Wednesday, May 20, 2009

How do I know if I am a submissive?


I’ve recently discovered your blog, and am emailing in the desperate hope of some advice…

I’m very confused. How do I know if I am a submissive?

Being controlled is all I think about, all I want and desire. I’m pretty sure I’m a masochist but I know it’s not the sane as being a sub.

I have a partner who I’ve sort of told about certain things I like in the bedroom, but I don’t think he would ever be able to control me in the way I desire.

I don’t know what to do, what to think. It is consuming my mind and I don’t think I can function in a relationship without those needs being fulfilled.

I know you don’t hold the answers, but I just need some advice.


Hello G

How do you know if you are a submissive? Well it seems that you already do know that. You sound as if you are aching to explore your submissiveness but your partner may not understand.

I know other subs who have discovered their submissive nature while being committed to a vanilla partner. I know they have had difficulties in reconciling these issues. I hope some may advise you here.

But in the end only you can decide if you sublimate your submissive desires for the sake of your current relationship ... or open up an explore what you feel may be your true nature. If you are lucky your partner may join this journey with you. But if he does not ... then you may find it leads to conflict and difficult choices.

Good luck



  1. I might be inclined to say try to work it out with the present partner but it didn't work for me and I finally, much too late, struck out to get what I need.

    So there you go.

    Try not to seperate submission and masochism. Labeling degrees of human behaviour will drive you nuts.

    You're a sub. All you need now is a dominant person to give you what you need.


  2. Hi G! My guess is that you're still fairly new to all that is BDSM & D/s or you wouldn't be asking if you're a submissive. My suggestion is to read, read, and keep reading until you've come full circle, reading articles that no longer have new information for you.

    Being a sub and a masochist are not mutually exclusive. I'm both, and many subs I know are both. But that doesn't mean YOU are.

    As for your desires, there is such a thing called sub frenzy, and you should read about it. I've fallen prey to it a few times, and done things I later came to regret due to my lack of foresight over the inevitable fall-out, and eventual sub drop.

    If your partner is willing to experiment, by all means go for it! Learning together is a wonderful way to become even closer as a couple. If you're open to such things, check out your local munches, get to know people, and find out who in your area is willing to mentor, and even negotiate a scene (no sex) with you so that you can experience that which you crave in a safe environment.

    Remember, SSC, and have your safe call partner ready to check on you, if you're not scening at a public event.

    I wish you well, and hope my words have some benefit for you.

  3. i was in a very vanilla marriage for 20 years and something as simple has holding my hands behind my back were not accommodated. i found other ways to try and find what i needed (laying on my hands, etc) but throughout the marriage there was always something missing and i always resented him that. Along with the other issues that caused the breakdown of my marriage, the resentment over the breakdown of the sex life was a major point.

    i think what i am trying to say is if you feel he is not giving you what you need in the marriage, you may be able to resign yourself to that, but you will end up resenting it.

    It was not until i had left the marriage, and had started dating again, did i find my Dom and He does give me everything that i hoped i would get from my marriage.

    Sorry, not so much advice ... more my story.

    Take care and i hope that you find it works out for you.


  4. Hi all,
    This was my e-mail, and I'd like to thank everyone for the advice. After careful consideration I decided what I had to do, and am now so much happier for it.
    I finally feel free to embrace the sub within me.
    Thanks again.
    G {Desidero}

  5. I find myself in turmoil here tonight. After meeting such an amazing and intelligent Dom. All my life I have realized the need to be controlled, the need for every relationship to have a little, if not a lot of control and jealousy. This man is amazing in every aspect, he is a doctor, a psychologist nonetheless. He is amazingly intelligent. Far superior than I ever thought I could find or even to be with. He is gorgeous, I find him ungodly attractive. And he is a true Dom. One that could provide total sanctuary, safety, love, warmth. He uses name-calling as a term of endearment, which may sound sick to some people but as I have never had a positive dom/sub relationship is hard for me to take, but not something I am that turned off by. But there are parts of him that want voyeurism to the truest extent. (Using the bathroom in the park while people watch, sitting naked in front of him and his friend as they watch the football game and he strokes my hair, etc) The way he talks about love and enlightenment and longing are everything I have craved but those aspects are something that terrify me, not sure it is something that I can do. And it is also something he is not willing to give up on, which I respect. Because he knows exactly what he wants. It breaks my heart that I had to let him go so abruptly, but I realized that if I could not truly make him happy in every form, then he deserves someone who will. It's just that I am confused as to whether or not I COULD do that... If I have the power inside of me, I am not sure... Just wanted some feedback. Thank you... ~M

  6. hey, could u please how to stop people playing with my feelings and hurting me just because I'm very sensitive and trust people


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