Sometimes they develop through experimentation. But at the heart of this needs to be trust and care.

    You are right too that at some stage there need to be open and honest discussion so that the needs and desires of both parties are being met and where there is mutual respect.

    I hope Tom heeds your words.

    By chance I was discussing this post with a friend online just the other day where some of these issues were touched upon.

    Thank you again.

    - xPx

  13. Ooooops .....

    I thought I'd lost the first comment and had to try to rewrite it!

    Pick whichever response you think is best.



  14. I can see both sides of this. I guess my biggest concern is that through all of this you (Tom) are interpreting what she likes without ever having asked her. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised with her answer (or not) but you need to have the conversations!

    Yes we need to explore things to understand them better, however if she wants the flipside of what you want, truly (anyone who has played either or both sides in D/s will have thought about it, fantasized, dreamed, experimented, read etc etc) then she will be able to talk with you about it.

    The basis of any good relationship, especially a D/s relationship is trust. Honesty and respect go a long way and it does not sound to me like you are affording her either by not inviting her in to experiment with you. This long timeline you have of trying one thing at a time may either be greatly shortened or curtailed by having that conversation but it is one you need to have.

  15. Thank you very much Just a Taste.

    It is interesting that this question is one that continues to get responses. I think you are confirming the view that Tom needs to start that very important conversation.

    It would be interesting to hear from him whether that has happened or not yet.



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