Thursday, January 9, 2014

Learning about Dominance

I have just had an interesting exchange of emails with J. He is interested in learning more about dominance but has not found the resources he seeks. I publish our emails below.
Hello there!

I am interested in learning more about the brass tacks of Dominance in so far as scene crafting and basic how-to's. Most of what I have seen out there from an educational standpoint seems to be slave training or stuff geared toward submissives. My sub and I have attended a few workshops here and there when time allows, but I don't know any other Dom/mes that I can skillshare with or bounce ideas off of. Another issue is that I identify as a feminist and I want to steer clear of people who aren't respectful to gender minorities and/or don't have a proper understanding of power and privileges that play out in our non-BDSM lives. Can you offer any advice or connect me with anyone who can give some insight to newly out Dom/mes? Is there anything you've read that has been particularly enlightening? I'm considering getting the Topping and Bottoming books and I have read The Loving Dominant. Something that's less theory and more "meat" would be much appreciated.

I replied,
I don't beleive that there are right or wrong ways to be a Dominant - other than in the ethical sense and that is what led me to start writing the "A Kind Dom" blog. I wanted to esplore the ethical contradivtions in kindness and being dominant. I also wanted to look at the danger of emotionally or psychologically vulnerable submissives becoming being manipulated or abused. I too would identify as a feminist and have discussed it on the blog here and here. There was an interesting comment by Remittance Girl which also discussed feminism here.

I have come across many submissive bloggers who would describe themselves as feminists. A quick Google comes up with lots. Though there are many others for whom feminism is an anathema. Everyone is different and I believe it is for each of us to come up with our own model of what works for us in a respectful and trusting relationship.

Reading though can help you find lots of other ideas and models. As well as The Loving Dominant I have listed a number of books on Uncle Agony that have been recommended by readers and a few websites.

You may also find that joining a kinky social networking site like Fetlife will help you find like minded networks of people with whom you can discuss your thoughts and learn from them. Even just reading personal bdsm blogs can give a special insight into how real people live their lives within a bdsm framework.

I suggested that I publish J's email on Uncle Agony in the hope that readers may respond. He replied positively and added,
Part of my desire to learn more as a Dom/me (spelled thusly because I am gender fluid) stems from my desired to dominate ethically and with the psychological wellbeing of my submssive (who is also my wife) intact. I have been a member of FetLife for approximately two years, and while it's a great way to network, resources for feminist Dominants are lacking on there as well. I was drawn to your blog after I made contact with a Dom who initially said things I appreciate, but digging into other writings of his revealed him to be quite problematic and misogynistic.
I suppose I shall continue my search. I've considered just trying to learn as much as I can from a Dom/me who might be problematic, while actively filtering out that which I know doesn't jive with my consciousness. But damn, that feels like a daunting task! It also leaves one vulnerable to being associated with someone who doesn't have a great track record, and that is dangerous in small communities where affiliation is important.
So readers. Do you have any direct suggestions for J or other ideas for where he can search?


  1. My knowledge is limited, and narrow. But if what he is looking for is information on how to be a Dominant "ethically and with the psychological wellbeing of [his] submissive ... intact", I would suggest looking into DD/lg relationships. There isn't a lot of literature so much, but blogs aplenty.

    I am not suggesting he take this tack, but in such a dynamic there is a lot of care taken with the submissives needs in mind. The idea can be applied to other practices. One of the threads that binds almost all DD/lg relationships is that the submissive is allowed to experience her vulnerability in a safe place. The Dominant provides that. This requires a great deal of loving care, in my opinion. Again, I'm talking a very basic idea that can be applied to other things.

    As for scene crafting, I think that, like all sexual oriented play, is very personal and is something one learns as they go and teach themselves. If he is looking for ideas rather than formulas for scenes, he should read some fiction and speak to his wife and find out what excites her and keep in mind that a flexible plan is probably best. Often I find that playtime with Daddy doesn't go the way it's laid out in my head, or his. (We talk about it before we play. Safety!) Something starts and you get caught up in it and suddenly you're off in a direction you didn't intend to go, or meant to go somewhere else in the sequence of events.

    And keeping in mind that everything one learns from others should have a filter applied. There are individual quirks and whatnot for everyone that don't always suit another persons tastes, or morals, or ethics.

  2. For clarification DD/lg is "daddy dom/ little girl. Thanks for the suggestion Missus Whore.

    I do agree that flexible plans are best.

    Thanks for your interesting and helpful contribution.

    P xx

  3. On A Kind Dom Sofia suggested that Dumb Domme was a feminist blog worth checking out. I think it looks very interesting.

  4. You might want look at this site - though it has been inactive for the past year. It does give the submissive perspective from a strong feminist. The two feelings are NOT mutually exclusive by any means.

    1. Thank you Anonymous. I have corresponded with Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist on a number of occasions. Readers will find links to her blog and her books on the sidebar. I would recommend a visit.

      - P xx

    2. Blogger ate my first comment, but I'll try again and resist the urge to kick the computer.

      I think that ethical Dominance is something which comes from one's personal sense of integrity--if you have a strong sense of integrity that you apply to the rest of your life, applying that same sense to Dominance creates an ethical Dominant.

      As a slave, I find that I am somewhat offended by the suggestion that one must be in an lg/DD relationship to Dominate ethically with the well-being of their sub in mind.
      I don't think ethical Dominance is restricted to those forms of ttwd. But I do digress from the point entirely, don't I?

      Imho, the "Brass tacks" of Dominance, while surely facilitated by research, are learned only from experience, and communicating with the submissive you are Dominating--I think that sometimes it's easy to forget that the greatest teacher is often the person we are with, even if we are learning together.

      This is an interesting and often overlooked topic--Doms do not spring forth fully formed as it may be. We all have to learn, and admitting that we don't know it all is the first step in truly becoming knowledgeable about anything.

      Sorry for rambling on! This subject caught my eye over on your other blog, and I ended up here with my 20 cents.

  5. I am sure we all know from personal experience lil how annoying it is when Blogger eats up perfectly crafted prose forcing us to write something hurried and rushed instead. In your case though your second attempt seems so good it must have been at least as good as the original. Thanks for taking the time to write twice.

    I agree that ethical dominance is not confined to just one type of D/s relationship. I don't think Missus Whore
    was trying to claim that. I believe you are right too to say that ethical dominance comes from a personal sense of integrity. I hope some Doms don't feel they can leave that at the door when they enter a D/s relationship.

    Thank you for adding your 20 cents. I am sure it was worth much more.

    P xx


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