"My husband cannot begin to be the man I need ..."

Anonymous wrote a comment here on the previous post. Soon afterwards I received an email from her which I publish with her permission.

Hi. I came across your Uncle Agony blog this afternoon. It was about having a Dom and husband separately. I am not certain that you are interested in my email but if I don't talk to someone, I think I'll run mad. Who better to fill that need than a stranger I suppose. Well enough stalling, here goes nothing. I am 50 and have been married for 8 years. I have not had sex with my husband or anyone else (except myself) for 6 years. I am faced with the fact that I have to stay with my husband for my child's sake (at least for the foreseeable future) but can't bear the thought of my husband's quick, weak fumbling's. I have recently been exposed to BDSM through books and have awakened to the fact that I think I am beginning to yearn for a Dom and am becoming obsessed with the idea of being dominated. I am scared of these feelings because I have always taken care of myself and been the dominant one. No man has been strong enough for me or allowed me to submit. I have only ever had an orgasm by my own hand and am despondent that I will never have an orgasm by a man and never know how it truly feels to be with someone who understands my darker (and as I am finding out) kinkier feelings and can take me to the place my mind and body need to go. I don't want to lie to anyone but have been lying to myself for years I guess. My husband cannot begin to be the man I need but I must be the mother my son needs. That leaves me entirely out of the equation.

I really don't mean to lay this at anyone feet but just being able to say it (or in this case pen it) helps to relieve the intense ache that has taken root in me.

I hope you will write if for no other reason than I will know I'm not crazy. I understand if you think I already am crazy and don't write.

Yours,

B

I have had a number of online friends who have found themselves in a similar position. I wrote back to her telling her of them, their different solutions and my own struggles in the past. I discussed the issues for her as a mother. I also reassured her that she was not crazy!

However the fact that there may be many others who sadly are in similar situations where they feel unfulfilled may be of no consolation to her. She will need to find her own way. I wonder if there are others among you out there who may give her hope though describing how you have resolved this same issue in your own lives? Or you may have strong views from a different perspective.

There are the dangers too as someone who is just becoming aware of certain feelings in beginning to explore them safely. How can one find someone who will not take advantage of her newness and vulnerability and instead seek to help her blossom?

Do add your advice for B in the comments.

Can I have my Master and my boyfriend at the same time?

I received an email from C. She wrote:

Hey

I have a problem and it's driving me a little bit crazy

I was someone's submissive but our relationship had to end due to something out of our control. It was horrible and when I got round to dating people again, I fell for a more of a normal guy. He is slightly dominant in the bedroom and likes that I'm submissive. But it isn't the same... I love being with him but there's a kind of empty feeling because I miss being a sub. I don't cheat on people. So basically I want a way that I can have my boyfriend and my Master at the same time and no-one gets hurt... this is giving me a headache and distracting me from my dissertation. Please help me. I'm not sure how. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde...

Thanks for listening
xx

I replied as follows:

Can you "have your boyfriend and a Master at the same time"? Can you have your cake and eat it? I'm really not sure but it seems fraught with difficulty. Are you talking about taking a new Master as well as staying with your boyfriend? Are you sure you will find a new Master easily? If you do, is your hope that they will each accept one another and be happy with you seeing each of them to meet your different needs? It sounds an ideal situation that I am sure many would like but I doubt that you will find that both your boyfriend and your Master will be happy with the situation.

Or are you thinking of keeping each secret from the other? You say you don't cheat on people so you would find it difficult and it would not be something I would recommend.

You say your boyfriend is slightly dominant in the bedroom. Can you discuss your needs with him and introduce him to D/s in the hope that he may be tempted to take it slightly further and become your Master? In the end I think you will need to decide whether your boyfriend can fully meet your needs and if he cannot then whether you accept that or decide to finish with him and look for someone who can.

Though I know there are readers of this blog who have managed to develop separate relationships with a Master and a husband or boyfriend. Perhaps one of them may comment and let us know how they managed to arrange such a situation.

These are just my thoughts and you will need to find a way through this that works for you.

Thanks and good luck

So - do any readers have a separate partner and Dom? How did you arrive at such an arrangement? How do you keep it working? Can others see how it might be made to work?

taking the lead

J had been reading an earlier post on Uncle Agony, "brand spanking new to the D/s world". Reading it stimulated him to write an email of his own to Uncle Agony.

About two months ago my wife suggested she wanted me to "take the lead" in our sex life.  For the entirety of our marriage she's clearly been the stronger personality and the driving force in many areas of our family and our household and for the last several years I've complained about the frequency, or lack thereof that we are intimate together.

By nature she is not a submissive person and when we started this she told me that she would likely push back.  While she has not explicitly admitted to me that she is testing me I do feel like she tests me to see if I'm willing, and able to actual take the control from her when she is unwilling to release it.  There have been times I've attempted to seduce her into the bedroom but these have ended badly, and now I wonder if she wants to be taken and ravished, not seduced.

I briefly suggested she try to find ways to tap into her submissive side but she's reluctant to do so and instead suggested I find ways to have the confidence to take control and establish myself in the dominant role.  What I inferred from this is that since submission is not a natural trait then the specific aspect that is arousing to her is the act of being made to submit, despite any resistance she may exhibit (similar to the comments by wild cat and how she wants to be tamed, regardless of the growl).

My wife does not like the theatrics of bondage or restraint.  Instead what she's looking for is that carnal desire that is so strong it cannot be stopped (the caveman, or Bedroom Bull depending on what other blogs you read).  She wants me to take control of the When, and not focus on the What that may occur.  Once I've established my role, and put her in her place, then we can potentially move onto other components of a D/s relationship.  

Due to external life circumstances we're in a bit of a holding pattern until we can progress this further, but I'm hopeful that the next opportunity will end different and result in a step forward rather than two steps back.

Any advice you or your readers can offer would be helpful and welcome.

I responded with the following thoughts.

Putting together some of the parts of your email where you describe clearly what your wife has intimated does lead one to the conclusion that she may indeed want you to play the "caveman" role. She suggested you "take the lead" in your sex life. She seems not to like to be gently seduced. She has suggested that you "find ways to have the confidence to take control and establish myself in the dominant role."

You have also made some inferences but not made clear how strong is the evidence for them. For instance you say she is "looking for ... that carnal desire that is so strong it cannot be stopped" and that she "wants me to take control of the When, and not focus on the What that may occur." How sure are you of this. How explicit has she been?

The difficulty here seems to be communication. I think if you truly know that you have permission to completely take control and initiate sex at your direction, expecting her to comply and not taking "no" for an answer then it is up to you to make a move. However - and it is a big "however" - how do you know that you really have permission? You need to be very clear about the level of consent from your wife to any forceful acts from yourself otherwise you are heading for deep trouble. The problem is that your wife may find that even having that discussion and giving her consent puts your wife in the situation of feeling she is still in control when she really wants you to take control.

I think you have two courses. The first is to try to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about this to ensure there are no misunderstandings. You could even agree that "no" does not mean "no" but have a safe word which you would always respect.

The only alternative that I can suggest is to start to try to take control over the initiation of sex in small steps, being increasingly more assertive and see how things develop. It might be that this gradual approach pays dividends in the long run.

Like you though I would love to hear others' views of this - both women and men.

So what do you think readers? Perhaps you may have some different advice.

breaking up and after care

I had a surprising email from a sub yesterday  She said that she and her Mistress had broken up. It was at her Mistresses instigation. However her Mistress was insisting on a six week period of after care.

The Mistress had to "repair" the submissive so that the sub would not be "dysfunctional". This involved a whole series of rituals as well as vanilla meetings. The submissive is going through with this even though she finds it a sadistic torture. She is doing it because she feels that her ex-Mistress needs it.

She asked me for some insight. Did I believe there needed to be a kinky rehabilitation after a dominant based relationship? What did I honestly think?

Well to be honest my first reaction was that it was bonkers.

However on further thought I wondered if the Mistress may have been trying to behave responsibly. D/s can involve a lot of conditioning. The sub is conditioned to behave and respond in certain ways. There can be deep psychological needs that are created within the D/s dynamic which can be all the stronger if reinforced though extreme BDSM play. Where this is the case then some additional support over and above that needed for the break up of a vanilla relationship might be appropriate. A kind of de-conditioning if you like.

Has anyone else come across this before? Or even been involved in it from either side. What do you think? Is it "bonkers" or a caring support to maintain a submissive's psychological health?

I would be fascinated to hear what you think.

sub drop

I had a concerned email recently from C. After some introductory words she came to her problem,

Well to fast forward to my problem. I had my anus and vagina both severely stretched and fisted and was cropped and flogged in a session. My session lasted almost three hours and my beautiful Ma'am dismissed me to rest and to let herself rest too. At the time I didn't feel like I needed to rest. I was awake and hyper and excited and just happy in general. Less then an hour later I was so tired I thought someone smuggled rocks in my pocket and called it an early night.

The next day I was just very distracted. I had a hard time focusing on anything and just kept to myself, I felt very numb. I was freezing cold and not very hungry. I was very lonely. I never came down from playing so badly before. My poor Ma'am was busy the next day and un able to be with me but texted and called as much as she could. Unfortunately life happens. She is NOT irresponsible. Just neither of us expected such a response. This session was fairly mediocre in the sadism we normaly practice. I know the people in this community are very black and white with how a good Dom/me should behave. But no one is perfect and this is NOT abuse in our case. This is just bad luck.

Just in case I have a severe reaction again during play, is there a way I can implement after care to myself if Ma'am should have a delay in being with me?  She felt so terrible and she is a very good Domme and a career person and just amazing. If I don't have to be a source of pressure I would rather not be. She was called away on a very important family issue. I want to be able to be self maintained until she can come back to me so I am not a source of worry but pleasure for her. Thank you for your time.

Unfortunately this came to me before Christmas when I was also very distracted by serious personal developments so my responses have been a bit hurried and incomplete. Certainly I have not been able to give this problem the careful and thoughtful response that I would have liked. I have tried to put together here the essence of my reply

I would like to reassure you that what you have experienced is quite normal. What is often referred to as "sub drop" often occurs and can be delayed rather than happening straight away. You had a very intense experience and it is to be expected that you might have physical and psychological responses to it. Basically you were experiencing delayed shock.

I do hope that you are well and that you have not had any repeats of your unfortunate experience. You said that you often indulge in play that may be more extreme - "This session was fairly mediocre in the sadism we normaly practice." So perhaps it is worth trying to think about what might have been different in this session from usual.

You mentioned that immediately afterwards you were, "awake and hyper and excited and just happy in general" and that you did not need to rest even though that had been instructed by your Domme. You mentioned that she needed to rest also afterwards and left you to rest. I wonder perhaps if this might not be good practice. Even though you seemed really okay afterwards - helping you come down from this high and getting you settled is perhaps an integral part of the play and should be incorporated into future play. 

I am not being critical of you or your Domme - just trying to explore possibilities with you that you may be able to learn from. Even if this had happened it is quite possible that you might still have experienced the delayed "drop".

I of course accept your assurances that your Ma'am is very responsible. However you may both be able to learn from this experience and recognise the level of after-care that may be required and that it is not always just that necessary immediate after-care.

Good Luck!

I also found a few useful links to sub-drop to incorporate.

I am hoping that I may have readers who can speak of this though from their own experience and offer support and advice in comments below.

"brand spanking new to the D/s world"

I received a very interesting email recently from wild cat. She was so kind about my blogs - how could I help but respond? This was the email:

Dear Pygar,

I love your blogs! 

• (Thank you! - P xx)

I have a question for you that hopefully you and your readers can offer insight into. My husband and I are brand spanking new (pun intended) to the D/s world. I am excited beyond words for this change in our relationship! It's what I've--what we've both always wanted, and now we are taking steps to make it reality!! Here's where I'm having some trouble. My husband is a good man, loving, kind, faithful, smart, I could go on...he's not, however, very on top of things. In our relationship, I have primarily been the one to remind him about appointments, housework, and errands he needs to run...even sometimes to shower, brush his teeth, and eat regularly. Sometimes several times. Sometimes several times and then he still doesn't do it. He struggles to stay on top of his work, too--procrastinates to the last minute. Also, I am the primary "breadwinner." This has caused some struggles in the past, but (a) we have worked through most of it in couples therapy and (b) didn't really care too much, as he has much to offer in other ways (see the list of adjectives above). However, ever since we have gotten serious about taking this step, I find myself suddenly angry, bitter, and very contemptuous--with an attitude of "You want me to submit to you? That's cute, dear, but our lives would fall apart..." He is aware of the problem, too, and is growing towards being what I believe will one day be a good Dom, and when we talk about what we want, our styles seem to mesh very well. In the meantime, though, we are experiencing a lot of struggle. I was wondering if this is common in the beginning--especially the need for the sub to "test" the Dom to see if he is indeed in control. He keeps asking me to "make things easier on him" but this does not interest me. I feel like a wild cat and i want to be tamed, no matter how much I growl! Also, I am aware at how important trust and respect are, and I just don't believe I can have those without testing him first. I'm not testing to be cruel--I'm testing to see if he is ready. How common is this? We still know very little and have practiced very little so far. Any and all thoughts are welcome (although I would ask that people refrain from saying "get a different Dom." He's my husband--I'm only interested in doing this with him). Thank you!!!

--wild cat

I responded as follows,

Thank you also for your kind words about my blogs.

There are many interesting points that I have heard separately from others that all seem to have come together for you! There is the strong and powerful woman who needs to submit and be cared for; the discovery together of a desire to engage in spanking; the concern (from either or both parties) that the Dom may not feel able to deliver all that is required; the desire of a sub to test out her Master, to be feisty and challenging; the lack of "knowledge and eagerness to find out more; and perhaps much more too!

So let's also emphasise your final comment, "I would ask that people refrain from saying 'get a different Dom.' He's my husband--I'm only interested in doing this with him."

Good on you for that. You are committed to making it work. That is a really good start. You have already worked through much of it in couples therapy. That again shows the commitment of both of you. I hope that helped - and wonder if it was contributory to the decision to engage in D/s. While it is common for many people - male and female - who are strong and powerful to need to find time to relax into submission in a safe environment with a trusted partner, it is perhaps less often the case that someone who is less powerful in their day to day life satisfying their dominant side in a parallel way. Perhaps being dominant requires a more embedded personality - it is perhaps not something that many can just switch on or off.

Having said this, my personality is genuinely kind and gentle, but there is an underlying strength that can exhibit itself naturally in Dominance. I wonder without that underlying strength - can someone become the dominant partner.

Perhaps though your husband also has that. Perhaps he can learn and develop it. Perhaps in doing it within a D/s context her may learn skills that can help him in his day to day life.

What is good though is that you are able to talk about things and discuss your feelings and needs. That is surely a start.

Make sure though that you have the same desire to submit as you have for him to dominate you. You say you want to test and challenge him. You want him to make you submit. In the end the issue isn't just his ability to dominate - but also your ability to submit. If you refuse to submit to him then that will be your failure as much as his.

Good luck on your journey.

- Pygar xx

I think there are a number of fascinating issues here. I hope other readers will respond in the comments section.

Indifference

J wrote to me recently. She said,

Good evening Sir,

i have a problem i would like help with. i found Your blog through google search. i am new to the BDSM lifestyle, and yesterday at my first in-person meeting with my Dom i messed up big time. He says he accepts my apology (i did many things wrong- disobeying His commands, standing/walking- not crawling, yelling when there was a spider in the room, not calling Him Sir, as well as a couple other things, i'm sure.). my question now is how to i get Him to stop feeling indifferent towards me? i just asked Him and He says He isn't angry at me, just indifferent. This hurts more than Him being angry. Is there anything i can do?

Thank you so much for your time, Sir. 

It is always difficult for those new to this. It can also be very intense - and to feel a Dom is indifferent seems a cruel punishment. I replied as follows.

Hello J

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry you are having problems. I do know that it can be difficult when one is new to BDSM. There seems to be so much to learn and new protocols to get used to. It is easy as a sub to think that everything is your fault and that it is you who is somehow inadequate.

However those who claim more experience should be supportive to those new to the scene. Also a Dom should show respect towards his sub, help teach her, and be understanding of her needs.

You cannot expect to know everything at once and if things did not go well on your first meeting then that is as much if not far more to do with him, his skills and his attitude as it is to do with you.

If he says he is indifferent to you then I am tempted to suggest that you tell him to get lost. Possibly in even more colourful language. I think you deserve better. There are good people out there who can help you learn and begin to experience some of the things you desire.

Best wishes and good luck

Pygar xx

Do others have more helpful advice? Do add to the comment. Thanks!