Thursday, August 16, 2012


J wrote to me recently. She said,
Good evening Sir,

i have a problem i would like help with. i found Your blog through google search. i am new to the BDSM lifestyle, and yesterday at my first in-person meeting with my Dom i messed up big time. He says he accepts my apology (i did many things wrong- disobeying His commands, standing/walking- not crawling, yelling when there was a spider in the room, not calling Him Sir, as well as a couple other things, i'm sure.). my question now is how to i get Him to stop feeling indifferent towards me? i just asked Him and He says He isn't angry at me, just indifferent. This hurts more than Him being angry. Is there anything i can do?

Thank you so much for your time, Sir. 
It is always difficult for those new to this. It can also be very intense - and to feel a Dom is indifferent seems a cruel punishment. I replied as follows.
Hello J

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry you are having problems. I do know that it can be difficult when one is new to BDSM. There seems to be so much to learn and new protocols to get used to. It is easy as a sub to think that everything is your fault and that it is you who is somehow inadequate.

However those who claim more experience should be supportive to those new to the scene. Also a Dom should show respect towards his sub, help teach her, and be understanding of her needs.

You cannot expect to know everything at once and if things did not go well on your first meeting then that is as much if not far more to do with him, his skills and his attitude as it is to do with you.

If he says he is indifferent to you then I am tempted to suggest that you tell him to get lost. Possibly in even more colourful language. I think you deserve better. There are good people out there who can help you learn and begin to experience some of the things you desire.

Best wishes and good luck

Pygar xx
Do others have more helpful advice? Do add to the comment. Thanks!


  1. I agree with Pygar. I am fairly new as well (under a year) and have a strong personality, so punishments have been frequent but they have also come from a place of growing, learning and in my case love. A Dom taking on a new sub needs to have patience and a commitment to make it make it work. There is not room for indifferance.

  2. I agree with Pygar as well. If he is not mature enough to handle his feelings, you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.
    Keep looking you will find someone who fits you. It may take some time but it's worth the effort! Being submissive does not mean loosing who you are. Good luck to you


  3. Thanks dancinbarez and Leann. I'm pleased you agree with me! Though it can sometimes be interesting to have opposing views. In this case though it seems quite clear.

    However I am sure that J has given a major commitment to her Dom and has tried so hard to be appropriately submissive and to please him.

    Dom's will use many things as punishments. I know that it has often been commented that being ignored can be the worst punishment. I wonder if this could be similar? That J's Dom is using a pretense of indifference as a tool to encourage J to try harder?

    Ok - I'm clutching at straws here but just a thought!

    P xx

  4. In my opinion, indifference isn't really a good tool in a new relationship (if at all...). I agree with your advice totally.

    I feel a lot of "new" subs don't value themselves enough, and possibly will accept treatment that will not be compatible with what they need. Sometimes it just isn't a good fit, and sometimes it is just a misunderstanding that could be worked through. However, any Dom who was only "indifferent" to a sub because they didn't behave as expected at a first meeting would make me question things very quickly. If the Dom doesn't care enough to offer guidance at a time like that, what happens if something really goes badly?

  5. Thanks agog.

    I do agree with you that so many new subs do not value themselves enough. It makes them vulnerable. I think they may misunderstand submission and feel they must give up all their rights and feelings to a Dom before trust and a real relationship has developed. I think I may write more bout this on "A Kind Dom" blog.

    You are so very right when you say, "If the Dom doesn't care enough to offer guidance at a time like that, what happens if something really goes badly?"

    Thanks for your contribution.

    P xx

  6. Thank you all for your input and advice! It is so awesome to know that others are out there who are willing to help!!!

    ~ J

    1. J, if I can add my 2 cents worth... Indifference is the great killer of marriages. It sucks even in the vanilla world, not just between partners who use the architecture of D/s or M/s or S/M to explore their relationship together. The idea of exploring a relationship together necessarily demands curiosity, not indifference. You want to align with a dominant who will be curious about you, take time to understand your reactions, and take time to cultivate a scene or scenario that will not upset your limits. (i.e. you're allowed to have 'no insect life' as a limit, or at least to require self-expression in the face of spiders. You're allowed to assert that right in the relationship of your dreams.) The best part about relationships is that you are a human first, and a submissive (or a dominant) second. Your human needs come first, and form your limits and your loves. Your submissive role comes next (or dominant role for doms). How you wish to express yourself and how you wish to serve your partner. Whether this will be long term or just casual play. You get to choose these things and negotiate them. You negotiate until you both come up with an agreement you are excited about. Indifference has nothing to do with it if you didn't sign up for it. <3


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