Friday, July 9, 2010

A sub's misconceptions about Doms

I have had the following email from M. I wonder if others have more ideas about how to persuade his sub friend that Doms do have feelings and an ability to love - if you too believe that to be the case.

I'm a 40 year old black professional male. Married for ten years with two kids. The past couple of years however I've been yearning for more and have gone considerably to the D/s lifestyle.

As of now, I'm in the midst of a very powerful relationship (currently long-distance and online) in which things are progressing considerably. Since she is fairly young, she has what I believe are several misperceptions about the lifestyle. The biggest one is that Doms are devoid of feelings or don't have an ability to love.

I was wondering your thoughts about this.

Thanks in advance.


I wonder M if some of those misconceptions come from experience or just a misconception from the outside? But if she does believe that is the case then why would she want a relationship with a Dom unless she wishes to be used in an unfeeling way? There are subs who do crave such treatment.

However I am assuming that she does want a loving relationship with a Dom and needs reassurance that Doms are capable of such feeling and want to nurture and care for their sub.

In my own experience and those of other couples I know their D/s relationships are invariably loving. There is something about the commitment of D/s that provides a greater emotional intensity rather than a less emotional one.

I think if she were to read the comments by Doms on my Pygar - A Kind Dom blog she would recognise people who have genuine feelings and who care for and love their subs. Perhaps she might then follow on to read some of their blogs too. Though reading blogs by subs where they describe the nature of their relationships can also give a flavour of this.

Good luck to you both.


  1. A Dom who thinks of a woman as an object is doomed to failure. A Dom is a person. Many men are unfeeling. Some Doms are probably in it for the sheer sense of power and control and unwilling or unable to give back. But as Pygar notes, any true Dom will not only have great respect for the gift of submission, but he will also truly love and care for his subbie, realizing she is probably more vulnerable than your average woman. As many have said, the basic elements of any relationship are still there--without love, Domming is doomed to failure--but in the D/s relationship. feelings on both sides tend to be more intense, in my opinion.

  2. Thank you Tom for taking time to add a thoughtful comment.

    I am sorry though M that we have not had more comments. Good luck to you.

    - P

  3. The only answer, it would seem, is an open conversation. My Sir and I have had similar conversations and I see it as a part of the evolution of our relationship.

    Admittedly ours is different as Sir has several subs and I am married, so entering the dynamic there were possibly lesser expectations on my part about the level to which emotions would interplay. I went in with the expectation of a purely physical interaction and I guess saw Sir as somewhat of a mysterious figure. To be honest I did not want to know about him or his life, who he was. At the start I felt it would take away from what I wanted from him. I wanted the physical, sexual side of our dynamic and did not want the emotional burden.

    Somehow (in quite a short space of time) our dynamic has shifted and I find myself drawn in on a multitude of levels, as is he with me. It is not like a "normal" relationship in the sense of moving towards something more, building a life together etc etc for us. There are no expectations of it progressing beyond what it is, which is primarily about sex, however it is certainly not just restricted to the bedroom. Moreover I can see we are developing quite a good friendship, outside the scope of what it is we "do".

    One of my concerns was balancing my marriage with this other relationship. Somehow divorcing the emotion from the purely sexual D/s seemed like it would be more palatable for myself and my husband, who is aware of Sir and I would even go so far as to say supportive. For me it is just like any other friendship. Both my husband and I are secure in our relationship.

    I do wonder however, if the young girl you have been talking with has ever been with anyone in a D/s relationship before and if so under what parameters. I know for myself, that at first the fantasy of who Sir was was more appealing to me than trying to find out the actuality. Because I wanted so badly for him to dominate me, I almost could not bear the thought that he was a real person as I believed it would detract (selfish, I know) from what it was I wanted from him.

    The other thing I wonder is whether she sees this as purely sexual (no emotional relationship available) because you are married.

    At the end of the day you just need to speak with her openly and honestly, answer her questions, pose some of your own.

  4. Thank you Just a Taste for adding to this. It is not an easy one to answer but I think your contribution is really helpful.



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