Monday, September 19, 2011

"... is this the Domly way?"

J wrote to me with this query:
"I am new, rapidly "collared" by someone whom I thought cared and would mentor and guide me. Over time I just felt him as indifferent toward me and distrust grew. When I asked for guidance and to just plain "talk to me" I was always accused of topping. To prove my submission. I was instructed to approach a stranger, suck him off and take a picture of my cum filled mouth.....his words.....GAG When I said I could not..I was released and chastised and a wanna be and not a sub. That is something I would never do....and my reasons are valid. I understand the reason behind the task...but feel there are other ways to evaluate surrender. my question... Is this the Domly way?? Is it unDomly to treat with respect and not pass your sub around?? Is the sensual Dom any different?"
My reply was:
"Sadly many have found it so though it should not be. There is no "Domly way" but there are plenty who think they are Doms and pretend to be when in reality they are just misogynists who get off on power. If you frequent any of the BDSM contact sites you will find many of them - in fact it will be hard to avoid them! In reality though a good Dom cares for his sub and knows and understands her limits. He may push gently at the edges trying to extend those limits - or if he breaks them will know what he is soing and why and what the reaction of his sub will be - but doing it for his sub rather than for himself.

You will often see phrases from Doms such as "it isn't about what you want it is about what I want." Of course in the dynamic that is true. However I believe that in a good D/s relationship each are caring about the needs and desires of the other. Finding the right person will be hard. It is hard enough is it not in a vanilla relationship. Finding the right Dom can be even harder. But don't give up. I am sure he may be out there."
What do readers think? Is this the Domly way?


  1. I think the answer is in the question "rapidly collared." I don't know if its the Domly way but I know it's not my Master's way. I also think it's ridiculous to punish a slave or make her prove her submission for asking questions but that's just me.

    When I first met my Master I asked about his interest in sharing me with other men. That was something I had a hard time wrapping my brain around and he assured me that didn't interest him. Asking those questions before accepting a collar goes a long way in avoiding pain and confusion later on.

    That said, if my Master ordered that I give a blow job to a stranger now, I'd do it. I gave up the right to say no when I agreed to be a slave 11 years ago. Would it hurt, without question but sometimes obedience is its own reward.

  2. that sounds far more like abuse than "submission"...

    IMHO, a good D/s dynamic means lots and lots of talking...learning each other, finding the groove that makes it work for each party.

    it is not about ordering and shutting the sub down when the relationship is unfolding.

    and frankly, in this day and age of AIDS, just going up and sucking off a stranger is great fantasy fodder, but IRL? not so much.

    I think she was pretty lucky he "released" her...and it was a life lesson that thankfully did not cause her harm...


  3. "but there are plenty who think they are Doms and pretend to be when in reality they are just misogynists who get off on power"

    Well said, Pygar.

    You initially stated that you were 'rapidly collared'...reflecting back, that might have been a warning sign.

    You should never be conrolled FASTER than you want. It's YOUR submission. Not HIS. YOU should be choosing how fast that happens.

    And unfortunately, I think letting him so rapidly get you to surrender, opened the door for him to 'order' you to do other things you may or may not have been ready for.

    The most, I mean MOST important thing in any D/s relationship is trust.

    And there is no trust patch you can slap on your arm, or trust syrum you can put in your coffee; trust has to be EARNED.
    And he's CLEARLY not done it.

    You ABSOLUTELY have to agree to be humiliated for it to be a funtional part of a D/s relationship; otherswise, how is he any different than a brooding high school bully?

    He's not; and at least in my high school, the brooding bully didn't have (or deserve) a girlfriend, or generally any friends at all.

    You should never be punished for refusing to do something.
    You, even as a sub, have the right to say "NO."

    Sane, safe, and consentual.

    There's nothing consentual about you saying 'No, I don't want to blow a stranger' and him punishing you.
    (Unless thats part of a game for you, which CLEARLY it isn't)

    If at all feesable, I'd start creating some distance between you and him.
    It's probably for the best.

    Good Luck!

  4. Thanks for the great comments so far. I'll respond properly later. However I first just wanted to add the following.

    By chance I had a comment on my "Kind Dom" blog on Saturday that related directly to this. It was from Storey and you can see it here. She wrote in part, "I had a Dom release me because I culd not fulfill a humiliating task. In my opinion, the slight ins on the Dominants side and it does not make one less a submissive."

    I think her words support some of what I was trying to say above.

  5. Of course all I see in that comment is my typos (iPad). I was going to add that I also have experienced "Dominants" that would ask me to do things that would be outside my morals or even limits simply to "prove my submission". It's almost like emotional blackmail. The pressure to please and the desire to not disappoint are very strong and unfortunately often twisted. It's Important to have a Dominant that is going to push you in safe and healthy ways. If a Dominant is going to release or discard you because you are uncomfortable doing a task then count your blessings, learn and move on.

  6. I think your answer was spot on. A good Dom looks after his sub and loves her. A proof of a good D/s relation is the same proof of a good vanilla relation: Both partners are better off with each other then with out each other. A sub wants to follow a good Dom, he does not have to enforce it, neither does he have to be abusive to get his way. This is only possible if she trusts him. A Dom has to earn her trust.

  7. Oh, look!
    Another opportunity for me to offer the suggestion that includes the horse he rode in on!
    (Yes, I know. Off to the Bad Sub corner again...)

    Other than that particular take on it, I second everything everyone else has said.

  8. He's a creep in my opinion. This whole lifestyle needs to be about mutual enjoyment. That's ugly. You may have to search a lot to find the right man, but it will be worth it. I agree that there is a fine line between simply punishing a sub and pushing her beyond her limits in healthy ways. that's a call that requires good judgment. That fool had none.

  9. Very dangerous task he wanted you to do. Disease and possible physical attacks if you do that to some unknown man who thinks you can be simply used how he wanted. After you sucked him off, he may have wanted to do anything else he desired and how could you say no?
    He is no Dom, serious wannabe!

  10. All I can say is I agree with everyone else. What he asked her to do was so completely wrong and dangerous and isn't it the Dom's job to protect the sub and not put her in harms way?

  11. Good for her for standing up for herself.

    Her description made me think he is dangerous(worst case scenario) or he wanted to make her walk away (best case scenario). Either way, she is better off without him.

  12. I second everything that's been said so far. I think the line of "safe, sane, and consensual" was crossed here in a number of ways. There is also the distinction between "hurt" and "harm," and it definitely sounds like this was putting you in *harm's* way. In my opinion, a good Dom/me values His/Her property and expects that it be taken care of. J, just in case this guy's comments about you being a "wannabe sub" should linger and cause you distress of any sort--purge them from your memory. HE is the wannabe, and it is *his* fault (to say the least) that things did not work out. I am so sorry that you met up with such a twit in your exploration...but please, don't let it keep you from exploring TTWD again when you're ready. There *are* some amazing Dom/mes out there, and now that you know what they DON"T look like, you're better prepared than you were. You did the right thing.

    - kytten

  13. I very much agree with kytten and others who have said that the supposed Dom was the pretender in this relationship. I've long been of the belief that while the outward appearance of a D/s relationship places the Dom on top, in many ways, the relationship is centered more around the needs of the sub than those of the Dom. Certainly the Top chooses the tasks, rules, activities, whatever... But a true Top chooses those around what their bottom desires and requires (and yes, I know this is somewhat of a paradox). J's partner appears to have been self-focused and selfish, rather than giving and focused on J. I say he's a loser...

  14. in the early days i asked Sir what would happen if He told me to do something that i really felt unable to do. i cant quote directly but He said something along the lines of "I would consider that a failure on my part to not have understood your needs and abilities before demanding. sometimes I might push you but I will only firmly instruct when I feel sure you will do it"
    a good dom is thoughtful and caring even when he is being wicked

  15. I have to say I do get off on control... its why I do this, a lot of doms and masters out there are misogynistic, arrogant and confrontational... But it's hard to claim your the one in control and not have those traits to at least some degree.

    The difference is time. Yeah, we're flawed creatures, but the difference between a dom and a rape fetishist seems to be patience. Even if only in the beginning, they learn and bring you along for the ride.

    Communication is key, the dom needs to learn from the sub if they meet his needs, which is mutually compatible in a twisted sort of way. Any "dom" that rides in with a loud voice and "thou shalt please me and all i give you to" attitude (outside of a bad porno... be not afraid) is normally something you should avoid.

    Just my thoughts.

  16. Sorry, correction of my previous post, I ment sadistic, not misogynistic.

  17. Thank you all for these wonderful comments. There are some interesting differences of view but overall there seems to be an agreement that J acted correctly and is perhaps better off with out this "Dom".

    I am sure J will have found the comments interesting and supportive.

    I particularly like this quote from "anonymous", "a good dom is thoughtful and caring even when he is being wicked," as well as the earlier parts of that post.

    Again - thank you all.

    P xxxx

  18. I am "J".... I would like to thank Pygar for posting my letter and the blog members (and anonymous) for their wonderful comments. They were most helpful, gave me great hope and strengthened my resolve. I deeply believe the D/s dynamic can and should be as you have all described... fulfilling for both partners and do no "harm"....

    All the posts were wonderful and I too particularly enjoyed this quote from "anonymous", "a good dom is thoughtful and caring even when he is being wicked," as well as the earlier parts of that post. (to quote Pygar on a

  19. I agree that the rapid collar was probably an error of judgement on the Subs part. A measured amount of trust is essential before submission is given and accepted. Limits should be firmly in place and the Dom should always show as much respect as his sub gives to him.

    I knew my Dom for 3 years before I had proved my worth to be collared. He knew exactly what he would ask of me and has bent me to his will with a firm but gentle control. My Dom places me above all others and calls me his 'most treasured posession'.

    My collaring took place just over two years ago, was done in private and felt, to me, like a wedding. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

    My Dom has discussed with me the idea of sharing me, but it will be with someone we both mutually agree upon. Forcing a sub who is unwilling, is abuse and shows the Dom is looking for short term gratification.

    D/s takes time, trust and respect.

    There is nothing I would not do for my Dom, for he has earned the right to be above me and I have earned the right to serve him.


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