Sunday, June 1, 2014

on being controlling or being controlled

On a recent post on A Kind Dom about submission, pain and masochism Lauren asked a number of questions in the comments section. One of the questions here related to being controlling yet yearning to be controlled:
a certain personal life event has made me come to realise that I, in general life, am very controlling, yet I yearn to be controlled by a man...

by being controlling in every other aspect of my life... And also wanting to be submissive at the same time... I feel it is wrong? I associate being submissive also with being feminine... And by being controlling I feel like I am going against my sex and this also feels wrong...

pygar, can you please help me and give me some of your insight.
I am sure I do not have any special insight - but perhaps my readers do. Please feel free to comment.

Is there any contradiction between having a controlling personality and a desire to be controlled?

Is there an association between being submissive and being feminine?

What do readers think?


  1. For me personally, i found that the reason i was controlling was that i had been taught to trust no-one and rely on no-one but myself. It was not because i enjoyed being in control, it was because i thought otherwise things would fall apart.

    Naturally that was a very tiring and difficult way to live, and made me resentful of others because i felt it was partly their fault that i had to shoulder more responsibility than i felt comfortable with.

    Please don't take this as me saying you can't enjoy being in control of some situtations and not in control in others. But my personal experience was that my craving submission was also about a need to be able to completely trust someone, to the point of giving up all control at times.

    If you ask me, submission is a human quality, not a feminine quality. It can be such a wonderful experience i'd hate to only reserve it for one half of the population.

  2. Thank you very much Anonymous for your insightful contribution.

    I think there will be many underlying reasons why people become controlling - and as with you it may not necessarily be part of their nature but something that they have found necessary for a variety of reasons.

    To be able to escape from this can then perhaps be a great relief. There are many in positions of power in their daily life who love to give it up and give their power to someone else if only for brief periods. Some of these will even use professional dominatrices to gain that element of freedom that comes from giving control completely to someone else.

    I believe like you that submission is not a feminine quality. There are many male submissives who would not consider themselves in the least feminine.

    Good luck

    P xx

  3. Oh my goodness, thank you so much anonymous, I am Lauren: the one who commented on a post to pygar...
    You have just solved my life. That is it; I just dont believe anyone else could do it to the quality I can do something... And I dont trust anyone fully because I think once they know the true Lauren they won't
    like me. Dont get me wrong IM not fake by any means or put on a front, I just wish I could stop covering things up.

    How did you go about trusting someone anonymous or pygar or any other commenters?
    Letting them know my inner self?
    Brief background history: depression, anxiety, anorexia, social anxiety.
    Not anorexic anymore technically, but I still dont eat much due to the fact IM a naturally curvy body... And I hate it. I want to be small and tiny. Not boney, just small.

    sorry for the blabber; thankyou so much once again for your help and insight :)

  4. Good luck Lauren - and thank you again Anonymous.

    - P xx

  5. Anonymous here again, i really should have thought of a snazzy nickname! ;)

    i'm glad you found my comment helpful, Lauren! Obviously i can only talk about my own experiences, but i hope it'll at least be food for thought.

    After recognizing this behavior in myself, i did my best to understand that sometimes the quality really doesn't matter. A month from now, no-one will remember or care whether the dishes were done right.

    Because letting go in those situations is sort of a goal of mine, i try to recognize moments when i want to take over to "do it right" or to give advice on how to "do it right". i then ask myself whether it's more important to be right or to be happy.

    Sometimes you really do need to get it done right, and that's okay. But you'd be surprised how often it's better to be happy! i've found that once you discover not doing things your way all the time doesn't mean the world will end, it's easier to move on to bigger things.

    It has been very freeing to not hold myself responsible for everything all the time. It has also served as a helpful reminder that submission is very much an active choice you make.

    i'll definitely be reading the comment section to see what others contribute, as i am still very much a work in progress in the trusting department. :)

    1. Thankyou dearly.
      I seriously cannot speak the emotions I feel to describe what I'm feeling from this insight. The internet can actually have intellectually stimulating ideas and concepts of thought thrown around; despite the bad wrap it gets for being dangerous and full of scoundrels.
      yes I too will be keeping an eye on this post to see what others say!
      general common place civilians seem not to understand me as
      well as an anonymous commenter!
      Once again, big T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U to you and Pygar for allowing such discussions on his wonderfully constructed blog :)

  6. My need to control is just that - no trust that someone can do it the way I feel it should be done. Type A at its best!

    However, I do feel that a woman can be a feminist in the boardroom and completely submissive for her man. (Vice versa with men). To be a submissive, one must be strong. Usually the strong ones are the leaders.

    I do not thrive in a professional realm where it is expected I'm to be meek and unequal. I do thrive in an intimate relationship this way. Being controlled by the one I submit to allows me to grow in ways that I utilize in my professional life. I only wish I discovered this sooner about myself.

  7. Lauren, as far trust. It takes time. A lot of time. I have been through a lot, so trust was not easy to earn from me. It's all about the little things. Taking time. Stepping back, looking at what just occurred to see what happened. It took awhile for my Dom to earn my trust. He knew immediately if He wanted too sleep with me, it was going to take a lot of patience, time, and effort on His part. This is before we actually went down the D/s path. Since then, He is consistently earning it, and me earning His. Remember, it is a two way streak. I think I have a post about some of my thoughts on trust. It's titled just that too. (I may have a few). I know with Master, after I would journal, I would realize He earned more. At one point, I had to jump with faith that I trusted enough He would catch.

    So, it's about time, patience, effort, and communication. Oh, don't be afraid to just give yourself up a little at a time. You do need to move forward in order to progress.

    1. Thankyou indeed His Slut! More great advice, I didnt think many people would comment on this! :)
      definitely trusting someone at a slow pace is something I will do and communication one hundred percent as you said is extremely important; thankyou :)

      I have read psychological reasons behind submissives in Google search and it has indeed said exactly what you have said: dominant woman in daily life, submissive with partner (or just in bedroom)
      I think a lot of subs are like us in the way that they are powerful in control knowing what they want type of women, yet need to be controlled sort of like a balancingout method... Or taking away that heavy weight we lift all day and carrying it for us (if the heavy weight is seen as control)
      I hope that analogy worked hahah

      thanking you kindly
      -Lauren :)

  8. I am also a submissive who has a lot of control in her external life. I'm a small business owner, and an internationally competitive powerlifter, so I literally have a lot of weight on my shoulders. It is a great relief to have someone that I trust enough to let go completely. It is definitely a slow process to get there, but well worth the time and effort for the right one. I will say, I don't think gender has much to do with D/s orientation as I know many who don't fit the Male Dom/Female Sub model. I hope you find what you're looking for Lauren. Rest assured, you can be plenty in control of your life while still being submissive to the right person.

    - Lyoness

    1. Aww Lyoness, thank you for your support! I always am reassured when lovely people like yourself are so awfully kind and supportive!
      hopefully I do find someone, ive introduces a few peopketo the lifestyle; but no one with experience yet... Which in turn makes me feel dominant by telling them what to do and I dislike this very much :(
      as I am nineteen, I feel as if there is hope... But yeah, everyone loses hope at some points....

      thankyou again. Lyonness. Your kindness has been noted :)
      -Lauren :)

  9. What a great discussion. Lauren has clearly found it very supportive. I am sure there are other 'lurkers' who will also have found it helpful. Thank you to you all.

    Now get over to A Kind Dom and comment on being open about our needs as everyone is ignoring that while they have been following this discussion instead!!!!


    P xx

    1. Yes Sir, all done and completed :)

  10. Good girl Lauren - and also His slut who got there first!


    P xx


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