Thursday, April 14, 2016

so lost

I have received this email from Janet. She feels so very lost. Can you help her find her way forward?

I've been trying to talk to friends and Samaritans about what I did, but it's just not helping.

I've been trying to talk to my boyfriend ( of about 6 years) that I want to explore polyamory. It's been tricky but we were getting somewhere, slowly but surely. I've also developed an intense attraction to a man who is currently in another country, I think it's part of what prompted me to talk more about polyamory. I've had these feelings for years long before I even met my boyfriend but tried to ignore them.

I caved I was on a night out for the first time in a long and I got a little drunk and kissed two of my female friends. While this happened I was sending very flirtatious messages to the other man. A few days later even though my boyfriend forgave me for kissing my friends I couldn't help it, for weeks it had been building up and I had text sex with the other man... Text sex hasn't done much for me in years but this did! It really did and in the middle of things I called him Master.

My boyfriend found out, even though I deleted the conversations. He's been very depressed ever since. I've tried explaining to him that I don't love him any less, that there is nothing he's not doing for me. I can't bring myself to say "He appeals to a side of me you just cant understand." 
We've agreed to go to counseling and he's finally calming down so I can try and tell him how I feel. Although I'm not sure what good it will do because he's admitted he would never have be willing to let me explore my sexuality at all with another man, only a woman. But how, how the hell do I explain why I'm upset he wont let me talk to him anymore? I love my boyfriend but I feel like I'm in pain without Master.

I feel so guilty for what I've done and I want to mend my relationship, but there are times I can't be around my boyfriend. I feel trapped and restrained. I know this is an awful, awful thing to say... But I resent him for it.

I also have no idea how to tell him that when I slept with him after the text sex but before he found out that it wasn't out of guilt. I felt alive! But when he touches me now there are times I just can't...

Any and all help appreciated.

My reply was:

You do sound as if you are finding a resolution to your current dilemmas very hard. You love your boyfriend but you know there are other aspects to your personality that you are not developing and expressing. You are unfulfilled and you can see a future that is not going to work for you. It is making you feel guilty, trapped and resentful. These are very difficult decisions. In the end they are decisions that only you can make. However even finding the words to write about the issues can sometimes help get them straight in your own mind. I hope that the very act of writing has been helpful. 

The key issue is that you have desires and needs that your boyfriend cannot or does not wish to meet. You need a polyamorous relationship yet he feels very threatened by that. I am sure many men would feel the same when a beautiful girlfriend expressed a need to have sex with other men. To be able to reassure him you will need to try to understand what his feelings and fears are. He may be very confused and frightened of losing you. The fact that you have gone to relationship therapy together to try to resolve it shows a commitment and willingness to understand the other on the part of both of you which is very positive.

I hope you do find a way of resolving these issues but it may be very difficult. I know a number of women who are in marriages and long term relationships where they have submissive needs that are not being met by their husband. Some of them put up with the situation. Others develop a secret life. Whichever they chose they are all unhappy in varying degrees. You will find some questions from women in this situation on Uncle Agony I think. So my worry is that if you do not resolve this situation with your boyfriend now and try to be faithful to him then in the longer term you too may experience this long term unhappiness.

There seem to be two issues. One is the polyamory and the other seems to be a bdsm aspect. You have called your new man "Master" so I am assuming that you are also exploring submissive or bdsm experiences with him. There are two aspects here that have a desire for and have not yet had the opportunity to explore and experience fully. It may only be that through a fuller exploration you will discover what your true needs are. The problem then is trying to find someone to fulfill them. That could be your boyfriend if he is prepared to go on this journey with you. At the moment though he seems frightened by it and frightened of losing you. Though if he is not prepared to go at least half way then he may lose you anyway.

First of all the polyamory issue. I wonder if you are looking for polyamorous relationships or polysexual ones? There is a big difference. I discussed this on the A Kind Dom blog here:

Are you truly looking for a relationship of several people with a close emotional bond or are you looking for a wider variety of sexual encounters? The latter might be closer to "swinging". Is it partly that you would like to explore further your burgeoning bisexuality? Your boyfriend seems happier about you having relationships with other women. Might that be a place to start? If you found a broadminded female friend perhaps your boyfriend might be interested in joining your relationship. If the polyamory or polysexuality started in this way then perhaps your boyfriend might become happier about you also meeting with men if he was reassured about the context and a lack of threat to your own relationship. We men are very fragile creatures emotionally despite our hard outer shell! He may need lots of reassurance.

There have been a number of other discussions on A Kind Dom about plolyamory some of which link to articles. You may find them useful reading. They are here:

Then what about your desire for a "Master".Does your relationship with your boyfriend have a D/s aspect? Is a search for this partly why you want relationships with another man? How strong are your submissive feelings (if any). Is it rather that you have an eagerness for more kinky or experimental sex? Can your boyfriend meet any of these needs or is part of the need for it to be with someone else? Is there any "cuckolding" aspect of this where you gain power over your boyfriend through having sex with others?

There is no judgement intended in any of the above. I am asking questions in the hope that in thinking through the answers it might give you a clearer view of exactly what you want and the extent to which your boyfriend can be encouraged to be part of this. If it works well it could enhance your relationship into something so much more. However I am sure you are aware that the other possibility is that it could herald the end of your relationship.

You have some very hard if not almost impossible decisions.

Good luck with them.
Can you help reader? Is there a way that Janet can work through this with her boyfriend or does she need a new start to explore her desires and develop her personality?


  1. The problem described by Janet is relatively common. She has lost respect for her boyfriend. Meanwhile, although he has withdrawn into his man cave, Janet's boyfriend is unwilling to let go.

    Janet's relationship with her boyfriend can be illustrated by drawing a stick figure with one leg considerably shorter than the other. The shorter leg, of course, is Janet's commitment and interest in maintaining the status quo at this point relative to that of her boyfriend. Janet is in a crippled relationship that, in the absence of some miracle, counseling is unlikely to make whole again.

    By moving in polyamorous and polysexual circles, Janet has told her boyfriend that if he can't fulfill her needs, she will find someone able to do so.

    That there is no mention of previous polyamorous and polysexual encounters suggests this alternative is more a product of Janet's "feel[ing] trapped and restrained" in her current circumstances than any predisposition.

    Sexting is merely an electronic version of what used to be called dirty talk. Both are ways of discovering who is interested in sexually doing what. Her use of the term "Master" suggests Janet is looking for a man she can respect. She may even have an interest in being disciplined.

    Given the above, there may be three ways to proceed. None involves initially trying to talk out the problems. Nor do they require a counselor.

    First, Janet is really interest in preserving her relationship with her boyfriend, she can take off ever stitch of her cloths, approach her boyfriend while he is seat on a couch, and put herself over his lap. She should plainly tell him that if he wants to keep her, he needs spank her until he has worked out all of his frustrations. By that time, she will either hate her boyfriend or she will respect him.

    While there is the risk of being initially rejected, a handful of wives recommending this approach claim it greatly improved their marriages. I've recommended in a couple times to young wives. Thus far, I've received no negative feedback.

    Given what I know, this approach might actually do both Janet and her boyfriend some good because spanking a women clears the air in a relationship. As a result, once they calm down, couples are better able to listen to each other.

    Second is for Janet to have a secret life apart from that of her boyfriend. Typically, as Janet has already discovered, this is fraught with risks of being discovered. Besides, despite initial appearances, the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

    Third, assuming Janet see no future in the relationship with her boyfriend, she can pack up and move out. Utilizing this option, she is then free to explore whatever options appeal to her without being concerned with her boyfriend.

    However, while this option gets the boyfriend out of the picture, it does nothing to discard the difficulties Janet contributed to the relationship. Janet will carry those with her. AS a result, she may very well face the same challenges in her next relationship that she has in her current one.

  2. Thank you Anonymous for your thoughtful analysis of Janet's problem.

    Regarding your first solution - I wonder if her boyfriend would spank her? Perhaps that might be part of the issues.

    Your suggestion about a second secret life is interesting but I get the impression from that it would cause too much guilt for her. There have been recent discussions on A Kind Dom about guilt. Also a couple of years ago there was an interesting discussion there about double lives. You can read it here.

    The third option of moving out is of course always there but as you suggest, "...she may very well face the same challenges in her next relationship that she has in her current one."

    Thanks for taking the time to comment.


  3. As previously pointed out, while rejection is possible, the first option is intended to circumvent today's typical male reluctance to spank by substituting the woman's initiative for that of the male. It is, quite frankly, a form of seduction previously exploited by women seeking male attention.

    One analogy might be likening to serving a hungry man a prepared meal. If he really wants her, he'll take her up on her offer.

    Essentially, Janet's disrobing and positioning herself over his lap with her ass presented is the sexual equivalent of her laying supine on a mattress with all her clothes off, and her legs spread high and wide. Only an absolute dunce wouldn't know what she expects to be done. Any man able to get it up for sex, is most certainly able to raise his hand high enough to administer a spanking!!!

    Although guilt is a ubiquitous female phenomenon, a more relevant problem for Janet seems to be an inability to keep her sexual escapades private. At the same time, while Janet says she still loves her boyfriend, she seems to have lost respect for him. This might very well mitigate any guilt on her part since it already justifies her seeking other outlets for her sexual energies.

    The situation is such that any guilt will most likely emerge at some future date. If this happens, it can be handled by a future boyfriend or husband.

    As things currently stand, Janet is caught in a triangle. On one side, there are her problems. There are her boyfriend's problems. Then, there are their problems together.

    If we expand the above analysis, we can include the counselor's problems (and they have them) along with the problems of whomever else she chooses to establish a secondary relationship. Thus, she may find herself in the middle of a boxy or psychological pentagon. In time, rather obviously, the problems can become overwhelming.

    Many of the foregoing complexities can be avoided if Janet can resolve her current difficulties with her current boyfriend. In the end, whether she leaves him or stays with him, Janet must pursue every reasonable remedy with her current boyfriend before she is even remotely prepared to move on. Right now, as evidenced by her bewilderment, Janet is nowhere near ready to start another relationship.

  4. Thanks again Anonymous.

    I certainly agree that Janet should pursue every avenue to try to resolve the current situation with her boyfriend. I am sure that is what she desires too. However she is realistic in recognising that in the long term that could leave her very frustrated and unfulfilled if the relationship does not develop and change.

    I have not heard from her recently so I hope things are developing positively for her.


  5. I had wondered if you had heard anything further from Janet.

    One of the tragedies of the women's liberation movement is that empowering women to explore their own sexuality also tended to neuter traditional male dominance. Consequently, as seems to be the case with Janet, her boyfriend is playing the part of Johnny in the old Joanie Sommers' single hit recording of "Johnny Get Angry."

    The song describes teenager's attempts to provoke her boyfriend into becoming the dominant partner. She starts by telling him in so many words to get lost. Then, she dances with another boy. On both occasions, much to the displeasure of the lyricist, Johnny reacts passively.

    Two verses in the "Johnny Get Angry" lyrics are particularly revealing when it comes to understanding a woman's thought processes.

    First, the chorus goes:

    "Oh, Johnny get angry, Johnny get mad
    Give me the biggest lecture I ever had
    I want a brave man, I want a cave man
    Johnny, show me that you care, really care for me"

    Then, the last verse says:

    "Every girl wants someone who
    She can always look up to
    You know I love you, of course
    Let me know that you're the boss"

    Even thought today's culture has changed superficially to give women more options, thousands of years of human evolution has hardwired most women to expect male dominance. As the lyrics above point out, "Every girl wants someone who She can always look up to."

    Women tend to be more secure in knowing the man is "boss." Likewise, women expect provoked men to be "angry" and to get "mad."

    More interestingly, reading between the lines of the lyrics in the context of a pre-Sexual Revolution culture given to euphemisms, "Give me the biggest lecture I ever had" could be taken to be more than just scolding.

    Words like "lecture" ("Trust me, I'm going to give that girl a good lecture just as soon as I get her home.") or "talk" ("That girl's going to get a good talking to on both ends of her anatomy!") sometimes meant a "girl," as women were often called in the 1950s and early 1960s, could expect to be verbally rebuked before having her bare bottom soundly spanked.

    For their day, the "Johnny Get Angry" lyrics weren't all that different from the later "Laverne & Shirley" episode where "Vo-de-o-do-do" was used to get around prohibitions on even indirect sexual references on family hour television. Much like most adults in the late 1970s and early 1980s knew Laverne and Shirley were discussing sex, so a lot of listeners in the early 1960s would have translated the lyrics of "Johnny Get Angry" as meaning the singer wouldn't mind if Johnny told her off and then spanked her to let her know he cared!

    These days, despite extensive efforts at reeducation, many women still crave the feel a dominant male's hand firmly planted right where they sit down.

  6. "These days, despite extensive efforts at reeducation, many women still crave the feel a dominant male's hand firmly planted right where they sit down."

    Interestingly too, many men crave the need of a dominant female's hand spanking them...

    There are many male submissives and female dominants.


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