Wednesday, December 8, 2010

How can I learn how to be a Dom?


My wife has had a successful D/s background, I have not and had a very staid previous set of conventional relationships. Her background includes an abusive mother, a father who died in her infancy, a rape, she is more than entitled to have dark and erotic sexual feelings. I am relatively gentle man, although large (6 5, 17 stone) and strong. Always taught to treat women with respect, care and gentleness in the bedroom. That doesn't work as well as it should for us. My wife enjoys rough sex, being treated as a slut,

We fell in love and were doing well, but other areas of our relationship are suffering. Whereas the lack of D/s in our lives was a nice to have that we didn't have - now I feel it's important to save our marriage, stop he being bored, ultimately leaving. I am an intelligent, successful man. I can learn and want to build on the conventional passion that is within me, but push through what currently needs conscious thought and put into into routine - if I can be so cold.

I have read and read, so much on the internet is people's opinion, experience. Does there exist a clear guide to being a D? Something that uses clear English, with examples of behaviours (she does not like or enjoy pain over that of a gentle spanking) such that I grow? She has talked of the way that I can hold her face, how I can act - but I sense her desire not to have to teach me, that is for me to grow into.

Any advice or reading you can share?

With thanks



Dear N

I know a few subs who have similar desires to your wife but who have husbands like yourself who have problems with this. One in particular described her husband very much like you as someone who was, "always taught to treat women with respect, care and gentleness in the bedroom." I do understand how this is an issue - but you are looking for ways to address it. You want to make it work and I feel from your mail that she does too.

Firstly though - I do not believe that there is a "right" way to be a Dom - any more than there is a "right" way to be a sub. What is important though is that you are each able to communicate your needs and desires and work hard to meet each others. So yes - it might be that sometimes you treat your wife more "roughly" than you may feel is right - but in a context where this is just sexual play. It can work well because she knows you are a caring and gentle person. That care and gentleness will be so effective at the end of such a scene where you hold and support one another.

It is your care and love for her and need to also express your gentleness that will distinguish between your play together and the abuse she has suffered in the past. It is good to look on the internet and perhaps find fantasies that you can act out together - but you need to find a way of finding fantasies that you can indulge in together. Part of your Domination of her can be that she carries out what you desire - helping to fulfil your own fantasies.

Perhaps she could direct you to some erotic fiction that she finds arousing - and you to her - so that you can each get a feel for each others desires. Then look for safe ways to investigate such fantasies - being prepared for them to sometimes go wrong but knowing you are each prepared to try again.

Do try. You clearly feel your marriage is at risk. Good communication is a start. Be prepared to review how things go - without blame - just thankful that each of you is trying.

Good luck!

Best wishes



I am not sure I have really answered N's question - or have just put my own gloss on it. Perhaps others can offer better advice - from the Dom's or sub's perspective. I know many others have struggled with such issues and can perhaps give advice from your own direct experience.


  1. You sound like an intelligent and successful man. I suspect that a good starting point for you might be in the area of assertiveness. Being dominant and assertive does not mean a lack of respect, care and gentleness. I have found that woman really respect a man who can be tender and affectionate, which it sounds like you are, but who are also assertive and "know what they want."

    You say you are an intelligent and successful man, and I would ask you what about you in your business and professional life brings about that result? I would bet it is certainty, directness, wit, acumen, a clear perspective on what needs to be done, and how to proceed toward a desired result.

    I will suggest to you that if you brought that that attitude and competence home, were more demonstrative and determinded in your interactions with your wife, she would respond in a very positive way. Do not be tentative, be less diferential and just go about things as if you knew exactly what you wanted and went for it.

    All of the BDSM and D/s technique in the world is trappings, unless you have a dominant posture and that is quite simply a matter of certainty, determination and leadership.

  2. PS
    I am sure you have heard the saying, and it is very true in a D/s relationship as well:

    Failure is not making the wrong decision, failure is not making a decision.

  3. Time for the sub to chime in... (with permission of all the Doms involved of course!)

    I so agree that communication is the key that will unlock most of the doors. If you fail at communication then there is little hope for any sort of relationship.

    Communication is necessary for all growth...whether together or parallel. If one or both refuses to address issues, dreams, or even histories, then there is the opportunity for things to arise and cause strife. Talk without judgment or fear. If you sense, she is not receptive, plant the idea and return to it at another time. Seeds sprout and grow with nurturing. (Monkey is quite good at this.)

    Now with that said...I would like to share a few things that bring me pleasure. Monkey has full control of every aspect of my life. I have to ask permission to play with others. (Got this one down, he rarely says no!) I have to ask to spend frivolously (this is a work in progress, got lectured for an oil change at a quik lube instead of walmart). I have given him control over every aspect of my life, but he has not assumed all the roles as of yet. He gives me challenges, both physical and mental, sometimes even sexual. I like the challenges. I feel they give me the opportunity to grow in various areas. I guess the best way to put it is that he does stimulate me mind, body, and soul. I need and crave that multiple level stimulation.

    I hope that this helps in some little way. A submissive marriage would be my idea of utopia! Best of luck as you grow together.


  4. Wow, N, this sounds exactly like something my boyfriend would have said 2 years ago (minus the part about being married)!

    I guess I have a few suggestions based on what worked for us:

    Don't feel like you need to suddenly become her perfect Dom overnight and don't feel like you need to be 24/7, especially at the beginning. That'll just make you nervous and frustrated and make the whole experience stressful instead of fun for both of you.

    One problem we had at first was that although bottoming was MY fantasy, what I really wanted was to let HIM live out his own. What I mean is: sure, I love being tied up, spanked, and ordered around...but not nearly as much as I love it when I know I'm doing something because HE enjoys it. I was basically giving him permission to be a greedy bastard and he was too afraid of offending me to take advantage of the offer ;)

    Actually, our problem was that he really didn't know what he wanted...or rather, he didn't know what he was missing. Sounds like maybe you're having the same issue? You seem to be focusing a lot on what she wants (which is good), but don't forget that it's also about what YOU want. I'd say, try out lots of different stuff once or twice and talk about it each time. When you find something that works for BOTH of you, just build on that until you start feeling comfortable in your roles.

    Hope that was somewhat coherent...

  5. This is all good stuff but I wish there was things about the other way around. My wife doesn't like any of this done to her but I am in heaven when she does it to me. I am not submissive and neither is she built to be a dominant. Maybe we are strange but I really love it the way it is.


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