Tuesday, August 11, 2009

How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End

Some time ago I published an excerpt from Vivian's ebook "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better. She has now published a companion volume to give advice to the person giving the spanking! It is based on real advice from a number of people who enjoy being spanked.

Here is the blurb:
"This 165-page book is designed for partners of people who want to be spanked, and can be used along with "How to Get the Spanking You Want" as a way of communicating about spanking in a relationship. It's written in the same down-to-earth, easy-to-use and compassionate style as the first book (though more with "Mars" in mind!), and contains insights and advice you won't find anywhere else about how to get your partner to fulfill your spanking desires."

I found it fascinating, informative and very useful. It is a great follow up to her first book. She has again given me permission to publish an excerpt which follows below.

“How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End”
(Variant Books, 2009, www.HowToGiveaSpanking.com. All rights reserved. Reprinted with Permission.)

c About Resistance

Chances are good that at some point, particularly at the beginning of your spanking experiences, your partner will resist your attempts to spank her.

You may, for example, tell her you’re going to spank her and she says, no way! Or you’re in the middle of spanking her and she stands up and refuses to take the rest of her spanking.

Having your partner resist your attempts to spank her can be, and usually is, confusing and upsetting for you and for her.

If your partner resists, she will probably feel guilty and hypocritical for fighting the very thing she’s worked so hard to get in the first place. After all, spanking was her idea, so she of all people ought not to resist when she’s getting spanked—or so goes her thinking, anyway.

Her situation is further complicated by her desire for consistency and follow-through (see Spanking Desire #3, page 80). She probably wants to know that when you say she’s going to get spanked, she’s going to get spanked, period. That means that even if she’s resisting in the moment, later on, she’s likely to feel frustrated and let down because she didn’t have to take the spanking you promised her.

You may be confused and frustrated by her resistance for the same reasons. Isn’t this what she wanted and isn’t it your job to make sure she gets it?

Furthermore, you may find yourself coping with feelings of guilt and shame. Did you do it wrong? Did you spank her too hard? Are you a brute and an abuser?

You can probably see immediately that an episode of resistance that is not handled in a healthy way can do serious damage not only to any future spanking activities, but to the trust and intimacy of the relationship and the psychological well-being of both partners.

Fortunately, you and your partner don’t have to suffer the negative consequences of resistance. You can avoid them almost entirely.


1. By understanding and accepting that resistance to being spanked is probably inevitable at some point.
2. By discussing in advance with your partner what you will do if it happens.
3. By being forgiving of both you and your partner when it does.

Let’s start with the first step: accepting the inevitability of resistance.

If you are in an intimate relationship with a woman, it’s probably not a shocking surprise to you that women’s moods fluctuate dramatically from day to day and even sometimes hour to hour and minute to minute. That means that she may be in the mood for a spanking one minute and then suddenly for what seems to you like no apparent reason, not in the mood for that same spanking the next minute.

In addition, women’s hormonal cycles in particular mean that our emotional and physical tolerance for pain also fluctuates dramatically throughout the course of the month, week and even day. And many people, men and women, are more sensitive to pain when they’re tired, after a shower, when they’re getting a cold, first thing in the morning, or in a variety of other situations. Because of these variations in pain tolerance, you may find that the same spanking that she could accept without resisting yesterday is, today, suddenly too severe for her and she’s not able to hold still for it.

Finally, especially at the beginning of your spanking activity, your partner may find herself surprised by how painful spankings are. Remember that fantasy spankings don’t actually hurt, and if she’s never been spanked before, or hasn’t been spanked in awhile, it’s easy to forget just how much real spankings hurt. The shock of feeling the actual pain of even a mild-but-real spanking can be overwhelming for her.

In short, sooner or later (and probably sooner), your partner will resist your attempt to spank her. So it’s important to go to the second step of the coping-with-resistance plan: discussing it ahead of time.

Acknowledging the reality of resistance with your partner before it happens can do a lot to alleviate the guilt and shame that either or both of you might feel when it happens. If you have both agreed that it’s going to happen and that it’s a natural part of the process, you are both much less likely to believe that you did something wrong when it does inevitably happen.

In addition, having a plan for what to do when resistance happens will help both of you navigate through this challenging situation more safely.

A word of caution: Most people who want to be spanked have fantasies in which they resist the spanking and are forced to take it anyway. Your partner may fantasize that you will verbally force her to continue (“If you don’t bend back over, you’ll get another spanking after this one.”), or physically force her back into position, or even tie her up or otherwise restrain her so she has no choice but to take her spanking.

Resistance fantasies can be tremendously exciting, but especially at the beginning of a spanking relationship, they can also be unrealistic and dangerous. If your partner suggests that you force her to take the spanking even if she resists, my strong recommendation is not to agree to this well-meaning suggestion.

You can probably already see why forcing her to submit to a spanking early in your relationship would be a bad, bad idea.

Remember that section earlier in the book about keeping yourself safe? (see Chapter 1, “Keeping Yourself Safe”) Forcing your partner to take a spanking before you have lots (and lots!) of experience spanking her puts you in a dangerous situation.

First of all, you may risk legal liability if she decides that a consensual spanking has turned into non-consensual abuse. Second, the emotional damage to you that could come from forcing someone you love to submit to what is essentially a beating can have serious psychological effects on you. You may experience feelings of guilt and concerns that you have turned into an abuser for forcing her into a spanking.

Your partner probably won’t fare much better in the forced submission scenario. Though it sounds romantic and exciting, being forced into taking a spanking will likely activate her “fight or flight” instinct. Her lizard brain will likely interpret her resistance as an indication that her survival is being threatened, and instead of feeling good feelings of endorphins, she is likely to feel the terror and panic of a “fight-for-your-life” adrenaline rush.

In short, forcing a woman to submit to a spanking when she doesn’t want to is about on par with giving a cat a bath. The cat will retreat to a corner, hissing and spitting, you’ll probably wind up scratched and bloody, and when all is said and done, the cat still won’t get the bath. It’s a lot of trouble with no real results.

Neither of you needs that aggravation and pain. Which is why the plan of forcing her to submit if she resists is probably an unwise plan until you both know each other a lot better.

And finally, when resistance happens, it’s important that you both take the time to reassure one another that there is no cause for guilt or shame. She may need help seeing that you aren’t taking her resistance as some sort of proof that she doesn’t really want spankings or that she’s a failure at something that means so much to her.

In addition – and this is key – it’s probably vital that you not let her out of the spanking entirely just because she resisted. Remember, whatever happened, she almost certainly still wants consistency and follow-through (see Spanking Desire #3). That means she doesn’t want to be let out of the spanking, even if she resists in the moment. Make it clear to her that while you understand her resistance, she still has a spanking coming and you intend to give it to her. She may need a few minutes, a few hours or a day to gather her courage back up (you’ll need to determine the time frame), but the spanking is non-negotiable. She will love you for it.


  1. "Finally, especially at the beginning of your spanking activity, your partner may find herself surprised by how painful spankings are.”

    I’m not one to inflict a great deal (or any) pain when spanking my girl. I am a sensualist not sadist (not that all spankers are sadistic…ok, maybe a bit), and have my own way to administer that which my girl both needs and adores. Ours is a method of mainly focused on putting each in that place they wish to inhabit both for themselves and ourselves.

    It calms her and calms me.

    I was pointed toward ’The Kind Dom’ by The Beautiful Kind in my search for fellow sensualists (most difficult to find in this S/M inundated blogosphere). If you know of non-S/M, D/s blogs that are favorites, I would welcome suggestion. Such writers seem difficult if not impossible to find.

    Here is my post on our particular brand of little-pain spanking:


    Thanks so much, I’ll start at post one of the Kind Dom, and when time allows work my way through, then come here (that’s a big ‘IF’ on the time factor).



  2. My husband and I have never ever used a safe word, which may be silly, or just very trusting. Sometimes he spanks me for "real" - sometimes it's for play. I used to be able to wiggle my way out of it, meaning that if it was really starting to hurt, I would kick and plead and wiggle and eventually he would slow down the tempo a bit and I could just *tell* he was giving me a lighter spanking than he' planned. So he would just pay attention to my cues.

    Then eventually as he got to know me better fewer things became acceptable: no more squirming or using my hands to stop the spanking, or turning over. The only thing that would work would be flat out begging and telling him I had learned my lesson. And if he didn't agree, then compliance - just lying there and taking it until he was done.

  3. Thank you anonymous for your personal and fascinating comment. You don't pass judgement on whether you think this was right or not. How did you come to cope with just having to take it. Did you gain anything from it? Has it become non-consensual?

    You also write a little as if this was in the past - or do you still take such spankings?

    Best wishes


  4. I just started my own blog of opinions on marriage. I have to respectfully disagree with telling a wife she will get a spanking evetually whether she wants it or not. Because if she decides she never wants it she could just walk out and never come back. My wife would. I will never ue spankings to hurt my wife or to teach her to be submissive. I like my woman in control and bossy.

    Also she is the type where if she was to cry and beg to be let out of a spanking and I gave it to her evetually anyway it would break both our hearts. I always would have to let her out of one or I would loose her. I agree with the cat thing. My wife would beat the crap out of me and I am way stronger than her if I tried to force her to submit to a spanking. I have heard some HOH on blogs say they would tell their subs she will submit to a spanking even if she doesn't want to and if she walked out she would get it worse, I think that is wrong. Unless she tells him that is how she wants it. I am dominate in bed because thats when my wife wants me dominate. But I would cry and panic if I caused her pain myself. She is my angel and I always do whatever I can to make her pain stop. So for me to spank her would do no good I would just turn around and make it stop.

    I wish every women would fight back when they really and truly don't want a spanking then it would show who the real boss should be. And anyone can read my blog and comment. I will be posting more in the next week. But I think a lot of men HOHs won't like what have to say and I don't care. My wife is the most important thing to me. I will never cause her physical pain even if she was to do something horrible to us or herself.


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