Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Could converting to a D/s relationship ruin a wonderful friendship?

George has written this interesting email:

Hi there. I recently became involved with a beautiful girl who has fulfilled all the things I ever wanted in a woman. Smart, funny, driven, loving, and so forth. The feelings are reciprocal too, which is an amazing feeling. I feel extremely lucky. (The number of times I unthinkingly used the word "feel" or "feeling" should be an indicator of how happy I am.)

A couple of weeks ago, she revealed to me that she is what to me (as an outsider to the BDSM community, with all my stereotypes that come from benign ignorance) seems to be a "textbook" sub. She wants to submit completely to me sexually, let me humiliate and degrade her, take her completely in my thrall, have her will subsumed by mine. We have done some light D/s play with ordering her to do this or that act, light slapping of various parts, hair-pulling, responsible choking, and so forth. However. :) There is always a however.

While on one level I find this profoundly erotic, sexually satisfying in a way I have never been sexually satisfied, it also frightens me a little bit. When I was married to my ex-wife we did some of this "light" BDSM but I never really unleashed this Dom facet that I know is inside my brain to the extent my beautiful girlfriend needs me to. She is amazing in so many ways; emotionally healthy; upbeat. I am afraid "converting" to a D/s-type relationship will ... I don't know, ruin things? How do I balance dominating this girl who I love very much, and by whom I am so perfectly loved, with a D/s sexual relationship? I think that she truly needs to be dominated to be sexually fulfilled. She had a very difficult upbringing in that she was forced to grow up early. Giving up her control and surrendering to the world gives her the relief from her responsibility she needs. I am more than happy to do this for her. But I don't want to lose the hand-holding, kissing, laughing sweetness of a traditional relationship which I take so much pleasure in.

When I say I am "happy to do this for her," I mean it is very sexually satisfying for me as well. I'm not just doing this because she wants me to. I do it because it is something I enjoy as well.

I work hard to be very nice, respectful, considerate in my life without allowing myself to be a doormat. It is nice to unleash my inner Type A in a way I know it will be appreciated and respected.

Can you please provide some input on maintaining a healthy long-term relationship with aggressive D/s features.


I found George's email very interesting. He seems to be a lucky man!

I replied in the following manner:

I really do not think you need to worry at all. She is enjoying this approach and you have discovered in yourself a satisfaction you have never felt before. So do keep to it. I think it will strengthen your relationship not harm it.

You are worried that you may lose the gentleness, care and tenderness that you see as part of your relationship. A healthy and essential part of it. You are right to want to keep this. However I believe that side can be even stronger in a D/s relationship. There is great tenderness in comforting, calming and loving a sub after a hard scene. I think such tenderness is perhaps rare in a normal relationship. There is a real need for such comfort and care. It is very loving.

In my most intense real time relationship, with a sub who was very submissive and perhaps even masochistic, we would walk hand in hand sharing our love and care for each other like any loving couple. There may be those who insist their sub walk two paces behind them. There may be a place for such activity at times but there is no need to lose the tenderness from your relationship. I think that was part of the reason for setting up the original Pygar blog - as a kind Dom. It may seem a contradiction. However the popularity of Pygar's blog has shown that it is an approach that is welcomed by many subs and Doms. I hope it works for you both.

If it doesn't and your girlfriend wants something different - then you will need to talk openly and discuss what will work for both of you. But as the dominant partner she may welcome you deciding how you want the domination to work and being clear about it - whilst ensuring you are meeting as many of her needs as possible.

You have discovered the other side of a strong and powerful person who craves giving responsibility to someone else for a while. There are many powerful men who pay to visit Dominatrices to enable them to give up their power and responsibility for a while - to have someone else take control and care for them.

So taking control of your girlfriend is truly caring for her. Relieving her of her responsibilities is an act of love. You are both gaining satisfaction from it. The only "right way" in D/s is the one that works for both of you.

Enjoy. Have fun. Be happy.

Good luck!!!!

George and I would both be interested in input from other readers. What do you think?


  1. I can only parrot your words, and let George know I am of a like mind and concur with everything said here. If nothing else I will affirm that love and tenderness is not sacrificed with the deepening of a D/s relationship. If fact I think the duality further enriches the conection.

  2. Thank you David. I like your remark that, "In fact I think the duality further enriches the connection." My turn to agree with you!

    - P

  3. I think the only thing I would add is that there is no "right" way to do D/s. George's relationship is built on love and caring and that will only grow stronger. In fact, as mentioned, I think D/s will strengthen it because it will give it another layer with an even deeper bond.

    One question I did have is whether the D/s was intended to be primarily in the bedroom with perhaps some carry-over of small things, or whether it was a 24/7 total power exchange relationship that they're looking towards. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter - love and tenderness is there for both. But it may help George see that D/s is part of a relationship and doesn't define the relationship.

    Perhaps that's where some people go wrong - using D/s to define a relationship instead of making it part of the relationship?

  4. Excellent point emilie, D/s is not the relationship, D/s is something people do in a relationship.

  5. Emilie, as always, I agree! D/s is an aspect of a relations, and a deeply psycological aspect at that.

    I believe, and I may be wrong (and I'm okay with that), but but since it is so cerebral in nature, that connections TEND to run a little deeper in D/s relationships.

    And when you take that deep connection with you everywhere else, i/e the lake, the movies, dinner, what have you, you tend to continue to connect.

    In my opinion, its beneficial to keep D/s as only an ASPECT of your relationship, to keep it interesting. I mean, if you eat strawberry ice cream all day every day at some point you're going to get tired of strawberry ice cream.

    But if you only eat strawberry ice cream at certian times, you'll continue your love for strawberry ice cream, and get that happy THRILL that keeps you running to the freezer for your wonderful little treat. :)

    Again, just my opinion! :)

  6. But God I do love Strawberry Ice Cream!

  7. My Master and I have a very balanced relationship, I am a sub.. not a slave... so yes I love the control he takes over me sexually... but the 24 hour thing isn't for us... we discussed this from the beginning...

    A D/s lifestyles doesn't mean that you will lose all that cuddling and hand holding...

    Emilie I 100% agree with you: "I think D/s will strengthen it because it will give it another layer with an even deeper bond."

    I was in a very long relationship with my ex... it put the V in vanilla, (I never told him about my sub side) we never shared the intensity, love, trust and understanding that my Master and I do... D/s has intensified our relationship onto a completely different and more fantastic realm than I ever thought possible.

    M :o)

  8. Thank you very much Molly for adding to this from your own experience. I am pleased that your relationship is working out so well for you.

    Revisiting this post today has made me realise that I had not thanked Emilie, Jen and David for their thoughtful contributions. I am pleased too that we are all in agreement about strawberry ice cream!



  9. George's message effectively sums up the conversation I have been having with myself for weeks now. Thank you so much for posting this, it has set my mind at rest.

  10. To think D/s is deeper or more profound than other relationship is narcissism and hubris.

  11. I am very pleased Anonymous June 16 that George's messag set your mind at rest.

    I am sorry though Anonymous September 26 if you have found the discussion less enlightening. I will use your comment as the stimulus for a new post on A Kind Dom. I hope you may join in the discussion there.

    - P


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