Friday, June 18, 2010

avoiding abusive Doms

On my Pygar blog there have been a number of discussions about the issue of abuse and how it is distinguished from Dominance. In a comment to a recent post:

Anonymous said... as a newbie sub, I would appreciate any advice you could give as to how to avoid the abusers...especially when the starting point is meeting online?

That of course is the difficult question. How can one ever know? Does initial online contact make this problem worse rather than easier?

Online anyone can pretend to be anyone they want to I suppose - but I have to say that I have got to know many good people online. I have found that people I have met from my blogs rather than from contact sites have all been genuine. Perhaps it is more difficult to keep up a false facade on an ongoing blog than to maintain a false profile on a contact site.

So perhaps one answer might be to start a blog about your own needs and desires and see if you make friends. Those friendships could turn into something more.

Having said this I have also met some good people through contact sites - one of whom then started her own blog and is a good online friend.

In the end though you will need to trust to your own instincts. Because someone claims to be a Dom it does not mean you have to accept their control and give up your common sense. Trust can take some time to earn and an understanding Dom should realise this. be careful though - I have found that online relationships can become very intense very quickly. Perhaps even more so than real-time ones. So keep your sense of perspective and common sense and ensure that Dom's you meet spend time to earn your trust and respect and recognise the preciousness of the gift you bring.

What do others think? Any tips or advice?

I am sure other subs might have some useful contributions from their own experience.


  1. "I have found that online relationships can become very intense very quickly." This bears repeating.

    My best advice is to slow down and trust your instinct. I realize, and most guys-posing-as-doms also realize, that if you're submissive you're going to be inclined to let the pace be set for you. In my circle of online friends, almost all of us have been cautious to be friends first, and see what develops. It's much easier to get to know someone as a friend, to watch how they interact with others, and to base your knowledge on their dominance (or faking of) on that.

    Most posing-doms seem to avoid interacting with more than just their chosen prey. So, trust your instinct. If you're still getting to know each other and he's singling you out, that might not be a bad thing, but it'd definitely make me wonder. It's mostly common sense stuff like that, in my opinion. Abusers and posers tend to be easy to spot that way. The real doms, at least the ones I've seen, interact more with everyone, even if they do have their eye on one person in particular.

    I think that whole bit may read as a little jumbled, but those are the two bits of advice about online interaction, any interactions not just power exchange, that have worked best for me. Trust your instinct and don't allow things to move along too quickly.

  2. Why not try reading this:

    I’ve had many tell me it helped them greatly…

    Good Luck,


  3. Thank you B

    The link is very informative and I have already forwarded it to another correspondent who has emailed me for advice.



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