Tuesday, August 4, 2009

When does a traditional relationship become a D/s one?

(I intend to be less active in blogging for the time being. I will continue to publish interesting emails here for others to comment on but most likely without my own comments. Thank you to all who have helped get this blog going. P xxx)


First thanks for taking the time to create your Blog. I found it yesterday in a search for some answers. I keep coming back to the same vague answers. I think this might be in part to the fact that D/s might be somewhat different for each couple. I would like to preface this question with a little information an background about myself. White male living in S.F. Bay Area of California. I’m in my early thirties in age. I have strong values an find a deep admiration for the traditional roles of a man and woman in a relationship. Something akin to what my grandparents had. A husband who is a provider an guardian, and a wife who is a home maker and care giver. It just seems to be the natural order of things. My most recent Girlfriend was very much into kinks. She allowed me to explore some of these with her and I found out that I too , shared the some of the same kinks and some that might be a bit darker. Her social group of Girl friends are of like mind when it comes to the bedroom. All are submissive women by nature. All commented on my Dominating personality and character. Pointing out things to me about myself that I never noticed or took for granted that it’s the way Men are supposed to behave. My question is this:

At what point does it go from being a traditional unit of a Man and woman to being a D/s relationship. Is the sex the axis it pivots on? I mean if it was vanilla sex but the woman was still submissive and the Man just as Dominant wouldn’t it still be the same relationship of trust, protection, adoration, caring an love?

I guess my hardest hurdle is dealing with the labels. I don’t see myself as being a “Dominant” Male. I’m just a Man. I do see weaker Men in crowds at any social event, so I’m familiar with social hierarchy. Alpha Males and so on. I see the same in women. I can see how personality types naturally gravitate towards one another, and when they don’t mesh well, how they retract from one another.

In closing, I guess what I really want to know is, Can there be D/s minus the clothes pins?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Curiously awaiting your reply,

- H


Dear H

Can there be D/s without the clothes pins? It is usually subs who ask me that question! LOL I like the clothes pins!!!!

Fortunately my favourite sub friend does too!
But of course the answer is that you can make it whatever you want There are far too many hang-ups on language and definitions and what is real D/s and what isn't. There seem to be D/s and BDSM police around trying to tell us all what is and what isn't real BDSM.

My own advice is just go with the flow. Develop those parts of your character that you feel comfortable with in the context of your relationships. For myself I ofen play down those aspects in real life and enjoy being able to express them in the context of a BDSM relationship. I am naturally a kind and gentle man... so how is it I can get off on BDSM activities?

There are many dichotomies and contradictions in this area.

And what is and what isn't a D/s relationship ... when does it become D/s? Does one have to draw a line and decide?

I would be interested in others comments.

Good luck



  1. third time's the charm? I'm having technical difficulty posting this reply.

    D/s is not just about the bedroom, but it's the best part for most. D/s is about a power exchange and there's no better forum than the bed.

    If you get off more on telling her when she can turn on her phone or ordering her food without consulting her, then that's D/s, too. I know, I know, some people have food issues, a good Dom would know what the sub can eat, it's his job. I would never order the pet baked haddock, it makes her sick and why would I want to see that?

    As long as you're getting the pleasure of the control, why worry?

    Sex is always good. If you enjoy long, slow vanilla sex with a bubble bath warm up and lot's of gentle caressing, that's great. If you say to her after dinner, "Go run a bath, I want to make love to you now" and she trots off to do it, that's D/s.

    If she says, instead, "not tonight, I have a headache", well that's just marriage.

  2. Yeah, I hafta admit that I love me them clothespins, too!
    But each to their own.

    To answer your question though, H, yes, D/s exists in all shapes and sizes. My dom is into pain-play, bless his heart. My mentor, however, is much more into the mental aspect of dominance. He delights in getting his girl to be thoroughly naughty, preferably in public. The form of dominance doesn't matter, what counts is that it is there. As Tristan said, "as long as you're getting the control..."

    You might want to take a look at Sir J's page, "A Dominant Character" (another blogspot site.) He had an interesting post on "Why M/s" just yesterday, which touches on your question.

    You're right, tho'. Don't worry about the labels. We all invest them with our own meaning anyhow.

    Good luck,

  3. I am new at the Dom business, too, and our relationship is evolving. I am in no way into inflicting serious pain on my woman, but I do like to giver her a good spanking now and then. And I just bought a whip. i think each person has to take things at their own pace, and find their own comfort levels. I agree Men are naturally dominant. On the other hand, I have handed the finances, for example, over to my wife--she is much better with numbers than I am.

    Who careas aobut labels? Live intensively and the labels are meaningless. My wife and I have a totally committed and loving relationship, and if I tie her up once in a while, does that makes us D/s?

  4. Yep...well the whip maybe seals it.



Please ensure that all comments are helpful and supportive. Deliberately hurtful or abusive comments will be deleted.