Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Only punishment and no rewards

Good Afternoon, Sir,

Sir, i need some help and advise. i have not been in this lifestyle very long (my dom has been in the lifestyle over 5 years now), but i am troubled by the fact that there seems to be only punishment and not rewards. my Dom knows my needs, both sexually and just being with Him. It seems the slightest mistake from me creates the biggest punishments. i am struggling with not having the good stuff rewarded and only having the bad stuff recognized.

The situation is: We were messing around on MSN; i have been really watching my p's and q's, i had been asking permission for absolutely everything, i had been lower casing my 'i', upper casing anything to do with Him, i came back from lunch, i was back in work, i msn'ed "Did You miss me, master" and in that split second i forgot to check my MSN and sent it. my punishment is to clean his car from top to bottom, inside and out, which i am more than happy with, but the biggest punishment, the one i am finding harder to deal with is the enforced 'no contact' and the renegaging on the promise of a sleep over at the weekend. i have the absolutely craving to be with Him, He also knows that i have my sexual needs to be thought about, it is part of our contract that He is aware of them and what i need. i honestly do not think the punishment is suitable for the deed, but i cannot say. i have asked Him, respectfully, to read the contract, and highlighted this to Him.

Reading through this, it became more of a rant that a request for help, but it is helping me to not focus too much on the not speaking to Him.

Thank You, Sir


PS i also forgot to mention that He said if i did it again, He was taking my collar away from me. Makes to too scared to have ANY contact with him, being on the constant knife edge.


  1. In training rewards usually are more effective than punishments. But punishment is peraps inherent in the D/s dynamic. It is part of the power and control scenario. Part of the need for Domination or submission comes with some sadism and masochism. But I have not been comfortable with emotional punishment and emotional sadism. I am pehaps far too kind!

    If your Dom understands how upset and worried that you are then perhaps this is part of a larger plan which will lead to even greater pleasure and fulfilment for you - but threatening to take away your collar for such a minor infringement does seem very strict. In any case not having the sleep over or releasing you may be unpleasant too for your Master - unless he genuinely does not care for you. However I am sure you would not have entered into this relationship if it was not clear that there was care and affection on both of your parts.

    I suggest that, as respectfully as possible, you just make sure that your Master understands the effects his actions are having upon you. I hope then if he is a good Master that you will find fulfillment from your time together.

    However if things continue to be difficult then it would seem that your contract was not being kept. My view is that it is important for these issues to be discussed seriously if that is the case.

    I do hope things work out for you - and that just writing about it has helped a bit.

    Good luck and thank you for writing.

    I hope others with more experience of similar situations might also contribute here.


  2. I have been in the D/s lifestyle for many years. I have interacted with both those who are strict and others who have a more casual way of handling relationships. However, this strikes me as inappropriate. It would be one thing if you chose and liked such humiliation, or such strict rules. But it sounds as you do not.

    Trust and mutual respect is a key element of D/s relationships. Without these elements, imnsho, there is no relationship. In my experience, if I ask for acknowledgment of my feelings and that acknowledgment is ignored, then I cannot continue in the relationship.

    Although I may, at times, delight in teasing Daddy, ours is a nurturing relationship. He and I talk "with" each other, not "at" each other. He and I love spending time together, and it is a disappointment to us both when we do not spend time together.

    D/s relationships take work and effort on both parts. It appears obvious to me that your submission is not welcome, nor appreciated. A puppy who is beaten repeatedly will no longer come to its master, but whine and cry in its presence. It sounds like this email is your cry for help.

    You know inside, in your heart, whether this works for you. Your cries for help sound as though it does not. Please have the courage to stand up for yourself, and find someone truly deserving and appreciative of a submissive such as yourself.

    As for the collar, imnsho, a collar is a bigger commitment than a wedding ring. Whether long-distance, online, or real time, a collar is not something to be taken away or given like a token from a bubble gum machine.

    I hope you find peace and happiness.

    Daddy's cutesy pah

  3. Thank You both, very much. i really do appreciate Your guidance.


  4. Good luck serenity.

    I do hope things work out well for you.



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