I had a surprising email from a sub yesterday She said that she and her Mistress had broken up. It was at her Mistresses instigation. However her Mistress was insisting on a six week period of after care.
The Mistress had to "repair" the submissive so that the sub would not be "dysfunctional". This involved a whole series of rituals as well as vanilla meetings. The submissive is going through with this even though she finds it a sadistic torture. She is doing it because she feels that her ex-Mistress needs it.
She asked me for some insight. Did I believe there needed to be a kinky rehabilitation after a dominant based relationship? What did I honestly think?
Well to be honest my first reaction was that it was bonkers.
However on further thought I wondered if the Mistress may have been trying to behave responsibly. D/s can involve a lot of conditioning. The sub is
conditioned to behave and respond in certain ways. There can be deep
psychological needs that are created within the D/s dynamic which can be
all the stronger if reinforced though extreme BDSM play. Where this is
the case then some additional support over and above that needed for the break up of a
vanilla relationship might be appropriate. A kind of de-conditioning if
you like.
Has anyone else come across this before? Or even been involved in it from either side. What do you think? Is it "bonkers" or a caring support to maintain a submissive's psychological health?
I would be fascinated to hear what you think.
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Dominants should be supportive with their sub when they dynamic ends or fails. Some might even assist the sub in the looking process for a new Dom.
ReplyDeleteWhat is described here, seems to be much more than just assistance. The sub who wrote to you seems reasonable enough..so not sure what's really going on. Some people just have a hard time letting go...
Hugs,
mouse
Well going through a break up myself I can tell you that I couldn't handle that torture. I mean at that point I really think it's best to cut your losses and grieve so you can move on. My relationship was a long term 12 1/2 years and it was very intense. Perhaps if the bond were less strong I could handle the after care but why would I even want to. I think the Mistress means well but I don't think its a good idea at all. IMO and speaking from a broken hearted perspective.
ReplyDeleteThank you mouse.
ReplyDeleteYes - my correspondent wonders if it is as much for the benefit of her Mistress as for herself.
- P xx
I am so sorry Des that you are suffering a break up after such a long term relationship.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for giving us the "broken hearted" perspective.
Good luck
Fondest regards
P xx
I've heard of Dominants giving emotional support and friendship after a breakup, but not really anything so formal as this. Especially not something with a time frame on it.
ReplyDeleteLike you Turiya I've not heard of anything so formal. However there are many who build in a formality and ritual element into their D/s lifestyle. Could it be just a continuation of that I wonder?
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting.
P xx
Initially I had to same response as you bonkers!
ReplyDeleteThen after reading your entire post I began to wonder myself.
The commenters had a great point of view. Did the sub really need this lengthy separation ritual? Who is this really for? To benefit the submissive or to benefit the mistress?
I don't believe that there's enough information to answer this question wthout knowing the level and depth of the prior relationship. However just by the submissive asking the question it beckons me this submissive already knows her answer.
I believe the submissive Is just looking for confirmation that she is doing the correct thing.
2bDom
Certainly I've never heard of this before! I have to wonder who will benefit from this extension of the relationship.
ReplyDeleteAs HusDom said, there isn't enough information to really know what exactly is going on.
I think I'd feel like refusing to engage in any further contact with the dominant..once it is over, it is over.. but that is my feeling.
Very interesting take on breaking up in a D/s relationship.
Thanks 2bDom and nbs. You both agree that more information is needed to have a better picture of what is going on and what advice to give. I do know a little more but am not sure it has helped me answer the question much better.
ReplyDeleteI tend to agree with 2bDom that the very asking of the question implies that she already knows the answer.
However I was perhaps also trying to get at a more general point wondering if there could be many situations where some kind of "deconditioning" might be appropriate. Can some of the conditioning of D/s be almost like brainwashing which might need significant support and skill to undo?
On this specific case though I do rather agree with you both that further contact is unnecessary - and possibly even undesirable.
Thank you both for adding your interesting comments. I'm pleased you have both found it stimulating.
P xx
Personally, Sir, I enjoy the idea -- the theory -- that a deconstruction of a relationship can happen maturely and that it does not have to imply a personal failure on anybody's part. I can imagine a situation whereby a domme were to say, "I think the time has come to wind down, now, so let us focus on that for the next two weeks. I will make some introductions for you and reconnect you to society if you wish to go out and about. We can work on re-integrating you into the world; come and let us dress." That sounds too good to be true, however, and I've never known a breakup to happen like that. It sounds, instead, as though the sub feels tortured and, more than tortured, the sub is trying to placate a mistress who has dumped her, which is a few kinds of unhealthy. One can pray that the light becomes clear for them both and that they eventually enjoy where they are meant to be. Sir, your posts are so very interesting, and these comments are also so very interesting.
ReplyDeleteThank you Choji for taking a positive stance on this question. As you say - the theory is great but that is sounds too good to be true!
ReplyDeleteLike you I think the sub was trying to placate her Mistress.
Thank you for the kind comments about my posts and the comments.
P xx
Wow, I wish my former Dom would've done something like that for me. It's been 5 months since i was released and it has been damn near impossible to re-acclimate to life alone with no one to take care of or to take care of me. You spoke of subs being conditioned to behave in certain ways and the possible psychological issues of an abrupt break up. It feels like absolute torture. Vanilla break-ups seemed to be no big deal. I can't even talk to my friends about this, though. I am truly alone. ~tara
ReplyDeleteI am sorry tara that you feel tortured and alone.
ReplyDeleteYes - it can be difficult to find others who can truly empathise with your situation. It is all the more difficult when you cannot share it with friends. I know others who have also found themselves in this situation.
You may find though that there are online friends where you can share and discuss. For instance on blogs like this and contact sites like Fetlife.
I hope you find some support and that soon you are ready to move on positively and with confidence.
Good luck
P xx
I'm with Tara, it's been almost a year, though, a few months ago we tried again. And it's been agony. Complete agony. So, much that I've deleted all my other blogs to start over on trying to work out my thoughts through a new one. And today is day one of me walking away from him, after he begged me to stay in his life as friends because he couldn't see his life without me in it. You can read all about it, Tara, on my blog and if you need someone who does understand to talk to, find me. It's hard and it's even worse when they were your best friend and lover before being a Dom.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if care afterwards would help, because simply he wanted to be friends while he literally jumped from me to another, and I tried and it was torture. For a year. I think majority of people will say that vanilla or otherwise, sometimes a clean break is just best.
What I think is not been taken into consideration is that a release is also the break up of a relation. Here the Dominant breaks the relation up and decides to 'help' her. However all those feelings that come with a break up are there too. Feelings like disbelief, anger, hurt, desolation are a roller-coaster ride. So as lovely as it is that this dominant is trying to help her sub. I rather wouldn't go that far. She needs a mentor or close friends to help her.
ReplyDeleteFor all of you who reacted here and are still devastated, release is hard to deal with. The sudden loneliness, dealing with the sudden lack of control and all the feelings that come with it is hard. But there are ways out.
love
ara
Thank you Ontheroadtoruin. for sharing with us how difficult your own break up has been and for your offer of support for tara. I hope that you might be able to offer understanding, empathy and support for each other.
ReplyDeleteGood luck
P xx
Thank you too ara for your very insightful comment. I think I agree with you that support from a mentor or close friends could be more helpful and appropriate.
ReplyDeleteReaders may be interested to know that ara has written at much greater length about this subject on her blog here. It is really interesting and I would recommend readers to go to her blog and read the post.