Wednesday, September 26, 2012

"brand spanking new to the D/s world"

I received a very interesting email recently from wild cat. She was so kind about my blogs - how could I help but respond? This was the email:

Dear Pygar,

I love your blogs! 
  • (Thank you! - P xx)
I have a question for you that hopefully you and your readers can offer insight into. My husband and I are brand spanking new (pun intended) to the D/s world. I am excited beyond words for this change in our relationship! It's what I've--what we've both always wanted, and now we are taking steps to make it reality!! Here's where I'm having some trouble. My husband is a good man, loving, kind, faithful, smart, I could go on...he's not, however, very on top of things. In our relationship, I have primarily been the one to remind him about appointments, housework, and errands he needs to run...even sometimes to shower, brush his teeth, and eat regularly. Sometimes several times. Sometimes several times and then he still doesn't do it. He struggles to stay on top of his work, too--procrastinates to the last minute. Also, I am the primary "breadwinner." This has caused some struggles in the past, but (a) we have worked through most of it in couples therapy and (b) didn't really care too much, as he has much to offer in other ways (see the list of adjectives above). However, ever since we have gotten serious about taking this step, I find myself suddenly angry, bitter, and very contemptuous--with an attitude of "You want me to submit to you? That's cute, dear, but our lives would fall apart..." He is aware of the problem, too, and is growing towards being what I believe will one day be a good Dom, and when we talk about what we want, our styles seem to mesh very well. In the meantime, though, we are experiencing a lot of struggle. I was wondering if this is common in the beginning--especially the need for the sub to "test" the Dom to see if he is indeed in control. He keeps asking me to "make things easier on him" but this does not interest me. I feel like a wild cat and i want to be tamed, no matter how much I growl! Also, I am aware at how important trust and respect are, and I just don't believe I can have those without testing him first. I'm not testing to be cruel--I'm testing to see if he is ready. How common is this? We still know very little and have practiced very little so far. Any and all thoughts are welcome (although I would ask that people refrain from saying "get a different Dom." He's my husband--I'm only interested in doing this with him). Thank you!!!
--wild cat
I responded as follows,
Thank you also for your kind words about my blogs.

There are many interesting points that I have heard separately from others that all seem to have come together for you! There is the strong and powerful woman who needs to submit and be cared for; the discovery together of a desire to engage in spanking; the concern (from either or both parties) that the Dom may not feel able to deliver all that is required; the desire of a sub to test out her Master, to be feisty and challenging; the lack of "knowledge and eagerness to find out more; and perhaps much more too!

So let's also emphasise your final comment, "I would ask that people refrain from saying 'get a different Dom.' He's my husband--I'm only interested in doing this with him."

Good on you for that. You are committed to making it work. That is a really good start. You have already worked through much of it in couples therapy. That again shows the commitment of both of you. I hope that helped - and wonder if it was contributory to the decision to engage in D/s. While it is common for many people - male and female - who are strong and powerful to need to find time to relax into submission in a safe environment with a trusted partner, it is perhaps less often the case that someone who is less powerful in their day to day life satisfying their dominant side in a parallel way. Perhaps being dominant requires a more embedded personality - it is perhaps not something that many can just switch on or off.

Having said this, my personality is genuinely kind and gentle, but there is an underlying strength that can exhibit itself naturally in Dominance. I wonder without that underlying strength - can someone become the dominant partner.

Perhaps though your husband also has that. Perhaps he can learn and develop it. Perhaps in doing it within a D/s context her may learn skills that can help him in his day to day life.

What is good though is that you are able to talk about things and discuss your feelings and needs. That is surely a start.

Make sure though that you have the same desire to submit as you have for him to dominate you. You say you want to test and challenge him. You want him to make you submit. In the end the issue isn't just his ability to dominate - but also your ability to submit. If you refuse to submit to him then that will be your failure as much as his.

Good luck on your journey.

- Pygar xx

I think there are a number of fascinating issues here. I hope other readers will respond in the comments section.


  1. I received this follow-up email from wild cat:

    Hi Pygar,

    Thanks for your fast reply! This is great advice, and it's given me a lot to think about.

    If you don't mind, it has sparked a follow up question...

    You mentioned that for Doms, it needs to be more of an embedded personality. My husband actually very much has the embedded personality, in that he is a natural teacher and leader (he does work, he's just not bringing is as much money as me). I've seen him be very "Dom" with his students--not in a sexual way, but I think you know what I mean. With me, he has been in charge of many things; for example, he knows a lot about health and he often gives me "assignments" on how to improve my health (such as to take certain vitamin supplements, etc.) that I willingly, joyfully, and religiously fulfill. This was all before we ever explored this world, and we are now seeing that in many ways, we have already lived certain aspects of it.

    However, my frustration is that he is still easy to "knock over." He is-by his own admission and in his words-- "terrified of a woman's emotions." This is probably where the trust lacks, and not so much that he procrastinates on things. Is there anything I can do to help ease this? I don't want to submit if I feel uneasy; I can appreciate, though, that maybe he needs to start with a kitten before he can tame a wild cat.

    Thanks again Pygar!

  2. Thanks wild cat.

    The follow up question is interesting. Clearly your husband can be assertive - but like many men has trouble with strong emotions in a woman! Perhaps that can be even harder when you are married. Well - taming a wild cat can be hard. I know with my own dear sub! Though I have often said that it is her strength that helps me to dominate her. That is not to say that it is not hard when she is emotional. However it is when she is emotional that she needs my dominance most to help calm her. Though I think you are talking of emotions in a different way perhaps.

  3. I am so glad I have read her post and your response. I am In the exact same position, and feel so relieved that she feels as strongly as I do about her husband. Her husband and mine could be twins...I also am the breadwinner of the house. It is just so nice to know I am not alone in these barely tested waters of D/s.

  4. Maybe you two could start with planning a time for him to spank you to tears. Talk about after care ahead of time. How long should he keep spanking once you start to cry? Should you be sent to the corner to cry it out or should he hold you? He could stroke your hair, rub lotion on your bottom, etc. If he knows what to do and you know what to expect, it might be successful. Then, later talk about how it went.

  5. Thank you Antimamao413 (or can I call you Kitty?) It is fascinating that you feel in the same place as wild cat. I wonder if either or both of you would like to correspond with each other about this - there may be things you can learn from each other or at least be able to empathise with one another and perhaps offer mutual support.

    If you think that might be helpful do email me and I'll pass your details on to wild cat.

    Good luck

    P xx

  6. Thank you Maryann.

    Now spanking to tears ...

    I remember writing a story about that many years ago. A sub friend said she wanted to be spanked to tears because she could not cry for herself but only for others. Perhaps I will write more of this elsewhere.

    Like you - if others try your suggestions out I would love to hear how it works!

    P xx

  7. Maybe you could hire some sort of personal assistant. Who could ensure(make him)or do the things that you need to get done. That way you don't have to use your dominant side in your relationship with him. Allowing you to be completely submissive,and him in turn to feel more dominant.

    This is new to me too, so I don't really know what I'm talking about.

    Thanks Winter

  8. Have you tried asking him to restrain you? I love this Silky Restraints

  9. My husband and I are in a similar place..... I got here by googling "Can you learn to be dominant". Reading this was exciting to me, I see dominant strains in my husband but he has been emasculated in every relationship in his life, even with his parents. I have been emotionally and physically abandoned and so submitting and trusting have been difficult for me...... but not with him. We are excited to start this journey together. Your "The Kind Dom" blog and this page will be helping us along our way. I asked him last night how this was all making him feel and immediately he responded with what his HEAD was thinking. I said, tell me what you FEEL. His response..... exhilarated and completely aroused..... he admitted never feeling trusted enough to be "in charge" in his relationships. He's been away on business for 10weeks now...... he comes home the day before Thanksgiving. I shake with the need to be near him..... and I feel like a kid at Christmas :)

  10. I could say alot with this one. you will notice on some of my pagez that i claim to top from the bottom. sometimes i do. i'm looking for more master/slave and Master Rick says hes serious about M/s too but sometimes he needs a little help getting going. we started making videos for Mazter J and Miztrezz E. i would tell him how they needed to go, or script them if you will and he would set up the camera and film. becuase he knew what to do his domknate streak would come out. now he has his own videos he directs. the first time he ordered for me, i told him what to order prior to getting to the location, he messed it up but i was a great slave and smiled, thanked him, and enjoyed what came. now he orders wherever we go. with him i think its always fear of messing up or upsetting me. were working on him choosing the lingerie when i go bra shopping. and were also working on him enforcing the rules he sets.

  11. Thank you Winter, Toni, Anonymous and Sinister Ali for all your helpful thoughts and advice.

    P xx


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