Thursday, May 14, 2009

My Dom is too lacking in confidence

This email is from a more experienced sub who has started a loving D/s relationship with an inexperienced Master. How best to proceed? Advice from readers is very welcome.

Hello Sir,

First, thank you for your blog and for sharing what you do there.

normally, i wouldn't take a question that related to my Master to be asked anonymously (sorta) somewhere else. i don't think He would be upset; we just have a big empahsis on communication. i just don't know how to communicate this. Master collared me back in March -- after about a year old knowing each other. We have a sort of hybrid online/offline realtionship. We see each other as often as we can for living a good distance away. We're both young. we're both in college. Our families know about our relationship in a nilla fashion. i have about three semesters of school till i am moving to where he lives.

i've told all of this before asking my question so you can get an idea of our relationship.
Thing is, he's hesitant at his matter what it is that he is doing or saying ....
i's there. he's reallly good at it, and i don't think he knows just how good. i'm his first sub -- he's not my frist dominant, but the only deeply connected and loving relationship i've ever had period.

He's admited fearing hurting me....or he says abusing the power i give him. Sometimes He pushes though this and sometimes He doesn't.

i try to be patient. i tell Him that first and foremost, i love Him for who He is to me -- rather than some percived notion of what he 'must' do as my Master. And, that really isn't my problem. i knew He was new in the beginning.

My problem is that when he doubts himself and doesn't clearly direct....i feel either confused or frustrated from time to time. it's a bit disorintating. i'm not sure how to respond. i have to check myself so that i don't grapple for power during these moments or manipulate -- two things i don't even want to do.

i can't help's part of my wiring. i crave that leadership from him, and it's hard not to feel lost when it isn't exactly clearly there. it's like...i want to serve and please him but when he is like that...i don't know how. Except to just keep on loving him and i do. But the submissive part of me has begun to feel a bit starved and i don't really know what to do.

i'm not even sure that i am making sense. How do i tell him . . . ?



Dear t

I can understand your problem - especially as you have had more experience in this area than your Master. There is always the possibility that he doesn't have it in him - and that he will not able to fully satisfy your submissive needs.

But remember - he is new to this. He is finding his feet. He cares for you and is frightened of harming you. That is a good start. Much better than someone inexperienced who was reckless and who might do you real harm. I think you need to be patient but to work through this together. You are the most experienced in this partnership so you may have to give a bit of help and leadership. I know you feel this goes against what you want - you need him to be the leader and to command you. But I believe if you work at it together you will get to that place.

Do lots of talking about each of your needs and desires and where you would like it to develop. Discuss his worries and fears of harming you and devise scenarios where he can feel confident. For instance there are lots of ways of structuring cp sessions where the sub can give ongoing feedback of how it is working for her. Once he gets to understand your limits and your needs he will need less of this feedback - but it is sensible that you start like this.

Perhaps you could look at websites together and discuss what you find there - ones about techniques and safety perhaps, others about imaginative scenes, blogs by couples in such relationships. I am sure all of this will help give you shared ideas of ways that you can make it work.

You may feel that a lot of this is "topping from the boom" and goes against what you need - but I think in the long term if he gains in experience and confidence then the topping from the bottom will be no longer necessary - though honest communication will continue to be essential.

For now keep talking. Keep communicating. Let him know your needs and listen to his concerns. Try to help each other.

I have had my confidence hit at times and as a kind Dom myself am perhaps cautious about going too far too quickly. But I have discovered that with trust and good communications it is possible to gain confidence and expertise quite quickly.

Good luck to you both.

Best wishes



  1. There is so many unknowns here it's difficult to respond well.

    I certainly agree with the good uncle when he says it's better to have a careful dominant than a reckless one. The responsibility of being in complete control of another's personal safety is quite overwhelming at times.

    There are basically three sets of relationships which actually occur in our world, whether anyone wants to admit it or not.

    First is the vanilla relationship which is self explanitory, I hope. Second is the "scene" relationship, those times where you are both actively engaged in moments of passionate expression.

    Last, but by no means least, is that in between time. For me this is the difficult part, balancing the D/s with the vanilla. Let's face it, it's just simpler to let her make her own choices sometimes, isn't it?

    However, for the sub it's clearly expected that during those times the dominant will manage and control and that's where most of the new ones find trouble. There is a serious grey zone there and perhaps he has a less than full understanding of your needs. Make an active effort to defer to his will more overtly. At restaurants don't look at the menu. Just ask him to order and accept whatever you get. Ask permission to leave the room, ask what you should wear. Push the choices onto him and praise him for understanding (whether he does or not is not important) of your needs. I refuse to call that topping from the bottom if the end result is a happy and more fulfilling relationship that gets more clearly defined.

    If he is struggling with the scene play, if he is too cautious because of a fear of hurting you, then he certainly can be helped out. If you get a bruise, show it to him and act proud, no BE proud, of the marks. Feed his ego and tell him how fun it was. Tell him you can't wait to see more. Make it fun for him, too. I often stop, well less often now, and ask the pet how she is and if she needs a break. She never says "enough" and so I have reduced the "check-in" times considerably. Win-win, really, but I did need time to learn her limits.

    One thing I've seen is that at first she finds it uncomfortable but it changes and becomes something else. She just seems to calm down after a time. That helps me a lot. When she's muttering "oh, fuck" and "Holy shit" I hold back. When she stops and starts reacting sexually I ramp it up. That warm up time is hard for new dominants to get past.

    If he's not getting past it ever, then he may just be so enamoured with the vanilla time that he's playing along with you to ensure he gets to spend that time with you.

    It seems to me that he has potential. I really hope you can help him by being a responsive and proud sub. It seems hard to be in love with someone who is most comfortable in the vanilla section when you really want to be kneeling all the time. Give him time and take an active role in showing that you love every aspect of your submission.

    -- Tristan

  2. dear t,

    I agree with both Tristan and Uncle that a considerate and careful Dominant is far better and safer than a reckless, inconsiderate one.

    Both Tristan and Uncle acknowledge his concern of harming you is real and understandable. Daddy has been concerned about harming me since the day we met, and yet, he has years of experience as a dominant. But, because he loves me so much, and I am tiny (in his opinion) in comparison to him, he is constantly concerned that he will physically harm me. Now, keep in mind, he and I agree that he may hurt me, but he will hever intentionally harm me. But, being the loving and attentive Daddy that he is, we both know that if he did harm me, it would purely by accident. But, that fear is constant in his mind, and will likely remain until we've had far more time to "play" together than we've had currently. I trust him implicitly swimply because he acknowledges his concern in this area. Better safe than sorry.

    Having said that, I agree with Tristan about doing things to show your man that you are submissive to him, and you are thrilled by his dominance. But, although I mean no disrespect to Tristan, his suggestions would never work for me. I'm a picky eater with many food sensitivies, so it's difficult, or nearly impossible for Daddy to order food for me without us discussing it first. As for asking permission to leave the room, that works for us in private, but it does not work in public, as Daddy loves to watch me work a room, and interact with people. He prefers to let me roam, and watch the men flirt with me, as though he isn't there. That for him is a turn-on, and it makes us both feel sexy knowing that no one would believe that I drop to my knees in Daddy's presence, and will do virtually anything to bring a smile to his face. And do so VERY willingly. *wink*

    But, like you and your man, Daddy and I live apart and long-distance for the time being. Because of the distance between us, we spend a lot of time on the phone. I have been able to help Daddy learn what works for me, and what I need from him as my Dominant through fantasy and phone sex.

    I tell Daddy all the time what "turns me on." I tell him how much I would love it if he did "such and such" or "so and so." And, Daddy tells me what would turn him on, or what he fantasizes about, or dreams will happen when we are together. It may be as simple as how he imagines me lying naked next to him as he drifts off to sleep. Or how much he loves cooking for me, and loves going shopping with me.

    Because Tristan is right - there is a huge "gray" area between the vanilla and the "play" or "scene" time. And, that is where life can be the sweetest, and where you can demonstrate your submission to your man on a regular basis. It is also the perfect area where he can work on his dominance and control over you. By developing simple rituals like him holding your wrist while you're in public, or you whispering in his ear, "Yes Sir," and smiling coyly at him, you can constantly reinforce your D/s connection while the vanilla world sees you as a couple madly in love.

    Plus, the sexual tension between you can be maintained, and flourish, as no one will be the wiser that you'll be on your knees doing his bidding once you've brought in the groceries from the car, and shut the front door.

    If he wants to learn techniques, there are many experienced dominants who are happy to teach others how to use a whip, flogger, TENS units, etc. If he wants to learn how to dominant you, it takes patience, communication, effort, and time.

    For me, the easiest way to realize what it takes to train a dominant is to recall what it took to train me to be a good submissive. It was a lot of trial and error as well as getting to know my own needs and wants.

    I believe that a good Dominant must be willing to learn, identify and acknowledge his own desires, fears, and dreams. If he is willing to do that, I think you've found yourself a winner.

    Best wishes for the both of you. May you have the relationship of your dreams.

    Daddy's cutesypah


Please ensure that all comments are helpful and supportive. Deliberately hurtful or abusive comments will be deleted.