Thursday, January 21, 2016

Can a vanilla man with a dominant personality keep his kinky girlfriend?

I have often received emails from female submissives who are frustrated that their boyfriend/husband is vanilla and asking for advice. Then a few days ago I received an email that discussed the situation from the vanilla partner's point of view. John wrote to me as follows,


I honestly stumbled across your blog after searching the term “help, my BF is Vanilla”. Sorry about the length I have to get this out to someone...

I met Sarah (*name changed) approximately 7 months ago; she moved in after one month of dating. I was looking for a housemate, she was looking for a room – it just kind of worked out… although it was odd dating and living together so soon.

About 4 months in to our relationship I opened up my laptop and Sarah's emails were open. She had been regularly writing to a “Daddy” and they had met like 15 times over a 2 month period for spanking sessions. Shit hit the fan as you can imagine. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t come to me for spanking. I treat her like an absolute princess; but I’m also a dominant kinda guy; I’m certainly not one to be controlled; I do the controlling.

She told me she really has a thing for older men. Anyway; we decide to give it another shot. I am actually nice and tell her she can see her “Daddy”, she just needs to be honest and open with me. I have a thing for escorts; and when I’m with the escort I like to be dominant; so if it has to be an older guy that she “needs” to see; then that’s OK – when she see’s him; I can see an escort… fair deal. She decides she doesn’t want to see him; she wants to “work things out with me”.

She is a bit awkward at times; and I have to be honest, it wasn’t the “Daddy” thing that got to me, it was the lies. Anytime I saw any bruising near her bum, I would freak out. It happened several times; but she swore she hadn’t seen him. Trust, became a big thing. Anytime she was on her phone, i'd get anxious.

I opened up the laptop today; her emails were open again. She had been trying to find a new apartment. I asked her what the hell was going on; and she said, “sometimes I don’t think we’ll work – that was one of those days”… it was 4 days ago. I asked her to leave; and she said it was best if we ended

Then I opened up her facebook (it was on my laptop)…

- She had planned to meet a guy for a spanking a month ago
- On Jan 5th she told a couple in NYC that she has been talking to for years (they've had kink sessions together), she was going to be breaking up with her BF in a week or two, he’s too Vanilla
- She set up a new Fetlife account about 4 months ago and is the sub of a guy named “headmaster”; AND has been continuing to see her Daddy even though she told me she wasn't... which explains all the late nights at work!

… She has basically been outright lying to me (And I could sense something was up... so I basically had a reason to be getting anxious!)

Now, I’m not an angel. I regularly pay webcam girls; after I found out about the Daddy, I cheated on her twice in a two day span (once with an escort and once with some girl at a conference).

BUT… I was honest, I told her, and tell her everything!!!

Here’s the thing. Put the BDSM thing aside. We get on really well. We have all the same interests, we have the same values… it’s just this one thing. Oh, and even though I’m quite a dominant guy; our sex life is awful. It’s her giving me a BJ and then she gets on top. That’s it. That really is it; every time. And if not the BJ, just the straight sex. It’s not what either of us want.

So, what do I do about her? Is she a lost cause? She’s been going behind my back OUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP! But I love her. I really love her. Yes, I may pay webcam girls to play with each other, but once it’s done, all I want to do is cuddle up to Sarah.

It's like she's two girls. One that cuddles up to me, makes me Dinner, plays boardgames with me etc etc, and then a Fetlife Sl*t (she used the term not me). I can deal with the Fetlife Sl*t; I can't deal with the fact that she'd rather open up to a complete stranger about her kinks than me; SHE CAN TRUST ME!

Is there any way to get her to open up to me? I might not be the right guy to spank her, but I JUST WANT HER TO BE HONEST WITH ME. If she was honest, and told me that she wanted to go get spanked senseless by an older guy whilst I was fucking some hooker on a couch; and then we’d meet up and have dinner, then cuddle up o a couch and watch a movie… I’d be cool with that!!!

I just don’t know what to do. It’s like, on one page we’re perfect but on another, I don’t know who she is. Is this girl a lost cause? Like, if only the BDSM thing didn't exist, she'd be perfect wife material :( And, if only I didn't have a thing for phone sex with escorts i'd be perfect BF material. No other GF has accepted it, but she has. And I WOULD ACCEPT THE SPANKING ETC... IF SHE WAS HONEST... she just lies SO MUCH!

Please respond; I don't know anyone else I can ask about this!


I replied,

"Hello John

Thanks for your interesting email. I'm sorry things are not going well in your relationship at the moment. I do hope you find some way of resolving it but it is not looking promising at the moment! I often get emails from women who are into spanking or submission but cannot get their boyfriends or husbands to dominate them. It is interesting to get an email describing the situation from the other side. Your girlfriend describes you as being too vanilla yet you are dominant and would be prepared to take that role with her yet she still seems to need something else. You too explore other sexual needs elsewhere and are prepared to have an open relationship with her. So in theory there should be a way of sorting this out.

The one thing that seems to stand in the way is that you feel she is being dishonest with you. If you cannot trust each other then a D/s relationship is never going to work. In fact some level of trust has to be restored before you can start to rebuild your vanilla relationship. She may feel aggrieved that you have been reading her private correspondence even though it was inadvertently left open.

I think a lot of talking and serious discussion is needed if that trust is to be re-established so that you can move forward. My worry is that it is already too late.

However if you genuinely love her then it is important that you talk - and that you are sure you are listening clearly to her also. It is important to be honest - and to give her the space to be honest as well. Can you both find a way of doing this without it becoming an argument? If you can find a way of structuring it so that you both feel that you have had your opportunity to say what you feel and have been listened to, each with a genuine attempt to understand the other then there is the possibility of moving forward. It will need a commitment from each of you.

It may though just be that your strong feelings for her are not reciprocated. In such a case then perhaps no amount of discussion is going to work.

Be honest with her and ask her to be honest with you. Then you can each decide if a continuing relationship can work out. It may well be that you can negotiate something worthwhile within an open context.

Good luck with it.


So what advice would you give to John? Can it be talked through or are they incompatible? Would an open relationship work for each of them? Or is it a matter of honesty?


  1. I would have to agree Pygar. However I feel once trust is gone, it's gone. It's the basis of any relationship let alone a kinky or BDSM one. You can love a person yet not trust them. Life is short. Why waste precious time on a relationship that has been doomed from the beginning with someone who clearly isn't interested in what you offer or who doesn't care enough to respect the boundaries of your relationship? The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. She's screaming loud and clear how she feels by her continued actions.

  2. I do agree Dani that when trust has been broken it can be very difficult to re-establish and in many circumstances just may not be possible.

    Thanks for contributing your thoughts.

    P xx

  3. Honestly, both of these people read as immature to me. Stop messing about with other people, if you want to be together. Be honest and open. Talk to each other. If she's already decided to leave the relationship, do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? If it's about BDSM, and not other people can you not handle that within the relationship? If not, and you choose to be poly you have to be OPEN about it. Can't hide anything or it will never work. People you see, your messages, everything.

    I'd talk to her, be open about everything. If she doesn't want to make a go of it, cut ties. If she does, step up and try to be that dominant that she needs. It's going to be a ton of work. If she agrees, and you find her lying you could punish her, but I would end the relationship. I would't tolerate lying and the like.

  4. Wow, yes Lea. All very valid and important points.

    Thanks very much

    P xx

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    1. I have just deleted the above comment. I ask that people follow a simple rule:
      Please ensure that all comments are helpful and supportive. Deliberately hurtful or abusive comments will be deleted.
      After some thought I decided that it crossed the line into being abusive of Sarah and women in general.

      Apart from spam comments this is the first time I have had to remove a comment. I want readers to feel free to express themselves honestly. So I gave some thought to the removal of the comment and hope it is not necessary to do so again.


  7. One wife with a similar problem managed to get some of the disciplining she desired by introducing her husband to role playing. Over the next few years, despite his initial aversion to spanking, he began taking his wife to the bedroom for some real panties down paddlings when she acted out.

  8. Thanks anonymous.

    I think that role play can be a very good introduction for many.



Please ensure that all comments are helpful and supportive. Deliberately hurtful or abusive comments will be deleted.