bondage marks

I have received the following interesting email from naughty Lizard about bondage marks. As I have been very, very slow in publishing the email I do hope readers have some advice to give.

Dear Uncle Agony,

I'm a nice submissive girl who has been in a sexless marriage for several years. I recently began having an affair, and my new lover and I very much want him to tie me up. (Ahem. Very much!)

But. He is concerned about leaving marks on my skin. I haven't been able to find much helpful advice on bondage techniques that *avoid* leaving marks.

Can you help?

Thank you,

Naughty Lizard

I find it an interesting topic as for different reasons I often have to avoid marking my own submissive woman. It can be very annoying having to be careful not to leave suspicious marks.

My advice to Naughty Lizard was as follows

I'm pleased you seem to have found a partner to have fun with and I do understand your dilemma. If you have tried the local kink friendly sex store then you may be left with the internet. There are things you can get from there but it might be that neither of you can have things delivered through the post if your lover is also married.

I did a bit of Googling and found sites that advertised soft rope that they claimed did not mark. One of the things seems to be to avoid twisted rope as opposed to covered rope. In the end though it is a matter of how tightly you tie the ropes and for how long! I find that most rope marks where there is no chaffing are gone in an hour or so - and many marks even more quickly. Knotting techniques are useful too - so that the rope does not bite around you. There are some good instructional videos on twistedmonk.com

When I Googled I also found this advice -
http://socyberty.com/folklore/self-bondage-rope-marks/

I wonder if readers can offer further advice?

new

I received an email recently for publication on Uncle Agony with the title "submissive". It went as follows,

Dear reader,

I'm very new to the BDSM life. I don't have a partner nor do I know whether I am a submissive or a dominate. I do, however, know that I like BDSM and would enjoy doing it. I believe that I am a submissive person but all my life I have been raised to be a dominate person and it's hard for me to let go of control. I also have a few questions about the BDSM life style, such as if your a submissive, do you act like a slave with your partner 24/7? Or can you (the submissive) be treated like a normal person outside of the sex? Thanks for your time and support.

Alexandria (alex)

I sometimes find it so hard to know where to begin with those like alex who are new to D/s and BDSM. There are no easy answers and I believe no rights and wrongs. It may be just a matter of finding the right relationship with the right person who one can really trust - then taking it from there.

There is so much to learn - and where to start? Of course there is lots written on the internet to research. However there is such a lot that it must be overwhelming for someone who is new but eager to learn and to experience safely.

When one is new and with no experience one is in that wonderful state of knowing there is something out there - but what might one become? Something precious for a good mentor to teach and help find fulfilment - or a potential victim for someone manipulative to abuse?

I feel much of the advice that alex requests from me is already written in my Kind Dom blog. However it would be a long read from the start.

What is the essence of knowledge to give to alex and others like her?

Do others have more supportive responses to her questions than I have given so far?

reading and learning

A dominant man wrote recently to ask for advice. He feels he is still learning and asked if I could recommend further sources of information. There are some books listed on the sidebar that have been recommended by readers.

If anyone has any further recommendations for books or websites please let me know in a comment here or an email and I will add them to the sidebar list.

Thanks

- P

should I compromise for my husband?

I just received this email from signed loving who is in a Domestic Discipline relationship.

Pygar..

I have a question. My husband and I are fairly new to Domestic Discipline its going wonderfully for us and we couldn't be happier. There's just one thing my husband/master wants me to go to his family's house and his family and I have recently had a falling out. He said he wants to me to make up with them when I'm ready and doesn't want to push me on this BUT I feel like he is disappointed in me that I do not go around them. I do Not want this to hinder the bliss we have been having. Any advice? you can read more about my issues with them on my blog .. signedloving.blogspot.com I have mentioned it some on there.

As I have no direct experience of Domestic Discipline my response was fairly general.

Hello signed loving

I'm afraid I'm not a experienced in Domestic Discipline but I think in all D/s situations we find what works right for us as a couple. A lot of it is about love and respect in both directions - and that will be the case in any relationship.

It is clearly upsetting to your husband that you have fallen out with his family and that you are not ready to go round to their house. It is clearly abig issue for you that you find making up so difficult. I think your husband is being very reasonable and understanding. He could just tell you to do it as he expects your obedience - however he has said he wants you to make up when you are ready and does not want to push you. It would be a shame if this got in the way of your blissful relationship. I think you could talk with him about how you feel and your fear that you are disappointing him and discuss ways in which you both might work together at resolving the situation with his family.

The longer you leave it though the more difficult it might be. It could be worth biting your tongue and going to them and apologising even if you know it was not your fault. You might be surprised by their response and get apologies in return. But you and he know the individuals best. Talk through how the situation can be resolved and try to deal with it quickly.

Good luck

Pygar

Any thoughts? Perhaps if you too are in a DD relationship you may have another perspective.

"... is this the Domly way?"

J wrote to me with this query:

"I am new, rapidly "collared" by someone whom I thought cared and would mentor and guide me. Over time I just felt him as indifferent toward me and distrust grew. When I asked for guidance and to just plain "talk to me" I was always accused of topping. To prove my submission. I was instructed to approach a stranger, suck him off and take a picture of my cum filled mouth.....his words.....GAG When I said I could not..I was released and chastised and a wanna be and not a sub. That is something I would never do....and my reasons are valid. I understand the reason behind the task...but feel there are other ways to evaluate surrender. Ok...now my question... Is this the Domly way?? Is it unDomly to treat with respect and not pass your sub around?? Is the sensual Dom any different?"

My reply was:

"Sadly many have found it so though it should not be. There is no "Domly way" but there are plenty who think they are Doms and pretend to be when in reality they are just misogynists who get off on power. If you frequent any of the BDSM contact sites you will find many of them - in fact it will be hard to avoid them! In reality though a good Dom cares for his sub and knows and understands her limits. He may push gently at the edges trying to extend those limits - or if he breaks them will know what he is soing and why and what the reaction of his sub will be - but doing it for his sub rather than for himself.

You will often see phrases from Doms such as "it isn't about what you want it is about what I want." Of course in the dynamic that is true. However I believe that in a good D/s relationship each are caring about the needs and desires of the other. Finding the right person will be hard. It is hard enough is it not in a vanilla relationship. Finding the right Dom can be even harder. But don't give up. I am sure he may be out there."

What do readers think? Is this the Domly way?

punishment

ponderouspet wrote to me about punishment.

Hi there!

Been pondering a bit. I have issues when it comes to punishment. There are several ways to punish, but most of the "common" ways, would lead to disaster. We do not use spanking as punishment, one reason is that he doesn't feel to do that, since I like spanking, and feel that there wouldn't then really be a punishment. He is also fearing that I could end up not liking spanking. I know from childhood that I tend to end up resentfull of physical punishment. Then you have absence, now that brings fear and axiety. That can also end in resentment. You off course have yelling, but that would not work at all, since I react very badly to yelling. So how do you really punish a person that has all this? How to punish me when I am put together like this? Because, in D/s doesn’t there need to be punishments for it to work? I mean, doesn’t failure or breaking rules have to have consequences, and aren’t the usual idea that broken rule follows up by punishment? How to deal with that in a way that wont hurt the relationship?

I optet these thoughts on my last blogpost, and it keeps bugging my mind. It has been bugging my mind before. Nothing me and my man hasn't talked about before. I know he struggels with this to. He has actually asked me if there are a way he could punish without it hurting our relationship. So I then get the idea that he inded wish for having punishments... But we are both fairly new to the lifestyle, so things are hard to figure out.

- ponderouspet

I replied as follows

Thanks for writing ponderouspet

I've written quite a bit on Pygar about punishment I think.

I can understand you not wanting spanking as a punishment as that is currently a pleasure - so that could get confusing and difficult in a number of ways. There are punishments that can be equally as effective as pain. Many subs say that the worst punishment is being ignored. In a true D/s relationship I believe that the key "punishment" is a subs own knowledge that she has upset, disappointed or angered her Dom - and her sadness and distress at this. Any further punishment then becomes inconsequential.

I know some subs though feel that a physical punishment of some kind can wipe away the fault and take away their guilt - thus allowing them to begin afresh with a clean slate. In such a case perhaps it should be the sub who begs the punishment and may even suggest to her Dom what might be appropriate.

Having read your post I know you recognise yourself some of the issues from your past relating to punishment and your acceptance of it. I am sure that will continue to affect you now. I am concerned too about your previous need for cutting. I hope that D/s and bdsm may work together for you in ways that help you develop a positive and strong outlook. I know they have done for some other subs with similar experiences to yourself.

I enjoy "punishing" in a more light-hearted way. I have some sadistic tendencies so enjoy administering spankings, beatings and other painful activities. However this for me is more within the context of erotic or bdsm play rather than as a real punishments for active misdemeanours. I have not been in a true "domestic discipline" type of relationship - it is not my style I am afraid. In any case I am aware that praise can be more effective than punishment in controlling behaviour.

I am currently mentoring a sub who was distressed at the end of a long relationship. So far I have been using praise and pleasure for success as my main training tool. She is thriving on it - blooming even and feels she has grown into her submission much more in the last few months.

Does any of this make any sense?

I am not sure that I have really answered your question properly though - in which case I am sorry. Perhaps my readers may be more adept!

Good luck

Pygar xx

I will soon be writiting a companion pice on "A Kind Dom" about praise.

My previous posts on punishment can be found here:
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2008/09/punishment.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/02/submission-pain-and-masochism.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/03/pain-and-punishment.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/04/punishment.html

to wax or not to wax ...

I received the following email with an unusual question recently. Well it seemed unusual to start with - whether or not a sub should stop waxing at the instruction of a new Dom when it was a very special issue to her. In the end though the question wasn't really about waxing but about trust and understanding. The email exchange is here.

Dear Uncle Agony,

I am a follower of your blog and very much enjoy your writing and thoughts.

I am hoping you might be able to give me some advice from a Dominant Man's point of view.

I am very new to the D/s world. I recently met a man online and he is kind, not demanding (yet) and very attentive. I am looking forward to meeting him for the first time in a few months.

I am clean shaven (waxed). He prefers a lady "au natural". He has requested that I do not continue waxing, and allow my pubic area to go. I told him that this is something I do not want to do. He has given me one month to think things over, and then at the end of this month, we will discuss again.

I DO NOT WANT to stop waxing. I have made a list to discuss with him (my reasons why etc).

What are you thoughts regarding his request? Is he being unreasonable? It is my personal preference, and I just do not feel like a lady if I am not smooth all over!

I welcome any advice/help you might have time to give me.

Thank you very much.

star

My reply is here.

Dear star

Thank you for your email.

For myself - I prefer a woman clean shaven. I enjoy cunnilingus and hate getting hairs in my teeth! However that was not your question. It is about your partners wishes and your response.

Your new partner prefers a woman unshaven but your strong preference is the opposite. It seems a strange thing to have become such a big issue so early in the relationship. It is clearly very important to him in the same way that it is very important to you. But surely a developing relationship is not going to founder at its first hurdle over whether or not you wax.

I wonder rather whether he is testing you out - and trying to see how obedient you are prepared to be to him even over something very important to you. But it could be that he is just uncaring of your strong concerns.

However he has not instructed you not to wax. You say he has requested it. He has not threatened to punish you or close the relationship - he has given you a month to think it over before it will get discussed again. You are marshalling your arguments in the hope that he might relent. Perhaps if your arguments are good then he will do so.

However as well as power of argument I think it can be good for a sub to use other skills of persuasion. Many Doms might be influenced by some humility and gentle pleading in such a response. I wonder if rather than arguing with him you prostrated yourself and begged so very prettily to be allowed to keep yourself shaven it might prove to be more effective - and more indicative of your desire to submit to him and please him.

Perhaps it is good to have such a challenge early in the relationship. It is giving each of you an opportunity to explore how to resolve such disagreements within a D/s context. It may take some skill and care from you both to resolve.

Take care when you meet for the first time. I hope it all works out really well for you

Best wishes

Pygar

This was the start of a longer conversation which gives more background - but I wonder how my readers recommend star should respond?