Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Road Block

I've just receive this email from Trance. She and her boyfriend are new to D/s but keen to move forward. However they seem to have come up against a road block. Any suggestions?
"Hi Pygar,

I recently began a new relationship. We’re both pretty kinky, and my boyfriend has expressed an interest in being dominant. I’ve known for years that I’ve been submissive, but I just recently started considering a D/s relationship. We’re moving very slowly, but making some progress. Recently we sort of hit a road block. I’m naturally pretty nervous about this whole thing, but my boyfriend says that I’m not submissive because I fight him on everything. I’ll admit that I do let my nerves and self-consciousness get the best of me sometimes, but I just assumed that every submissive went into it a little apprehensive and it was the Dom’s job to sort of train the submissive. Am I wrong? And any advice for overcoming my nervousness?


I replied
"Dear Trance

I think there are so many complexities here. You have a new relationship, D/s is newish to each of you and conflicts are developing. Perhaps 'conflicts' is too strong a word. However there seems danger of real conflict if you cannot develop shared understandings. It would seem a great pity if rushing too quickly into discovering and experimenting with D/s destroyed your underlying relationship. If you can make your underlying relationship strong - with mutual trust and respect - then that will help the future development of a D/s relationship. You could end up with something very special.

For now - neither of you is wrong or right. There is no wrong or right. It is what can work for you.

He says you are not submissive because you fight him over everything. Perhaps he is right. You say it is the Dom's job to help you overcome your nervousness. Perhaps you are right.

At the moment I am with you. It is new to you - but you are apprehensive, nervous, looking for support and help in exploring your feelings and discovering a new direction. He is frustrated that you say you are submissive but cannot obey him. So he is confused and frustrated.

You are right to take it slowly. But it seems you could do with some support and mentorship from others. However in the end it is not how others have succeeded - it is how you are going to find the right path to success. I think your boyfriend needs to have some patience and understanding. He cannot command you into submission but with a little more delicacy then perhaps he might seduce you into submission.

Don't get angry and cross with each other. Just each try your best to understand the other and help each other to make it work. Talk about it - and listen to each other. If he can help you to discover and awaken your submission he will reap far more benefits than berating you for not being submissive.

You will overcome your nervousness when you truly and deeply trust your boyfriend and know that he will always care for you. In the meantime - don't fight him. Just explain when things are difficult. Expect him to listen and lead you again.

It isn't easy. Just work at it together.

Good luck

Pygar "
What do others think? How can they get past the road block?


  1. Great advice Pygar. Blame and hard feelings will not help the situation at all. I wonder if the couple are guilty of making assumptions about their respective expectations.

    It is easy to have preconceived ideas about how your partner will express his/her submission or dominance. It is also easy to assume that a couple shares common ideas about what a D/s relationship looks like too. I think most of us tend to make similar assumptions, from time to time, about other aspects of our relationships, but perhaps we are less conscious of doing so.

    It's like asking two people to think of the color blue, without letting them speak to each other and then showing them a deck of paint chips and asking them to pick out the blue they each imagined. More often than not, two individuals will pick out different shades of blue and may even be surprised at the difference in their respective choices. Just because we use the same words doesn't always mean we are describing the same things.

    Communication and patience are the only remedy I know for this. I wish them both good luck.

  2. Hi i think you both have given them great advice and i would agree with you both.

    Given though they are both new and testing the waters so to speak, i think her boyfriend may have a preconcieved idea of what a Dom is. He has to understand that trance is putting all her faith in him especially with the disciplines they may be trying out. So both should seek advice when it is required, especially if things feel wrong.

    It will take time for them to become as one, this cannot be rushed into. Baby steps when starting out though, as we all well know this type of relationship can become so intense at times when rushed into.

    As you both have said patience and good communication between them is what is needed.

  3. I would say if you are to look for blame, or look for responsebility, look at both of you. D/s relationships aren't much different from other relationships, it takes two to tango. You need as others are saying communication. You need to develop trust. Trust will over time grow, and with that trust growing communication will become easier, since you will then feel comfertable and safe enough to go into yourself and open up yourself to him. Yes, there is the doms responsebility to call it, "train" his submissive. But the dom can't do that well without knowing his submissive. For him to make distinctions of when resistance in doing things from you can be pushed or when it needs to be haulted a step back comes trough communication. Most limits you have, you will not know beforehand. Yes, you can have an idea wether something is to be tested or not, but from maybes, to yes or no's it needs testing.
    And I do recomend to go slow as others are also saying. One can tend to get excited and want to test everything out at once, and then end up not knowing exactly what makes you nervous and not.

  4. For me when i dont feel at ease with anything i end up trying to divert my One with constant questioning, or i laugh if it is at play time, fortunately He knows me well enough now to get me to write down all the things which are muddling me and then we can then talk about them.( my blog and journal have been a big tool for Master and i to use. The above answers (to me) are so correct, honesty, comunication and trust play such a big part of my lifestyle with MK , some of the things that we do are quite extreme and i have to be honest and open with Him or i could end up in trouble and neither of U/us would get anything from the lifestyle we choose to live.
    Have fun , take it slowly and communicate loads.
    hugs and light

  5. Thanks SubRosaNoMore, blossom, ponderouspet and saffy for your very good advice. I am sure Trance will find it helpful I certainly hope so.

    I am publishing another email tomorrow which again is from someone quite new to the lifestyle and I think there is some overlap on the issues.

    Good luck Trance

    P xx

  6. I just wanted to say thanks to Pygar and everyone else who offered advice. I really appreciate it. We've started just sitting down and talking about everything and so far things are going great. We're still going about it slowly, but things are definitely progressing. Thanks again everyone.


Please ensure that all comments are helpful and supportive. Deliberately hurtful or abusive comments will be deleted.