tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80229299896469320552024-02-20T19:46:25.490+00:00Uncle AgonyA place to air serious questions and problems related to domination and submission - and to offer help and supportPygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-49818954311923221222020-03-30T18:06:00.000+01:002020-03-30T18:06:23.693+01:00COVID-19No, I am not a health expert or a scientific expert. So I will not try to offer you any of my own advice. Instead I am going to shamelessly pinch from Fetlife part of a short post they have written there with some excellent links. If you would like to read the whole post it is <a href="https://fetlife.com/users/1/posts/6176472" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
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If you've been following the news recently you've probably heard of the Coronavirus or COVID-19. And, depending on where you live, there might already be recommendations or regulations in place to combat the spread of COVID-19 where you live.<br />
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In the news, across the internet, and on FetLife... many people are telling others what they should and shouldn't be doing. Instead of telling people what to do, which we find very seldom works, we wanted to share with you links that we've found useful so that you can make informed decisions for you and your loved ones.<br />
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<b>General</b><br />
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<ul>
<li>Wikipedia: <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coronavirus_disease_2019" target="_blank">Coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19)</a></li>
<li>World Health Organization</li>
<ul>
<li><a href="https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/advice-for-public" target="_blank">Advice For Public</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.who.int/news-room/q-a-detail/q-a-coronaviruses" target="_blank">Q&A</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019" target="_blank">Latest Updates</a></li>
</ul>
<li><a href="https://www.flattenthecurve.com/" target="_blank">Flatten the Curve</a></li>
<ul>
<li><a href="https://www.flattenthecurve.com/act-and-prepare/" target="_blank">Act & Prepare: Do and Do Nots</a></li>
</ul>
</ul>
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<b>Real-Time Dashboards</b><br />
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<ul>
<li><a href="https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/map.html" target="_blank">Global Cases Dashboard by Johns Hopkins University</a></li>
<li><a href="https://nssac.bii.virginia.edu/covid-19/dashboard/" target="_blank">Surveillance Dashboard by University of Virginia</a></li>
</ul>
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<b>By the Numbers</b><br />
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<ul>
<li><a href="https://medium.com/@tomaspueyo/coronavirus-act-today-or-people-will-die-f4d3d9cd99ca" target="_blank">Coronavirus: Why You Must Act Now</a></li>
</ul>
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<b>United States</b><br />
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<ul>
<li><a href="https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/index.html" target="_blank">Centers for Disease Control and Prevention</a></li>
</ul>
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<b>Canada</b><br />
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<ul>
<li><a href="https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/diseases/coronavirus-disease-covid-19.html" target="_blank">Government of Canada: Coronavirus disease</a> <a href="https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/diseases/coronavirus-disease-covid-19.html" target="_blank">(COVID-19)</a></li>
</ul>
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<b>UK</b><br />
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<ul>
<li><a href="https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/coronavirus-covid-19/" target="_blank">NHS - Coronavirus (COVID-19)</a></li>
</ul>
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<b>Other Useful Resources</b><br />
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For those who are missing school or have kids that are missing school:<br />
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<a href="https://www.khanacademy.org/" target="_blank">Khan Academy - Classes For Children and Teens</a><br />
<a href="https://github.com/soroushchehresa/450-free-courses" target="_blank">450 Ivy League Courses</a><br />
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Me again. Although I said I wasn't going to offer my own advice, I will give you just one thought (with an amusing link...)<br />
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<a href="https://twitter.com/Beauxxxx/status/1244667821621153796" target="_blank">!!! PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS !!!</a><br />
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Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-49772674510293512002018-02-10T14:49:00.000+00:002018-02-10T14:49:18.190+00:00"But why?"Recently a couple of very long comments were posted by Anonymous to <a href="https://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">A Kind Dom</a> in response to the post <a href="https://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2011/08/punishment-and-domestic-discipline.html" target="_blank">punishment and domestic discipline</a>. The questions she asked seemed to be too far reaching to respond to in another comment - and also worthy of wider discussion. So I am posting the comments here as an Uncle Agony post. The commenter wrote:<br />
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<i>Hello, Pygar, I am quite new with even knowing what BDSM is, stumbling across accidentally at in the last month or so. Your blog seems more contemplative and introspective than most and questions assumptions, so I am hoping that you can help me (and other vanilla people like me) get more insight into BDSM (and power exchange in particular) that simply does not make sense to me as a non-practitioner. I hope this question gets seen as it is replying to an old posting. I will check back here to see if any response...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>What I didn't get for a while is why the sub participates at all, at first. Why be subject to someone? Now I see examples that for some people it is fun to feel like they want things done for them as escapism (which in some cases and lighter reading seems to be the case, like bedroom-only submission). Others apparently feel the NEED to serve others more than wanting to have things happen to them in the bedroom. . More surprising still to me is that this come across as NEEDING to get hit and are unsatisfied if their Doms (in some cases husbands and wives) are not into "impact play" ENOUGH -- they actively want to feel pain, and not always as masochists. Etc... It strikes me as an odd constellation of attributes that do not seem connected to each other... service vs being controlled vs wanting to be treated meanly or painfully in the moment (still in good fun like a scene) with impact play... But I get the various reasons, disparate as they seem.</i><br />
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<i>Anyway, this is all background to my main question, which is about punishment and why people who choose to participate in power exchange let themselves agree to be punished... Here are some things I think I DO get: I see husband/wife blogs where wife beats husband but he LOVES in a consent-nonconsent kind of way so it is a kindness to him (or vice-versa) and ultimately actively enjoyed (after the moment of pain at least), where it all seems like good mutual fun and definitely not punishment. Fine. I also subs who want to give their all for their Doms -- they serve to please. Fine. Also where subs want impact play . Fine again. What I do NOT get is the REAL punishment thing. I understand after I got some replies that it is consensual (or should be). Sub has consented or even negotiated it. But that does not mean the punishment is not damned painful still from what I see. </i><br />
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<i>What I don't get is the sub mindset that has them consent to it in the first place. WHY would a sub consent to extreme unpleasantness for human failings where a vanilla relationship the might deal with (just) the partner's disappointment or need to promise to improve to their spouse but not be receive significant (often physical) pain? Or for things that would not even be considered a transgression in a vanilla relationship? I have read blogs where multiple strikes of the cane (or crop) is the punishment... serious ouch? Here if I am a sub who wants only to serve someone and make their life better. I also agree to be corporally punished if I screw up? Why not just walk away from entering this relationship in the first place? why would I want a Dom like that (and this one is NOT a rhetorical quetion, as obviously many subs DO like a Dom like that, lost of very happy sub bloggers talk about punishment and yet seem to love the relationships...).</i><br />
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<i>Also people are punished for simple things... forgetting to do chores, accidentally erasing a recording, getting angry, whatever... I do not sense in may cases that is proportional, or fair. Fine: Dom/Sub can be inherently unbalanced/unfair (you want someone to tell you what to do and you want to obey), but why would someone sign up for that (the punishment dynamic aspect I mean)?</i><br />
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<i>What I do not get is all the SERIOUS references to this terrible thing (for a sub) that cannot be enjoyable (blogs say it should be VERY unpleasant to be a reminder in future, etc.), so where is the fun in that?? I would run for the hills! Supposedly the Dom hates to give it too (usually I read that), etc... sub must endure it as it is for her benefit in the end, etc. But generally in psychology, praise and positive reward gets better results anyway that negative consequences.</i><br />
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<i>Are subs so screwed up that they feel they need to agree to be chastised this way (no offense to any sub intended, this is a rhetorical question and my thinking is that the answer is NO they should not need to feel to accept this). Does they somehow get off on the idea of being punished, it is somehow part of the kink of the whole thing so they ultimately like it? Or are they desperate for a Dom and tolerate it for this reason (yes, consensually, i know, but enthusiastically?)</i><br />
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<i>Why would a sub agree to something so singularly unpleasant with someone she wants to have a good relationship with? I would think this would make subs resentful. This absolution/atonement thing (sub needs it / requests it to feel better) can't be the main reason can it? Surely some subs can make a mistake and just feel like "oops sorry I will do better because I care for you and agreed to be obedient" instead of kicking themselves emotionally over it forever... Why get so upset if I had reason to disobey one time? Surely the Dom is imperfect too and for minor infractions he just slides by...(for major ones I imagine the sub might walk away just like if your spouse cheated on you, etc., but to me that should stop the BDSM agreement completely anyway so it is a moot point). </i><br />
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<i>And even more seriously, a number of bloggers and bdsm sites report they in soe relationships the sub cannot even use a safeword during punishment. What kind of consensual and mutually gratifying is THAT? Even consensual-nonconsent play needs a safeword, but punishment does not? This is going into the risk of forcing people if you ask me. What next, if non-consent can my Dom LITERALLY force me into restraints to apply a punishment and not let me safeword out? Does this happen? Is there still any consent left with no safeword? It seems a very slippery and dangerous slope to me, and seems accepted not only in a lifelong relationship where a safeword is disallowed with a wink-wink because a husband and wife really know each other's true tolerances for years anyway. I simply cannot bend my mind around that one (no safeword) case not running the risk of being abusive (should the sub want to stop it) or VERY close to that risk... </i><br />
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<i>Anyway, maybe Doms really think it is good because they get the submissive to do what they want or "improve", but do all subs need such improvememt? Probably no more than your average person, who doesn't have to suffer painfully for it. Surely they do not all feel so bad about themselves (subs are strong and feel good about themselves I also read!) that for every screwup they need to accept this... sorry I am ranting and rambling but help us vanilla folks get an answer to "what am I missing here?" Thanks anyone for reading and replying thoughfully... I hope nothing I wrote was deeply insulting to anyone, it was not intended in that spirit, but truly to try to understand something I just do not get. People choose this, and many seem to love the overall lifestyle, even as they claim to us (or themselves) that seriously unpleasant punishment is OK because the Dom/me says they screwed up (and MAYBE the sub even agrees). But why?</i><br />
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I was a bit overwhelmed at first by the range of questions and issues raised. However the core one seems to be about the acceptance of punishment in a Domestic Discipline relationship.<br />
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There will clearly be different answers to all of the questions from different people. Yes, some do get off on the pain that comes with much punishment, others dislike the pain but love the way if makes them feel controlled and submissive, others just like to please their partners. There will be other reasons too - and for many it may well be a combination of such reasons.<br />
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Other interesting and contentious issues are also raised - such as consensual non-consent, the use or not of safe words and the danger of it all slipping into the realm of abuse.<br />
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So readers. How do you respond to these questions? Anonymous has clearly done a lot of reading but still has some genuine questions. Can anyone help explain?<br />
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Perhaps she just needs to dip her toe into the water to discover for herself...<br />
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;)<br />
<br />Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-74213272163583574952017-04-12T23:29:00.000+01:002017-04-12T23:29:14.064+01:00Sticking pointMary emailed me again recently. Things seem to be going very well for her but she has a problem. I'll let her explain:<br />
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I have a question that you and perhaps some of your regular correspondents might be able to help with.<br />
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There is no delicate way of saying this… but…. I really cannot stand the thought of my Dom coming in my mouth. Last time I wrote a limits list, that was a soft limit. He quite often said that he would come down my throat instead, and that he would push this as a limit.<br />
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Since we’ve been taking this particular thing slowly, as I’m still learning, it hasn’t happened yet, and to be honest, I hoped it wouldn’t.<br />
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I hurriedly messaged a few things yesterday as a new list, and as a consequence, didn’t really think about where I was putting them. Both of the above things went under hard limits.<br />
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This has caused problems….<br />
I had a message asking me if I understood how rejected a man feels when his lover won’t swallow his come. I said I didn’t understand, no. I then explained that it is something I have never done as I just have a thing about it. In truth, I find it revolting. I don’t like the taste or the texture of semen ( it happened once, accidentally, and I didn’t enjoy it at all), and it took me a great many years to get used to giving a man oral sex, as it was something I didn’t feel comfortable with at all.<br />
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He has been incredibly hurt and rejected by this, and he didn’t realise that I felt so strongly about it. I in turn have found it difficult to understand why its such a big deal. I explained that I absolutely was not rejecting him, but the fact that I was clumsy with my list means that he now has no limits he can push, and the fact that it was a soft limit in the first place didn’t sit easily with him.<br />
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We have talked and things are better, but I know we will have to deal with this at some point.<br />
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Has any one else had this issue? How did they deal with it? Is there anything I can do to make the idea more…er…palatable?! He suggested using condoms as a compromise but I intensely dislike the feel and taste of them too.<br />
So…where to go?<br />
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Any ideas?</blockquote>
Here were my suggestions:<br />
<blockquote>
Many men like to come in their partner's mouth. I suppose also that in a D/s context it can have elements of control and humiliation depending on how it is done. Though equally it can also be part of a sensual and loving activity. I wonder what aspect of it is it that you find particularly revolting. You describe the feeling of the taste and texture but I wonder if that is the real issue? That would be possible surely to get over - having something that tastes unpleasant or has a strange texture in one's mouth is certainly not nice - but is it really so revolting? And if it has only happened once - then might it not be something you could get used to? I have heard that if the man is thoughtful about what he eats and drinks beforehand that can have an effect on taste. For instance drinking pineapple juice is supposed to make the semen taste sweeter though I do not know how effective that is. Also the taste buds tend to be towards the front of the mouth so taking the semen deeper in your mouth or directly into your throat can be more acceptable - that way the texture may also be less noticeable.<br />
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You say that it took you a great many years to get used to giving a man oral sex, as it was something you didn’t feel comfortable with at all. I wonder then if your fear of a man coming in your mouth is part of a deeper set psychological issue rather than just a matter of taste and texture. If that is the case then working on it very slowly might help you with it. My suggestion if he is prepared to go along with it is that for the moment he agrees that he will not come in your mouth and there will need to be trust from you that he will stick to the agreement and will ensure it does not happen. He will need to realise that if he breaks the agreement, even inadvertently, that this could make the situation even worse. Perhaps then you could have daily sessions where you please his cock with your hands and his mouth learning different ways of giving him pleasure. You can explore different ways of kissing, licking, sucking, stroking, blowing on his cock to give him as much pleasure as possible. Could that not be seen as part of your role as a sub to give him as much sensual sexual pleasure as possible. In this way you might find that you can enjoy oral sex as part of your service, knowing he will not come in your mouth. It will be helpful too if he is very careful about personal hygiene during this time so that you know his cock will be scrupulously clean.<br />
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If you come to a point where you see this as a part of your role in pleasing him and your getting over your discomfort as part of your submission then you will have made a big step forward. If you do manage to get to that point perhaps you could then consider having him come in your mouth as the natural culmination of such a pleasure giving session. If that works then it could perhaps be a very occasional event rather than a regular and often one helping you to accept it as part of your submission. <br />
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If he really does want to help you get past a hard limit then getting cross or upset with you will not help. He needs to be understanding and thoughtful of your fears and needs in moving forward on this. I am sure he would also want to give you a very special reward for being such a good girl if you do manage to get past your fears.<br />
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I do have another suggestion. Inès very much dislikes me coming in her mouth. She too finds it disgusting. However because of this she finds it a very powerfully submissive activity and in another sense loves it for that. We do not do it in the way I have described to you above. Instead when we are having sex I will occasionally move my position and put my cock into her mouth as I am about to come so that she has little warning of it. That is the only way it works for her. If she has foreknowledge of it then the anticipation of it makes it impossible for her. The surprise is what works! I wonder if that might also work for you? Inès tells me that she has never done it in the past with other partners and could not do it with anyone else but loves it with me because of how submissive it makes her feel.<br />
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I hope some of these thoughts are helpful. I hope too that you can find a way to make it work for you both. Do talk about it together and don't be bullied - that is very different from being dominated. As your Master he has to be aware of and considerate of your own needs and fears.</blockquote>
Have any readers had this problem? If so how have you got over it? Any suggestions? Have any Doms experience of helping their subs get over such an issue?Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-3723837798588206302016-11-17T12:50:00.002+00:002016-11-17T12:50:24.271+00:00"Is my Dom abusing me"I seem to have been discussing that a lot recently on <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">A Kind Dom</a> so it was interesting to receive an email recently from someone describing herself as a "New Sub" which had that title. She and her partner are both new to the world of BDSM and are in a new relationship. That brings about lots of very understandable fears. <br />
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Enough though of my preamble. Hear what she had to say,<br />
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<i>Hi,</i><br />
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<i>I am extremely lost and confused and have no where to turn, please help.</i><br />
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<i>I am brand new to the D/S world and found myself in a D/s relationship by accident. We have been together for about 2 months now, and everything is still very new. He was very open from the start about his desires, and I found myself very interested (surprisingly so). We agreed to keep it mainly in the bedroom for now. He admits that he is also very new to this, and has had only some short D/s experiences. However, since he admits to being new I find myself not trusting his commands a lot of the time, which (of course) creates a problem. I also find myself resisting (very strongly resisting) certain tasks. For instance, he often commands that I do "assignments" like cook him dinner, plan a date, or think of ways I can sexually please him more and demonstrate at our next meeting (seemingly normal commands). I have since done all of those things(and enjoyed doing them), but not when he has commanded. When he commanded them (these were all over the phone) I instantly felt this strong resistance and anger. In the vanilla world I have a dominant personality, and as such, these things seem to be against my very nature. Also, I think my resistance stems from the fact that even when I do "extra" things to please him I do not feel these are being acknowledged, or at least not enough/in the right way. For instance, I have been exercising 5 days a week to try to enlarge my behind, and as such I am often very sore. However, he doesn't adjust the positions for my soreness and seems to have the attitude that I should "suck it up." This really angers me as I am doing this for him (partially of course) and he can't even make small adjustments for me? I almost feel as if nothing will ever be enough, although to his credit he does acknowledge and say that he liked "x", and that I'm a "good girl". However, often he demonstrates how pleased he is by demanding I perform oral on him (discussed below), or doing something else that gives HIM sexual pleasure. This is not how I would like him to express that I have done a good job, or at least not all the time. I'm not sure how he could improve on making me feel appreciated (he says allowing me to give him pleasure is my treat--which I agree to a limited extent) and as such it's difficult for me to discuss it with him. </i></div>
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<i>Also, sexually I feel like it is very one-sided. He is very into anal, and I am an anal virgin. I agreed to try, and he has been very warm and patient, but it has been large focus. As of yet I have derived only slight pleasure (more so discomfort) from this anal journey, and would prefer to stop or cut down significantly, but continue as it makes him happy. Additionally, his commands largely focus on me performing oral. I feel like I am giving him entirely too much oral (50-60% of the sexual experience giving him oral (sometimes more!), 30-40% anal, 10% everything else). When I realized it would be like this every time, I addressed this with him and he disagrees, he does not think he commands too much oral, and he says I am infringing upon the dynamic asking him to change.... this greatly concerns me, and honestly angers me. After a long talk he says he will make some adjustments, but I have a strong feeling oral will still be the center focus. He believes the dynamic requires 65% (him) to 35% (me) ratio of sexual focus/pleasure (although he admits that it has not been that ratio). And honestly, I want him to be happy, and if that's what he wants maybe he should find a girl to give it to him, right? ***it should be noted that I often want to give him oral pleasure, just not to the extent he demands. And I am now finding myself resenting him for demanding it so extensively**</i></div>
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<i>My anger and resistance make me wonder if I am not submissive, but rather just prefer kinky sex with a dominant personality... (is there a difference?) How can I tell if I am submissive (I've taken quizzes that say I am)? I'm not sure how to tell if I just have a bad dom or if I'm not into this world as much as my body seems to want it. If I was truly submissive wouldn't I </i><b><i>always</i></b><i> be satisfied simply pleasing him? But doesn't he also have to take care of me (emotionally and physically), isn't that also part of the dynamic? Is he right, am I overstepping my submissive role by requesting more pleasure (focus on me)? Or, is he abusing me, or rather, being a bad dom? </i></div>
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<i>I feel like I've mentioned only the negative qualities of him. I genuinely like him as a person, and also enjoy his personality outside of the bedroom. At times I feel extreme arousal, more arousal than I have ever felt, and true desire to be submissive, but I also feel extreme anger at times and resistance. I'm not sure if what he is asking for is completely normal for a D/s relationship and I am wrong for challenging it. I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles but can't find an answer for this concern. </i></div>
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<i>Any advice is greatly appreciated! </i></div>
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<i>Sincerely,</i></div>
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<i></i><br /></div>
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<i>Blackpurse</i><br />
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My reply was,<br />
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<i>Thank you Blackpurse</i></div>
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<i></i><br /></div>
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<i>Being new to such a world where there is so much at stake and emotions, feelings and thoughts are so heightened is a difficult time for anyone. Do browse through some of the Uncle Agony questions - and also the topics on A Kind Dom. There is much kind concern and thoughtful help from people in the community for those who are new to it and struggling.</i></div>
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<i>Having said that - there is no need to feel one is entering a club with certain membership rules. Basically you have started a new relationship and should treat it the same as any other relationship. Ultimately it is whether it is working out for </i><b><i>you</i></b><i>. Does it have the potential to fulfil you, to meet your needs, to make you happy? It is not about rules and assignments and commands. It is about you. There is no perfect bdsm scenario. No right way. No wrong way. Do what works right for you both and work out together what is right for you both.</i></div>
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<i>You write, </i>"... it's difficult for me to discuss it with him." <i>BDSM relationships are built on good communications. It is essential to be able to discuss hopes and fears, wants and desires, struggles and limits. Without good communications leading to trust, respect and commitment any such relationship can be dangerous. </i></div>
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<i>I feel that BDSM and D/s are built on a good relationship. Yes, they can strengthen such relationships, make them stronger and more intense but there needs to be a ground rock of care and respect to enable this potential.</i></div>
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<i>I worry, and I know regular readers of my blogs would be too, that with both of you being new to this world there is lots of potential for harm and things going wrong. He sounds as if he is trying hard to be a Dominant while still searching for that role within himself. He fears to listen to your own fears lest that appear a weakness. To be a strong Dominant one needs to know the needs of their submissive, be able to show care and respect for them and to have the skills and knowledge to ensure they are always safe. That is the least a submissive should expect. A submissive too has responsibilities. They need to be strong. Strong to be able to cope with demands that are challenging and stretch their preconceived notions. However they need too to be strong enough to know when it is not working, to be able to communicate this and yes, sometimes, to be able to walk away.</i></div>
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<i>I think it is very early days yet - and you should be able to both have fun exploring the possibilities of your roles and relationship. </i></div>
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<i>If it is kept </i>"mainly in the bedroom for now"<i> then that gives lots of time outside of the bedroom to discuss, plan and make sure it can work for both of you.</i></div>
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<i>You like him, enjoy his personality, have become extremely aroused. So there is lots of potential to make it work well. However if you are so often getting angry then things are not right - and if he has not picked up on that then it is a concern. These are very early days. I am sure it can be made to work if you </i><b><i>both</i></b><i> have a commitment to it. I hope his commitment is as strong as yours.</i></div>
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<i>Good luck Blackpurse. I truly hope it works out for you.</i></div>
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<i>Very best wishes</i></div>
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<i>Pygar</i></div>
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There are always difficulties in a new relationship. New BDSM relationships are no exception to that. However where both are new to BDSM as well then there is possibly potential for further difficulties and, as Blackpurse said in her header, <i>"abuse"</i>. Do readers have any constructive advice they can give her?</div>
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Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-18954002702024590222016-05-26T16:46:00.000+01:002016-05-26T16:46:28.264+01:00Is it time to release her... ?Graham has written a few times about his relationship. You can read earlier discussions <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2016/03/grahams-update.html" target="_blank">here</a>, <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/starting-anew.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/she-only-wants-online-relationship-can.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
<br />
I have just heard from him again. He writes,<br />
<blockquote>
Pygar<br />
<br />
Thought I would provide an update and could use yours and your readers thoughts<br />
<br />
My girl still feeling terrible guilt over our relationship. She loves me deeply, but feels she is being dishonest, deceitful and selfish in regards to her husband and children who are not aware of our relationship.<br />
<br />
Since we live close enough, I have wanted to be with her; but her fear of being discovered continues to hold her back and actually limits what we can do if and when we get together.<br />
<br />
I am very physical, and it's that aspect that causes her the most problem. She has told me if we eliminated the physical aspect (in real time) she can deal with her feelings in good conscience.<br />
<br />
That just doesn't work for me. I want and need a complete relationship which includes some physicality.<br />
<br />
We care deeply for each other, love each other unlike any others. I hate to see the stress and trauma she feels from her guilt, deceit, dishonest.<br />
<br />
She knows she can't get from her husband what I give her, but she can't handle the guilt the relationship brings.<br />
<br />
I love and want this girl very much, she is my one.....but I'm thinking if I truly act in her best interests, if I care, I should offer or in fact let her go....release her.<br />
<br />
We have been thru so much....but this is impacting her...and I hate to be the cause of her stress.<br />
<br />
Your thoughts?</blockquote>
My thoughts? Well I think Graham has worked it out for himself when he writes, <br />
<blockquote>
I love and want this girl very much, she is my one.....but I'm thinking if I truly act in her best interests, if I care, I should offer or in fact let her go....release her.<br />
<br />
We have been thru so much....but this is impacting her...and I hate to be the cause of her stress.</blockquote>
So yes, if he truly does want to <i>"act in her best interests, if I care,"</i> then should he <i>"offer or in fact let her go....release her."</i><br />
<br />
So I wonder what readers think. Is this the inevitable end? Should Graham release her?Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-24044599279743720002016-04-14T16:18:00.001+01:002016-04-14T16:18:40.856+01:00so lostI have received this email from Janet. She feels so very lost. Can you help her find her way forward?<br />
<blockquote>
<i>Hello,</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I've been trying to talk to friends and Samaritans about what I did, but it's just not helping. </i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I've been trying to talk to my boyfriend ( of about 6 years) that I want to explore polyamory. It's been tricky but we were getting somewhere, slowly but surely. I've also developed an intense attraction to a man who is currently in another country, I think it's part of what prompted me to talk more about polyamory. I've had these feelings for years long before I even met my boyfriend but tried to ignore them.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I caved I was on a night out for the first time in a long and I got a little drunk and kissed two of my female friends. While this happened I was sending very flirtatious messages to the other man. A few days later even though my boyfriend forgave me for kissing my friends I couldn't help it, for weeks it had been building up and I had text sex with the other man... Text sex hasn't done much for me in years but this did! It really did and in the middle of things I called him Master.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>My boyfriend found out, even though I deleted the conversations. He's been very depressed ever since. I've tried explaining to him that I don't love him any less, that there is nothing he's not doing for me. I can't bring myself to say "He appeals to a side of me you just cant understand."</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>We've agreed to go to counseling and he's finally calming down so I can try and tell him how I feel. Although I'm not sure what good it will do because he's admitted he would never have be willing to let me explore my sexuality at all with another man, only a woman. But how, how the hell do I explain why I'm upset he wont let me talk to him anymore? I love my boyfriend but I feel like I'm in pain without Master. </i><br />
<br />
<i>I feel so guilty for what I've done and I want to mend my relationship, but there are times I can't be around my boyfriend. I feel trapped and restrained. I know this is an awful, awful thing to say... But I resent him for it.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I also have no idea how to tell him that when I slept with him after the text sex but before he found out that it wasn't out of guilt. I felt alive! But when he touches me now there are times I just can't...</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Any and all help appreciated.</i></blockquote>
<br />
My reply was:<br />
<br />
<blockquote>
<i>You do sound as if you are finding a resolution to your current dilemmas very hard. You love your boyfriend but you know there are other aspects to your personality that you are not developing and expressing. You are unfulfilled and you can see a future that is not going to work for you. It is making you feel guilty, trapped and resentful. These are very difficult decisions. In the end they are decisions that only you can make. However even finding the words to write about the issues can sometimes help get them straight in your own mind. I hope that the very act of writing has been helpful. </i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>The key issue is that you have desires and needs that your boyfriend cannot or does not wish to meet. You need a polyamorous relationship yet he feels very threatened by that. I am sure many men would feel the same when a beautiful girlfriend expressed a need to have sex with other men. To be able to reassure him you will need to try to understand what his feelings and fears are. He may be very confused and frightened of losing you. The fact that you have gone to relationship therapy together to try to resolve it shows a commitment and willingness to understand the other on the part of both of you which is very positive.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I hope you do find a way of resolving these issues but it may be very difficult. I know a number of women who are in marriages and long term relationships where they have submissive needs that are not being met by their husband. Some of them put up with the situation. Others develop a secret life. Whichever they chose they are all unhappy in varying degrees. You will find some questions from women in this situation on Uncle Agony I think. So my worry is that if you do not resolve this situation with your boyfriend now and try to be faithful to him then in the longer term you too may experience this long term unhappiness.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>There seem to be two issues. One is the polyamory and the other seems to be a bdsm aspect. You have called your new man "Master" so I am assuming that you are also exploring submissive or bdsm experiences with him. There are two aspects here that have a desire for and have not yet had the opportunity to explore and experience fully. It may only be that through a fuller exploration you will discover what your true needs are. The problem then is trying to find someone to fulfill them. That could be your boyfriend if he is prepared to go on this journey with you. At the moment though he seems frightened by it and frightened of losing you. Though if he is not prepared to go at least half way then he may lose you anyway.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>First of all the polyamory issue. I wonder if you are looking for polyamorous relationships or polysexual ones? There is a big difference. I discussed this on the A Kind Dom blog here: <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/polyamorous-or-polysexual.html" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/<wbr></wbr>2016/01/polyamorous-or-<wbr></wbr>polysexual.html</a></i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Are you truly looking for a relationship of several people with a close emotional bond or are you looking for a wider variety of sexual encounters? The latter might be closer to "swinging". Is it partly that you would like to explore further your burgeoning bisexuality? Your boyfriend seems happier about you having relationships with other women. Might that be a place to start? If you found a broadminded female friend perhaps your boyfriend might be interested in joining your relationship. If the polyamory or polysexuality started in this way then perhaps your boyfriend might become happier about you also meeting with men if he was reassured about the context and a lack of threat to your own relationship. We men are very fragile creatures emotionally despite our hard outer shell! He may need lots of reassurance.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>There have been a number of other discussions on A Kind Dom about plolyamory some of which link to articles. You may find them useful reading. They are here:</i><br />
<a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2008/12/poly-relationships.html" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank"><i>http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/<wbr></wbr>2008/12/poly-relationships.<wbr></wbr>html</i></a><br />
<a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/polyamory.html" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank"><i>http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/<wbr></wbr>2013/06/polyamory.html</i></a><br />
<a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/polyamory-2-what-women-want.html" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank"><i>http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/<wbr></wbr>2013/07/polyamory-2-what-<wbr></wbr>women-want.html</i></a><br />
<a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/on-having-your-cake-and-eating-it.html" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank"><i>http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/<wbr></wbr>2013/07/on-having-your-cake-<wbr></wbr>and-eating-it.html</i></a><br />
<a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/back-from-berlin-and-another-article.html" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank"><i>http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/<wbr></wbr>2013/08/back-from-berlin-and-<wbr></wbr>another-article.html</i></a><br />
<a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/unfaithful-3-is-polyamory-solution.html" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank"><i>http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/<wbr></wbr>2015/09/unfaithful-3-is-<wbr></wbr>polyamory-solution.html</i></a><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Then what about your desire for a "Master".Does your relationship with your boyfriend have a D/s aspect? Is a search for this partly why you want relationships with another man? How strong are your submissive feelings (if any). Is it rather that you have an eagerness for more kinky or experimental sex? Can your boyfriend meet any of these needs or is part of the need for it to be with someone else? Is there any "cuckolding" aspect of this where you gain power over your boyfriend through having sex with others?</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>There is no judgement intended in any of the above. I am asking questions in the hope that in thinking through the answers it might give you a clearer view of exactly what you want and the extent to which your boyfriend can be encouraged to be part of this. If it works well it could enhance your relationship into something so much more. However I am sure you are aware that the other possibility is that it could herald the end of your relationship.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>You have some very hard if not almost impossible decisions.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Good luck with them.</i></blockquote>
Can you help reader? Is there a way that Janet can work through this with her boyfriend or does she need a new start to explore her desires and develop her personality?Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-34395504137790631472016-03-10T12:30:00.000+00:002016-03-10T12:30:23.038+00:00Graham's updateGraham wrote to Uncle Agony with a relationship <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/she-only-wants-online-relationship-can.html" target="_blank">here</a>. He wrote in again with an update <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/starting-anew.html" target="_blank">here</a>. In summary his partner is married and her guilt and fears of getting caught have resulted in a number of strategies including an online relationship.<br />
<br />
The relationship seemed to have developed in very positive ways as Graham describes below. However Graham is finding it difficult to know how to cope with his partner's feelings of guilt.<br />
<blockquote>
<i>Thought I would provide an update and ask you and your readers for some thoughts</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Since last September we have been very committed to our relationship and our love has grown.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>We took a vacation together where we experienced all the physical experiences we have been wanting and needing......</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>But there is one aspect that nags at us....and that is why I'm writing</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>At times as you know our relationship seems like a roller coaster ride.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>This comes from her deep need regarding her submission....and the guilt she feels from being married ( our relationship is secret) and her desire not to hurt her family and friends if she (we) are discovered.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>At times she says she can't look at herself in the mirror - over the "fraud" she is committing. .....and then feels inclined to back off.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>This of course is the opposite where I would like things to go, but her fear about being in public, doing touching in a car, even getting a hotel room, has little appeal for her. I'm ok anyway I can to be together.....and would like more.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I suggested we lease an apartment, or buy a condo or motor home.....and while initially she thought that was a good thing......the guilt overwhelmed her and she doesn't want to talk about .</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>She has been married over 30 years with wonderful children and good friends and she doesn't want to hurt anyone.....but she says I am the only one who can give her all that she needs and wants. We do love eachother very much.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I want to care and support her everyday I can.....but when these guilt feelings come over her....I'm not sure what I can do to help.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Any thoughts?</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Graham</i></blockquote>
I replied,<br />
<blockquote>
<i>I know of many women whose husband could not or would not meet their submissive needs who have taken on clandestine relationships purely to meet that need. However they continue to love their family and husband. That is what causes the guilt.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>You say she loves you and of course in a way she does because you meet her needs and have a close and intimate relationship and enjoy spending time together. However she has another life that she does not want to give up and knows she is in danger of causing severe hurt and distress to people she loves who have done nothing to deserve it.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>If you want to help her then you need to try to understand her and recognise that this is not a rejection of you but a natural response to the necessary secrecy of her life with you and what she may see as a betrayal of those closest to her. If you truly wish her to be fulfilled then you need to work with her to try to address and resolve those issues. I worry you may just want the issues to disappear so you can each enjoy what you have together. I don't think though that it is going to disappear and there is little you can do that will help that happen. What you can do is to recognise her distress, understand it and try to help her find her own way of coming to terms with it.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Does that make any sense?</i></blockquote>
So readers, what do you think? What should Graham do?Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-75550537461145840282016-01-21T12:49:00.000+00:002016-01-21T12:49:18.176+00:00Can a vanilla man with a dominant personality keep his kinky girlfriend?I have often received emails from female submissives who are frustrated that their boyfriend/husband is vanilla and asking for advice. Then a few days ago I received an email that discussed the situation from the vanilla partner's point of view. John wrote to me as follows,<br />
<br />
<i></i><br />
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.5px;"><i>"Hey.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I honestly stumbled across your blog after searching the term “help, my BF is Vanilla”. Sorry about the length I have to get this out to someone...</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I met Sarah (*name changed) approximately 7 months ago; she moved in after one month of dating. I was looking for a housemate, she was looking for a room – it just kind of worked out… although it was odd dating and living together so soon.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>About 4 months in to our relationship I opened up my laptop and Sarah's emails were open. She had been regularly writing to a “Daddy” and they had met like 15 times over a 2 month period for spanking sessions. Shit hit the fan as you can imagine. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t come to me for spanking. I treat her like an absolute princess; but I’m also a dominant kinda guy; I’m certainly not one to be controlled; I do the controlling.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>She told me she really has a thing for older men. Anyway; we decide to give it another shot. I am actually nice and tell her she can see her “Daddy”, she just needs to be honest and open with me. I have a thing for escorts; and when I’m with the escort I like to be dominant; so if it has to be an older guy that she “needs” to see; then that’s OK – when she see’s him; I can see an escort… fair deal. She decides she doesn’t want to see him; she wants to “work things out with me”.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>She is a bit awkward at times; and I have to be honest, it wasn’t the “Daddy” thing that got to me, it was the lies. Anytime I saw any bruising near her bum, I would freak out. It happened several times; but she swore she hadn’t seen him. Trust, became a big thing. Anytime she was on her phone, i'd get anxious. </i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I opened up the laptop today; her emails were open again. She had been trying to find a new apartment. I asked her what the hell was going on; and she said, “sometimes I don’t think we’ll work – that was one of those days”… it was 4 days ago. I asked her to leave; and she said it was best if we ended</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Then I opened up her facebook (it was on my laptop)…</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>- She had planned to meet a guy for a spanking a month ago</i><br />
<i>- On Jan 5th she told a couple in NYC that she has been talking to for years (they've had kink sessions together), she was going to be breaking up with her BF in a week or two, he’s too Vanilla</i><br />
<i>- She set up a new Fetlife account about 4 months ago and is the sub of a guy named “headmaster”; AND has been continuing to see her Daddy even though she told me she wasn't... which explains all the late nights at work!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>… She has basically been outright lying to me (And I could sense something was up... so I basically had a reason to be getting anxious!)</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Now, I’m not an angel. I regularly pay webcam girls; after I found out about the Daddy, I cheated on her twice in a two day span (once with an escort and once with some girl at a conference).</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>BUT… I was honest, I told her, and tell her everything!!!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Here’s the thing. Put the BDSM thing aside. We get on really well. We have all the same interests, we have the same values… it’s just this one thing. Oh, and even though I’m quite a dominant guy; our sex life is awful. It’s her giving me a BJ and then she gets on top. That’s it. That really is it; every time. And if not the BJ, just the straight sex. It’s not what either of us want.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>So, what do I do about her? Is she a lost cause? She’s been going behind my back OUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP! But I love her. I really love her. Yes, I may pay webcam girls to play with each other, but once it’s done, all I want to do is cuddle up to Sarah. </i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>It's like she's two girls. One that cuddles up to me, makes me Dinner, plays boardgames with me etc etc, and then a Fetlife Sl*t (she used the term not me). I can deal with the Fetlife Sl*t; I can't deal with the fact that she'd rather open up to a complete stranger about her kinks than me; SHE CAN TRUST ME!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Is there any way to get her to open up to me? I might not be the right guy to spank her, but I JUST WANT HER TO BE HONEST WITH ME. If she was honest, and told me that she wanted to go get spanked senseless by an older guy whilst I was fucking some hooker on a couch; and then we’d meet up and have dinner, then cuddle up o a couch and watch a movie… I’d be cool with that!!!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I just don’t know what to do. It’s like, on one page we’re perfect but on another, I don’t know who she is. Is this girl a lost cause? Like, if only the BDSM thing didn't exist, she'd be perfect wife material :( And, if only I didn't have a thing for phone sex with escorts i'd be perfect BF material. No other GF has accepted it, but she has. And I WOULD ACCEPT THE SPANKING ETC... IF SHE WAS HONEST... she just lies SO MUCH!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Please respond; I don't know anyone else I can ask about this!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>John."</i></div><br />
<br />
I replied,<br />
<br />
<i></i><br />
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.5px;"><i>"Hello John</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Thanks for your interesting email. I'm sorry things are not going well in your relationship at the moment. I do hope you find some way of resolving it but it is not looking promising at the moment! I often get emails from women who are into spanking or submission but cannot get their boyfriends or husbands to dominate them. It is interesting to get an email describing the situation from the other side. Your girlfriend describes you as being too vanilla yet you are dominant and would be prepared to take that role with her yet she still seems to need something else. You too explore other sexual needs elsewhere and are prepared to have an open relationship with her. So in theory there should be a way of sorting this out.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>The one thing that seems to stand in the way is that you feel she is being dishonest with you. If you cannot trust each other then a D/s relationship is never going to work. In fact some level of trust has to be restored before you can start to rebuild your vanilla relationship. She may feel aggrieved that you have been reading her private correspondence even though it was inadvertently left open. </i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>I think a lot of talking and serious discussion is needed if that trust is to be re-established so that you can move forward. My worry is that it is already too late.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>However if you genuinely love her then it is important that you talk - and that you are sure you are listening clearly to her also. It is important to be honest - and to give her the space to be honest as well. Can you both find a way of doing this without it becoming an argument? If you can find a way of structuring it so that you both feel that you have had your opportunity to say what you feel and have been listened to, each with a genuine attempt to understand the other then there is the possibility of moving forward. It will need a commitment from each of you. </i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>It may though just be that your strong feelings for her are not reciprocated. In such a case then perhaps no amount of discussion is going to work.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Be honest with her and ask her to be honest with you. Then you can each decide if a continuing relationship can work out. It may well be that you can negotiate something worthwhile within an open context.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Good luck with it.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> <i>Pygar"</i></div><br />
<br />
So what advice would you give to John? Can it be talked through or are they incompatible? Would an open relationship work for each of them? Or is it a matter of honesty?Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-22187995599296469132015-11-30T15:23:00.000+00:002015-11-30T15:23:08.591+00:00An email from Mary in response to the previous postIn the post below, "<a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/should-i-leave-my-partner-to-explore-my.html" target="_blank">Should I leave my partner to explore my submissive desires?</a>", there was a very supportive discussion in response to Mary's dilema.<br />
<br />
Mary has now written me an email to give an update. She writes,<blockquote><i>I wondered if you could post this email up on your blog, to say thankyou to all the people who took the trouble to read and give their helpful advice to my recent email. I am in the process of separating from my partner, and, although my heart has been shattered by this decision and by the loss of my Mum, I feel it is the right thing to do. I need to feel whole again.<br />
<br />
It remains to be seen whether I fully embrace my submissiveness, although I feel, in my gut, that this process has already started.<br />
<br />
I’m going to give myself the time I need to let myself heal from recent tragedies and make a decision when I feel the time is right.<br />
<br />
It’s so good to know that there are people out in the world who are kind and generous enough to give sensible and heartfelt advice to others.<br />
Thankyou all again.</i></blockquote>Thank you, Mary, for updating us all on how things are going for you. I am pleased you have found the advice and support of readers helpful. I am sure they will all share with me in wishing you good luck.Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-15725177532480993712015-11-05T12:41:00.000+00:002015-11-05T12:41:43.185+00:00Should I leave my partner to explore my submissive desires?I received an interesting email recently from Mary. She has been going through a difficult time recently. Is now the time to leave her partner and explore her submissive nature? This is what she wrote:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>I’m writing to you in the hope that you’ll be able to help me find a way through a very difficult situation.<br />
<br />
In January of this year, I lost my mother to cancer, and soon after, began to have regular chats online with a male friend. This man is a friend of both my partner and I, and I know that he has always found me attractive.<br />
<br />
Gradually, we got to know more about each other, and he has opened a Pandora’s Box. Through talking, I have found out that I have deep rooted sub desires, desires that I have suppressed, probably since I was a child.<br />
<br />
I feel that my grief has brought a lot of uncomfortable truths to the surface, and I now have to face them.<br />
<br />
He has been a Dom for a great many years, and has a lot of experience.<br />
<br />
He wants me to be his sub and life partner, although I am in a relationship. This relationship is not going well, and may have to end. I can’t see a way forward. I am strongly drawn to exploring these sub desires, with him, as I feel that it could go a long way to making me rediscover myself.<br />
<br />
I’m very unhappy and depressed, and I want to experience being a sub. Now it’s been uncovered, I don’t think I can suppress it any longer.<br />
<br />
I wondered whether anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they coped with it.<br />
<br />
It’s tearing me apart.<br />
<br />
Thanks. x</i></blockquote>
There seemed to be a number of issues here so I replied:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>I am sorry you are feeling so unhappy and distressed. You are asking if anyone else may have been in a similar situation in the hope they may be able to offer advice from their own experience. I hope readers will feel free to comment.<br />
<br />
For what it is worth here are my own few thoughts - though I have no special claim to wisdom and in the end you will need to decide yourself what is the best way forward.<br />
<br />
Major events such as bereavement can often make one reflect on their lives and question them. That is perfectly natural and quite common. So I know you are not alone there. <br />
<br />
While reflecting on your life and reviewing possibilities is good and positive, making life changing decisions when in a state of depression may not always be the best timing. <br />
<br />
You say that your relationship with your current partner is not going well and may have to end. May I ask if you have any children together and whether your decision will therefore also affect others?<br />
<br />
There seem to be a couple of different interrelated issues to consider. The first is your relationship with your present partner. I wonder if you had not started the online relationship with your Dom friend whether you would be still dissatisfied with your current relationship. Might you have been considering him anyway even if you did not have another relationship on the horizon? I suppose I am asking whether you are considering leaving him for someone else or because you need to leave him anyway for your own sanity and growth.<br />
<br />
The next question is whether you should start a relationship with your Dom friend and explore your submissive desires. This seems to me to be a separate issue from whether you want to leave your current partner and should perhaps be decided as such.<br />
<br />
In starting to explore submission with a new partner there are serious issues of trust to be thought through. It sounds as if you have known this man ell for some time in other contexts and so know him well. He says he wants to commit to you and become your life partner. These are big promises when as yet if I understand correctly you are platonic friends who have been exploring other possibilities online. Neither of you yet can be sure that a Dom/sub relationship will work for you. You are eager to discover your true nature but are not sure yet what it is.<br />
<br />
It might be that you are very lucky and you have found a man who will help you explore your nature and express your desires within a loving and caring relationship. It may be that he has the skills to be able to help you explore. But do you know that? I wonder how much you know of that side of his life and his own needs, desires and nature.<br />
<br />
In the end you must decide. It could be an exciting journey. However it has its own dangers and pitfalls. So take care Mary.<br />
<br />
Good luck. I do hope you are able to make a decision that you are comfortable with and that it brings you some lasting happiness and fulfillment.</i></blockquote>
I know that Mary would be very pleased to receive comments from readers.Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-61668730395112475872015-09-10T14:06:00.001+01:002015-09-10T14:06:34.715+01:00starting anewIn an earlier post, <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/she-only-wants-online-relationship-can.html" target="_blank">She only wants an online relationship ... can it work?</a> Graham wrote about his doubts about making an online relationship work. I head from him later that he hand his girl had sadly split up. He wrote,<br />
<blockquote>
<i>
I'm afraid this story does not have a happy ending.
<br />
While both of us love each other, we were not able to reconcile the physicality aspect.
<br />
I wanted and needed to express that part of me and she did not. Ultimately, she chose that path because she did not want the risk nor to be the cause of any hurt to others. She said she just doesn't need it
<br />
I am terribly sad - even devastated to think I lost the girl I loved so deeply.
<br />
She told me just to go find the girl who will fulfill my needs
<br />
Not so simple, and not something I truly want in my heart
<br />
I love and want her. Not something I can turn on and off like a switch</i>
</blockquote>
Then I received another email from him. It seems he and his girl are back together and trying to make it work,
<br />
<blockquote>
<i>
Pygar and Baby Girl
<br />
I find myself in new territory and I would appreciate your thoughts about this.
<br />
Both my "old" girl and I are totally miserable over the concept of moving on and not being together.
We both don't want it, but some damage has occurred.
<br />
We actually are discussing what we might be able to do to reconcile the differences between what I want and
want she is willing to do.
<br />
Afterall, we do love each other and we want to be together.
<br />
The discussion are very open and frank, and center on the "more I want and need" and her feeling totally comfortable and safe, along
with some guilt because she doesn't want to hurt her husband in any way.
<br />
Whether this can result in something that works for us remains to be seen and any advise and opinion you can offer will be greatly appreciated.....<br />
because as you know I want us to work.
<br />
the interesting issue is if we can "reconcile" - how do we get totally back into our routine. I shook her confidence and created huge uncertainly by saying it was time to move on.<br />
I have never been in a relationship where this occurred and then got back into it.
<br />
She most likely will always wonder why I ended it..........and will be cautious and reserved. im not sure if there is anything I can say or do to remove the uncertainly which is
plaguing her.
<br />
How do we return to the total dynamic we had..........and if we do "more" - she might resent it...as her way of staying in this..even though she didn't want it to go there initially.
<br />
how does she totally love without reservation - be totally obedient.....after all this?
<br />
Can you get back into this..........?
<br />
Thanks
</i>
</blockquote>
Well ... I'm really not sure. Has the nreak up totally destroyd the dynamic? Can Graham and his girl make it work? Can they start afresh?
I am sure he would welcome any thoughts and advice that readers may have.
Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-67827406392210213992015-08-13T18:09:00.000+01:002015-08-13T18:09:05.873+01:00She only wants an online relationship ... can it work?While I was still in Shanghai I received this email from Graham. He is in love and wants a real time D/s relationship but his girl only wants online ...
<br />
<blockquote>
<i>Hi Pygar
<br /><br />
I must say before I continue how much I enjoy your blog. I find your writing excellent and thought provoking; and your content very topical.</i>
<i>
I could use your advice. I am in my third D/s relationship in my life. And I must tell you everyone is quite different.
<br /><br />
My girl and I did not start out expecting or even wanting to be in a relationship - we became friends. - then fell in love and now we are in this thing. It's wonderful and difficult at the same time.</i>
<br />
<br />
<i>
I am romantic, driven by love....and that makes all things possible.
</i>
<i>The "challenges" stem from the fact that my girl only wants an online relationship. That by itself has challenges when you want so much to be actually doing what you describe. You want to be tying the rope, not having her do it. </i><br />
<i>
You also want the moments, sexual or not, to be precious, fun, exciting and have as much of a degree as real as can be.
<br /><br />
My girl does not cam, phone, FaceTime or any other means other than typing in a box. You can tell I would like more, but that will never be possible.
<br /><br />
She is married, with a family, and has a very active sexual life with her husband. So being with me isn't the number one priority and our time together must be according to her availability and schedule.
<br /><br />
Seeing her is possible, but the risk of being discovered is a overwhelming concern of hers. ( I am more comfortable with risk)
<br /><br />
I very romantic and affectionate, so she doesn't always follow my simple rules and protocols all the time. Actually punishing one online is challenging.
<br /><br />
I can not mark her in any way.
<br /><br />
I am in love with her....want more....and find myself thinking about wanting to actually do what I think about.
<br /><br />
I'd like your thought about how to support such a dynamic over the long run....so we don't run out of steam. I need to keep our intimacy exciting, arousing and stimulating - while meeting the needs and wants we both have from our relationship.
<br /><br />
Communicating only in a box is difficult, because expression and reflection are lost; and one can assume and misinterpret what is being said.
<br /><br />
Trust can easily be swayed.
So please, I'd like to hear your thoughts one keeping the bright light fully illuminated over the long run, keeping intimacy exciting, how to effectively punish in this dynamic, and dealing with the desire to do more...and raise the bar.
<br /><br />
Many thanks
<br /><br />
Graham</i></blockquote>
I replied,<br />
<blockquote>
<i>Hello Graham
</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Thanks for your interesting email - thank you also for the compliments on the blog.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>First can I say that in the past I have found that online relationships van be very, very intense. There is something about the written word that can be very powerful. I have become very close to subs online and have some lasting friendships. I have also had some very powerful real life encounters that have resulted from initial online relationships.
</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>It can work - if you both want it to and are committed to it.
</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>It is different from real time. There is of course not the direct physical contact but the emotional and psychological side can be even stronger.
</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Yes you can punish online. If she is not following your protocols and instructions then that needs discussing and sorting out in just the same way as if she was finding it difficult to carry out your instructions face to face.
</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>In the end it will come down to the level of commitment that each of you are prepared to give to it. If you both want to make it work then it can do. However you may find that it just does not work for you in which case you will have to be honest about that too.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Best wishes
</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Pygar</i></blockquote>
My reply was very hurried while I was away. I wonder if readers may have more thoughtful and insightful suggestions? Do add them to the comments. Thanks.<br />
<br />Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-20986635499953788122014-12-17T21:01:00.000+00:002014-12-17T21:01:42.484+00:00letting go ...Bitch wrote a comment on an old post <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/scared.html" target="_blank">here</a> on <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">A Kind Dom</a>. It was,<br />
<blockquote>
"<i>You can call me Bitch. :) I long to remain submissive, but sometimes I can't seen to keep my mouth shut when Master says to. I'm terrified of disappointing him, but I'm so strong willed. I've always had this part of me that longed to be dominated, but I'm also a person who is in control of my life. Balancing what I want in the bedroom and who I am outside the bedroom is difficult. I need advice on how to "let go" and be a good little Bitch. Thank you.</i>"
</blockquote>
How does one find that balance if one is strong? She is in control yet yearns to be a good submissive and not disappoint her Master.
How can she "<i>let go</i>" and truly become a "<i>good little Bitch</i>"? Have any of you had this struggle? How did you resolve it?Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-79982376129294927602014-06-19T12:16:00.003+01:002014-06-19T12:17:32.761+01:00self harmAna raised some questions about self-harm in comments to posts on <i><a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">A Kind Dom</a></i>. I have written a post in reply and asking for the views or readers <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/can-ds-help-support-those-with-desire.html" target="_blank">here</a>. I hope readers of Uncle Agony might be interested.<br />
<br />
So ... <br />
<br />
... <a href="http://a D/s relationship might help her meet her desire to self harm but in a more constructive way?" target="_blank">can a D/s relationship help meet a desire to self harm but in a more constructive way?</a>Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-19727900836121353672014-06-01T22:46:00.000+01:002014-06-01T22:46:58.505+01:00on being controlling or being controlledOn a recent post on A Kind Dom about <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/02/submission-pain-and-masochism.html" target="_blank">submission, pain and masochism</a> Lauren asked a number of questions in the comments section. One of the questions <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/02/submission-pain-and-masochism.html?showComment=1400919635968#c6860773643337617682" target="_blank">here</a> related to being controlling yet yearning to be controlled:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>a certain personal life event has made me come to realise that I, in
general life, am very controlling, yet I yearn to be controlled by a
man...
</i><br />
<br />
<i>by being controlling in every other aspect of my life... And also
wanting to be submissive at the same time... I feel it is wrong?
I associate being submissive also with being feminine... And by being
controlling I feel like I am going against my sex and this also feels
wrong...
</i><br />
<br />
<i>pygar, can you please help me and give me some of your insight.</i></blockquote>
I am sure I do not have any special insight - but perhaps my readers do. Please feel free to comment.<br />
<br />
Is there any contradiction between having a controlling personality and a desire to be controlled?<br />
<br />
Is there an association between being submissive and being feminine?<br />
<br />
What do readers think?Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-84376855282480048352014-04-24T09:36:00.000+01:002014-04-24T09:36:12.650+01:00a double lifeAnonymous recently posted a comment <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/my-husband-cannot-begin-to-be-man-i-need.html?showComment=1397393591336#c7962478677582739712" target="_blank">here</a> to the earlier topic "<a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/my-husband-cannot-begin-to-be-man-i-need.html" target="_blank">My husband cannot begin to be the man I need ...</a>"
<br />
<blockquote>
<i>"Hi, I too am married with 3 kids living a double life. I was dreadfully
unhappy and went seeking sex. I met my Dom and the obviousness of my
submissive self started pouring out. It you test the water be prepared
to swim.. Once you get to express yourself this way, it becomes
undeniable. If anyone knows of any blogs of women in this situation
please post, I would love to read.thx"</i></blockquote>
A follow up post by flogginfloozie mentioned her own blog <a href="http://ourwickedgames.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
<br />
Are any other readers in a similar position? Have you tested the water? Did you sink or swim?<br />
<br />
Do you know of other blogs of women in this situation?Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-62674007669518851992014-03-06T20:14:00.001+00:002014-03-06T20:14:30.206+00:00Is a BDSM relationship the answer?I have just heard from Sh. She has never been sexually satisfied in previous relationships. Might BDSM be the answer for her? Here is her email. <br />
<blockquote>
I have never been
in a relationship that was considered as D/S. Granted I was in a
domination relationship where my ex used physical/mental abuse against
me but not one of dominance. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
</div>
<div>
That being said, I have started reading more and more
about the relationship and the importance linked to the relationship
between a dom and is sub. I am 44 years old, extremely independent and
have never had a relationship where the sex was truly gratifying to the
point I was sated afterwards. I know that doesn't say much since I have
had few partners and have now gone more than 10 years without sex
because why have sex casually when it does not achieve the results I
seek. I have tended to be the one in control in the realm of sex when it
comes to my past lovers because I knew what I needed but never achieved
satisfying those needs because my lovers never took control as I had
wanted. This was even after telling them straight out that I wanted them
to control what happened. Don't get me wrong, I know how to satisfy my
partner. Thinking
it was me instead of the lack of connection of my partner I started
reading information about sexual satisfaction which led me to BDSM
information. I tend to research the heck out of anything before I ask
more questions and now comes my questions. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1. In the realm of a dom/sub relationship is truly about pleasure and mutual satisfaction? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
2.
I know there are how to books on being a submissive and such (as you
have listed on your page) but how do you begin to get into this type of
relationship? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
3. Safety is always been an issue with me since my
first relationship was so abusive. Do Doms actually take safety is a
priority or is it just the romanticism portrayed in books that show that
it is a priority? I am not meaning code words or signals but actual
safety. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
4. I am allergic to latex which is another reason I don't do casual sex. Would this type of thing be an issue?<br />
<br />
I
know these may sound like trivial things but I have learned that you
cannot always gain the truth by books. Romanticism of facts tends to
override facts when trying to attempt to change the viewpoints of
things. </div>
<div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<div>
I responded like this.<br />
<blockquote>
The things you ask about are not trivial at all. I can understand why all your questions are very important to you.<br />
<br />
You have explained about your abusive previous relationship,
your natural dominance in sexual encounters and your lack of physical
satisfaction in sexual relationships. After more than ten years
abstinence, when you are clearly a very sexual woman, I can imagine you
are keen to find a way forward. BDSM can seem very thrilling from the
outside. And yes, it can be. Very. It can also be as mundane as any
relationship. The key is maintaining a level of intensity. BDSM can
contribute to that intensity but as in any other relationship both
partners have to be committed to making it work. Some find it more
difficult to find a dominant partner than a vanilla partner. You want
all the things you want from a vanilla partner and more. The levels of
trust needed are even more important because of the safety issues -
physical and mental.<br />
<br />
I am wondering what has made you decide that you would like to
be the submissive in a relationship? On the positive side giving up
control can be a very intense and satisfying experience for some. There
are also many who have controlling instincts in their character and who
are dominant in their day to day life who get great satisfaction from
being able to give up that control to someone else for a period. It can
help de-stress and rebalance them. On the
negative side I worry just a little in case there are remnants of your
abusive relationship where you miss some of that abuse in some strange
way. In my view that would not be a good reason to embrace submission
though there are many subs who have had an abused history.<br />
<br />
So on to your questions! These are just my own views. I hope readers of Uncle Agony will contribute their own comments.<br />
<br />
1.
Is a sub/dom relationship truly about pleasure and mutual satisfaction?
It can be. It perhaps should be. For many it truly is. However as with
any relationship this requires the commitment of both partners. In many
D/s relationships it purports to be about the pleasure of the Dom. The
sub gains her own pleasure from pleasing the Dom. it is why she submits.
However I like to give my sub pleasure. It makes me happy also to know
that she is happy. But that is just the stuff of normal relationships.
Perhaps D/s ones are no different.<br />
<br />
2. How do you get into this kind of relationship? Well that is
always hard. Getting a compatible new partner of any kind can be
difficult let alone a dominant one. I wrote about it some time on Uncle
Agony <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2009/05/how-do-i-find-dom.html#comment-form" target="_blank">here</a> and again <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/at-loss.html" target="_blank">here</a>. There are friendly <i>munches </i>where like minded
people meet up purely socially and there are play events where people
are not pressurised to take part. There are online networking sites like
<a href="http://fetlife.com/" target="_blank">fetlife.com</a>.
You might find others in your area through something like that. As with
all internet contacts - take care. You may even find a friendly blogger
lives near you!<br />
<br />
3. Yes safety is a major issue. Of course all Doms should take
it very seriously. However Doms are human. Some of them are careless,
manipulative, uncaring or just plain ignorant like in any other cross
section of the community. It is important at the start that you take
responsibility for your own safety and only engage in potentially
dangerous activity when you have built a real and firm trust - and even
then question and discuss safety.<br />
<br />
4. Is an allergy to latex an issue? Well if you want sex with
men who are not virgins then yes it is an issue if you cannot use
condoms. Sex does not have to be part of D/s or BDSM play. Some are into
very specific aspects such as bondage, corporal punishment,
objectification or fetish activity. However sex forms the core for many.
You say that you have never been sated from sex. That is a key part of
your desires. Clearly when you are in a long term relationship with someone you
trust and whose sexual history you know then it will no longer be an
issue - especially if you both have tests at a sexual health clinic.
Until then I am not sure what to advise. Penetration is not essential
for enjoyable sex. However many men think it is so you may turn many off
through refusing it as you cannot use a condom.<br />
<br />
Good luck. I am sure though that some of my readers will give better advice than I have done.</blockquote>
So dear reader. There is a challenge for you. Is a BDSM relationship the answer for Sh? Or do you have thoughts about her specific questions? </div>
Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-20562387613378794442014-01-23T18:18:00.000+00:002014-01-23T18:18:46.250+00:00how to make a punishment more severe or effective<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I received an interesting email recently - very different from the usual questions I am asked. LL finds that during a punishment beating her bottom soon starts to go numb which rather ruins the point of it. Here is her email which will explain. </span></span><br />
<blockquote>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Uncle Agony,<br /><br />My husband of nearly 20 yrs and I have been pursuing DD and a D/s dynamic in our relationship for the past year.<br /><br />In that time, we've progressed from very light paddles, a 5-gallon paint stick, a paddle-style hairbrush, & wooden spoons of varying weights & densities to a thin heavy plastic/rubbery stick, and his implement of choice - the poplar paddle (he's a carpenter. He's got a thing for wood 😏</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">). The paddle is 3"x12"x3/4" - not including the handle.<br /><br />Our problem is that by the time a session gets uncomfortable enough to be effective punishment, I'm already beginning to go numb. He always does a warm-up (with the paint stick), and has developed the habit of taking a couple of breaks during a session to lecture & switch implements. Our most recent punishment session left me in a very dark place emotionally. It felt very much as if the session was cut off in the middle - there was no closure at all.<br /><br />What recommendations can you make to help us make punishment more severe/effective? (I understand that severe & effective aren't always the same thing, but I believe that in this instance they are closely related.) I feel that we may need to move on to a more severe implement. If so, what would that be? I've been wondering if a tawse or other fairly heavy leather implement would be more effective.<br /><br />Any suggestions you have would be very much appreciated.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />LL </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Here is my response.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></span>
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear LL</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span><br />
I am not sure that spanking is my
main area of expertise though I admit to enjoying giving spankings and
beatings. My approach tends to be sensual rather than with the aim of
inflicting maximum pain. However I am sure there will be readers of
Uncle Agony who have the same approach as yourselves. In both approaches
though the aim is to create, maintain and increase sensation. Numbness
of course spoils the whole point.<br />
<br />
So how best to maintain maximum sensation?<br />
<br />
I
wonder first if you might already be starting off a little harshly. Yes
it needs to hurt - but the start is perhaps more to get the nerve
endings sensitised so that they feel the later action more rather than
less. So I suggest you start almost gently and build more slowly.<br />
<br />
The other main point though that is most important is frequent
long pauses with rubbing of the bottom and perhaps squeezing or even
scratching it lightly. The pauses for stroking should be at least two to
three minutes long. That may seem rather long and a waste of good
spanking time. However I think you will find after each pause that the
sensations are greater and there is less numbness.<br />
<br />
You might also vary and alternate between different types of
implement and experiment with using them in a different order. A lot of
your instruments seem to be heavy and thuddy as opposed to light and
whippy. A thin light cane can cause a very different pain from a heavy
paddle. Each will have a different physical effect and there are dangers
of different kind of damage. A heavy paddle can cause deep bruising yet
a thin cane has more likelihood of breaking the skin. While it is of
course nice to leave marks my personal preference is not to cause longer
lasting damage. In any case the nature of Inès' work is such that she
cannot have obvious and long lasting marks. A tawse, strap or belt
gives a very different kind of sensation - also floggers and whips.<br />
<br />
I hope this is of some help. However I am sure thre will be more expertise among my readers I hope we will get some more
suggestions from my readers.<br />
<br />
Good luck and happy spanking<br />
<br />
Pygar
</blockquote>
So dear readers. Have you expertise in this area? Have I got it wrong? What would you suggest?Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-67966891484229706962014-01-09T11:30:00.000+00:002014-01-09T11:30:40.297+00:00Learning about DominanceI have just had an interesting exchange of emails with J. He is interested in learning more about dominance but has not found the resources he seeks. I publish our emails below.<br />
<blockquote>
Hello there!<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am interested in learning more about
the brass tacks of Dominance in so far as scene crafting and basic
how-to's. Most of what I have seen out there from an educational
standpoint seems to be slave training or stuff geared toward
submissives. My sub and I have attended a few workshops here and there
when time allows, but I don't know any other Dom/mes that I can
skillshare with or bounce ideas off of. Another issue is that I identify
as a feminist and I want to steer clear of people who aren't respectful
to gender minorities and/or don't have a proper understanding of power
and privileges that play out in our non-BDSM lives. Can you offer any
advice or connect me with anyone who can give some insight to newly out
Dom/mes? Is there anything you've read that has been particularly
enlightening? I'm considering getting the Topping and Bottoming books
and I have read The Loving Dominant. Something that's less theory and
more "meat" would be much appreciated.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Thanks!</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
J</div>
</blockquote>
<div>
I replied,</div>
<blockquote>
I don't beleive that there are right or wrong ways
to be a Dominant - other than in the ethical sense and that is what led
me to start writing the "A Kind Dom" blog. I wanted to esplore the
ethical contradivtions in kindness and being dominant. I also wanted to
look at the danger of emotionally or psychologically vulnerable
submissives becoming being manipulated or abused. I too would identify
as a feminist and have discussed it on the blog <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2008/09/feminism.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/submission-and-feminism.html" target="_blank">here</a>. There was an interesting comment by Remittance Girl which also discussed feminism <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/role-of-submission-in-shamelessness.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
<br />
I have come across many submissive bloggers who would describe
themselves as feminists. A quick Google comes up with lots. Though
there are many others for whom feminism is an anathema. Everyone is
different and I believe it is for each of us to come up with our own
model of what works for us in a respectful and trusting relationship.<br />
<br />
Reading though can help you find lots of other ideas and models. As well as <i>The Loving Dominant</i> I have listed a number of books on <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Uncle Agony</a> that have been recommended by readers and a few websites.<br />
<br />
You may also find that joining a kinky social networking site like <a href="https://fetlife.com/" target="_blank">Fetlife</a>
will help you find like minded networks of people with whom you can
discuss your thoughts and learn from them. Even just reading personal
bdsm blogs can give a special insight into how real people live their
lives within a bdsm framework.</blockquote>
<br />
I suggested that I publish J's email on Uncle Agony in the hope that readers may respond. He replied positively and added,
<br />
<blockquote>
<div>
Part of my desire to learn more as a Dom/me (spelled thusly because
I am gender fluid) stems from my desired to dominate ethically and with
the psychological wellbeing of my submssive (who is also my wife) intact. I have been a member of FetLife for approximately two years, and
while it's a great way to network, resources for feminist Dominants are
lacking on there as well. I was drawn to your blog after I made contact
with a Dom who initially said things I appreciate, but digging into
other writings of his revealed him to be quite problematic and
misogynistic. </div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
I suppose I shall continue my search. I've
considered just trying to learn as much as I can from a Dom/me who might
be problematic, while actively filtering out that which I know doesn't
jive with my consciousness. But damn, that feels like a daunting task!
It also leaves one vulnerable to being associated with someone who
doesn't have a great track record, and that is dangerous in small
communities where affiliation is important.</div>
</blockquote>
<div>
So readers. Do you have any direct suggestions for J or other ideas for where he can search? </div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
</div>
Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-10013201446377228662013-12-20T20:37:00.001+00:002013-12-20T20:37:13.432+00:00submission, masochism and self harmI had a new comment <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2011/02/submission-pain-and-masochism.html?showComment=1386107497408#c507848907225429559" target="_blank">here</a> to an earlier post about submission, pain and masochism on <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">A Kind Dom</a> recently:<br />
<br />
Pet said...<br />
<blockquote>
Sir,<br />
<br />
Is this comment a bit late? I'd like to mention I love the way you wrote... That may seem odd, but I have a writing fetish (not sexually... :P)
Either way, I wonder about your ideas on submissives and masochists. I've known that I'm submissive for far too long, but I've only recently realized that I might be a masochist as well.<br />
<br />
This is something that bothers me, not because I feel uneasy with my own preferences, but because I'm not sure whether or not I am one, and I don't really understand the difference that well.
I do know that when I get lonely or my emotions pile up I sometimes turn self-destructive. I'd hurt myself just to release my pent up energy. Is that a masochistic thing, or do I just have mental problems?<br />
<br />
Needless to say, I feel a bit confused. I hope you could clear this dilemma up for me?<br />
<br />
Sincerely,
Pet.</blockquote>
It was kind of Pet to write kindly about my writing and I thank her for that. However her comment raises a number of issues and I would like to reply properly to her here.<br />
<br />
I do think there is a distinct difference between submission and masochism. I wonder if submission is more in the mind and masochism more in the body? Yes, I know that is much too simplistic. However the two do seem very distinct. Masochism may imply submission but there are many submissives who do not get off on pain at all. Their desire is to be controlled rather than hurt whereas a masochist's desire is to be hurt. There have been interesting discussions about this on <i>A Kind Dom</i> recently <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/submission-and-masochism.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/masochism.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
<br />
I worry though about Pet's connection of masochism with self harm. That does seem to be something that I personally find negative. However is that the ultimate conclusion of masochism?<br />
<br />
There was also another comment relating to masochism and self harm <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/masochism.html?showComment=1387373827619#c7408111624261409533" target="_blank">here</a>. <br />
<br />
I wonder what you the reader think? Do comment.<br />
<br />
<br />Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-51927683527202375772013-11-04T13:58:00.001+00:002013-11-04T13:58:38.015+00:00The power of writing to Uncle Agony ...I recently solved a problem without even replying!<br />
<br />
Well, to be fair the writer solved the problem all on her own. It was the writing itself that had the effect. I have written about it on <i>A Kind Dom</i> <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/on-writing-things-down.html" target="_blank">here</a>. <br />
<br />
When I wrote to ask her permission to publish her emails she replied so very respectfully and politely in reply to
my request that I told her that once her husband
got the hang of this Dom thing he would soon be calling her a "good
girl". That made them both chuckle. I do hope they are having fun.Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-50468013574328815402013-10-21T10:34:00.000+01:002013-10-21T10:34:47.079+01:00at a lossI received an email a little while ago from C. She'd had a wonderful D/s relationship for many years that turned sour. I wrote about it on 'A Kind Dom' <a href="http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/when-ds-turns-into-abuse.html" target="_blank">here</a> where it received some very personal responses in the comments. The respondents clearly show that it is possible to develop a loving and fulfilling D/s relationship having come out of an abusive one.<br />
<br />
However having separated from her Dom C is now finding it very difficult to meet a new Dom to tend to her needs. I reproduce her email in full here.<br />
<blockquote>
Dear Kind Dom!<br />
Though I am not new to being a sub, I am new at having to find a dom. I
was in an 10 year relationship with a Dom who at first was the best Dom
any sub could ever hope to have. He inspired me to want to submit to
him. Then as the years went by, he became emotionally abusive. He made
it increasingly difficult to meet his demands and I was punished more
and more. He began abusing me verbally, and breaking our terms
repeatedly until I had to leave before I lost every bit of my sense of
worth. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. For years I
felt lost. I didn't date. I feared that I couldn't judge my ability to
stay away from that kind of abuse. I am at a point in my life where I
have regained what I lost in that relationship, and I am ready to try
again. However, I have had a difficult time finding the right man.
I've run across so many that confuse being domineering with being a
dominate. I would like to find a dominate who realizes that my
submission is a gift and would treat me with the kindness and dignity a
human being deserves. I want to once again feel admiration and that
kind of deep respect you can only feel for a kind dom. How does a woman
do that? I've looked for munches or clubs or any meeting event near
where I live. Most seem shady at best - more like swap meets. Others
are no longer functioning. Can you please give me some advice as to
how to start?<br />
<br />
Hopeful in Modesto,<br />
C</blockquote>
My reply was as follows.<br />
<blockquote>
I am not sure whether having been in a ten year
relationship, that at least at first was good, makes it easier or harder
for you in your search for a Dom. On the one hand you have wisdom and
knowledge of what a good D/s relationship can be (and what it should not
become). However it may leave you very high standards and expectations
that a new Dom may find it hard to meet. It may be difficult to find
someone who can meet your appropriately high standards. <br />
<br />
You have the added problem of having suffered abuse and the
trauma that comes from it. The fear of that happening again may haunt
you and prevent you developing the trust that is essential in any D/s
relationship.<br />
<br />
And then of course you have the same problem of many women in
just finding a compatible and caring man. How does one do that? You have
tried the obvious answers such as clubs, munches and events. You are
right to be careful of and avoid those that seem shady or seedy when
that is not what you are looking for. I wonder if you have searched
further afield using the internet - such as Fetlife, etc.? It might be
that a more distant friendship developed there or through blog contacts
might lead to something more in the longer term.<br />
<br />
Or perhaps readers may have better suggestions.</blockquote>
So readers - do you have other suggestions? Coming out of any long term relationship and starting again can be very hard. It must be all the more so in terms of a D/s relationship and in finding a new Dom. Are there any tips also for finding munches and events that are not "shady". <br />
<br />Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-68704904646009660312013-09-10T20:59:00.001+01:002013-09-10T20:59:51.212+01:00"My husband cannot begin to be the man I need ..."Anonymous wrote a comment <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/can-i-have-my-master-and-my-boyfriend.html?showComment=1377980363712#c2561088859944302675" target="_blank">here</a> on the previous post. Soon afterwards I received an email from her which I publish with her permission.<br />
<blockquote>
Hi. I came across your Uncle Agony blog this afternoon. It was about having a Dom and husband separately. I am not certain that you are interested in my email but if I don't talk to someone, I think I'll run mad. Who better to fill that need than a stranger I suppose. Well enough stalling, here goes nothing. I am 50 and have been married for 8 years. I have not had sex with my husband or anyone else (except myself) for 6 years. I am faced with the fact that I have to stay with my husband for my child's sake (at least for the foreseeable future) but can't bear the thought of my husband's quick, weak fumbling's. I have recently been exposed to BDSM through books and have awakened to the fact that I think I am beginning to yearn for a Dom and am becoming obsessed with the idea of being dominated. I am scared of these feelings because I have always taken care of myself and been the dominant one. No man has been strong enough for me or allowed me to submit. I have only ever had an orgasm by my own hand and am despondent that I will never have an orgasm by a man and never know how it truly feels to be with someone who understands my darker (and as I am finding out) kinkier feelings and can take me to the place my mind and body need to go. I don't want to lie to anyone but have been lying to myself for years I guess. My husband cannot begin to be the man I need but I must be the mother my son needs. That leaves me entirely out of the equation. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I really don't mean to lay this at anyone feet but just being able to say it (or in this case pen it) helps to relieve the intense ache that has taken root in me. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I hope you will write if for no other reason than I will know I'm not crazy. I understand if you think I already am crazy and don't write. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Yours, </blockquote>
<blockquote>
B</blockquote>
I have had a number of online friends who have found themselves in a similar position. I wrote back to her telling her of them, their different solutions and my own struggles in the past. I discussed the issues for her as a mother. I also reassured her that she was not crazy!<br />
<br />
However the fact that there may be many others who sadly are in similar situations where they feel unfulfilled may be of no consolation to her. She will need to find her own way. I wonder if there are others among you out there who may give her hope though describing how you have resolved this same issue in your own lives? Or you may have strong views from a different perspective.<br />
<br />
There are the dangers too as someone who is just becoming aware of certain feelings in beginning to explore them safely. How can one find someone who will not take advantage of her newness and vulnerability and instead seek to help her blossom?<br />
<br />
Do add your advice for B in the comments. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-66618373523014310562013-07-19T18:27:00.001+01:002013-07-19T18:27:11.992+01:00Can I have my Master and my boyfriend at the same time?I received an email from C. She wrote:<br />
<blockquote>
Hey<br />
<br />
I have a problem and it's driving me a little bit crazy<br />
<br />
I was
someone's submissive but our relationship had to end due to something
out of our control. It was horrible and when I got round to dating
people again, I fell for a more of a normal guy. He is slightly dominant
in the bedroom and likes that I'm submissive. But it isn't the same... I
love being with him but there's a kind of empty feeling because I miss
being a sub. I don't cheat on people. So basically I want a way that I
can have my boyfriend and my Master at the same time and no-one gets
hurt... this is giving me a headache and distracting me from my
dissertation. Please help me. I'm not sure how. I feel like Jekyll and
Hyde...<br />
<br />
Thanks for listening <br />
xx</blockquote>
<br />
I replied as follows:<br />
<blockquote>
Can you "<i>have your boyfriend and a Master at the same time</i>"?
Can you have your cake and eat it? I'm really not sure but it seems
fraught with difficulty. Are you talking about taking a new Master as
well as staying with your boyfriend? Are you sure you will find a new
Master easily? If you do, is your hope that they will each accept one
another and be happy with you seeing each of them to meet your different
needs? It sounds an ideal situation that I am sure many would like but I
doubt that you will find that both your boyfriend and your Master will
be happy with the situation.<br />
<br />
Or are you thinking of keeping each secret from the other? You
say you don't cheat on people so you would find it difficult and it
would not be something I would recommend.<br />
<br />
You say your
boyfriend is slightly dominant in the bedroom. Can you discuss your
needs with him and introduce him to D/s in the hope that he may be
tempted to take it slightly further and become your Master? In the end I
think you will need to decide whether your boyfriend can fully meet
your needs and if he cannot then whether you accept that or decide to
finish with him and look for someone who can.<br />
<br />
Though I know there are readers of this blog who have managed to develop separate relationships with a Master and a husband or boyfriend. Perhaps one of them may comment and let us know how they managed to arrange such a situation.<br />
<br />
These are just my thoughts and you will need to find a way through this that works for you.<br />
<br />
Thanks and good luck
</blockquote>
So - do any readers have a separate partner and Dom? How did you arrive at such an arrangement? How do you keep it working? Can others see how it might be made to work?Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022929989646932055.post-69250832994891554012013-03-19T20:25:00.001+00:002013-03-19T20:25:52.598+00:00taking the leadJ had been reading an earlier post on Uncle Agony, <a href="http://uncle-agony.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/brand-spanking-new-to-ds-world.html" target="_blank">"brand spanking new to the D/s world"</a>. Reading it stimulated him to write an email of his own to Uncle Agony.<br />
<blockquote>
<div>
About two months ago my wife suggested she wanted me to "take the
lead" in our sex life. For the entirety of our marriage she's clearly
been the stronger personality and the driving force in many areas of our
family and our household and for the last several years I've complained
about the frequency, or lack thereof that we are intimate together.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
By nature she is not a submissive person and when we
started this she told me that she would likely push back. While she
has not explicitly admitted to me that she is testing me I do feel like
she tests me to see if I'm willing, and able to actual take the control
from her when she is unwilling to release it. There have been times
I've attempted to seduce her into the bedroom but these have ended
badly, and now I wonder if she wants to be taken and ravished, not
seduced.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I briefly suggested she try to find ways to tap into
her submissive side but she's reluctant to do so and instead suggested I
find ways to have the confidence to take control and establish myself
in the dominant role. What I inferred from this is that since
submission is not a natural trait then the specific aspect that is
arousing to her is the act of being made to submit, despite any
resistance she may exhibit (similar to the comments by wild cat and how
she wants to be tamed, regardless of the growl).</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My wife does not like the theatrics of bondage or
restraint. Instead what she's looking for is that carnal desire that is
so strong it cannot be stopped (the caveman, or Bedroom Bull depending
on what other blogs you read). She wants me to take control of the
When, and not focus on the What that may occur. Once I've established
my role, and put her in her place, then we can potentially move onto
other components of a D/s relationship. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Due to external life circumstances we're in a bit of
a holding pattern until we can progress this further, but I'm hopeful
that the next opportunity will end different and result in a step
forward rather than two steps back.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Any advice you or your readers can offer would be helpful and welcome.</div>
</blockquote>
I responded with the following thoughts.<br />
<blockquote>
Putting together some of the parts of your email where you describe
clearly what your wife has intimated does lead one to the conclusion
that she may indeed want you to play the "caveman" role. She suggested
you "take the lead" in your sex life. She seems not to like to be gently
seduced. She has suggested that you "find ways to have the confidence
to take control and establish myself in the dominant role." <br />
<br />
You have also made some inferences but not made clear how strong is
the evidence for them. For instance you say she is "looking for ... that
carnal desire that is so strong it cannot be stopped" and that she
"wants me to take control of the When, and not focus on the What that
may occur." How sure are you of this. How explicit has she been?<br />
<br />
The difficulty here seems to be communication. I think if you truly
know that you have permission to completely take control and initiate
sex at your direction, expecting her to comply and not taking "no" for
an answer then it is up to you to make a move. However - and it is a big
"however" - how do you know that you really have permission? You need
to be very clear about the level of consent from your wife to any
forceful acts from yourself otherwise you are heading for deep trouble.
The problem is that your wife may find that even having that discussion
and giving her consent puts your wife in the situation of feeling she is
still in control when she really wants you to take control.<br />
<br />
I think you have two courses. The first is to try to have an open
and honest conversation with your wife about this to ensure there are no
misunderstandings. You could even agree that "no" does not mean "no"
but have a safe word which you would always respect.<br />
<br />
The only alternative that I can suggest is to start to try to take
control over the initiation of sex in small steps, being increasingly
more assertive and see how things develop. It might be that this gradual
approach pays dividends in the long run.<br />
<br />
Like you though I would love to hear others' views of this - both women and men.</blockquote>
So what do you think readers? Perhaps you may have some different advice.Pygarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11913556740445196578noreply@blogger.com3