Thursday, July 21, 2011

to wax or not to wax ...

I received the following email with an unusual question recently. Well it seemed unusual to start with - whether or not a sub should stop waxing at the instruction of a new Dom when it was a very special issue to her. In the end though the question wasn't really about waxing but about trust and understanding. The email exchange is here.
Dear Uncle Agony,

I am a follower of your blog and very much enjoy your writing and thoughts.

I am hoping you might be able to give me some advice from a Dominant Man's point of view.

I am very new to the D/s world. I recently met a man online and he is kind, not demanding (yet) and very attentive. I am looking forward to meeting him for the first time in a few months.

I am clean shaven (waxed). He prefers a lady "au natural". He has requested that I do not continue waxing, and allow my pubic area to go. I told him that this is something I do not want to do. He has given me one month to think things over, and then at the end of this month, we will discuss again.

I DO NOT WANT to stop waxing. I have made a list to discuss with him (my reasons why etc).

What are you thoughts regarding his request? Is he being unreasonable? It is my personal preference, and I just do not feel like a lady if I am not smooth all over!

I welcome any advice/help you might have time to give me.

Thank you very much.

My reply is here.
Dear star

Thank you for your email.

For myself - I prefer a woman clean shaven. I enjoy cunnilingus and hate getting hairs in my teeth! However that was not your question. It is about your partners wishes and your response.

Your new partner prefers a woman unshaven but your strong preference is the opposite. It seems a strange thing to have become such a big issue so early in the relationship. It is clearly very important to him in the same way that it is very important to you. But surely a developing relationship is not going to founder at its first hurdle over whether or not you wax.

I wonder rather whether he is testing you out - and trying to see how obedient you are prepared to be to him even over something very important to you. But it could be that he is just uncaring of your strong concerns.

However he has not instructed you not to wax. You say he has requested it. He has not threatened to punish you or close the relationship - he has given you a month to think it over before it will get discussed again. You are marshalling your arguments in the hope that he might relent. Perhaps if your arguments are good then he will do so.

However as well as power of argument I think it can be good for a sub to use other skills of persuasion. Many Doms might be influenced by some humility and gentle pleading in such a response. I wonder if rather than arguing with him you prostrated yourself and begged so very prettily to be allowed to keep yourself shaven it might prove to be more effective - and more indicative of your desire to submit to him and please him.

Perhaps it is good to have such a challenge early in the relationship. It is giving each of you an opportunity to explore how to resolve such disagreements within a D/s context. It may take some skill and care from you both to resolve.

Take care when you meet for the first time. I hope it all works out really well for you

Best wishes

This was the start of a longer conversation which gives more background - but I wonder how my readers recommend star should respond?


  1. When I first met my pet and we began talking about TTWD one of the first things I asked her what are her limits.
    Now that was not even a simple cut and dry question as I told her to list her soft limits, (ones that could be pushed) and her hard limits (those that were totally out of the question)

    Setting the framework for a D/s relationship is important.

    I have to agree with Pygar rather then setting the tone of an argument how you approach your potential Dom with your request will have great bearing on how he reacts.

    It is very well possible that he is setting a test to how how you react to being pushed in your limits which could well set how you will react when he pushes you on other boundaries.


  2. My hard limit: I don't shave my pubic hair. Why? One, I think it looks strange to not have it. For me, I find pubic hair on men and women (neatly trimmed) sexy. Two, the one time I did shave, it was very uncomfortable growing back. Three and the MAIN reason, I have uber- sensitive skin so shaving this very sensitive area is not a good idea. I know the question was about waxing...I don't do that either due to sensitive skin.

    My first Dom did not ask me to shave. He has had subs with and without hair. He inquired why I did not shave, listened to my reason and went no further. My current lover had preferred to be with women who shaved for one reason--he did not like the stringy hair in his teeth. A-ha! Let me explain. This lover dates women of all ethnicities. The few times he encountered a pussy with hair it was Caucasian women with stringy pubic hair. (FYI...not all Caucasian women have stringy pubic hair). So upon further questioning and investigation (and practice *wink, wink*) my lover realized that he doesn't mind an au natural girl. He just doesn't want a stringy-hair pussy.

    No stringy-hair here. I am a woman of African descent. My pubic hair (yes, this is TMI) is soft, and curly; not that thick and I'm not that hairy anywhere. I do trim every now and again so as not to be bushy and I use a sensitive-skin cream depilatory every few weeks on my bikini line (inner thighs). All is good, Sir can't stay away from His pussy. :)

    As I said, I have only shaved once, so my lovers have always experienced me au natural and I got no complaints or requests to shave. The one time I did shave, that lover (he was a long-term boyfriend) did complain. He hated the prickly when it was growing back in, he didn't really seem that thrilled that I had shaved :( ).

    In the end, it surely has to be what the individual feels most comfortable and confident about (sub/slave or not) and really both people have to discuss it. I don't think a person that really cares about you would force something that makes you feel poorly. If it wasn't a hard limit (for reasons given above), certainly I would compromise and give "the wax" <==um no! The shave a try.

    Hey who pays for this waxing? Dom or sub? A bikini wax in my area is 30-40 USD. Depending on how hairy you are or how fast the hair grows, that could get pretty expensive.

    BTW...My Sir doesn't shave and never has. He isn't that hairy down there.

  3. I have yet to meet a man who strongly preferred one way over another. I personally shave but have had a full bush, a stripe, now smooth.

    I believe this is more about testing her reaction to a request he made then it is about having hair. Especially since it is one she is so adamant about. I think he is seeing what her action will be after a month of consideration -- seeing just how willing she is to submit to him.


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