Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Where are the real life Doms?

I've just received the following questions from puppy:
um im 18 an tired of dating boys who are so weak that i get away with anything from teasing them and then saying no and then they just stop like what is that they want me but they don't understand that i want/need someone to tell me what to do and be stronger than me.

well anyways i went to online place to meet men and wrote what i was looking for in a man and was so swamped with responses that it was freaking me out.

finally one man he is 42 years old knew exactly what i needed the thing is he wants to cam first which i don't mind we already exchanged lots of pics and stuff. The problem i am having is what if he doesnt want to really meet me which i want more than anything the what if part comes from maybe he only wants online sub instead of real life.

i know i am a sub and have been since i was a little girl but where are the real life Doms if there are any? And how do i sort the fakes who only want online girls to the ones who want real life?

sorry for my bad spelling

tyvm if you can help me?

- puppy
I replied as follows:
Hello puppy

Thank you for writing. I'm not sure how much I can help but I will try.

I think if you tease boys and then say 'no' - they are right to stop.
You might want to go further but there are girls who just like to
tease and when they say 'no' mean 'no'. A man going too far in such
circumstances could lead to serious consequences.

The whole point of BDSM and D/s is that it is consensual. The way it
works for each couple is worked out over time - so it may be that in a
particular relationship 'no' does not always mean 'no'. However the
Dom would understand the sub well enough to know when that is the
case. Often in such relationships they may have a 'safe word' - and that
really should mean 'no'.

However I can understand your frustrations. If you have been dating
men close to your own age I think few will have the life experiences,
knowledge and experience to be a true Dom. There may also be much for
you still to learn about your submission. That may be why you have
found an older Dom to help you on your journey.

Is he the one for you? Does he want real time or just online? I cannot
tell - you will need to decide that on your own. However as you have
found there are a lot of predatory men on contact sites. Many of them
may pretend to be into D/s when in truth they are just after sex. It
might be that the man you have met online already has a real-time
relationship and only wants online play.

However meeting someone who you only know from the internet can also
be full of potential dangers. So if and when you meet someone make
sure you take appropriate measures to ensure your personal safety.

I do understand your difficulties in meeting a Dom and your eagerness
to get some real experience. However do try to be patient and get it
right. It could be that attending local munches might be a way of
making friends on the scene. You will get lots of friendly advice,
invitations to events and may even meet a Dom who is right for you.

Good luck - I do hope you find what you are searching for.

Best wishes

Perhaps readers can offer some further advice to puppy.


  1. There are meet up groups advertised on Though I have never been to one, they meet in safe places like Starbucks. You might want to sign up on fetlife and see if there is a meet up group near your area. They usually signal the group by way of some kind of obvious sign, like a stuffed dog on the table, but one that would only be known to insiders.

  2. Thanks David. Philadelphia eh? I am sure puppy will rush out to buy a bus ticket.

    But I thought you lived in Las Vegas?


    - P

  3. Thank you Neo Dom Tom.

    I think that is really good advice for puppy. I mentioned fetlife to her in a separate email - and "munches" above. (Are they called the same in the US?) I do think that such groups can be a good - and safe - place to start.

    Thanks again for your input.

    - P

  4. Hi Puppy

    i totally agree with what Pygar and NDT have said, take your time and dont rush into anything just because that person has said the right words you want to hear. There are a lot of so called Doms who are only in it for what they can get and because you are so eager to learn as most new subs are, you could put yourself in unwanted situations. Do join fetlife there is a submissive group there who have a wealth of experience to share as well as blog friends who will give you great support also. Do read up on the lifestyle also and learn from that. Munches are a great place to meet like minded people and a great and safe place to start as Pygar and NTD have said.

    Take care and have a safe start on this amazing lifestyle.

    blossom x

  5. . . . oh, yes, and Las Vegas.

  6. I have had the same issue since parting ways with my first and only Daddy recently. Most of the supposed Doms who have reached out to me have not been right for me and did not seem to fully understand or respect what it is I am looking for. Thank you for the advice I have read here.

  7. There is nothing wrong with taking your time to get to know someone on line first. A real D/s relationship does take time to develop. It's not just a question of finding someone who says the right things and then you do what he says. In so many ways, it is like any serious relationship. Some people fit and some don't.

    Even if you end up having a relationship now with someone experienced which is only on line, you can learn a lot from that. So much of D/s is mental. The physical part can be exciting and satisfying, but it is the mental connection, the psychological development, and what you learn about yourself that makes it such a powerful dynamic.

    Try going on FetLife, and start up conversations with a number of men. Don't rush into anything. Look for someone who wants to find what is in YOU, wants to develop YOU, rather than just mold you into some pre-set fantasy of what he wants.

    Lots of luck. When you find the right person, you will know it has been worth the wait.


  8. Hi Puppy

    Was reading this great post and i thought it would be very appropriate to what you are asking help for, it is very informative and may be useful to you in starting out.

    Hope i get this right and post the link for you to copy and paste, im not very good at posting links for you to click onto to take you right to the article... i know Pygar can do

    blossom xx



    Only looked quickly but the top bit seems good advice.

    Thanks blossom.

    P xxxx

  10. see i knew you could do it

    blossom xx

  11. wow thanks everyone, an i like the link blossom :)

    and thanks Pygar for helping me :)

    puppy xxx <3

  12. Thank you all for your comments. I am pleased that puppy has found them helpful. Do feel free though to continue to add to the thread.

    Good luck puppy. I am sure we all wish you well.

    P xx


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