love in the lifestyle

SouthernSir sent me this interesting question (and later his own response which I agree with.) He and I would be interested in readers' views on this.

Hello Pygar

I am curious about how one feels regarding how love fits in to the BDSM lifestyle.
In reading various resources I have noticed that there are many Dom's who feel
that love towards one's sub is actually a detriment to the relationship and the lifestyle as a whole.
Once a Dom begins to feel emotion's towards their sub it changes the dynamics of the relationship
in such a way that to some they feel it makes them weak, or because of the fact that they now love this person that
they feel they are now no longer able to push their subs limits out of fear of hurting them.
Doesn't love make you stronger not weaker in any relationship?
How can one truly guide someone and push their boundaries in all ways if they do not truly care for that person?

Curious on thoughts about this.

Respectfully yours
SouthernSir

I replied,

Thank you SouthernSir for your interesting email.

I feel a caring relationship with a sub is essential. Just my approach. I feel that a real attachment between sub and Dom is key to such relationships. How could a sub give herself totally to her Dom if she did not feel she was cared for - and yes, loved?

I find I have to have a strong affection for a sub and I am not frightened to call it love. Her submission is something precious - to give this deserves respect, care and love.

If a Dom feels no emotion towards his sub then I worry he is not a Dom but an abuser.

I agree strongly with you that love makes you stronger not weaker in a relationship.

You are right that it is possible to push boundaries when there is trust and respect and a true knowledge of care and love.

- Pygar

So what do readers think?

from husband to Dom - part 2

Shortly after the email from Ann published in the previous post I received this email from London.

Hi,
I was reading your blog and I wondered if you could possibly help me out a little.
I am interested in exploring my submissive side. I would prefer to explore this with my husband. The problem lies with the fact he is pretty vanilla in the bedroom. I have tried to spice things up, offer myself for service, and to tell him in romantic situations he can have what ever he wants. It really goes no where. Do you have any advice to possibly help?..
Thanks
London

It was interesting that this was similar to the email I had received from Ann. I replied:

Hello London

This is very difficult - and a problem that I know a lot of submissive women have. I know a number who want to explore their sub side but whose husbands have no interest at all. Some have worked with their husband to try to move things forward with varying degrees of success. I hope to publish an email from one such on Uncle Agony in the next few days.

I suppose communication is at the heart of this. It might be that you could try to be totally open with your husband about your needs and ask him directly if he would try taking a more dominant role in trying to meet your needs and desires.

Some men find this quite difficult. It contradicts what they believe is an appropriate way to show their love and respect for their wife. However it is only through sharing your needs and desires with him that you will be able to discuss such issues with him. Do recognise though that he may be upset at such revelations and the fact he did knot know you as well as he thought. So take it gently and with care.

Good luck

Pygar

London wrote straight back,

Pygar x,
Thank you so much for the advice. I have thought a lot about this since the email I sent you. A good friend of mine who is very vanilla but I trust their confidence, suggested I start making myself more attractive to him and to do things that please him. My friend suggested things like always wear something sensual to bed. To wear makeup and dress in ways I think he would like. My friend also suggested I do more around the house such as clean and bake more. My friend thinks that this could lead to the perfect conversation opener. He will certainly notice the changes in me and I can start the conversation by saying "it makes me very happy to pleasure and serve you."
What do you think?
And yes I have no problem with you publishing my emails.

Thanks,
London

What do readers think London should do? Should she try to talk it through with her husband as I suggested or should she follow her friend's idea and almost try to seduce him into dominating her?

from husband to Dom?

Ann wrote to me with this interesting email.

Greetings Pygar,

I have been following your blog for a short while and appreciate the topics you address along with the response garnered by your followers.

I was initially drawn to the D/s lifestyle though romantic fiction and now crave real life conversation to further inform me on the possibilities.

In this quest, I have made contact with my local BDSM group and even managed to attend a munch with my husband!

Below is a rough breakdown of our most important experiences.

• He previously (before the D/s conversations started) broke my trust by not respecting NO. We are on our way to repairing that but my trust is still shaky.
• Our first scene went horribly emotionally wrong. We did not inform ourselves and there was no safe word. *cringe*
• He refuses to submit to me when we attempt bedroom scenes. He says he wants to be punished. We obviously need to clear up some language and behavioral rules here. If he wants the "punishment" then it isn't punishment, it is a reward. For good behavior. For submitting. (This particular conversation has been had but I feel like the blind leading the blind here!)
• He currently initiates take down scenes which are very therapeutic for me. I can see the potential for the Dom I think I want here. He knows what I need.
• I'm afraid I will overwhelm him with my intensity of emotion and he will feel OBLIGATED as my husband to do this for me.

Ultimately, I have discovered that I do crave submitting. But I fear he does not crave my submission. Have a put myself between a rock and hard place? Or am I just impatient?

Thanks for listening, Ann

I replied with the following email.

Dear Ann

There is so much in here I am unsure where to start. Thank you though for writing. I am pleased that you have found my posts and the responses helpful. The commenters usually speak far more sense than me!

You mentioned finding D/s through romantic fiction. I am sure for many of us such fiction has lead us to search for similar real time experiences. Do be wary though. Fiction and fantasy can often be very different from reality. In BDSM as well as romance the dreams of the novels are rarely brought to fruition in real life.

It is great that you have been to a munch or something similar with your husband and met real people. But even in that - all "real" people have their own reality. There is no reason why you should not create your own reality.

You have had a lot of challenges in your real-time journey. In particular not taking "no" for an answer, needing and lacking a safe word, your overwhelming him with your own emotions ... all strike me as key.

In craving submission but being unsure of your partner's ability to meet your needs you find yourself in the same position as many of my online sub friends. It is a difficult and insecure place. No - you are not just impatient. However patience may be the key for now.

You are at the beginning so taking things slowly - or at least at a pace that seems comfortable to both of you would be a good thing. I know though how impatient I get in new BDSM relationships and know that I tend to rush things! To my cost though I know that can be a mistake.

I think communication is the key and a desire to understand each other and take account of each others developing needs. I wonder also if you each are yet aware fully aware of your own desires and needs let alone the others? You each seem to have been playing in different roles as sub and Dom - perhaps exploring and discovering. Many do like to switch though others (including myself) feel to be happiest in one role. I wonder too whether you are just exploring the more physical side of BDSM or also the more psychological aspects of D/s and where they overlap?

Do read lots, learn what you can, remember that there are dangers - emotional and psychological as well as physical, take care of each other, have fun and enjoy yourselves.

With kind regards and very best wishes

Pygar xxxx

So what do readers think? Is Ann just being impatient?

Where are the real life Doms?

I've just received the following questions from puppy:

um im 18 an tired of dating boys who are so weak that i get away with anything from teasing them and then saying no and then they just stop like what is that they want me but they don't understand that i want/need someone to tell me what to do and be stronger than me.

well anyways i went to online place to meet men and wrote what i was looking for in a man and was so swamped with responses that it was freaking me out.

finally one man he is 42 years old knew exactly what i needed the thing is he wants to cam first which i don't mind we already exchanged lots of pics and stuff. The problem i am having is what if he doesnt want to really meet me which i want more than anything the what if part comes from maybe he only wants online sub instead of real life.

i know i am a sub and have been since i was a little girl but where are the real life Doms if there are any? And how do i sort the fakes who only want online girls to the ones who want real life?

sorry for my bad spelling

tyvm if you can help me?

- puppy

I replied as follows:

Hello puppy

Thank you for writing. I'm not sure how much I can help but I will try.

I think if you tease boys and then say 'no' - they are right to stop.
You might want to go further but there are girls who just like to
tease and when they say 'no' mean 'no'. A man going too far in such
circumstances could lead to serious consequences.

The whole point of BDSM and D/s is that it is consensual. The way it
works for each couple is worked out over time - so it may be that in a
particular relationship 'no' does not always mean 'no'. However the
Dom would understand the sub well enough to know when that is the
case. Often in such relationships they may have a 'safe word' - and that
really should mean 'no'.

However I can understand your frustrations. If you have been dating
men close to your own age I think few will have the life experiences,
knowledge and experience to be a true Dom. There may also be much for
you still to learn about your submission. That may be why you have
found an older Dom to help you on your journey.

Is he the one for you? Does he want real time or just online? I cannot
tell - you will need to decide that on your own. However as you have
found there are a lot of predatory men on contact sites. Many of them
may pretend to be into D/s when in truth they are just after sex. It
might be that the man you have met online already has a real-time
relationship and only wants online play.

However meeting someone who you only know from the internet can also
be full of potential dangers. So if and when you meet someone make
sure you take appropriate measures to ensure your personal safety.

I do understand your difficulties in meeting a Dom and your eagerness
to get some real experience. However do try to be patient and get it
right. It could be that attending local munches might be a way of
making friends on the scene. You will get lots of friendly advice,
invitations to events and may even meet a Dom who is right for you.

Good luck - I do hope you find what you are searching for.

Best wishes

Pygar

Perhaps readers can offer some further advice to puppy.

A Question for Q&A month

Naughty Monkey is a very naughty monkey and has sent me a question.

"How much physical damage is too much, for you? What are your limits on that? How much is too much? Where do you and yours draw the line? Bad bruising, welts, drawing blood, marks lasting a few days , or a few weeks, permanent scarring? No marks at all? What are your feelings on this topic?"

My answer ...

Well, I am not eager to mark. For me that is not the point of it. I do not particularly gain my pleasure from the marks or bruises as much as from the response of my partner.

Having said that I will contradict myself a little in saying that I do like to see some marks. For instance the stripe left by the cane or the reddening of skin from a spanking or paddling. But it is these immediate marks that give me pleasure rather than longer lasting ones.

However I know that many subs enjoy being marked. They like to see lasting marks as a memory of a session and enjoy seeing them change and fade over time. Where that is the case then I am of course happy to comply - within reason.

I have no desire to cause serious bruising and certainly not permanent damage or harm. I have an aversion to blood and would not wish to cause bleeding. The only case in which I would consider deliberately causing a permanent mark was as part of a special commitment with a permanent partner.

Does that answer your question dear monkey?

What about my other readers? How much physical damage is too much for you?

protection

I had been intending to write on the Kind Dom blog about this subject. I will do so soon. However by chance I got this email from J:

My question is about something you've mentioned before.

Recently, I was placed "Under Protection" of someone. I wasn't entirely sure what it meant, but HE explained it to me as such.

I had been considering placing you under protection, and even mentioned it to [his slave].
It's usually a bit strange for a Trainer/Master to approach someone about this but since Protocol isn't something you are very into I thought I would make an exception. ;)
There is some Protocol to this kind of arrangement, but very little.
The main thing that I ask is that you take my input and consideration seriously and think it over before making a decision on whatever topic is under discussion.
That does not mean that you have to do what I say of course, just as I said, take my advice seriously.
I think it would be benificial to you and I wouldn't worry as much about you. :)

So, that being said, agreed. I'm pretty headstrong, and I in NO way wanted to be TOLD what to do, but the way I read it, he had no intention on ordering me to do anything.

I travel for work. I've travelled for work for 4 years. But I got back from travelling yesterday, and the first thing out of his mouth when I went to his house to hang out was "you didn't ask my permission to go."
I didn't think I needed to. It's mny JOB, I don't think I should have to ask permisson of ANYONE to work.

Furthermore, he told me I wasn't allowed to go see my long-distance boyfriend over Valentine's Day. Mind you, he's never MET my boyfriend. But was disallowing me from seeing him.
I mean, I'm gona go see him anyway,I'm an adult, but heres my question;

That crosses a pretty serious line, right?
Based on his OWN message to me, he's over stepped his bounds.

Question 2; Any good ideas on how to dissolve this situation without brusing an ego or hurting a friendship?

Thanks!

I rather thought that her protector was pushing the boundaries too far and replied in this way:

Dear J

I was surprised at first that you talked of "being placed 'Under Protection' " in a way that implied it had been the Dom's decision. I feel that is inappropriate. It might be that a friend who is a Dom might offer protection when they feel you are in danger - even from yourself - and need advice and support. But it is not something that one imposes on another. Rather to my mind it is something that comes about from agreement.

I can agree with what your "protector" explained was his role - but certainly not with how he is carrying it out. In his admonishment of you for going away he was being controlling and punitive. It seems totally inappropriate.

I would tell him you are not prepared to accept his "protection" in that form. Given that he cannot keep to his own guidelines I would be wary of accepting it from him in any form. I feel that trust has been broken in this case. Yes he stepped over the bounds. After that it can sometimes be hard to step back again.

But he is a friend - so how do you deal with it? You don't want to hurt his feelings (we Doms are such sensitive creatures! LOL) I think you should explain that while you appreciate his advice and support and will continue to take it seriously you cannot accept the level of control he wishes to impose. I am sure you can find the words to do it appropriately. If he is not prepared to accept this and tries to impose his own solution - then I think you will need to ask yourself if he can remain a friend when he acts in such a way. There would be such lack of respect that for me it would be hard to maintain the friendship.

I hope that helps.

You will of course do what you feel is best.

Best wishes

Pygar

What do readers feel? Was this overstepping the bounds of "protection"?

Could converting to a D/s relationship ruin a wonderful friendship?

George has written this interesting email:

Hi there. I recently became involved with a beautiful girl who has fulfilled all the things I ever wanted in a woman. Smart, funny, driven, loving, and so forth. The feelings are reciprocal too, which is an amazing feeling. I feel extremely lucky. (The number of times I unthinkingly used the word "feel" or "feeling" should be an indicator of how happy I am.)

A couple of weeks ago, she revealed to me that she is what to me (as an outsider to the BDSM community, with all my stereotypes that come from benign ignorance) seems to be a "textbook" sub. She wants to submit completely to me sexually, let me humiliate and degrade her, take her completely in my thrall, have her will subsumed by mine. We have done some light D/s play with ordering her to do this or that act, light slapping of various parts, hair-pulling, responsible choking, and so forth. However. :) There is always a however.

While on one level I find this profoundly erotic, sexually satisfying in a way I have never been sexually satisfied, it also frightens me a little bit. When I was married to my ex-wife we did some of this "light" BDSM but I never really unleashed this Dom facet that I know is inside my brain to the extent my beautiful girlfriend needs me to. She is amazing in so many ways; emotionally healthy; upbeat. I am afraid "converting" to a D/s-type relationship will ... I don't know, ruin things? How do I balance dominating this girl who I love very much, and by whom I am so perfectly loved, with a D/s sexual relationship? I think that she truly needs to be dominated to be sexually fulfilled. She had a very difficult upbringing in that she was forced to grow up early. Giving up her control and surrendering to the world gives her the relief from her responsibility she needs. I am more than happy to do this for her. But I don't want to lose the hand-holding, kissing, laughing sweetness of a traditional relationship which I take so much pleasure in.

When I say I am "happy to do this for her," I mean it is very sexually satisfying for me as well. I'm not just doing this because she wants me to. I do it because it is something I enjoy as well.

I work hard to be very nice, respectful, considerate in my life without allowing myself to be a doormat. It is nice to unleash my inner Type A in a way I know it will be appreciated and respected.

Can you please provide some input on maintaining a healthy long-term relationship with aggressive D/s features.

Thanks.

I found George's email very interesting. He seems to be a lucky man!

I replied in the following manner:

I really do not think you need to worry at all. She is enjoying this approach and you have discovered in yourself a satisfaction you have never felt before. So do keep to it. I think it will strengthen your relationship not harm it.

You are worried that you may lose the gentleness, care and tenderness that you see as part of your relationship. A healthy and essential part of it. You are right to want to keep this. However I believe that side can be even stronger in a D/s relationship. There is great tenderness in comforting, calming and loving a sub after a hard scene. I think such tenderness is perhaps rare in a normal relationship. There is a real need for such comfort and care. It is very loving.

In my most intense real time relationship, with a sub who was very submissive and perhaps even masochistic, we would walk hand in hand sharing our love and care for each other like any loving couple. There may be those who insist their sub walk two paces behind them. There may be a place for such activity at times but there is no need to lose the tenderness from your relationship. I think that was part of the reason for setting up the original Pygar blog - as a kind Dom. It may seem a contradiction. However the popularity of Pygar's blog has shown that it is an approach that is welcomed by many subs and Doms. I hope it works for you both.

If it doesn't and your girlfriend wants something different - then you will need to talk openly and discuss what will work for both of you. But as the dominant partner she may welcome you deciding how you want the domination to work and being clear about it - whilst ensuring you are meeting as many of her needs as possible.

You have discovered the other side of a strong and powerful person who craves giving responsibility to someone else for a while. There are many powerful men who pay to visit Dominatrices to enable them to give up their power and responsibility for a while - to have someone else take control and care for them.

So taking control of your girlfriend is truly caring for her. Relieving her of her responsibilities is an act of love. You are both gaining satisfaction from it. The only "right way" in D/s is the one that works for both of you.

Enjoy. Have fun. Be happy.

Good luck!!!!

George and I would both be interested in input from other readers. What do you think?