Thursday, March 6, 2014

Is a BDSM relationship the answer?

I have just heard from Sh. She has never been sexually satisfied in previous relationships. Might BDSM be the answer for her? Here is her email.
I have never been in a relationship that was considered as D/S. Granted I was in a domination relationship where my ex used physical/mental abuse against me but not one of dominance.
That being said, I have started reading more and more about the relationship and the importance linked to the relationship between a dom and is sub. I am 44 years old, extremely independent and have never had a relationship where the sex was truly gratifying to the point I was sated afterwards. I know that doesn't say much since I have had few partners and have now gone more than 10 years without sex because why have sex casually when it does not achieve the results I seek. I have tended to be the one in control in the realm of sex when it comes to my past lovers because I knew what I needed but never achieved satisfying those needs because my lovers never took control as I had wanted. This was even after telling them straight out that I wanted them to control what happened. Don't get me wrong, I know how to satisfy my partner. Thinking it was me instead of the lack of connection of my partner I started reading information about sexual satisfaction which led me to BDSM information.  I tend to research the heck out of anything before I ask more questions and now comes my questions. 

1. In the realm of a dom/sub relationship is truly about pleasure and mutual satisfaction? 

2. I know there are how to books on being a submissive and such (as you have listed on your page) but how do you begin to get into this type of relationship? 

3. Safety is always been an issue with me since my first relationship was so abusive. Do Doms actually take safety is a priority or is it just the romanticism portrayed in books that show that it is a priority?  I am not meaning code words or signals but actual safety. 

4. I am allergic to latex which is another reason I don't do casual sex. Would this type of thing be an issue?

I know these may sound like trivial things but I have learned that you cannot always gain the truth by books. Romanticism of facts tends to override facts when trying to attempt to change the viewpoints of things. 
I responded like this.
The things you ask about are not trivial at all. I can understand why all your questions are very important to you.

You have explained about your abusive previous relationship, your natural dominance in sexual encounters and your lack of physical satisfaction in sexual relationships. After more than ten years abstinence, when you are clearly a very sexual woman, I can imagine you are keen to find a way forward. BDSM can seem very thrilling from the outside. And yes, it can be. Very. It can also be as mundane as any relationship. The key is maintaining a level of intensity. BDSM can contribute to that intensity but as in any other relationship both partners have to be committed to making it work. Some find it more difficult to find a dominant partner than a vanilla partner. You want all the things you want from a vanilla partner and more. The levels of trust needed are even more important because of the safety issues - physical and mental.

I am wondering what has made you decide that you would like to be the submissive in a relationship? On the positive side giving up control can be a very intense and satisfying experience for some. There are also many who have controlling instincts in their character and who are dominant in their day to day life who get great satisfaction from being able to give up that control to someone else for a period. It can help de-stress and rebalance them. On the negative side I worry just a little in case there are remnants of your abusive relationship where you miss some of that abuse in some strange way. In my view that would not be a good reason to embrace submission though there are many subs who have had an abused history.

So on to your questions! These are just my own views. I hope readers of Uncle Agony will contribute their own comments.

1. Is a sub/dom relationship truly about pleasure and mutual satisfaction? It can be. It perhaps should be. For many it truly is. However as with any relationship this requires the commitment of both partners. In many D/s relationships it purports to be about the pleasure of the Dom. The sub gains her own pleasure from pleasing the Dom. it is why she submits. However I like to give my sub pleasure. It makes me happy also to know that she is happy. But that is just the stuff of normal relationships. Perhaps D/s ones are no different.

2. How do you get into this kind of relationship? Well that is always hard. Getting a compatible new partner of any kind can be difficult let alone a dominant one. I wrote about it some time on Uncle Agony here and again here. There are friendly munches where like minded people meet up purely socially and there are play events where people are not pressurised to take part. There are online networking sites like fetlife.com. You might find others in your area through something like that. As with all internet contacts - take care. You may even find a friendly blogger lives near you!

3. Yes safety is a major issue. Of course all Doms should take it very seriously. However Doms are human. Some of them are careless, manipulative, uncaring or just plain ignorant like in any other cross section of the community. It is important at the start that you take responsibility for your own safety and only engage in potentially dangerous activity when you have built a real and firm trust - and even then question and discuss safety.

4. Is an allergy to latex an issue? Well if you want sex with men who are not virgins then yes it is an issue if you cannot use condoms. Sex does not have to be part of D/s or BDSM play. Some are into very specific aspects such as bondage, corporal punishment, objectification or fetish activity. However sex forms the core for many. You say that you have never been sated from sex. That is a key part of your desires. Clearly when you are in a long term relationship with someone you trust and whose sexual history you know then it will no longer be an issue - especially if you both have tests at a sexual health clinic. Until then I am not sure what to advise. Penetration is not essential for enjoyable sex. However many men think it is so you may turn many off through refusing it as you cannot use a condom.

Good luck. I am sure though that some of my readers will give better advice than I have done.
So dear reader. There is a challenge for you. Is a BDSM relationship the answer for Sh? Or do you have thoughts about her specific questions?

5 comments:

  1. I just wanted to mention that there are non-latex condoms, polyurethane, for example. Also lambskin.

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  2. Thank you very much for the advice Ticklish. I've done a quick online search and there are lots. See here for instance.

    Thanks again Ticklish

    P xx

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  3. I have been in a similar situation to Sh, and I hope that she finds my thoughts helpful. Before I found my Sir, I’d never been sexually sated either, and was very frustrated in relationships some of which were abusive. I had tried both asking partners to take control, and taking control myself. That never worked out as well as I hoped it might, which led to frustration and resentment, and a withdrawal from sexual activity since it wasn’t satisfying. I don't know that a BDSM relationship is the only answer, but it's certainly an option if you find it appealing. Remember, you can be into BDSM as little or as much as you want. Don't feel like you have to dive in head first, you can things out and see what feels right to you.
    Here are my answers to the questions:
    1 – I believe that it should be about mutual pleasure. The trick is finding that partner where ‘your pleasure is my pleasure’ is true for each of you. I do get pleasure from pleasing Sir, but he also gets pleasure in pleasing me. It’s just how that pleasure is acted out that differs. I may be a cheeky and demanding sub, but I wouldn’t submit to someone who didn’t think this way. Being a sub doesn’t mean your needs and wants go unmet.
    2 – I was lucky and found my Sir on a regular dating site (OK Cupid.) It is not a specifically kink-friendly dating site, but it’s not kink-adverse either like a lot of mainstream sites. Pygar gave some great ideas for this question too. It takes patience to find someone compatible, but it’s worth it. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
    3 – Safety is a huge issue. A Dom worth submitting to won’t push you before you’re comfortable. As with any other group of people, there are good and bad apples in the bunch. Trust your instincts when you feel like you aren’t ready for something. Standard safety tips apply; don’t go anywhere alone with a new person before you meet them in a public place, etc. You’ll be able to talk to the right person about your abuse history so that they can help you feel comfortable.
    4 – Latex allergies are not uncommon. There are plenty of non-latex alternatives. Anyone that makes you feel like you are a burden because of this is not worth submitting to. This is another part of being safe.

    - Lyoness

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  4. Thank you Lyoness for your very detailed, thoughtful and helpful advice.

    - P

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  5. Petal's MJ has also written a very thoughtful and helful response on A Kind Dom here.

    - P

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