Tuesday, April 26, 2011

from husband to Dom?

Ann wrote to me with this interesting email.
Greetings Pygar,

I have been following your blog for a short while and appreciate the topics you address along with the response garnered by your followers.

I was initially drawn to the D/s lifestyle though romantic fiction and now crave real life conversation to further inform me on the possibilities.

In this quest, I have made contact with my local BDSM group and even managed to attend a munch with my husband!

Below is a rough breakdown of our most important experiences.

• He previously (before the D/s conversations started) broke my trust by not respecting NO. We are on our way to repairing that but my trust is still shaky.
• Our first scene went horribly emotionally wrong. We did not inform ourselves and there was no safe word. *cringe*
• He refuses to submit to me when we attempt bedroom scenes. He says he wants to be punished. We obviously need to clear up some language and behavioral rules here. If he wants the "punishment" then it isn't punishment, it is a reward. For good behavior. For submitting. (This particular conversation has been had but I feel like the blind leading the blind here!)
• He currently initiates take down scenes which are very therapeutic for me. I can see the potential for the Dom I think I want here. He knows what I need.
• I'm afraid I will overwhelm him with my intensity of emotion and he will feel OBLIGATED as my husband to do this for me.

Ultimately, I have discovered that I do crave submitting. But I fear he does not crave my submission. Have a put myself between a rock and hard place? Or am I just impatient?

Thanks for listening, Ann
I replied with the following email.
Dear Ann

There is so much in here I am unsure where to start. Thank you though for writing. I am pleased that you have found my posts and the responses helpful. The commenters usually speak far more sense than me!

You mentioned finding D/s through romantic fiction. I am sure for many of us such fiction has lead us to search for similar real time experiences. Do be wary though. Fiction and fantasy can often be very different from reality. In BDSM as well as romance the dreams of the novels are rarely brought to fruition in real life.

It is great that you have been to a munch or something similar with your husband and met real people. But even in that - all "real" people have their own reality. There is no reason why you should not create your own reality.

You have had a lot of challenges in your real-time journey. In particular not taking "no" for an answer, needing and lacking a safe word, your overwhelming him with your own emotions ... all strike me as key.

In craving submission but being unsure of your partner's ability to meet your needs you find yourself in the same position as many of my online sub friends. It is a difficult and insecure place. No - you are not just impatient. However patience may be the key for now.

You are at the beginning so taking things slowly - or at least at a pace that seems comfortable to both of you would be a good thing. I know though how impatient I get in new BDSM relationships and know that I tend to rush things! To my cost though I know that can be a mistake.

I think communication is the key and a desire to understand each other and take account of each others developing needs. I wonder also if you each are yet aware fully aware of your own desires and needs let alone the others? You each seem to have been playing in different roles as sub and Dom - perhaps exploring and discovering. Many do like to switch though others (including myself) feel to be happiest in one role. I wonder too whether you are just exploring the more physical side of BDSM or also the more psychological aspects of D/s and where they overlap?

Do read lots, learn what you can, remember that there are dangers - emotional and psychological as well as physical, take care of each other, have fun and enjoy yourselves.

With kind regards and very best wishes

Pygar xxxx
So what do readers think? Is Ann just being impatient?


  1. Hello Pygar--I haven't commented on any of your posts for a while, but this one struck a chord. My lizard is very submissive in some ways, especially in the bedroom where she purrs like a little kitten, but outside of the bedroom she is a take-charge person and always telling me what I need to do, when I would much prefer a more submissive attitude from her. So there are many dynamics in every relationship. I tell her I want her to ask instead of tell me, but she habitually still makes the demands.

    Don't get me wrong--she is not even a demanding woman, generally speaking. she is never angry, very even keeled and ultimately willing to submit to me on almost everything. Fortunately there are areas where she totally controls which I have no interest in--finances, home decoration, those are her areas. And I love to cook, so she is lucky that way. We have a wonderful relationship that I would not jeopardize for anything, but she does not have that deep seated need to submit that I have read on many other blogs.

    These are just the day to day issues. There is the whole other side of starting any relationship where the person you are with might be perfectly well behaved (for your needs), but if there is no chemistry then you are both wasting your time.

    Anyway, the problem can work both ways. My wife does not have that submissive need that informs her whole life, and I have lately been feeling the need to dominate her. Relationships ultimately simply come down to this in my opinion--when you go home in the evening (or if you stay at home when He comes home in the evening)do you feel contentment, excitement even, or do you feel dread and unhappiness. In balance, when I come home I am always glad to see my little lizard, so I know I need to keep what I have.

    Perhaps this response is a little off topic. I think, in fact, I'll make this into today's blog entry on my blog as well. thanks for the inspiration, to both you and Ann!

  2. Thanks Neo Dom Tom

    Of course you are right that every relationship and dynamic will be different. I think too that there are many who are dominant in certain parts of their life but submissive in others. Submission can often be a great escape from the day to day demands on and responsibilities of powerful people.

    I have though heard from lots of women who are eager to explore their submissive side but whose husbands find it difficult to meet their needs.

    I look forward to reading your post.

    - P

  3. I am extremely submissive, and I crave my husband’s dominance. He isn’t what one would call a “dominant” sort, but to be fair, he doesn’t know much about the D/s relationship. He is doing more reading now, and I am helping ease him into learning more about what I’d like from him. He’s doing really well.

    When I first decided to cultivate a D/s relationship with him (sometime late last year) I pondered how to go about it. I knew if I barged in with how-to books and a flogger he’d freak out—grin—so I decided to go at it from a “service” angle. In other words, I focused on submission *outside* the bedroom first. I had to find a way to show him that submission is not all about pain in the bedroom; at least, it’s not for me. And I needed to satisfy my desire to serve him.

    I began by doing more little things for him, and by changing the way I speak to him and treat him. Now, my husband and I are basically comedians. We never fight, and we laugh all the time. We’re always thinking up funny things to say to each other. Even when I am mad at him, if I disguise an insult as something funny he gets the message and we both laugh and it’s over. We respect each other, and we ALWAYS say “please” and “thank you.” The first thing I did was to start paying closer attention to what I said to him, making sure I wasn’t hiding something hurtful in a funny comment. The second thing I did was to make SURE I always said “please” and “thank you” no matter how insignificant the reason.

    I started doing more things for him, and “thinking” like a submissive. If the dogs decide they want to go out after dinner, I take them instead of pretending I don’t notice until he does it. I ask him several times during the evening if I can get him anything. If I get him something, like a glass of tea, when I see he has finished it I ask if he’d like a refill and I immediately either bring him a refill or take the glass to the kitchen. When he gets dressed, I tell him how nice he looks and how handsome he is. I do not say “Sir” or “Master” to him, which he would find silly. Maybe that will come, maybe not. I’m not worried about it.

    As he started to bloom under my “submissive care,” I started adding more for him to think about. For instance, he has a health issue that forces us to plan our intimate time together, so sometime during the day I might text him and ask if I may be honored with his attentions tonight. If he responds with a negative, I thank him and remind him that making me wait makes me crave him more :). If he responds with a positive, I ask him if there is anything he’d like for me to do to prepare myself for him. The first few times I did that, it surprised him and he didn’t know what to suggest. So I made a suggestion or two, which taught him in a very gentle way what I meant when I asked. Now he tells me what he wants me to do before our time together begins. He seems to like it.

    In the evenings, I go to him and kneel between his knees, laying my head on his lap. I don’t think he realizes I am actually *kneeling* for him, and at this point he might feel uncomfortable if he did. But I need to do it, and he needs to grow accustomed to it and I think he likes it. When he tells me to move onto the sofa beside him, I do, placing my head in his lap while he strokes my hair or plays with my nipples and we watch TV for a while together. It’s our “quiet time” we reserve only for each other.

    All this has increased his confidence in the bedroom and he is gradually growing more dominant. He worries about hurting me, but I have suggested he not think of whether he is “hurting” me, but to think of it as heightened sensation instead. At the moment, I’m not altogether comfortable with the idea of pain simply for pain’s sake, but I love the intensity as he becomes more forceful with me.

    Sorry this is so long but Ann’s message kind of struck a chord. I hope there is something here she, or anyone, can use. It’s a frustrating thing, when you want to deepen the relationship between you and your partner, but you aren’t sure how.

  4. Starfish - Thank you very much for sharing your story. It soothes me to see another submissive finding her D/s way with the man she already loves and cares for.

    I especially like your description of the change in your thinking and subtle actions towards him. Oh, and your quiet time sounds divine.

  5. Neo Dom - I also thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject and shall visit your blog shortly and see what tangents of conversation this has aroused.

  6. Thank you for your kind words, Ann Mouse. Hope I helped in some small way. I wish you all the best, and hope you and your husband have many happy years together.

  7. Thank you Starfish.

    Please do no apologise for your comment being long, it was very informative. I will post an email very soon from London who will I think be very interested in your post as it addresses some of her thoughts directly from a personal perspective.

    I think we all are looking for advice from such a personal perspective so thank you for your comment.

    Clearly Ann has found it helpful and supportive too.

    Good luck on your own journey.

    P xx

  8. Pygar, thank you very much. I do hope Ann and others find something useful in my comment. I've been reading your blog--which I enjoy very much--for some time, and I have found a great deal of helpful information here. Thank you, also, for your insights and your guidance.

  9. You are welcome Starfish. Thank you for your kind words.

    P xx

  10. Dear Ann - I admire you for wanting to try to bring your submissive needs into your marriage. In my late, unlamented marriage, I couldn't even think of revealing my fantasies, let alone directly indicating that I wanted to have sex of the most vanilla kind. Turns out ex-hubby #2 was wanting me to initiate sex, although his behaviour towards me was not at all inviting.

    With that in mind, my first question is: how is your relationship in general? How openly and comfortably were you normally communicating? Pygar was so right when he said that communication is key. If there are other problems with the marriage, especially with feeling comfortable communicating, you might want to address those also. Or even first.

    You mentioned that your trust was broken when he wouldn't respect your NO. Trust is absolutely crucial for any sort of BDSM encounter, be it a one-off play session or an ongoing 24/7 relationship. When you are submitting - really submitting - it's like that exercise of closing your eyes and letting yourself fall back into someone's arms. It is a demonstration of trust. You MUST trust that the other person will be there. And if he or she isn't, you could be seriously hurt.

    You speak of "the D/s lifestyle." Pygar wisely cautions you against taking what you've read in fiction as reality. Even those of us who write about our own realities can't help but edit what we say and color our accounts, sometimes unconsciously, with our emotions.

    Also, the combination of your reference to "lifestyle" and your mention of different bedroom scenes makes me wonder what you are ultimately hoping to achieve. D/s in the bedroom? Or the eventual presence of D/s as the underpinnings of your whole marriage? Either or anything in between is fine. I don't think we have the right to judge anyone else's choices, and I'm the last one to say you have to do it this or that way, or use this or that form of address. You may not even have an answer now, but it's good to realize that there are various options.

    The big thing this all requires is patience. Lots and lots of patience. Especially as neither of you have prior experience. You're learning as you go - which can also make for a lovely intimacy. But you're not going to get there overnight.

    Finally, don't be too hard on yourselves or each other. The process not only takes time and patience, but it also - inevitably - involves mistakes. I've had a very intense relationship with a highly experienced sadist for the last 2-1/2 years. His involvement with BDSM in one form or another goes back nearly 40 years. He goes VERY slowly. He writes plans - both long-term and for different goals along the way. He constantly needs to revise them. And he does make mistakes. Even he, after all these years and many, many submissives, makes mistakes. We have recovered from some near catastrophes - emotional rather than physical, which is the core of it all - and are still somewhat shaky after the last one. But we care enough so we stick with it and learn more about each other and keep trying and grow closer and closer as we survive each one.

    Lots of luck to you both. If you do manage to make the journey together, it can be deeply, and beautifully rewarding.


  11. Oatmeal Girl - Thank you so much for your response! We are very open with our communication.

    It is right that I need to make sure we create the reality that WE want, not based on anyone else's fantasy.

    Ah, yes. And you can see that I struggle with patience. :D

    We grew together sexually as virgins together and now have a new path to explore.

    Once again, thank you for sharing. :D

  12. Thank you all for your advice. I do believe we are on our way as He has suggested that we go collar shopping this weekend.

  13. "collar shopping" !!!

    Well that certainly looks like positive progress. I am pleased that things seem to be going so well.

    Thank you for letting us know.

    Good luck

    P xx

  14. Hi I have just recently started doing more research towards bringing the D/s lifestyle into the bedroom. I've been with my husband for 7 years now and I think he would make a great Dom but he has never done anything that comes close to what I am looking for. I'm trying to nudge him slowly towards the idea explaining the things that I like and find interesting I don't think I have actually come out and said I want you to be my dom and I your sub but then I guess that would be the easiest way to start this, I just think I fear that he will deny me and I have this feeling in me like I need this very much so. I'm happy with him and everything in the bedroom is great, but somehting is missing and I beleive this is it. Now to get to the point, how exactly do I go about telling him that this is what I need/desire without just throwing it at him and really becoming more of the dom myself? I am slightly afraid that I could scare him off with how much I crave this. I want to educate him so he can feel more relaxed but he's more of a closed off person I mean we talk but he's more of a person to just come home and relax instead of sitting in front of a computer/book and learning about what I need. I guess what I am asking: is there a way to bring small doses of D/s into the bedroom without having to scare the man that I love away. Sorry this is so long I don't seem to have anyone to ask questions to or talk with. And thanks ahead of time!


Please ensure that all comments are helpful and supportive. Deliberately hurtful or abusive comments will be deleted.