Thursday, March 15, 2012


I received an email recently for publication on Uncle Agony with the title "submissive". It went as follows,
Dear reader,

I'm very new to the BDSM life. I don't have a partner nor do I know whether I am a submissive or a dominate. I do, however, know that I like BDSM and would enjoy doing it. I believe that I am a submissive person but all my life I have been raised to be a dominate person and it's hard for me to let go of control. I also have a few questions about the BDSM life style, such as if your a submissive, do you act like a slave with your partner 24/7? Or can you (the submissive) be treated like a normal person outside of the sex? Thanks for your time and support.

Alexandria (alex)
I sometimes find it so hard to know where to begin with those like alex who are new to D/s and BDSM. There are no easy answers and I believe no rights and wrongs. It may be just a matter of finding the right relationship with the right person who one can really trust - then taking it from there.

There is so much to learn - and where to start? Of course there is lots written on the internet to research. However there is such a lot that it must be overwhelming for someone who is new but eager to learn and to experience safely.

When one is new and with no experience one is in that wonderful state of knowing there is something out there - but what might one become? Something precious for a good mentor to teach and help find fulfilment - or a potential victim for someone manipulative to abuse?

I feel much of the advice that alex requests from me is already written in my Kind Dom blog. However it would be a long read from the start.

What is the essence of knowledge to give to alex and others like her?

Do others have more supportive responses to her questions than I have given so far?


  1. I feel I should reply properly myself. There have been general comments by readers on the "Kind Dom" blog which are useful but my own comments above are also general. So I will respond to a few specifics.

    I am interested alex that you know you like bdsm but do not know whether you are dominate or submissive. There may be many like you who are attracted to the scene in this way. Some chose to 'switch' - to take the dominate role with some partners and the submissive with others. For myself though I know I seek dominance in such relationships. Perhaps you might discover yourself - your needs and desires - and develop as a Domme or as a submissive.

    There is no contradiction in you believing yourself to be submissive despite having been raised to be a dominant person. There are many who express themselves as dominant in their day to day lives who long for the chance to let go and to submit to the desires of another - to be cared for and looked after. Sometimes this can be just as a break from the stresses of being powerful. For others it may be something they seek longer term.

    You may find that when you discover the strength to submit to another that you are able to give up control and discover a truly submissive nature.

    As regards your questions about the lifestyle - there are no rights and wrongs. Couples in D/s relationships operate in very different ways. Some may live it 24/7 however for others, especially with children, it may be kept to certain times and places.

    Good luck in your search and development.

    - Pygar

  2. I would add, "watch some movies" or if you've already watched some movies then figure out who you are in those movies. There are movies like "The Secretary" and "Nine and 1/2 Weeks" that very carefully detail the beginnings of a D/s relationship and how people behave (in the beginning and even into the middle). These are not "right and gospel" (they are really different movies with very different plots) but what they serve is to illustrate the confusion, the learning, the figuring-it-out, the open and honest communication... They kinda give a good starting point if you're still figuring things out.


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