Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Why won't he dominate me?

Hi Pygar

So… who am I, you ask? I think I'm a sub. I think I'm in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I was very married and very vanilla for 24 years - - amicable divorce - - a chance encounter with a patient Dom flipped on all my switches and a thousand "ah-HA" moments. Played with a couple of other Doms before meeting the man I have been with, off and on, for the past 2+ years. We have had to work thru a series of very trying situations, situations that left both of numb for awhile. We haven't been in D/s mode for months now. Hell… we haven't even been intimate even in the vanilla sense for weeks and weeks. I miss him terribly. I miss my sub-ness. We have turned a corner in our healing, or so it feels to me. We have resumed holding each other, saying kind words, re-building the trust and are slowly moving forward…. But…. he won't respond to my efforts to be submissive. I call him Sir. I am of service to him. I am patiently waiting for him to lead again…. But one days rolls into another and another and another. He says he loves me. I tell him I love him. I worry he is no longer attracted to me, but can’t bring himself to say the words. I worry I've taken on a deadbeat loser - - he lost his job last month - - along with 2.5 million other people - - but still, the idea of helping support a man who won’t touch me - - much less step up and lead - - rattles me down to my bones some days.

This is one of those days.

So what…. You ask? Why am I writing you? I was wondering, from the "kind Dom" perspective, what suggestions you have to help my man know I need him to resume being a Dom? I feel so lost. I feel like I'm waiting for the microwave to "ding" and it just keeps spinning the empty bowl around and around. I ache to feel his firm hand on me. I ache for him to say the words, "good girl." I ache to see that swaggering confidence, that calm assuredness. I'd be happy to kneel at his feet, to use all the protocols we had in place before everything unraveled, but when I begin to display such behaviors, he tells me we are not "there" now. In a earlier state of desperation I suggested a bit more of a DD approach - - thinking some regular ass warming might help manage some of my insecurities as to who we are to one another. He (reluctantly) provided me with 3 very delicious spanking sessions and then said that to continue would be a farce as we aren’t in that kind of a relationship right now.

We have both said we want to get back there…. But I don’t know how long I need to be this good before he will allow me to feel him again. I recently saw a comedy sketch with a woman bellowing in her man's face, "WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME?!" - - and I felt so ashamed for myself thinking maybe I'm doing something similar…i.e., "WHY WON'T YOU DOMINATE ME?!" So I have completely backed off from making any requests, plans, hopes or aspirations. I'm just plugging thru one day at a time. We go to bed wrapped in each other arms, but he tacitly avoids my pussy, my breasts, my ass….

Tell me… please… from your perspective… is this a case of he just not being that into me?? Should I wake up, smell the coffee and throw in the towel (and all other related metaphors)? Or, is there something magical I might say or do to access his Dom-side??

I have no doubt he is a Dom. He was the one who introduced me to "The Loving Dom" book as a way of introducing me to his approach to D/s - - i.e., my behavior is my choice - - not something he wills of me. Not something he ever enjoys disciplining or punishing me for. And now, given that he doesn't not regard us as being in DD or D/s relationship tight now, I have wrapped up my gift of submission and put it on a shelf - - eagerly await some small sign from him that he is ready to accept it again.

Ok… that's all. Thanks for reading this. I hope that you are for real. I hope that you will read this and have some sage words of advice - - from your "Kind Dom" perspective.

Take care,

- t

Hello t

You say that you think you are a sub. Some women are very clear - though interestingly with more experience of subbing many also often learn to enjoy switching and dominating a partner at times. For some the submission is a part of their lives - something they need to help them recharge their batteries whereas for others it is a lifestyle choice.

My usual answer to people who write to me in a similar way to you is ... "communications". It is often the key but I can tell you have tried this. You have tried to be patient and understanding but are worried that you have lost something very important to you. I can understand your worry and distress.

But one thing struck me in what you wrote about your partner was that he had recently lost his job. You say you are worried that you have taken on a deadbeat loser and may be expected to support him.

I wonder how he feels about this? For many macho "Dom-type" men losing your job can be a terribly distressing blow that hits at the heart of your very being, self image and self confidence. To be your Dom, your Master - he has to feel strong and worthy. I wonder if he is in a state of depression and perhaps has been for some time before he lost his job. If he is then he will not have the confidence and strength to be your Master - to use you in the way you need. Perhaps at the moment he is the one who needs that framework of support.

Men are notorious for being unable to speak of their feelings - partly because they are not even good at recognising and analysing them. He may not even recognise he is depressed but become more so when he knows he can no longer satisfy you in the ways you need. Yet another blow to his self image encouraging the downward spiral.

You speak very movingly of how you have tried to maintain the relationship. You have done very well. When does one throw in the towel? I don't know t. Only you can know that. If I am right and depression is at the heart of it then it could be a long job rebuilding his self image. Therapy would be a useful part if he can recognise the value of it. Can D/s be a part too? Perhaps - but the responsibility of being your Master could be too much - and perhaps he can no longer visualise himself in that role.

Only you know the depth of your love for him and commitment to him and can decide if you can manage the immediate future.

Good luck

With very best wishes


Pygar -

Thank you! I have failed to see the obvious. I’ve been so concerned about him wanting me, needing me - - as a sub - - that I didn’t consider how he might actually NEED me in another capacity right now. And you are right…. He struggles with articulating his own needs. Ah Men! Dom men are maybe even worse at this, huh?

A few more ramblings here…. First off, I know I’m a sub. I wrote, “I think I’m a sub” as it is such a struggle not being able to be the sub I need to be right now in this relationship. And yes…. Being a sub is a need – not a want.. I have come to realize I don’t feel my true self unless I am in this mind-set/role. It was like finding a missing appendage when I discovered this about myself a few years ago. All of the fragmented pieces that never quite fit until I considered myself in this context, all fell into place. I had experienced a lifetime of inner turmoil up until then with wanting to be successful in the business world, independent and not “need” a man as women generations before me had, blah-blah blah - - yet also having a dark desire for a relationship that I was made to serve, to please, to feel the need for me and what I could offer. To suffer in the name of love. To hurt in the name of desire. To be disciplined when I fell short.. To be rewarded when I did well. To be my true self.

And I found this with this man. I discovered so much more about myself in our first months together. It was a time of such inner growth! I couldn’t wait to learn what he would require of me this week, having to be mindful of his needs and be respectful in my manner; learning to ask rather than proclaim, learning to control my own impulses for the greater good…. And then, Life started to get in the way: An unexpected death of someone dear; extreme stress at work; a small lie revealed; promises broken; a health concern; financial struggles; (and the list goes on and on)…. And with each issue, the D/s dynamic between us took a toll. Some protocols were forgotten; some of our routine was set aside; what I expected of him shifted and visa versa…. Now I sit beside him rather than at his feet. Kneeling is no longer required or desired of me. I haven’t crawled anywhere since last summer. My collar is in a drawer, not touched since gawd knows when. We have, essentially, become vanilla - - and I hate it.

- t

So how can t find her Master again? How can her Master rediscover his power over her?


  1. This sounds so very much like my former relationship partner whom I used to call Master. Life, depression, financial stress, death of my father, loss of my job, his physical ailments, all completely destroyed our D/s relationship. With us, I was accused of no longer being submissive when I asked him to dominate me, or spank me or play with me. I was told I was no longer respectful to him, and was accused of being a vindictive bitch when I finally told him, "this doesn't work for me," and told him he needed to move out.

    You are in a difficult situation. I do not envy you. It is difficult to maintain a loving attitude when the man you love no longer garners your respect. It is also uncomfortable when you NEED to be submissive, but you are the only one able to take charge, and keep your life moving.

    I wish I had wonderful answers for you. I wish I could tell you that we worked through our problems. What I can tell you is that by walking away from my former partner, I was able to find a man who dominates me in a way I thought only possible in my dreams.

    Positive energy and many hugs for you, my dear. I hope you find peace and happiness.

    Daddy's cutesy pah

  2. I like to dominate during sex. But I've met women in the past who want to be told what to do the whole time. Go make the dinner, turn the tv on, sit here,etc. Not only is that boring for me but the girl wants to complain to her friends how hard done by she is. She confuses the sympathy she receives with love. I don't want people thinking I'm the bad guy. These girls also want to refuse to do what you ask sometimes. If you say "Ok, forget it", they lose interest in you. But if you force them, they will fight you or smash something valuable. At best they will tell their friends "he made me go to the cinema when I didn't want to." I've met women who have affairs but are upset their husbands won't order them not to have affairs. "He says if I loved him I shouldn't want to."
    I will never understand the female mind.

  3. Thank you anonymous. I too will never claim to be able to understand the female mind! Though as a Dom I think it is always very important to try to understand your sub very well.

    I must admit that I too sometimes get frustrated when a woman asks for my advice about even the smallest thing - though there are others who have thought me too controlling!


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