"brand spanking new to the D/s world"

I received a very interesting email recently from wild cat. She was so kind about my blogs - how could I help but respond? This was the email:

Dear Pygar,

I love your blogs! 

• (Thank you! - P xx)

I have a question for you that hopefully you and your readers can offer insight into. My husband and I are brand spanking new (pun intended) to the D/s world. I am excited beyond words for this change in our relationship! It's what I've--what we've both always wanted, and now we are taking steps to make it reality!! Here's where I'm having some trouble. My husband is a good man, loving, kind, faithful, smart, I could go on...he's not, however, very on top of things. In our relationship, I have primarily been the one to remind him about appointments, housework, and errands he needs to run...even sometimes to shower, brush his teeth, and eat regularly. Sometimes several times. Sometimes several times and then he still doesn't do it. He struggles to stay on top of his work, too--procrastinates to the last minute. Also, I am the primary "breadwinner." This has caused some struggles in the past, but (a) we have worked through most of it in couples therapy and (b) didn't really care too much, as he has much to offer in other ways (see the list of adjectives above). However, ever since we have gotten serious about taking this step, I find myself suddenly angry, bitter, and very contemptuous--with an attitude of "You want me to submit to you? That's cute, dear, but our lives would fall apart..." He is aware of the problem, too, and is growing towards being what I believe will one day be a good Dom, and when we talk about what we want, our styles seem to mesh very well. In the meantime, though, we are experiencing a lot of struggle. I was wondering if this is common in the beginning--especially the need for the sub to "test" the Dom to see if he is indeed in control. He keeps asking me to "make things easier on him" but this does not interest me. I feel like a wild cat and i want to be tamed, no matter how much I growl! Also, I am aware at how important trust and respect are, and I just don't believe I can have those without testing him first. I'm not testing to be cruel--I'm testing to see if he is ready. How common is this? We still know very little and have practiced very little so far. Any and all thoughts are welcome (although I would ask that people refrain from saying "get a different Dom." He's my husband--I'm only interested in doing this with him). Thank you!!!

--wild cat

I responded as follows,

Thank you also for your kind words about my blogs.

There are many interesting points that I have heard separately from others that all seem to have come together for you! There is the strong and powerful woman who needs to submit and be cared for; the discovery together of a desire to engage in spanking; the concern (from either or both parties) that the Dom may not feel able to deliver all that is required; the desire of a sub to test out her Master, to be feisty and challenging; the lack of "knowledge and eagerness to find out more; and perhaps much more too!

So let's also emphasise your final comment, "I would ask that people refrain from saying 'get a different Dom.' He's my husband--I'm only interested in doing this with him."

Good on you for that. You are committed to making it work. That is a really good start. You have already worked through much of it in couples therapy. That again shows the commitment of both of you. I hope that helped - and wonder if it was contributory to the decision to engage in D/s. While it is common for many people - male and female - who are strong and powerful to need to find time to relax into submission in a safe environment with a trusted partner, it is perhaps less often the case that someone who is less powerful in their day to day life satisfying their dominant side in a parallel way. Perhaps being dominant requires a more embedded personality - it is perhaps not something that many can just switch on or off.

Having said this, my personality is genuinely kind and gentle, but there is an underlying strength that can exhibit itself naturally in Dominance. I wonder without that underlying strength - can someone become the dominant partner.

Perhaps though your husband also has that. Perhaps he can learn and develop it. Perhaps in doing it within a D/s context her may learn skills that can help him in his day to day life.

What is good though is that you are able to talk about things and discuss your feelings and needs. That is surely a start.

Make sure though that you have the same desire to submit as you have for him to dominate you. You say you want to test and challenge him. You want him to make you submit. In the end the issue isn't just his ability to dominate - but also your ability to submit. If you refuse to submit to him then that will be your failure as much as his.

Good luck on your journey.

- Pygar xx

I think there are a number of fascinating issues here. I hope other readers will respond in the comments section.