Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"a virgin sub"

I have just received the following email:


I have a question for you and I am hoping that you can help me out.

I am a virgin sub. I have been “shopping” around, online (rolling eyes and sighing) for a Dom or Master who can train me. I have not had an easy time but have “met” someone that I have been talking to for about 2 months. He is very unique and has gotten me to grow in a couple of areas that vanilla men have not. However, I have some concerns about this man.

I will not bother you with some of them because some things are common sense to me. But this question deals with the particulars of BDSM.

I am was asked to go out and buy some clothes pins. I did not knowing what to do but had an idea. He is Long distance by the way so we IM a lot or text. We talk on the phone every now and then.

He asked me to web cam him. I indicated that I did not feel comfortable doing so. He indicated that he wanted to cam so he could show me how to use them without me hurting myself or damaging a nerve. I was very apprehensive about this.

First, I do not feel comfortable doing this at all. Why?

My thinking is that he has been trained, he has been, so he should be the one to do this.
1. I do not know my level of pain yet, I ‘THINK’ I am a masochist but do not know at what level. The pins to ME look more painful than a hand spanking, I have not had that yet.

2. I would like to think as a Dom or Master, he would like to have the opportunity to introduce this to me after he has actually played with me? I do not know am I being immature about this? We have not met yet, and sure as I stated he has taken me through some levels over the phone or through IM or what have you but nothing face to face. Not over a web cam!

I need your help in sorting this out. At what point does a Dom or Master wish or desire to get his hands on a trainee or mentee? I read about 2 to 3 months after meeting, but I know this is NOT written in stone it depends on the people involved. He hasn’t mentioned meeting yet at all. I do know that he is married, separated, living in separate domains, he has a live etc but I feel like, he could be a bit more energetically forth coming.

At this point, I am ready to give up! I have discovered this aspect of myself by “mistake” (are there truly any in life?)
I am 39 and feeling like I am too old! LOL. I look at the GIRLS on and just drool with envy.

How does a woman, who is professional, healthy, loving and submissive meet the Master of her dreams. LOL.

Thanks for listening if nothing else.


My reply is here:

Dear Cougar

Thank you for your email.

In the end D/s relationships are built on trust - and this is especially important when one is trying out some BDSM activities for the first time. I can sense you are nervous as you are new to all this - but there also seems to be a certain lack of trust or communication between you and your online Master.

You say he has been "trained" but few are trained as a Master. The Dominant part is something one discovers in a similar way to how subs such as yourself discover their nature and begin to explore it. With BDSM activities though - there are dangers and any responsible Master will ensure he learns properly how to carry out specific activities safely.

There are many websites where one can get good information. There is no reason why you too should not do some Googling in relation to safety of activities if ever you are concerned. I doubt you will come to much harm with clothes pins. But they can hurt a lot - some though find they cope well with such pain - others less so. Because you are discovering your submissive nature does not mean you are a masochist and into pain. Though many subs who are not into pain enjoy such activities because it emphasises that they are controlled and serving their Master thus enhancing their submissive feelings.

But it seems to me at the moment that your Master is not skilled perhaps in the psychological and emotional aspect of recognising the anticipation, trepidation and even fear of a new or "virgin" sub as you put it. It is important that you discuss your fears with him honestly and openly and do not get bullied into doing what is not right for your own development.

It is interesting that you watch some of the videos. Some of those are quite severe and certainly not what a new and nervous sub would start off with! But if that is where you want to get to then I am sure there will be many willing Masters to help you make progress. The art is in finding a skilled one who you trust.

At 39 you are certainly not too old. Earlier on this blog you will see a letter from another sub there younger than you who also felt she was getting too old. But I know many who have only discovered their submission as they get older and there are many Doms who will be delighted to meet you. How does one meet the Master of one's dreams? Well often by chance I suppose but I have found many kind people through blogging.

Good luck - and make sure as a "professional, healthy, loving and submissive" woman that you find a Master who deserves such a precious gift.

Do let us know how you get on.

Kindest regards

Pygar xxxx

I wonder what further advice readers can give?


  1. My advice may be unpopular, but it is to step back from the situation and evaluate this "Master" for whether he is the person you need or if he is the "closest" thing and you are trying to make do because it seems to be so hard to find a Dom with all those who are out there just playing around...

    I had a bad experience with my first "Dom" - and I use the word lightly because in the end he was simply manipulating me for his own benefit and wasn't giving me orders based on what was going to help me grow...

    Your instinct is saying not to use the webcam right now for this, and I think it is right. I made the mistake of using the webcam with my first "Dom" and it was always one sided. I have big regrets over this - I never saw my first "Dom" IRL on the cam. D/s relationships are not one sided, and in order for real trust to exist he does need to give a little something of himself.

    You should not be asked or expected to blindly trust without having had a chance to get to know him inside out first. As a new sub, it is very easy to let emotional need overcome logic, and that can put you in a dangerous position - if not physically, then emotionally.

    It sounds like meeting is very important to you - so meet him in person first. Don't let him make excuses or try to convince you that you need to demonstrate your committment over webcam to him first.

    DO ask to video chat with him in just a "getting-to-know-you" kind of way. Do expect that he will listen to any initial "no's" you may have, and that they will be addressed or that he will be willing to wait until you are comfortable.

    Submission is a gift sweetie, and being a submissive is a wonderful wonderful thing. But giving it to the wrong person can make life difficult and creates a one-sided attachment that is very hard to break even once you recognize it as being one-sided and unhealthy.

    Many people see D/s simply as the submissive giving, but what is often not said in the early learning process is that the Dom gets satisfaction out of controlling the submissive in a way that satisfies her own needs. Yes, he gets pleasure from controlling the submissive - yes, he may use the submissive for his own pleasure - but ultimately, it is a Dom's responsibility to look out for his submissive. A submissive is a treasure who needs and deserves a certain level of respect. And if he's pushing your boundaries at this early stage - especially if he's not willing to compromise and simply postpone, then he's someone you should run away from.

    I realize that I am giving you advice that is somewhat tainted by my own bad experience, but it has made me aware of just how powerful the webcam can be - just how powerful submission is. And how hurtful it can be when the Dom is not looking out for the submissive's best interests. As a new sub you may become attached more easily, and that makes it important that the other person is safe. Right now I think you need to listen to yourself - you think there's a few things not seeming right, and you need to trust that instinct.

    And as Pygar said, I don't think there is such a thing as being "too old." Just take your time and don't push your concerns out of your mind. And if you can? Assuming you're looking for a long term permanent/loving relationship? Find someone relatively local - less than an hour or two commute - and someone who is also wanting to commit to the right person and meet regularly.

    Best wishes and good luck to you.


  2. Not only do I agree with Emilie, but I empathize with her.

    I was in the same situation once, too. He wasn't a Dom, he was a maniac, looking to fill his own egotistical needs. (I have a blog entry about it, its a heart-breaker.)

    But you may need to step back and evaluate the entire thing.

    Remember the Shel Silverstien book, "the missing piece"? The D/s, M/s world is kind of like that. There's a Dom out there for you. This particular man may not be him.

    But he very well may be, who am I to judge?

    But in my expierence, he's not exactly using much tact.

    Personally, for me, when A wants to introduce something new to me, hes very "back door" about the whole thing. He'll send me pictures, or ask me, "Hey have you heard about THIS..."

    If I'm not familiar with it, I'll go do some research and form an opinion on it. Then I tell A why I feel the way I do anout it.

    And 100% of the time, hes okay with whatever I say.

    I think thats the best way to do this. While I still have nerves about stuff, it's become my decision to do WHATEVER IT IS, and that makes it easier to swallow (no pun intended).

    I can say, with ALL certainty in the world that I trust A implicitly.

    And if you can't sit back and say "I trust SAID DOM implicitly" then it might not be in your best interest to be following his instrctions, ESCPECIALLY if they are on a subject you arent completely sold on, such as paiunful play.

    As far as that goes, if you don't KNOW if you are a masochist, you might need to rethink that.

    Do I like my ass to be spanked? YOU BETCHA!!!
    Am I a masochist? HELL TO THE NO.

    And if you are, again, its up to YOU to decide where your pain threshold is. If you look at the clothespins and say "ouch" (even in your brain) then CLEARLY, your subpsyche is telling you that you AREN'T ready for this yet.

    Your Dom can be telling you anything he wants with his mouth, but his actions will tell you more. (the fact that you haven'tplayed face-to-face is kind of a small red flag for me...but whatever).


  3. I absolutely second what Emilie and Jen have to say.

    You know the difference between nervous anticipation and something just plain feeling hinky.
    If it's hinky, Don't Do It.
    If he doesn't understand your reservations, then you're not clicking on some fundamental level and he's not the right guy.

    So you may have to wait a while longer. If you go against your instincts, you'll just do damage.
    No Damage, please!

    Also - Get over the feeling old thing.
    I dated far more men in their 30's during the last 5 years of my 40's than I did during my own 30's. Age is just numbers and the good ones don't give a hoot.

  4. I'm sitting here in awe of the comments so far. Just reading and learning from the wise words.

    Thank you all.


  5. I am so very thankful for all of your comments. I appreciate every voice and word of wisdom! I needed to hear what I already know.

    The situation is a lot more complex than what I wrote here but the advice is universal. It makes these words of wisdom resonate to the highest heavens!!

    He is NOT THE dom for me! I have cried my tears of frustration and licked my wounds.

    I am seriously considering going to some local munches and parties to meet people and make some friends. I like that idea very much.

    I look forward to my journey of profound discovery.

    I agree! "No Damage!"

    Thank you so much again!


  6. "I needed to hear what I already know."

    Yes that is often the case for us all - but it is good to have one's feelings and thoughts confirmed by others. You have been given such good and thoughtful advice from those who have commented. I am pleased you too have found their words helpful and are confident in moving on.

    I think the idea of local munches - to meet people as friends first and foremost - is a very good idea.

    Enjoy your journey of discovery - and perhaps one day you will come back here and tell us all about it!

    Good luck Cougar/Priestess_Shama


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