Thursday, April 16, 2009

releasing control

I have been exchanging emails for a little while with a woman who has left her husband who was also her Dom. She realised that she was in an abusive relationship rather than a loving D/s relationship. However she has been used to having every element of her life controlled for so long that she finds it difficult living without that control. In fact the control has conditioned her to such a degree that reconditioning herself is proving hard. I quote here from two of her emails.

I was looking at web sites quite a bit with hopes that i would find answers I but I have had to stop because I just get all turned on and frustrated and can't do anything about it cause I don't have permission from him. How can I break that so I can be satisfied and cum on my own without asking? I am truly having a mental block about that one. Am I that broken? That I can't even find satisfaction on my own? How retarded is that? How can you miss being spanked? Am i 5 again? Holy merde the wall and my head are making way too much contact , i gotta stop this, how can i shut down my mind?

. . . and then later . . .

Tried again, with a little more success. Maybe I am getting somewhere. At least I feel something if not actual release.
Is it wrong if I just hear his voice in my head as long as he isn't here when I actually cum? Or should I completely block him out. I just hear the words " cum for me now" in my head and I almost get there, but just can't seem to go over the edge. Then I hear " don't you dare cum bitch" or " you're not allowed to cum unless it is me that gives it to you" and it ruins it. Even with Mr Hitachi and Mr. kinky pinky. Maybe I am broken. Even the nipple clamps aren't working. I even tried flogging my own back and it felt good but I need the surprise of the smack. Then I start feeling guilty for even trying. Is this psycho. Should I just give up and go back to him? Doing this on my own is a lot harder than I ever imagined.

Any suggestions?


  1. This may sound crazy, but try holding your breath. I do not have any idea why this helped me get through the exact same thing you are going through, but it did. Using your Hitachi(loves it) hold your breath until you cum. It may take a couple of tries, but focus on not breathing until you cum. True, now I have to hold my breath to have a clitoral orgasm, but at the very least *I* chose that conditioning. Not the abusive jerk who ruined it in the first place! I hope that it works for you too, I know how frustrating that is!

  2. DO NOT GO BACK!! Please don't go back. God I feel your pain! How many of us have been ripped apart and left to put ourselves back together?

    Have you tried giving yourself permission? Literally talking out loud to yourself. Go through the entire process but with yourself. Deny yourself out loud, bring yourself to the brink and command yourself to stop... and then try giving yourself permission.

    And no it's not wrong or twisted that you hear his voice in your head you were together probably for a long time. Just try to gently replace your voice with his, slowly, slowly.

    But most of all be compassionate and gentle with yourself. You are the victim of abuse, it will take time to heal. You will, I PROMISE you if you want to heal you will heal. Just be kind and patient with yourself. Have you thought about trying to find a kink aware therapist?

  3. I completely understand your pain, your confusion and your concern about being broken, unloved and unwanted. It does hurt, and will continue to hurt for some time. But, be kind to yourself. You wouldn't force yourself to walk on your foot if it was broken, would you?

    As a divorce attorney, all of my clients have issues similar to this feeling of abandonment, being broken, unloved and unwanted. I understand they may or may not have issues about orgasms, but the issue is the same. You must learn to treat yourself as your best friend.

    Think of a woman with whom you are close. What would you do or say to help her through this difficult time and this pressing issue? Now, apply that advice to yourself. If you will act as your own best friend any time an issue arises, you will learn to be self-loving and self-supportive through most anything. And, that is the key to maturity and a happy life.

    What I'm asking you to do is not easy. We know this because if it were, everyone would do this, and our relationships would be much happier and much smoother, as we would not look to another for our happiness. If we can do this (be our own best friend) we can share that happiness and joy with our partner rather than looking to him or her to "fix" us or to "make" us happy.

    As for the orgasms, I also understand your frustration. I didn't have my first orgasm until age 21. I simply didn't know how. And, I've never been multi-orgasmic until Daddy came along. No one pushed me to do so.

    And, until Daddy came along, I didn't have orgasms during sex. So, as you see, I was a very sexually-frustrated woman.

    But, I did learn a trick or two along the way. First, listen to his voice in your head for now. Just remember that it's your choice whose voice to listen to. It's your mind, your body, your decision. Second, try bearing down when you start feeling the orgasm rising. I've learned that if I bear down, I really can make myself cum.

    I've never been one who cums on command. I couldn't be taught by anyone previously in my life. Until Daddy came along, I truly thought I was broken, unloved and unwanted as well. I was told I was too difficult to make cum, and that I was too much a SAM to be a good submissive.

    Since Daddy's appearance in my life, I've come to realize that everyone else just didn't want to take the time and effort necessary to learn me and how *I* work. Everyone else was all about them. Daddy is all about us, and that works wonderfully for me.

    And, when all else fails, remember the wise words of Emily Dickinson, "there is nothing which cannot be cured by a hot bath and a good book."

    lots of hugs and positive energy sent your way,
    Daddy's cutesy pah

  4. Thank you anonymous, Bella and cutesy pah. I know that the writer has been grateful for your words. I believe she is doing well, all things considered.



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