Monday, October 21, 2013

at a loss

I received an email a little while ago from C. She'd had a wonderful D/s relationship for many years that turned sour. I wrote about it on 'A Kind Dom' here where it received some very personal responses in the comments. The respondents clearly show that it is possible to develop a loving and fulfilling D/s relationship having come out of an abusive one.

However having separated from her Dom C is now finding it very difficult to meet a new Dom to tend to her needs. I reproduce her email in full here.
Dear Kind Dom!
Though I am not new to being a sub, I am new at having to find a dom.  I was in an 10 year relationship with a Dom who at first was the best Dom any sub could ever hope to have.  He inspired me to want to submit to him.  Then as the years went by, he became emotionally abusive. He made it increasingly difficult to meet his demands and I was punished more and more. He began abusing me verbally, and breaking our terms repeatedly until I had to leave before I lost every bit of my sense of worth.  That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  For years I felt lost.  I didn't date.  I feared that I couldn't judge my ability to stay away from that kind of abuse. I am at a point in my life where I have regained what I lost in that relationship, and I am ready to try again.  However, I have had a difficult time finding the right man.  I've run across so many that confuse being domineering with being a dominate.  I would like to find a dominate who realizes that my submission is a gift and would treat me with the kindness and dignity a human being deserves.  I want to once again feel admiration and that kind of deep respect you can only feel for a kind dom. How does a woman do that?  I've looked for munches or clubs or any meeting event near where I live.  Most seem shady at best - more like swap meets.  Others are no longer functioning.   Can you please give me some advice as to how to start?

Hopeful in Modesto,
My reply was as follows.
I am not sure whether having been in a ten year relationship, that at least at first was good, makes it easier or harder for you in your search for a Dom.  On the one hand you have wisdom and knowledge of what a good D/s relationship can be (and what it should not become). However it may leave you very high standards and expectations that a new Dom may find it hard to meet. It may be difficult to find someone who can meet your appropriately high standards.

You have the added problem of having suffered abuse and the trauma that comes from it. The fear of that happening again may haunt you and prevent you developing the trust that is essential in any D/s relationship.

And then of course you have the same problem of many women in just finding a compatible and caring man. How does one do that? You have tried the obvious answers such as clubs, munches and events. You are right to be careful of and avoid those that seem shady or seedy when that is not what you are looking for. I wonder if you have searched further afield using the internet - such as Fetlife, etc.? It might be that a more distant friendship developed there or through blog contacts might lead to something more in the longer term.

Or perhaps readers may have better suggestions.
So readers - do you have other suggestions? Coming out of any long term relationship and starting again can be very hard. It must be all the more so in terms of a D/s relationship and in finding a new Dom. Are there any tips also for finding munches and events that are not "shady". 


  1. This makes me so sad :-(
    I bet coming out of a vanilla relationship of 10 years is hard enough, breaking the habits etc etc, but a D/s relationship? Hats off to C for having the strength to do what was best for her.
    I have no advice, I'm sorry :-(, I would say to C to always stay true to yourself and your self worth, as you did when you walked away from him, and I'm sure you'll be fine. Perhaps socialising at large kink events with friends may lead to something with a future partner?

    Good luck C x

    -RR Blondie

  2. Thank you Blondie for your thoughts and for adding your kind words. I join you in wishing good luck to C.

    - P xx


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