Shortly after the email from Ann published in the previous post I received this email from London.
I was reading your blog and I wondered if you could possibly help me out a little.
I am interested in exploring my submissive side. I would prefer to explore this with my husband. The problem lies with the fact he is pretty vanilla in the bedroom. I have tried to spice things up, offer myself for service, and to tell him in romantic situations he can have what ever he wants. It really goes no where. Do you have any advice to possibly help?..
It was interesting that this was similar to the email I had received from Ann. I replied:
This is very difficult - and a problem that I know a lot of submissive women have. I know a number who want to explore their sub side but whose husbands have no interest at all. Some have worked with their husband to try to move things forward with varying degrees of success. I hope to publish an email from one such on Uncle Agony in the next few days.
I suppose communication is at the heart of this. It might be that you could try to be totally open with your husband about your needs and ask him directly if he would try taking a more dominant role in trying to meet your needs and desires.
Some men find this quite difficult. It contradicts what they believe is an appropriate way to show their love and respect for their wife. However it is only through sharing your needs and desires with him that you will be able to discuss such issues with him. Do recognise though that he may be upset at such revelations and the fact he did knot know you as well as he thought. So take it gently and with care.
London wrote straight back,
Thank you so much for the advice. I have thought a lot about this since the email I sent you. A good friend of mine who is very vanilla but I trust their confidence, suggested I start making myself more attractive to him and to do things that please him. My friend suggested things like always wear something sensual to bed. To wear makeup and dress in ways I think he would like. My friend also suggested I do more around the house such as clean and bake more. My friend thinks that this could lead to the perfect conversation opener. He will certainly notice the changes in me and I can start the conversation by saying "it makes me very happy to pleasure and serve you."
What do you think?
And yes I have no problem with you publishing my emails.
What do readers think London should do? Should she try to talk it through with her husband as I suggested or should she follow her friend's idea and almost try to seduce him into dominating her?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Ann wrote to me with this interesting email.
Greetings Pygar,I replied with the following email.
I have been following your blog for a short while and appreciate the topics you address along with the response garnered by your followers.
I was initially drawn to the D/s lifestyle though romantic fiction and now crave real life conversation to further inform me on the possibilities.
In this quest, I have made contact with my local BDSM group and even managed to attend a munch with my husband!
Below is a rough breakdown of our most important experiences.
• He previously (before the D/s conversations started) broke my trust by not respecting NO. We are on our way to repairing that but my trust is still shaky.
• Our first scene went horribly emotionally wrong. We did not inform ourselves and there was no safe word. *cringe*
• He refuses to submit to me when we attempt bedroom scenes. He says he wants to be punished. We obviously need to clear up some language and behavioral rules here. If he wants the "punishment" then it isn't punishment, it is a reward. For good behavior. For submitting. (This particular conversation has been had but I feel like the blind leading the blind here!)
• He currently initiates take down scenes which are very therapeutic for me. I can see the potential for the Dom I think I want here. He knows what I need.
• I'm afraid I will overwhelm him with my intensity of emotion and he will feel OBLIGATED as my husband to do this for me.
Ultimately, I have discovered that I do crave submitting. But I fear he does not crave my submission. Have a put myself between a rock and hard place? Or am I just impatient?
Thanks for listening, Ann
Dear AnnSo what do readers think? Is Ann just being impatient?
There is so much in here I am unsure where to start. Thank you though for writing. I am pleased that you have found my posts and the responses helpful. The commenters usually speak far more sense than me!
You mentioned finding D/s through romantic fiction. I am sure for many of us such fiction has lead us to search for similar real time experiences. Do be wary though. Fiction and fantasy can often be very different from reality. In BDSM as well as romance the dreams of the novels are rarely brought to fruition in real life.
It is great that you have been to a munch or something similar with your husband and met real people. But even in that - all "real" people have their own reality. There is no reason why you should not create your own reality.
You have had a lot of challenges in your real-time journey. In particular not taking "no" for an answer, needing and lacking a safe word, your overwhelming him with your own emotions ... all strike me as key.
In craving submission but being unsure of your partner's ability to meet your needs you find yourself in the same position as many of my online sub friends. It is a difficult and insecure place. No - you are not just impatient. However patience may be the key for now.
You are at the beginning so taking things slowly - or at least at a pace that seems comfortable to both of you would be a good thing. I know though how impatient I get in new BDSM relationships and know that I tend to rush things! To my cost though I know that can be a mistake.
I think communication is the key and a desire to understand each other and take account of each others developing needs. I wonder also if you each are yet aware fully aware of your own desires and needs let alone the others? You each seem to have been playing in different roles as sub and Dom - perhaps exploring and discovering. Many do like to switch though others (including myself) feel to be happiest in one role. I wonder too whether you are just exploring the more physical side of BDSM or also the more psychological aspects of D/s and where they overlap?
Do read lots, learn what you can, remember that there are dangers - emotional and psychological as well as physical, take care of each other, have fun and enjoy yourselves.
With kind regards and very best wishes
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I've just received the following questions from puppy:
um im 18 an tired of dating boys who are so weak that i get away with anything from teasing them and then saying no and then they just stop like what is that they want me but they don't understand that i want/need someone to tell me what to do and be stronger than me.I replied as follows:
well anyways i went to online place to meet men and wrote what i was looking for in a man and was so swamped with responses that it was freaking me out.
finally one man he is 42 years old knew exactly what i needed the thing is he wants to cam first which i don't mind we already exchanged lots of pics and stuff. The problem i am having is what if he doesnt want to really meet me which i want more than anything the what if part comes from maybe he only wants online sub instead of real life.
i know i am a sub and have been since i was a little girl but where are the real life Doms if there are any? And how do i sort the fakes who only want online girls to the ones who want real life?
sorry for my bad spelling
tyvm if you can help me?
Hello puppyPerhaps readers can offer some further advice to puppy.
Thank you for writing. I'm not sure how much I can help but I will try.
I think if you tease boys and then say 'no' - they are right to stop.
You might want to go further but there are girls who just like to
tease and when they say 'no' mean 'no'. A man going too far in such
circumstances could lead to serious consequences.
The whole point of BDSM and D/s is that it is consensual. The way it
works for each couple is worked out over time - so it may be that in a
particular relationship 'no' does not always mean 'no'. However the
Dom would understand the sub well enough to know when that is the
case. Often in such relationships they may have a 'safe word' - and that
really should mean 'no'.
However I can understand your frustrations. If you have been dating
men close to your own age I think few will have the life experiences,
knowledge and experience to be a true Dom. There may also be much for
you still to learn about your submission. That may be why you have
found an older Dom to help you on your journey.
Is he the one for you? Does he want real time or just online? I cannot
tell - you will need to decide that on your own. However as you have
found there are a lot of predatory men on contact sites. Many of them
may pretend to be into D/s when in truth they are just after sex. It
might be that the man you have met online already has a real-time
relationship and only wants online play.
However meeting someone who you only know from the internet can also
be full of potential dangers. So if and when you meet someone make
sure you take appropriate measures to ensure your personal safety.
I do understand your difficulties in meeting a Dom and your eagerness
to get some real experience. However do try to be patient and get it
right. It could be that attending local munches might be a way of
making friends on the scene. You will get lots of friendly advice,
invitations to events and may even meet a Dom who is right for you.
Good luck - I do hope you find what you are searching for.